We do what we do every day and by comming to this community because we want the best for the kids and Skids. At least that is MHO.

All kids can be a PITA. I know I was. Anyone who knows my parents has heard the challenges that I presented during my formative years.

I think that the issue with bio-kids is that a parents job is to care for and guide their children. Thanks comes in the form of the I Love Yous, smiles, hugs, etc, even if "thank you" rarely comes out of the kids mouth.

The absence of the hugs, I Love Yous, hugs, smiles, etc that is often present with Skids makes the absence of "thank you" very noticeable and more aggravating.

I for one am fortunate. I am the only full time Dad my SS has ever had and we have a pretty good Dad/Kid relationship. Of course the I LOVE Yous go more often to Mom but when he throws a pillow on my lap, flops down on the couch, puts his head on the pillow and says "Dad, scratch my head" I guess I get the point.....I am only good for taking care of his flees.

Best regards,

Before you come down too hard on SP's who "seem" to despise their SKs, please read again what they are writing and what they are dealing with.

I don't post very often anymore because my SKs are grown, but I do lurk, read and post if I feel I can add to a discussion. This is one of those times. If you go back and read my blog, you will find that I am one of the people who doesn't like her stepdaughters. I came into their lives over 15 years ago and I have watched them grow up into self-centered, selfish people. The older one has gone back to school and is living on her own, but she still sees us as a free babysitting service that she can use anytime, regardless of how short the notice is. No, she doesn't ask for money for her needs, but she makes sure DH knows she is having money trouble because he will help her. I find her to be very negative and unpleasant to be around. She will speak in lowered tones to her dad if I am in the room or she will simply talk to him in another room and then remain silent when they come to wherever I am. No, I don't say anything to her dad about this - DH knows it is happening and quite frankly, I am glad I don't have to deal with her.

The younger SD is on her third pregnancy (at 19), is unmarried and unemployed. She calls when she needs money.

So, if you are lucky enough to have SKs who are like your own children, that's great. But please don't come down hard on those of us who aren't that lucky.

marika

(gets off her soapbox)

On one hand I agree with you. When my sons misbehave it doesn't irritate me nearly as much as it does DH. But...when his daughter's borderline/bipolar symptoms rear their ugly head (pretty much daily) I'm the one who can handle it more patiently than he can. He feels awful for what SD puts us through, plus is a former victim of BMs verbal/physical abuse. So when SD comes out with a BMism - demanding all the food, attention, entertainment, materialism and not giving a damn about anyone else's needs- he flips. We are all filled up, saturated to the point where we do over correct and get irritated sooner.

I will say being a step parent taught me to be a better mom, to react a little slower when my own sons mess up. And I feel bad when my sons act up too. However, the difference for us when it's the boys is the genuine remorse and responsibility for their actions we see following an outburst, where as SD wants us all to just forget she screamed in my face, raised a fist to me, chased my son with a knife, etc as though it never happened. As a matter of fact there are times she convinces herself it didn't, which is much like her mother's way of dealing with her own actions that she knows are inappropriate, by reinventing the incident to exclude whatever behavior was extreme, and turning it around to someone else's fault.

I don't despise SD or BM, but I do hate their illnesses and the resulting behavior that ensues.

I would disagree with you on not thinking my kids need to show gratitude. I think it's perhaps the most important thing I can teach them along with humility, and responsibility. And even though SD shows no signs of grasping a gratitude filled life, that doesn't mean I'm lowering the bar for my own sons or BD 2 in that respect. If SD never gets it, then it won't be for us trying.

All my kids are expected to say please and thank you when we do something above normal parental requirements for them. And in my book, all that we are required to do is give them adequate food, shelter and love. So they need to thank us for a lot.

Now I know that SD's and BMs illness makes our situation different, but I think that regardless of mental health, the inconsistency of blended families creates many issues for both BPs SPs and kids. It's just not a natural situation to have to share the parenting of kids, or have your values constantly challenged and compromised. I know my parents didn't have to go through that. Let alone add to it the materialism, the attention seeking behavior, the kids elevated to adult rights without adult responsibilities that surrounds this generation culturally.

Ok...didn't mean to go on and on. But every situation is so different, I don't see how one can judge another in this.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

to me is a huge part of having good manners, something that my family and elders did expect from me and is something I feel all children and steps should be taught and expected to exhibit. I would say not teaching my SD good manners is the single most limiting thing my BM has done to my SD (other than not supporting her education but that's another story!).

Good manners do not just appear, it is not natural until you are taught, so the kid needs to be shown how to act, then corrected 50,000 times until please, thank you, hello, goodbye, its nice to see you and humility in general are a way of life. IMHO!!

I have followed your blogs pretty well and never once felt you are in any way responsible for your BM's suicide. It is hard to know exactly what was going on in her head, but she was sick and when you are very sick sometimes it is hard to go on.

Please forgive yourself and do not allow guilt to rule you, because I truly believe you have done nothing wrong. You are not responsible for keeping your husband AND his ex happy. That is too much to ask of yourself and no one should ask it of you! Her life, her responsibility. If she had exhausted all her options to where that seemed to be the only one left, it is sad but still hopefully she could have seriously asked for help, from a suicide hotline if nothing else?

It is truly a shame the children no longer have their mother but I think her problems were bigger than anything you could have done to help her. I am glad to hear that you love your skids - I think they should tell you thank you!! take care honey

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Yes. Do I get it? Depends. I don't get it from my oldest son. He has gone awol from his family-his entire family. From my youngest son-I get it everytime I speak to him. My oldest SD. No. Probably never will. Youngest SD? Everytime I speak to her.

I don't hate SD17. But I don't like her and won't apologize for it. She is rude, selfish, insolent and acts as tho she is the queen. Neither one of my sons ever displayed this type of attitude. Of course I had problems with them-my youngest son was a handful, but the things he did only hurt himself, not others. And he has grown to be a young man I am proud of.

I care about what happens to SD17, of course, but no more than I care about any other young person growing up in todays world.

SD13, on the other hand, I love deeply. She is sweet natured, sharing and thoughtful.

My youngest son describes me as the most caring person he knows-and he knows me well. It takes alot for me to actively dislike someone, and SD17 has filled the bill, so to speak. I do not feel any guilt over my emotions regarding her. Just because she is H's child does not automatically award her my love. She has thrown what I have tried to do for her in my face so many times that it would take nothing short of a miracle for me to change my feelings towards her.

With your skids BM committing suicide, you've faced a horrible situation. And your skids are really lucky to have you in their lives. And one day, when they are grown into adults, you'll likely receive the appreciation that they are now not showing.
You've been with them so many years, that it is natural that they take you for granted.

one of the things that is the hardest is that my skids are boys. I grew up with 1 brother who was 8 years younger so the rough housing crap ect... is something that I am just not used to.

My other biggest issue is that my husband puts off dealing with BM and then things are worse than they need to be rather than if he would discuss things head on.

Both my husband & his ex do a crappy job of communicating & making decisions together for the kids.

Funny thing is when I force him & tell him what to say, it all works out just fine. Too bad the two of them can't just figure out that stuff on their own.

not one bit. I adore the little shits.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

But I do think that a lot of us are very frustrated and use this site to vent anger and frustration and look for advice so that we do take it out on those in our families. I do not hate my skids either. What I do hate is injustice, lying, stealing and bias. Unfortunately, I have had to deal with all of these things since coming into the world of step. My bios are not perfect either, at all. They are human too, however, I do have more direct control over what happens with them because I am not limited by the step boundaries that I have come up against.

I don't think anyone here hates you either Lulu. I am happy that you seem to have a good relationship with the skids. I started out that way, but somehow I got to become the bad guy because I cared about what was happening with the skids and wanted to treat them like I do my own and be involved in their lives in a capacity that was more than the "Bank of Georgie."

I hope that you never have to deal with some of the heartache and bullshit that a lot of the ladies here do.