Is this reasonable?

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This does not pertain to me however I’m curious as to what are reasonable and unreasonable expectations of a step mother. For example your partner invites you on a vacation with his mother and kids. You quickly realie that everything on the vacation revolves around the kids and you are expected to share the costs of he vacation equally. For example everywhere you eat is chosen by the kids and the kids order multiple items off he menuif they don’t like what they ordered their father allows them to order something else after have eaten some of it. Granted none of these restaurants you would have chosen to go to because they are not your taste but you sacrifice for the kids yet you are expected to take your turn in covering the costs for everyone, not just yourself. In return the kids have a general whiney, unappreciative attitude about everything so that does not help matters. They take a lot for granted me You are also not allowed to have a day to yourself and go off and do the things you like, eat at the places you want too etc or your spouse gets angry and guilts you for not wanting to be a family so basically you give up all of your needs and wants for his kids and fork over quite a bit of money to do so. You were also invited on the vacation but no one offered to pay for you plane ticket so you bought your own and got a ticket without a seat assignment and your partner is angry because you didn’t pay the extra to sit with him and his mother and kids yet no one offered to buy your ticket. Again the kids have a general unappreciative, whiney, entitled attitude. Are these reasonable expectations? It seems a little one sided but please correct me if I am wrong on this. What are the expectations of a step parent? And is it ok if your partner berates and yells at you in front of his kids because you don’t want to go along with everything?

that sounds awful. It's

that sounds awful. It's probably time for you to move on from this shit show.

But to answer the question....none of that is reasonable.

Oh god no. Why would anyone

Oh god no. Why would anyone stay in a relationship like that??

I would not go on a "vacation"

With kids unless my own were coming. But some people on ST do expect a DH to go with SM and her kids, even if his are not coming

I am one of those. I do think

I am one of those. I do think my DH should go on vacation with me and my kids without his kids sometimes. In my experience...friend cirlces or whatever it's the mothers who usually plan and execute vacations.....that being said BM takes skids on vacation all the time....and I think I should get to take my kids on a vacation without skids....but I do think my DH should also come along. Will he? I really doubt he will get on board with it.......but he would also make me feel guilty for leaving him behind so anyway I slice it....I lose....and my kids lose.

I dont think he should make you feel guilty

But I only want to blow through vacation days for either adults only trips or if my kid coming.

I can understand that, but my

I can understand that, but my DH has months of vacation days saved up to the point where he needs to use or lose. haha

I should have mentioned that we share a toddler....so he wouldn't be fully without "his" kids if he went with me and my bio kids.

Fair enough

In his situation, not a problem. I dont let my vacation days go unused!!

Ummmm NO

This sounds like a complete nightmare, and that your 'partner' is controlling and sounds like he could become abusive in some way.

Get out of this relationship. Now.

Your “partner” doesn’t sound

Your “partner” doesn’t sound like much of a partner. He sounds like a whiny controlling dictator.

The more important question is what are you going to do about it? Stay for more of the same? Set boundaries for yourself? Leave the relationship?

It doesnt pertain to you?

But then it does? who does it pertain to????

Sounds like absolute misery.

Not reasonable.

And a whole lot of nopes.

My therapist used to tell me that when someone shows you who they really are, it's a gift and you should accept it. This individual has shown exactly who they are and where their priorities lie, and it's not with you. I would be putting my ducks in a row if I were married after this, and if I wasn't married, I would be hightailing it out of that relationship.

I think that if I was dating

I think that if I was dating someone that let his kids pull that crap and then berated me would not be someone I was dating any longer.

1. No.. I am not paying for your kids' meals. I ordered the clam strips and a coke.. here is my 12.50 plus tip.

2. Plane ticket issue. I don't think they should have paid for the ticket for the Step parent.. but the person who pays decides what "upgrades" they pick..these days getting to select your own seat costs money.

3. I'm going on vacation and can't do one thing "on my own" or without kids? Please let me know the situation up front because I am going to assume that MIL can watch the kids for an evening or two so we can go adulting. I will also assume that I am free to do some things on my own.. but if I'm not.. thanks for the invite.. but I will choose to spend my vacation time on a vacation I actually will enjoy.

I agree with all of you. I

I agree with all of you. I understand the kids come first but at what point do your needs start to matter? I’m also not sure I should be expected to pay for skids, mil, etc. even if I was invited. I think as your guest I should be expected to cover my own expenses and that is it (maybe pitch in occasionally for groceries, transportation, etc) but I don’t think it’s reasonable for the step parent (guest) to be told where we are ubering because the skids are hungry and they are too picky to eat at local places then I’m expected to pay for the transportation of 6 people. It just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe as a step parent that is selfish? No?

You should not ever be a

You should not ever be a “guest” in your marriage. If my DH planned a vacay for his kids and his mom and wanted me to come along and pay for myself and help pay for them ..I would laugh in his face.

I agree. If I invited my wife

I agree. If I invited my wife/gf to go on vacation with me and my kids I would cover the costs of her ticket. It is called being courteous. If she wanted to spend some of those days in her own doing her thing no problem. She deserves a vacation too and after all they are not her kids!

I actually don't agree with

I actually don't agree with the buying of the ticket unless you are a much higher income earner and can afford to "gift" her a vacation. I think it's just fine to expect everyone to pay their own way.. just like my DH and I pay our equitable share of household bills. Of course, he would not expect me to cover his kid's and mother's meals or other expenses.

If there is a general method

If there is a general method where You pick up this Uber tab... and he picks up the next.. and MIL the next.. like taking turns buying rounds of drinks.. I don't have as much of a problem with this kind of picking up the tab.. but it assumes that there will be a time when someone is covering MY share too.. and that the people with the extra mouths to feed are picking it up more often.

No problem taking turns

No problem taking turns however it was a general attitude of whinyness and unappreciativeness from him and the skids and not really giving a poop what She wanted to do, eat etc the skids gand on top of that mil and Gf were picking up the tab more often than not and him and unappreciative kids were running the show. The skids complain about everything. Also it was huge deal that She did not pay the extra to book a seat next to him and his kids on the flight when Gf was left to pay for her own ticket and you have to pay extra for that and his kids don’t act good a lot of the time. Also gf was left to her own devices to get herself to and from the airport since his car had no room because of him, mil and the skids.

WHY are you still with him?!

He's brain washed you.

I read some of your posts. He's just a bf, none of them are family, steps etc.

It really sounds like he's using you. Why don't you date other men?

I would feel that money well spent

To see what a circus that is. It’s a preview of what your life will be like. You spending your money then get walked on. Think that it’s a lot cheaper then a divorce, Time to pack and move on. Trying to fine someone normal

This would have been my life,

This would have been my life, had I stayed with formerSO.

I am so happy I didn't choose that for myself and my son! And the relief I felt after leaving was IMMEDIATE and has only been uphill from there.

OP, you can do it. The relief will be immediate.

Hell no!

That does not sound like a vacation at all. That sounds like a nightmare. I would not want to spend my hard earned vacation money on brats.

Do you have any kids together?

If the answers no then screw the shit show you mentioned, but if you do have children together that somewhat alters the equation a little, we'll a lot. Because you can't really treat siblings differently, I end up paying holidays the lot for ss9 so my bd can have the experiences without bm wrath of favouritism.

Not children together

Not children together thankfully

I can understand how little

I can understand how little kids can be a handful. His kids are 6 and 9 however when they do talk back or said rude things he does not correct them most of the time. I have put up with his daughter telling me what to do, being sarcastic and bossy with me only for him to say nothing. I. Went for a walk on my own without telling anyone but no one asked where I was going He also has berated me in front of his kids when he is angry with mfr a walk on my own for ten minutes only to come back to his normally rude to me daughter playing the victim and saying “you left us” then he would begin yelling at me saying “I don’t blame her for being hurt! You are acting like a child!” No one addresses why I went off on my own to begin with (kids being rude, I was being ignored and shut out for voicing a different opinion) and also I believe yelling at someone and berated them in front of your kids is uncalled for and made me feel very low and isolated. Yet I’m supposed to feel like a family with these people?

"Yet I’m supposed to feel

"Yet I’m supposed to feel like a family with these people?"

No, you are not. You can leave. I cannot begin to wonder why you are still with him.

no no and no

OMG your partner is being selfish and unresonable. Please try to have a calm conversacion explaining very clear few things:

- Their kids are not your responsability which means you don't pay for their holiday (or anything related to them) and you don't have to spend your holiday with them if you don't want to.

- If he really cares about his kids he should never disrespect you in front of them. Obviously disrespect in never right but explain that having arguments in front of them is bad for them not just for you. I had this conversation many time and finally we both understood that we feel like shit if we argue in front of them so if there is tension I would just go and do my own thing and he will ask me for space too.

- Explain that you should both agree on holiday plans and that isabsolutely fine if you don't go with them and do your own thing.Sometimes couples don't even go on holidsy together. And also explain to him under with terms you would join them (if you would), for example if you get to decide some plans or have a day off by yourself?

- It is fair that if the holiday are for the kids and you just go there to do him a favor he should pay for everything.

That if the way I am doing things after 2 holiday together. This year I am not even going to join them because for me that is not holiday. But this took us a lot f comversations and arguments to get to the point of: you enjot with your kids and enjot my free time without a guilty trip. You need to think if your partner is a good person and deserves your patient and the conversations and arguments this will take or... if he is a dickhead and he needs to f.. off. Take your time and don't be afraid of saying NO whenever you have to.

Ick

Stepkids AND his mom? And you paying for any of it? No.

DH86 and I vacationed with his 3 and my 2 back in the day. I had fuzzy images of us all in a rosy glow of happiness. A complete disaster. As my counselor said afterwards, "JRI, there's fantasy then there's reality". If anything, yours sounds even worse.

walk, no run, no fly away.

that was no vacation

Vacations with kids tend to

Vacations with kids tend to revolve around kids. Activities and restaurants tend to be kid centric. But,...

To me, it seems you were an afterthought add to the trip. The tickets were purchased and then you purchased yours individually. As a parent, I would pay for a seat assignment so I would not be separated from my kids. As a partner, if I were not paying for the ticket, I'd at the very least reimburse my partner for the cost of the seat assignment.
But, in your case, based on how the vacation went, sitting separately from them probably worked out for the best.

Restaurant -- I have no idea why a parent would think it is ok for a child to order something, decide they don't like it, and then order something else. Makes no sense to me. There is no way I'd be splitting the cost of this insanity.

To me, you were added to lower his cost. I'd decline any future invitations of this type.

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