Adult SD refuses to accept anything
Hi All,
This is my first time here and hoping for some constructive advice.
Myself and DH have been married just a few months I have 3 adult children (DD 27, DD 25, DS 25) and he also has 3 adult children(SS 27, SS 26, SD 21). None of them live with us as all have their own homes.
My 3 are all fine with DH. They are polite, respectful, kind to him Not always been the case as my youngest DD had attitude regarding DH initially but I did not tolerate it and within a few weeks she realised this and is now fine with him and me.
DH's ex left him a year before we got together for a man she is still with, leaving DH and SD in family home. Just before we married, I moved into DH's house and took on mortgage with him SD had left by this time.
The issue is SD! Ever since she knew her dad was in a relationship, 4 years ago, she tried to be very controlling. Almost behaved as if she was his ex. She wanted to know his every move, what time he was home, who he was with etc etc. Would constantly call him asking all these things
She got pregnant at 17, baby at 18, thankfully got a home and moved out of what was the family home.
I have had a whole load of abuse, nastiness, accusations from this girl and we have not communicated since DH and I married We eloped.
The problems started way back when SD was still living at home with DH. We came back one evening and SD decided to kick off. She was ranting at DH, calling me all the names under the sun. I am not kidding, the language was disgusting! I was sat upstairs whilst all this was being said, obviously hurting as there was no real reason for it other than I was with her dad. Eventually I forgave her.
Next round was when DH's ex got her payout from the house. Can I just add here that she had paid nothing towards the house and had fleeced DH's bank account! SD laid into me and DH saying her mum never got as much as she should have. I was living in her mum's house, I was brainwashing DH along with being called fat, and other things.
This time I responded as I was fed up with the constant aggression. She didn't like the fact that I stood my ground and has pretty much been shitty since. When we got engaged, DH got another lecture She didn't approve. It was too soon.
Every holiday we go on, she has a go at him. Been accused of spending her inheritance. We really can do no right.
She has kicked off about what hes given me for Christmas. He shouldn't spend more on me than her.
There are so many things. Shes accused me of slamming the door in her face. She feels she still has a right to poke around in our home Shes led to family saying her dad tackled her to the floor for looking in our bedrooms. I was also home at the time so know it did not happen and DH is the sweetest person and would never do that!
So just to cut this very long story short, there has never been an apology or any admittance to doing wrong. DH has tried to get her to apologise but she refuses saying I'm not the princess he thinks I am. We have looked after her child, I have always sorted gifts for birthdays/Christmas/Easter but get no thanks. DH has told her if it wasnt for me, it probably wouldn't happen (he's not organised).
More recently she said she didn't want me looking after her child so I said that was fine. Fed up of her throwing all these comments out there. Yesterday she asked DH if we'd look after him, I put my foot down and said no. If she thinks she can treat me the way she has and is, she will get nothing from me anymore, no help, nothing. I honestly have had enough!! The issue .... DH is missing out on seeing child. It caused an argument between us and now not talking.
I understand and sympathise but I feel SD needs to realise she will not get away with treating me like this. But I worry about our marriage.
DH has been so supportive by sticking by me but how can this work?
Sorry it's a ramble. Could type so much more but ranting!
PS he wont see her on his own after she lied about the tackle to floor.
he wont see her on his own
he wont see her on his own after she lied about the tackle to floor.
Well, too bad but this is what their relationship has come to and it's through no fault of yours or your DH's. He can't expect you to be the buffer or the overseer, so if he's worried about being alone with her, I guess he doesn't see her. Doesn't sound like a big loss to me. I know she is his daughter but she's a bitch.
If he wants to babysit the grandchild, all babysitting chores are on him, you do nothing. However, I wouldn't want to be alone with her child, either, if she's prone to throwing accusations around.
There is no way I would watch
There is no way I would watch the child. I also have stopped being available for one SD and her children. Birthdays come and go and I have not done a damn thing. I also agree if she is throwing around false accusations - there is no way I would be alone with the SGK.
Dis.En.Gage You are not her
Dis.En.Gage You are not her mother.. you are not obligated to do a thing with or for this noxious adult. If your husband wants to have a relationship with his daughter.. he may. He may also watch his grandchild if HE chooses to do so... you will not take that on.. if he wants to do it.. he can do it.
You are Dad's Wife.. not a step-mom.. not a stepgrandmom. SD sounds miserable and self centered. It's not unusual for kids to worry about "their share".. but it isn't nice.
she said she didn't want me
Well SD, you have backed yourself into a corner. You don't want Weieaywtl around your child and you have made it impossible for your dad to be alone with you or your child. Actions have consequences.
Dear SD, an inheritance is something you get after someone has died. Your father is still alive and is enjoying his life (with his wife). By the way, have you made this same pronouncement to your mom and her spouse.
SD asked if "we'd " watch him. You didn't have to put your foot down and say no. All you had to do is to remind DH that you have been told you can't watch the child. If he wants to watch the child you have no problem, but he can't rely on you to be around. If he wants to or not is his decision. If he doesn't want to watch the child alone, he can get another relative to supervise. He shouldn't be mad at you for not inserting yourself into a baby watching gig that you were explicitly told not to do by the parent of the child.
SD's behaviour is simply
SD's behaviour is simply unacceptable. Like you I went through years of abuse by SS32, I tolerated with it because dh was wonderful to my children. My situation differed from yours as my dh just buried his head in the sand and denied it all. This was very hurtful to me.
The problem is, we tolerate it because our children have good relationships with dh. Like you I had to have stern conversations with my son earlier on in our relationship. Now all is very well between them. The difference is our children are respectful and polite to our husbands. Your stepd is not respectful and polite to you. That means you do not have to tolerate it.
You need to disengage from this monster. If dh does not see his grandchild, that is because of your SD's actions and decision not yours. Let him go to her house and babysit. Do not take that guilt on. Taking that guilt on is what kept me on that wheel of step abuse and it seemed like it was not going to stop!
Eventually I got to the stage where dh could not persuade me to put myself in SS32 presence. When I said no, I meant no. Nothing would change me. I realise to get any sanity or respect in this step world, you need to take no nonsense. Stand up to your SD with silent actions and be loving to your husband.
If I could turn the wheel of time, I would have stood up for myself years ago instead of waiting for dh to stand up for me. It would have saved me years of hurt, anger and resentment. You need to start talking to your husband regarding SD coming into your home. Why would you have anyone whom holds such resentment towards your union in your home. As have said to my husband many times over, anyone who respects and honours our union is welcomed in our home, all the others are not, be he my son or yours!
By the way, this inheritance
By the way, this inheritance thing. I think a skids first worry is that SMs are going to eat their way through their inheritance. It is a chorus they always sing. I had years of being called a gold digger. We are both professionals and both own our own properties, however dh is an extremely high earner. That equates to mine being a gold digger!
I recently met up with SS32 and confronted him re him calling me a gold digger. Of course he denied every word. I asked him, if I were to go by your narrative that I am a gold digger, what was he going to do about it? I reminded him that he has been saying this for years during that time I have bought several handbags and made several trip abroad, I told him, I am interested to know what his plans were to stop my actions. He just stared at me in disbelief!
There's a surprise!
Thank you all for your advice. I suppose I was trying to find out if I was over reacting and should be tolerating this for a quiet life. But it seems I'm not.
What is very odd, after months of no communication or contact, SD called her dad yesterday and said that she will speak to me. He pointed out that until she apologises for all the nastiness and trouble she has tried to cause, I will not speak to her. Maybe I should feel relieved that this could be a step in the right direction but I am extremely apprehensive for many reasons, she wants something, I don't trust her, feel it will be short lived, still carry so much resentment and anger, and if I'm honest it's much nicer not having her in my life. Harsh to say but I don't have any nice memories of being in her company.
Good for DH!!!
You might luck out. Maybe she won't apologize. It sounded as if she thought she was giving you a gift by saying she will speak to you again. LOL LOL Sure sign of a narcissist. DH put her on notice that she is responsible for any reconciliation. You are lucky he has your back.
Don't back down about the apology - an honest, heartfelt apology, nothing less. Getting an apology out of a narcissist is like getting blood out of turnip so you might be lucky for a very long time. LOL Let DH deal with her and enjoy your life without her B.S.
If I were to move into and
If I were to move into and assume the mortgage on the former family home of my partner's prior family I am thinking a total gut job internal, external and landscaping remodeling would be in order. I would make it so different that they would never mistake it for the home they had once resided in. They would know clearly that this was MY home.
As for watching the GSkids. Nope. The risk is too high. Their toxic breeder of a mother is a proven manipulator and liar who made untrue assault alegations against you and her father. I would not risk that the GSkids would be used to perpetrate charges of abuse, etc... when they were under the care of you or your DH. I would that you not allow the GSkids in your home without their mother and since she should not be in the home... period.... neither should the GSkids.
DH should have a relationship with his GKids ... but... he should not be allowed to progress with that relationship without being repeatedly reminded of the behavioral effluent that his toxic spawn is and that she will not be allowed to jeopardize the marriage and home that you and DH share.
Good luck. My guess it that you will need it.
This woman is a toxic POS.
This woman is a toxic POS. There’s no reason for you to ever include someone like that in your life. The ignore the whore.
My situation is very similar
I spent 15 years taking SD and SS narcissistic abuse. I just like you had a talk with my 3 bios about how they were expected to treat DH with respect from day one. DH has a wonderful relationship with all three. DH has always buried his head in the sand about his spawns abuse. Makes excuses for it. They are also abusive of him. He ignores it. He is afraid to stand up to them.
I have 100 percent disengaged. DH stills lives on fantasy island and thinks we can all be a big happy family if I just accept the abuse like he does.
We live in my house that I owned before I met DH. I have put my foot down. SD, SS or grand spawn will never step foot in this house again period.
What others have said is true. If you go around grand spawn you are setting yourself up to be accused of abuse. These narcissistic slime will try anything to get you out of the way.
DH can chose to live his life being afraid of and worshiping at his spawns alter, that is his choice.
I waited 15 years for DH to stand for me. It never happened. I learned the only backbone in this family belongs to me. I am also just sorry I didn’t stand up for myself many years ago.
As someone else also said, DH’s family that also know about the abuse and expect you to just take it because they are DH’s spawn aren’t really your friend, they are just someone else in the sick narcissistic web.
Like someone else also said isn’t it funny that most everyone on steptalk’s bio kids treat their Sparent with respect. We would have not tolerated anything less from our bio’s. All we ever wanted was that same respect and consideration from our DH’s and their spawn. But instead we were gaslighted into believing that we didn’t deserve the same respect and should just accept it.
The good part is that we finally wake up and see where the true sickness really is.