Step children have emotional power over husband

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Hey there! Im just here for some advice. Any input is highly appreciated. Thanks!

I have been with this wonderful man for 4 years now and he has 2 daughters (10 and 12) who live with their mother. The kids come to spend every other weekend with us, but they spend a lot of time with my husbands parents as well. They are generally well behaved children, and i dont know if i'm imagining things but i feel like there is a bit of a struggle for my husband.

The kids used to come over and were used to their father doing everything for them....Ice-cream for dinner...no problem....useless toys...no problem....what ever they want to do thats what we'll do...it was like the children were calling the shots.

This has started to change now that we are married and living together. I have told over the years that he is doing them a disservice by spoiling them and he has slowly started to create rules and say no. But i can see that the children do not like these new changes... And my husband is starting to feel more and more guilty. He told me that he often feels sorry for his children. And he caves in to them very easily. I can tell that he has started adding rules because ive asked him to....but emotionally; his children are still calling the shots.

I often feel like he does these things to appease me but he still wants to bend over backwards for his children. So when i ask for a weekend to ourselves or a date night when the kids are over, he feels that its not appropriate for him to make room for me when he really wants his kids to spend as much time with him as possible. He'll sometimes allude to his children about them coming to live with us when they are a bit older..and they are never enthusiastic and only sheepishly agree.....i dont believe this is because they dont love their father....but i do believe they understand that their mother has full custody and their lives arent too bad with their mother. I hate to say it but sometimes it seems like my husband clings on to his children.

This dynamic makes me frustrated... because i do not want to feel like im competing with children. I already mind my own business. I dont involve myself in issues of parenting between BM and my husband, and only step in and give my opinion when its something that affects me directly. But seeing that his children can pull strings so easily makes me feel like i need to fight for my opinion and my feelings. And i hate to put my husband in a situation where he feels guilty for saying no to his children. Or for spending time with me. Sometimes i feel like im just getting in the way whenever his children are around because i have little emotional say...I dont know how to resolve this because im generally a confident woman but this has got me feeling very powerless.

I do not want to be living at the whim of my stepchildrens emotionaI power over my husband...but honestly i dont know if im making unrealistic demands over my husbands emotional attachment to his children...is this a dynamic i can change myself?...and if i can how do i do that without feeling like im interfering with his relationship with his children? ...or is this really something my husband needs to fix?....im curious for other opinions

Why does he feel sorry for

Why does he feel sorry for them? He's really going to feel sorry for them when they grow up and haven't a clue how to make it in the real world, ya know, where there are rules and consequences.

Parenting out of guilt doesn't do anybody any favors, least of all, the kids. He needs to be their parent, not their friend. Do they have rules and structure at BM's? Did he parent them when married to BM?

If you only have them every other weekend, why do you need a date night when they are there? When his kids are there, he should be spending time with them. Not to say that you should be ingnored or not included, but I don't think a date night for the two of you is appropriate on their visitation weekends.

Your husband needs to get past the guilt, stop feeling sorry for them, and raise them to be respectful, independent, and responsible. Otherwise, he is crippling them.

Yes, this, all of it. And he

Yes, this, all of it. And he should stop asking them if they want to come live with him, that puts them in an awkward position and should be a decision he and BM make together.

OP, all you can do though is share your thoughts and then let it go.

Hi thanks for your reply..

The children do have structure in their home and they are not generally misbehaved...but they do know how to take advantage of their dad when they want something and he caves very easily.

Im just not sure what i can do about this

And i forgot to mention they spend the whole summer break and every holiday with us..and that is when i ask for a date nights, just to get away from the kids for a little while.

Ugh. I feel your pain as that

Ugh. I feel your pain as that pretty much outlines my life as well. We have husbands that are guilty disney daddys as everyone else on here will say. Mine also "tries" to set boundaries/rules or just simply parent.....but like yours it isn't genuine and he's only doing it to appease me....and then he feels bad and acts resentful to me and then somehow everything wrong in the world is MY fault. He,too, feels bad for skids...."poor skids...BM is mean to them...I must be super daddy."

It is awful being married to someone like this, so I'm sorry you are dealing with it. I honestly don't think these dads can change......not really.....maybe just maybe to save their marriages but that leads to resentment and its kinda fake.

My only advice would be to try and get away as much as possible on those weekend the kids are there......so you don't have to witness the insanity. Disengage as much as humanly possible.....I've tried....I still can't deal with the way my DH acts when it involves his kids. I'm fairly certain that my marriage won't last if I don't find a way to 100 percent disengage....forever....and ever b/c these kids will never launch....as they are treated like toddlers at 16 and 12.

Just a couple of observations

Just a couple of observations.. at one point you say you only step in and give your opinion when it is something that involves you. But, you really need to own the fact that you have actually done more than that, by your own admission you advised him he is doing a disservice to his children with some of the permissive parenting he was doing with them before you came on the scene. So, in reality, you have been encouraging him to not be permissive and probably set more limits on the kids than they experienced before you came on the scene. And.. don't be fooled.. they know that you are the driver for these changes.

Also... I'm not sure how much custody time your DH has. But, depending upon that, I could see him pushing back on "date nites" and weekends away from the kids if he has fairly limited "eowe" time with them. My DH did, and generally, whenever possible, we tried to not plan adult only things on the few days a month that the kids were over. Because.. that was the purpose of the time.. for him to be with his kids.. not just give his EX a break.

All that being said, I don't think you have bad intentions at all.. and you are probably correct that regularly having ice cream for dinner isn't a good habit. BUT.. it is just FINE on occasion. also. a parent is allowed to spoil their child on occasion too.. it's all about balance right? So, he shouldn't feel a pull between you and them that he can "never" treat them.. nor should he be allowed to go full on disney daddee.

One part of your post is positive for sure.. you say the kids are well behaved.. that's great. You are at least starting from a fairly good place with them.. you don't have really horrible issues to overcome.

Unfortunately, you can't fix the fact that he loves his kids and doesn't like to tell them no. I'm sure there is a fair amount of guilt/wistfulness about the fact that he can't be with them more. That's natural and that he has these emotions is both normal and healthy. That he also wants to please you is also positive. I think that reminding him that he is a good father and that good fathers sometimes have to make decisions that aren't popular all the time is the best way to handl this.

Hi thanks for replying.

Yes i do make suggestions to change his parenting because those things do affect me. I dont involve myself in things like custody, visitation, punishment, and issues with their BM...

I know there is a possibility that they may want to move in when they are older and i dont want to have to deal with 2 teenage girls who think that the city is a place to go to parties and just have fun. I dont want the kids to be blinded by the city lights, i want them to grow up to be independent and successfull and street smart to get them there. But i also know they will have a hard time getting there if they think they dont need to lift a finger because their father is going to provide them with all of that.

I know my husband wants to be able to teach them to be independent adults, but like you said i think too that his guilt parenting is hindering his ability to do this and its affecting the way i feel about my position in my marriage

Both my SDs turned out to be

Both my SDs turned out to be self sufficient. they aren't and weren't perfect.. and definitely he let them get by with things more before I got there. I don't fault you for wanting his kids to "be" better because it will help them in the long run.

but, as someone else said.. don't take on guilt for his situation.. because he did divorce his EX.. that wasn't on you. And.. he needs to understand he can't compensate for every little pain his kids will feel in life. no matter how much he would like to.

I am trying to figure this out

The mother has primary custody, but you want date nights when they are there. He may love his kids, and want to spend time with them. Is that impossible for you to understand?

Like i said...we have them

Like i said...we have them all summer break and every holiday

she said the kids are with

she said the kids are with them all summer and every holiday on top of every other weekend.......she shouldn't have to be on lock down with no access to some adult time with her hubby during all of those times, IMO.

I agree with doing the kid thing only every other weekend but summers and holiday's......they should get some alone time. Everyone needs adult time.

Of course summers, but I think many people think that holidays

are family time.

Oh I totally agree and maybe

Oh I totally agree and maybe I assumed but what I assumed is that the OP meant Holiday school breaks for a week or two at a time.....like all of Christmas Break, Spring Break, Thanksgiving.......

If SK are there all summer

Then you should schedule a date night. As Every Saturday night. So he can arrange babysitting for his Kids. Date bight one night a week is not that much to ask for

If SK are there all summer

Then you should schedule a date night. As Every Saturday night. So he can arrange babysitting for his Kids. And you can find a fun thing to do. Date bight one night a week is not that much to ask for

If they are there

If they are there all summer, every holiday, and every other weekend then he has a lot of custody time. It is hardly a "break out the good china" special occasion when they show up! There is no reason that life should not carry on as normal and that includes chores, errands, and the adults in the household having adult time together on a reasonably regular basis. Anything other than that is telling them that the world revolves around them even in the most mundane of circumstances and that is just not healthy.

Op, you have a select few

Op, you have a select few posters here who are A. Either NOT stepparents themselves, or B. They think SMs need to STFU and never complain about a man who ignores their needs in favor of a kids' wants.

It is not selfish to want a date night every week or two during the summer when the kids are there every single night.

You are right that you can't possibly fix the dynamic he has with his kids. I would start taking myself on dates or meet with GFs as much as possible when he has his kids. You don't have to sit at home like a doll on a shelf waiting for him to play with you.

Some people can't balance being a parent with being in an adult relationship. This guy is being a crappy dad and a shitty partner because of his unwillingness to have rules and his refusal to give you the time you need. He is failing all of you. And those girls are going to prove just how much he is failing them in just a few years when puberty hits and they become the monsters he's raised them to be.