Welcome to the site.  It isn't all candy and roses here.. but you will get a lot more empathy.

1.  You are absolutely correct about the "mom" title.  Stepmom is the correct term.. Having the child use your first name.. also absolutely fine.  Here's a fun fact.. my DH's girls were 5 and 9 when we met.  They called me by my first name and they still respected me.. and to this day we have a good relationship (21 and 25 yo now).  Don't let people feed you that line that his kid is the "same" as your kid to you.  There IS a difference.  That child already has a mother.  Yours has YOU for a mother.  You can make a positive impact on the child's life no matter what they call you.

2.  I actually think you are being pretty logical about the logistics of things given that you are going to be giving birth fairly soon and neither you nor your DH have ever cared for the boy for any length of time.  It's going to be stressful enough for the boy to be missing mommy.. it makes absolute sense to transition to your house a little more slowly if that is at all possible.  His parents and his Ex's parents seem more logical places for him to transition "full time".. with maybe gradually longer and longer stretches at your home.

Now, if it's not possible for them to take the child full time right now.. your DH needs to suck it up and bring the kid to your home.. and then your DH will be the one caring for the 4 yo (not you.. not your job).

Look, you are facing one of the most life changing experiences of all times when you have your child.  In all likelihood things will go just fine, but if you have to have a C-section or some such complication comes up and you are hospitalized or unable to do much for a longer period of time.. your DH will be scrambling to deal with it all.. and it seems that it would make sense for his son to be safely and securely with grandparents just in case. 

So, I don't think you are out of line at all.. and I don't hear you saying you don't want the child there at all.. just since the boy isn't a frequent resident of your home.. and you don't even know what you are doing with your own child.. takiing care of a homesick 4yo on top of that would be extremely more difficult. 

It might be different if your DH had 50/50 custody and you were all much more secure in a home routine with the boy.. but you aren't.

So... I vote for grandparents if they are up for it.. with you guys taking "long" visitations easing up until you can take over full time with the boy..

First, stop asking for advice from non-stepparents. Most are clueless, insensitive idiots about the issues we face.

Second, stop believing this garbage that you "also married his child." That's illegal, illogical and gross. Did you also marry his father and sister? No. Stop it.

You are not at all selfish for thinking it would be overwhelming to have an unrelated child whom you barely know thrust upon you the moment you give birth for the first time. You have every right to expect your husband to find other arrangements for his child while you adjust to everything coming. 

(((Hugs))) You have finally found people who "get" it.

You’re not selfish for wanting alone time with your newborn, what first time mom wouldn’t want to have that? Not to mention, you don’t know your stepson yet at all, and this transition is going to be stressful for everyone involved.  It’s always the ones who’ve never been in your shoes - or even close to them - who are the first to pass judgement. Ignore them, they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.

I think having the grandparents help out (if they’re willing & able) is the best possible solution. It’ll make the transition easier for the 4 year old & give you the bonding time you’re going to want & need with your daughter. 

As for the transition of having your SS with you full time, don’t feel like you need to ‘love him as your own’. You most likely won’t, because he’s not yours, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s far more rare for a SP to love their skid like their own than social media would have us all believe. We don’t have that biological connection nor the unconditional love that comes with it.

Plus, he alreadyhas a mother.

Again, anyone who makes you feel badly for feeling differently about your daughter & your stepson can p*ss off. And don’t feel badly that you don’t think of him as your stepson yet either. My DH has a daughter I’ve never met & I certainly don’t think of her as my step daughter or myself her stepmom. His sons I see EOWE, it’s a much different relationship & I absolutely see them as a part of my family (though 100% not the same as my own child!).

I hope you stick around the site, I’ve learned a ton from the (mostly) wonderful ladies & men here

I think with the husband that she needs to approach it as what's best for the little boy too.  It is going to be scary and frustrating enough for the little boy to be without his mother.  The last thing he will need when he is in crisis is to be shoved into a place that he is not very used to with people that are very preoccupied with the birth of his sibling.

The kindest thing that you guys could do is let him have a soft landing and soft transition to your home.. where you and your DH can better give him the care and attention he will need while dealing with the loss of his mom and learning how to get along in a new home.  It's not like he is 10 and you can ask him to make his own PBJ.. lol

If your husband is in the military, how much time will he have to devote to raising his son?  Before the thing about BM going to jail, I would have said, no, it is not up to your man to say he will take the boy, if the reality means that YOU are going to be the one caring for him most of the time.  You CAN SAY NO.  I realise that it is a crisis situation with BM going to jail, but it should not be up to you to pick up the slack - this is the responsibility of the boy's biological parents to make appropriate arrangements for him.  The fact that you are shortly going to be a new mother, makes it even more inappropriate that this should be your job. 

What you're feeling is completely normal, and it seems to me that you are strongly considering the needs of the 4 year old as well.  It would absolutely be an easier transition for him to stay with his grandparents for a few weeks than to move in with a couple almost-strangers whose household is turned upside down by a new baby.  Realistically, how much attention is he going to get when you're sleep deprived and dealing with the time consuming needs of a newborn?  That is NOT the way you want to start him off in your house.  I think he'd have a better long-term outcome in your home if his introduction to it was in a more normal situation, once you'd have some time to adjust to the new baby.  I would guess that the 4 year old is going to be particularly needy, having just been removed from his mother, and you will simply not be in a position to meet his needs.

Do you have any idea how long he will be with you?  If it's going to be for any length of time, I would start looking now for a preschool/daycare for him.  Making friends and having a routine will be good for him, and you should not be thrust into the role of his full-time caretaker, especially with a newborn.  This is not your child, and you barely know him.  No one should expect you to become his temporary full-time nanny while BM is in jail.

Your husband wants to do what he feels he needs to do for his son, as his father, but he has to keep in mind that he also needs to to what is right for you and the baby, and the family as a whole. He thinks the best thing, as a father, is to just bring the boy home full time, but he really needs to think this through, logically.

The fact that he has not been a big part of his son's life DOES matter and makes it a more complicated situation than just plopping him into your family (which to him, you guys are not his family). Everyone needs time to adjust and if the transition can be done slowly and at a better time than you giving birth and caring for a newborn, that would make more sense.

Otherwise, there are bound to be behavioral issues, lack of respect, etc. This kid barely knows you or his own his father.

Oh, and I've been with my DH for almost 23 years, since his daughter ws 5, and I still refer to her as my husband's daughter. I use SD on here for simplicity but in real life, step daughter has never really sounded right!

Welcome and congratulations on your soon to be here daughter.

Your DH needs to think long and hard about uprooting his son and taking him away from the only family his child has ever really known. Ego aside, you guys are going to have a long hard road ahead if you take SS full time now.

I would let your DH know he needs to be prepared to take family leave to not only be there for you and your new baby, but for SS as well. That he will need to get SS into a form or counseling to help him cope with his whole life being uprooted.

DH also needs to look into programs or before and after school care that he can get his son into, so that the burden of raising his son is not forced on your causing you to resent your DH and SS.

You and DH will need to sit down and discuss what you both expect as the parents when it comes to SS. Are you going to be allowed to enforce rules and discipline with SS? Or will DH be the only one allowed to do that?

There is a lot of things to think about and to talk about and your DH needs to do what is best for his son, not what he feels is best for himself.

Be honest with your DH, he needs to listen to you when you tell him how you are feeling about the whole situation and he is not allowed to negate your feelings or make you feel bad about how you are feeling. Getting couples counseling might help also.

Lastly ignore the people who are on Fakebook, they all lie!

This may be DH's one and only chance to get custody of his son.  The BM has a drug problem and this child will have life long issues if he remains in her custody.  Letting the GPs have custody for now may mean that DH will not get custody in the future.  SS knows DH is his father and they need to form a relationship.  My son never had a relationship with his father and he suffered for it.

Find a good preschool where SS can spend his days socializing with other children, and in the evening DH can take care of him.

I'd just like to say that I think you're an amazing person for being willing to take on his son full time, it takes a special person to do that. Selfish for wanting a couple of weeks break when you have a newborn? What planet are those Facebook women on?!

People on those parenting groups who aren’t in blended families don’t live with the same daily issues and pressures we have and are insensitive basically telling you tough shit etc.

i get how you are feeling with your newborn, its tough with the regular feeding/diaper changes lack of sleep etc and not to mention if you’re breastfeeding and you barely have time to yourself.

i was overwhelmed with baby #1 but remember you are learning how to adapt and juggle things. Parenting is a juggling act.

having the grandparents help out with ss the first few weeks and take it from there. Maybe after you’ve figured a routine then if your partner is home he can pick up ss and handle him but he needs to understand he must also be present and interacting and bonding with your child too. 

Its a great idea for him to teach his son to be around your kid, teach him to do things. In intact families and with subsequent kids, the elders help out minding the baby here and there, feeding a bottle if they are older etc

i remember being told on a parenting site that ss didn’t ask for a baby sibling and shouldn’t be expected to care for it when all i said was he didn’t acknowledge our kids at all. That it was acceptable for him to ignore us all like we don’t exist.

in normal families elder kids help out with chores and are even tasked with diaper changes, feeding bubs or holding them etc... the excuse was let kids be kids. Yeah what you end up with are failure to launch kids pampered too much to be useless and unproductive in society

as hard as it is, remember even on shit days take 5-10 mins to make yourself a cup of coffee and a quick bite to eat. Tell your partner what he can do to help. It should never be him him him.... there needs to be a compromise and sometimes its just obvious it’ll be a shitty week so let your partner know specifically what you need him to do to help out. There should never ne your partner bitching that hanging out with mates and having me time as an excuse to not do his part when you have not had me time. If anyone says well your partner should be out with friends and you can call a babysitter at those times for a break, i feel he should know the daily compromises and sacrifices you make everyday so he is more attentive and considerate to you

And THIS is when this group shines.  I'm so proud of this place :)  Such wonderful and understanding advice for a new scared woman entering this difficult life.  THANK YOU my friends for being so outstanding!  

I agree 100pct w/what most here have said. No, not selfish at all, everything you feel is normal and we can validate for you.  

Now, having had experienced post partum depression myself with my 2nd son, I will go out on a limb and suggest the transition of the SS to you guys be after baby is about 2-2.5 months to be honest.  Maybe some 3 day weekends in between after the 1st month.  Why?  Because honestly the following weeks are many times harder then the 1st few where they just sleep all the time.  Colic can set in, hormonal issues for you can pop in, by then weeks of sleep deprivation kick in and cause serious stress issues.  

Normally after about weeks 8-12 they start sleeping through the night better and you get more level hormone wise and schedule wise.  I really like the idea that he stays w/the grandparents and has visits on ocassion, then the 2nd month maybe he stays 2 nights a week or say 4-5 days and goes back.  Make the transition over a couple of months or so, not a couple of weeks.  Take time for YOU, your baby and yes for the SS who will need a slow transition.  

How far do you live from the grandparents (both sets) and bm/ss right now?

If dad sets good boundaries, it will be fine. For example if you are feeding baby at eight in the morning with bleary eyes, you can say to husbands son would you like to help yourself to the cereal on the table, that would be a great help thank you. Four year olds can be quite self sufficient when needed. I think you are scared of the practicalities of going from none to two kids in the blink of an eye. You don’t have to run around after them both. Four year olds can be good for conversation when baby can’t talk either. You will be ok.

He is not going to be happy moving to your home. No body likes change.  You are not his mother, He has one already.  It’s going to be a big change for him.  His mother leaving, not seeing him.  Staying in a new home, new rules.   

Your whold marriage is going to depend on how this is handled.  If DH put DS first, you and bio second, your marriage could be over.  If DH does not parent his son, your marriage could be over.  SS does not have to like you, but has to respect you.  Your DH has to make SS respect you and your home. 

Yeah facebook is the worst possible place to look for advice on stepparenting and I make sure to comment on every post I see full of terrible advice that the person needs to read Stepmonster and go to a blended family board and not take advice from non steps. For some reason the stupider someone is on Facebook the more they feel inclined to shove their opinion on others. If the conventional "wisdom" regarding stepfamilies was true the divorce rate wouldn't be 70 something percent for second marriages with kids. There needs to be a stepparent awareness movement on social media IMO because stepfamilies are a huge percentage of society now. 

I totally understand where u are coming from. When I first became a new mom. I was overwhelmed with having ss here and having to care for a new born. It's a lot of work and not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I dont think you are in the wrong by asking that ss spend his time with his grandparents while you adjust. 

Usually the people commenting and leaving nasty things are those who have never walked in ur shoes and literally have no room to talk. No one knows what its like to be a step mom unless you yourself are a stepmom. And even then every role is different in each household. It all depends on how ur step child is, how bms relationships affects ur home, how dh handles his child.....so many things. I think I here you will find some that can relate and others the wont but for the most part is pretty safe to open up. So welcome.

My biggest concern is that you said, "DH doesn't really understand how I feel."

Why?! Why doesn't he understand that you are a new mother worried about taking in his son that even he barely knows? WHY can't he listen and validate your concerns, and figure out a way to support both you AND his son?

That would worry me the most.  He should be kissing your feet for even considering not only having his son move in full-time, but being willing to consider being the primary caregiver yourself.  He should be willing to do what would help YOU, not just what he thinks is best for him.

And I agree if the grandparents are willing, they should take full custody of SS until he's more familiar with both of you and your home.

As a SM for nearly 20 years now, I totally agree you need to ignore those other moms. Steplife is truly one of those situations where it's easy for people who are not step-parents to be sanctimonious and say what THEY would do. It's quite a different thing when it's you and your household. Weirdly enough, my SSs have almost never addressed me directly by any name, but if they do, it's my first name, NEVER "mom." You are a step-mom legally, and that's appropriate. Maybe someday the boy will want to call you something different, but that would be up to him. I truly can't imagine how difficult this could be. Having a 4 year-old virtual stranger that you're suddenly responsible for 24/7 at the very same time you have your first child sounds incredibly overwhelming. Both of those alone are situations of extreme change and emotion for a family.

Do you have a mom, sister or other family member who could come stay with you a month or so after your baby is born to help out? I'd be especially concerned if you have to have a C-section, as you'll be physically challenged for a couple weeks afterwards just trying to get up and down to take care of a newborn. From what I understand, being military, your DH won't really be able to help out much with either child. I know someone whose daughter was in the military at a base a couple states away and got pregnant and could not take care of the baby as a single parent in the military, so her mother (the grandmother) had to adopt the child. I am afraid most care of this boy will necessarily fall on you, so you are right to be concerned.

Also, I think your family needs counseling to work on all these various aspects and help you try to blend. While I agree a preschool program for the boy would be good, be prepared for it not to go smoothly, especially if he's just been home with BM all his life. And most preschool programs are a few hours a day. Will you have to drag your baby out of the house to take him and pick him up? The few hours break will do you good, so it's something I would push for. 

One good thing is you will be able to post here for advice, and I encourage you to do that.