SDs always disliked me. BM always hated me. My BS did a huge mistake. My married will probably die. I'm at a loss!!!
Hello.
First of all I would like to say i feel blessed because I found this site.
I'm stuck in a pretty bad situation.
A little background. I have 2 sons, ODS 19 and YDS 15. I got pregnant when I was 17 (youth mistakes and bad choices...) and my ODS' father left the scene before his birth. I married another man (YDS' father) but 6 years ago we saw things were not working out anymore, so I left.
4 years ago I met my now husband and we married 3 years ago. He has 2 daughters, OSD 17 and YSD 15. From day 1 they never accepted me. OSD is very standoffish towards me. Always were. Never tried to know me. We don't talk to each other and I'm disengaged from her.
She's not bad or mean, but honestly, I won't persue a person who is clearly unwilling to have anything to do with me. YSD was always a b*tch. Never liked me, never warmed me, always made clear I mean nothing to her, Me and my family are not family to her.
Once, actually the first time they were seeing my mom, my mom said she was happy because she always wanted to have a GD, YSD told her she was not her GD, me marrying her dad doesn't make me or my appendage her family, etc. My mom was sad, hurt and shocked.
My husband always corrected her, always punished her for her bad behavior, always parented her. Didn't change anything. I decided to disengage from her to. It takes two to tango, she clearly prefers another dance.
BM is an obsessive woman and never accpeted me. His family never liked her.
My MIL loves me, says I'm a good woman.
My sons like my husband, they are happy I'm happy. Their dad found another woman, which is making him pretty happy. I'm honsetly happy for him, he was never a bad husband, but love came to and end for us.
His daughters never liked my sons, never tried to know them, always excluded them. YSD last year made a false allegation that my OSD was harrassing her.
Yesterday I was holding a lunch at our house when we heard someone knocing furiously at our door. It was BM.
My MIL opened the door and BM screamed: "I'M HERE TO TAKE MY DAUGHTERS AWAY FROM THAT HOUSE!"
My MIL started to fight with saying she wouldn't take anybody and claiming she would call police.
"YOU BETTER DO THAT. BUT FIRST, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, YOU OLD WH*RE"
She gave my MIL a smartphone, my MIL started to see what she was showing and then exclamed "oh my God! DH take a look at that"
My DH took the phone, seconds later he said: "Is that ODS? F*ck! I'm going to kill him!"
I asked him what was happening he said: "YOUR SON! YOUR SON IS HARRASSING MY DAUGHTER!"
I told: "Can't you see, BM is poisining you with lies. False allegations again? Change your tricks, honey"
Well, I unleashed the beast! She was angry and told me: "LIES, LIES, YOU WH*RE? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, MOTHER***KER"
I took the phone and I almost puked when I saw the screen
It was a video of my son masturbating he sent to YSD.
"READ EVERYTHING, YOU WH*RE!"
I read. Dozens of messages with sexual content, dozens of photos of him naked, a video of him peeking her on bathroom. It has been happening for 6 months.
I couldn't believe. I almost fainted. I couldn't believe my own son would do this.
"SO, WHAT ABOUT THE LIES NOW, YOU WH*RE? LET ME SEE, IT WAS CLEARLY ME DRESSED LIKE YOUR SON RUBBING MY SH*FT TO MY DAUGHTER, ISN'T IT? NO!!! IT WAS YOUR MOTHERF***KING PEDOPHILE SON, A GROWN MAN HARRASSING A TEENAGER!"
When I heard those words I couldn't hold my tears anymore. I could believe. I fought so hard to be with the man I love and my son destroyed everything. BM now has full force against us.
She said: "I'M TAKING MY DAUGHTERS WITH ME RIGHT NOW!"
My MIL said: "Take them, it is the best thing to do"
When they were about to leave, BM told my husband: "You will never see those girls again!"
He sat on sofa, clearly shocked. He was speechless.
My MIL sat next to him, when he said: "I will lose my daugthers. It is all my fault, I falied to protect them"
My said: "Actually, it's your wife's fault. She is the mom of that disgusting pedophile. She was the one who made my gd look like a liar. She clearly knew what her son did that time. She made us believe my gd was lying to protect her son."
It's not true. But i had no forces to defend myself.
He left about an hour later and went to his mother house. Haven't talked with me since.
I was there alone, my sons were at thei'r dad's house.
That image of my own son doing that disguting act repeated in a infinite looping.
I'm sad, I will probably lose my husband. I'm feeling like a terrible mom, how could a rise a son like this? I'm felling like the worst human being, what if that false allegation wasn't false at all? I'm afraid for my son's future. BM will obviously after him. He will go to jail.
I'm not here to seek validation for my son's acts. What he did was terrible. No woman deserves to be harrassed, never. The fact my YSD never liked me and excluded me won't change my mindset.
I came here to try to unburden.
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Comments
Have you spoken to your son
Have you spoken to your son about this?
Somethings not adding up. ysd made allegations a year ago and noone believed her. For 6 months she has had evidence on her phone that vindicates her yet she hasn't shown anyone? Until now?
Good question.
Good question.
MIL asked her why she didn't say anything. She claims he menaced her.
I talked with my ex-husband later that night and now my son is MIA.
I don't know who my own son is anymore...
I don't think there's much
I don't think there's much you can do or say to anyone until you've tracked your son down and heard his side of the story. What an awful situation I'm so sorry.
Don't listen to whoever it was that said this is your fault because you raised him, I'm sure that was said in the heat of the moment with heightened emotions.
At the moment I really think your focus really needs to be finding your son, for everybody's , including his own, sake.
Could be he has been harrassing her
No one beleived her, he increased, then she decided to accumulate proof. Time will tell.
ETA -- I am always concerned about protecting teens in a blended family environment. Unless they have been togehter since they were very young, they will not likely regard each other as brother/sister. They may get along, but will not have instinctive regard as non-sexual partners
I am so sorry. You must be
I am so sorry. You must be hurting so much. What an awful situation for everyone involved. I hope you find your son soon. Xoxo
This is not your fault. You
This is not your fault. You’ve done the best you could as his mother, but kids grow into their own people, and at 19 he’s made these decisions entirely on his own.
I hope you’re able to track him down, but I also hope he’s legally held accountable for his actions. I’m so, so sorry this has happened to you.
meh... not blaming her for
meh... not blaming her for the son's actions - but both she and her DH might have prevented this from escalating if they'd believed YSD in the first place... or at least investigated...
Sure they could have, but the
Sure they could have, but the responsibility for these actions still rest with her son. As much as it will pain OP, I hope he gets the book thrown at him & spends time in jail. Far too often women aren't believed & men get away with sexual assault. They have evidence he committed these acts & he deserves whatever he has coming his way as a result. I can imagine OP feels horrific enough as it is without any of us shaming her about what she & her DH should have done months ago.
Shocking 'first post".
Shocking 'first post".
No words...
I'm pretty sure I've seen
I'm pretty sure I've seen parody porn that starts exactly like this.
Well, someone failed to teach
Well, someone failed to teach him to respect women. Someone failed to teach him you don't masturbate for show. Someone failed. Big time. Sorry, but boys don't turn into sexual deviants overnight and I seriously doubt this his step sister is his only victim.
You gave a detailed play-by-play from the ex wife, but you have nothing on how your son reacted when you immediately called him after this discovery. Which you did, right?
I would like to hear exactly how the son
was "cleared" and initial allegations dismissed as lies. Even if it came down to he said/she said, if I were DH, I would not consider matter resolved, and would work on protecting my DD. I note how OP defines good parenting only as disclipine, not protecting. I think a lot of the responses here would have been different if a SM's kid had been harrassed.
Now, to be clear, I blame the DH for not protecting his DD, but if he feels he was manipulated or coerced into accepting his SS's story, I can see that the marriage is likely over.
It is not JUST about the SS harrassing the SD, it is about a DH not protecting his child. I doubt there will ever be trust in that relationship (the DH and his DD). OP seems only concerned about her son and her marriage.
You aren't at fault for your
You aren't at fault for your son's actions. The only thing you can do now is make sure your son is held accountable.
I don't pretend to know what will happen with your marriage. I don't know what I would do if I was in your husband's shoes. I do know that time and counseling will be needed.
Your SD needs to press charges. Your exH needs to tell the police where your son is staying. As much as it is in our DNA to protect our children, you need to make your son step forward for this. He may not have to register as a sex offender since he did not touch her (as far as you know), but he will need a lawyer.
Sending that disgusting video
Sending that disgusting video to a minor better effing land him on the registry. If he was masturbating in front of her, it would, and sending it to her phone is the same damn thing.
I understand that this all
I understand that this all has to be upsetting and confusing for you. It must be hard since you stood up for your son last year to find out that your faith in him was likely misplaced.
The fact that these people didn't like you to begin with is somewhat immaterial to this situation. It sounds like your son has likely gone way too far.. and perhaps your standing up for him last year when things were "minor" has not made him feel he could act as he wished.. I definitely can see how your husband would feel very guilty for being responsible for bringing your son into his daughter's life.. and while no one could predict things.. I'm sure there is a LOT of second guessing over the decision to believe your son vs his daughter last year.
Can you get past this as a couple? perhaps if you both work very hard.
Ultimately, you need to figure out how to get in touch with your son.. and he needs to be held accountable for what he has done. He may be prosecuted.. he likely will not be welcome in your home and you may have to live with that.
I think one of the most
I think one of the most important things to teach a kid is accountability. That every action has a consequence. Right from wrong. Etc.
He needs to be prosecuted. That's the consequence for actions HE chose. The parents can't pick the actions, but they can help enforce the consequence. He's an adult, he shouldn't get a slide. I know it's heartbreaking for you OP, but I think things need to be filed for this. Show your DS he's not above consequences and the law. And show your DH that you won't cover up at the expense of his kids either.
Exactly this. There is no
Exactly this. There is no free pass because it’s ‘just a video’. He was also peeking in on her whilst in the bathroom & sending her countless texts & messages. I don’t understand the women who are responding & saying it’s not as big a deal because he didn’t physically touch her. Yes, it is. It’s not rape but it IS assault. And at 19 he needs to be held accountable as an adult, not a ‘stupid teen’.
I doubt any chance of a a cover up
I suspect that the SD's mom will:
1. Go to the police and demand prosecution.
2. Go to CPS and demand they declare both adults unfit parents. This may result in OP losing custody of her younger son.
3. Possibly suing OP (not certain if she can sue her ex) on behalf of her DD for allowing this to happen. Of course the BM can have a suit on behalf of DD against OPs son, but I assume he has no assets. She may find a lawyer willing to bankrupt OP especially after the initial claims were pooh-poohed and no action taken to protect the Sd.
I hope the BM does press
I hope the BM does press charges & demand prosecution. But the person who had a greater responsibility towards his DD’s well-being was OP’s DH. Not OP. Do I think they could have done more to investigate? Yes. But of the two of them, he should have protected his daughter & OP should have had conversations with her son about appropriate behaviour towards women, whether she thought he was innocent or not.
At the end of the day the person who deserves punishment is the 19yo. OP & her DH could have done things differently, I agree, but HE is the one who chose to do what he did. OP doesn’t deserve to lose custody of her younger son due to the actions of her older, adult son.
"OP doesn’t deserve to lose
"OP doesn’t deserve to lose custody of her younger son due to the actions of her older, adult son."
Actually, she does. The adults in that home have proven that they are not capable of keeping a minor safe. When that occurs ALL minor children are pulled from the home.
CPS is in the business of protecting all children not just the ones that have been abused and/or neglected.