Major Attitude Issues
Okay, first I want to start out by saying that this is all totally new for me. I met the man I am about to marry two years ago (we were both in relationships) and six months ago he asked ne to be his girlfriend and in a couple of months I will be his wife. He has a 5 year old little girl who can be the sweetest thing ever, but she can also make me want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I was raised in a military family where respect for your elders was one of our main rules. "Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am, Yes Sir, No Sir" where the only ways to address an adult, throwing a fit was not an option, and I would have never thought that telling my parents "no" was an option. So lets fast forward to now...my future stepdaughter whines about everything, if she is not getting the attention she wants she starts with the whole "I miss my real mom" (my parents were divorced so I played this card every now and then), she throws fits no matter where we are or who we are around, and she will tell her Dad and I no. The first thing he asked me before I met her was that I treated her like I will our own children, and I told him I would, but that he will have to be patient with me. I try not to let her get away with throwing her fits or being disrepectful becuase I will not let our kids get away with that, but she is 5 years old and her Bio Mom lets her act like this. I don't want her to think I am being a bad stepmom because I actually get onto her (at this moment she is grounded from her iPad and being made to take a nap). She is a verys ensitive kid so when she knows you are mad at her she will start crying and beg you to forguve her. I tried explaining to her that Yes, I am irritated because she through a fit, but that doesn't mean I don't love her and that she has to learn. What am I doing wrong here? Her Bio Mom has seen her twice in the last two months so my fiance and I have her full time. I am trying to do this the right way because going from having no one but yourself to look out for to having a 5 year old who doesn't want to listen is stressing me out. Any and all advice would be appreciated!
Your SO is at fault for letting his DD
Act this way, He is not correcting her, He is not parenting her, This is a big problem because it will get worst because your SO lack of doing anything. You may have rethink about getting married. Until your SO gets help on parenting his kid. Don’t just jump in to marriage with this hanging over your head,
And Remembered, This is the best time in your relationship, where he is trying to make his DD look good. Once married he going to do less. Treating her as your own. Is not becoming a full time babysitter. She has a BM and BF you are and never will be one of them. She is all ready playing games with you,
"The first thing he asked me
"The first thing he asked me before I met her was that I treated her like I will our own children"
A. Unrealistic expectation set by the SO (check)
B. absent mother who is a Disney mom (check)
C. floundering first timer who is trying to figure out what SHE is doing wrong (check)
See A and B they are the cause of your problems, and only THEY can fix THEIR problem child, not you.
hmmn
It’s much more difficult to get out of a failing marriage than you would think. And once you have bio kids with your significant other your potential bio kids are permanently tied to step kids you may or may not get on with on a permanent basis. He needs to be dad in both a firm but empathetic way, because bio mum isn’t stepping up and it’s probabably confusing her at the age of five. A few gentle but non negotiable no’s here and there (when appropriate)will give her some good boundaries to work from. But I’m not very good with stekids, just wise after the event advice. I don’t get on with mine.
So keep your promise. Treat
So keep your promise. Treat her... exactly... as you will your own children when it comes to behaviors, consequences, rewards and punishments. When DH bitches about it... remind him of your promise and point out that your children will be raised with consistently enforced standards of behavior and performance.
Remind him also that you did not agree to have your life's enjoyment ruined by a lippy, smart mouthed, ill behaved crotch dropping and if he does not step up and parent then you will and neither of them will like it.
Until your DH proves himself as a father... do not pollute your own gene pool by spawning with this guy. You nor your future children need to be burdened by the consequences that comes with that shallow and polluted gene pool. Only you can save yourself and your children from that fate.
Good luck. Take care of you.
It is absolute insanity
to marry this guy this quickly. I have no idea why you would even consider it. Slow it down and hold off on marriage until the disciplinary issues are being handled by him and the child is adjusted to the situation. Given his fantasyland expectations and how quickly he is moving, please make sure this guy wants you as a partner and not just someone to help out with the kid. That child is his responsibility and it is his responsibility to parent her in a way that makes her into a tolerable person for you to deal with.
^^^I have to agree^^^
If you do want to marry this man, then give the relationship the best chance of success by slowing things waaay down. Rushing into commitment during the heady, hormone-filled early days of a relationship is a huge mistake.
Ask yourself, why the hurry? You've only been bf/gf for a very short time, and there's still so much more you need to learn about this man before you can make a well informed decision about whether he's right for you. Marrying somone with kid(s) is a VERY risky proposition, so the more time you give yourself to vet him, his family, the way he parents, and the way he handles his baggage, the better.
Further, you shared that you both were in other relationships when you met. Does that mean he was married? Because that's a set of problems for a whole different post. Suffice it to say that everyone has stuff they need to work through after a divorce or breakup, and it's very important that your bf be alone and take the time to learn how to parent solo. Over and over on this site we see stories about single fathers who rush into a new relationship, and that's a big red flag. Some guys just don't want to do all the hard work of parenting alone, and assume that any woman can be an Instamommy. Others want the benefits of a sexual partner they can dump all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare on.
Bottom line is, your guy has a kid, and it is entirely HIS responsibility to raise her. You're young, and can afford to take your time and be choosy. YOU are a catch, and unencumbered by baggage, so remember that you have agency and should be advocating for yourself. Try stepping back and leaving all the parenting to your bf. Observe his parenting style critically, and ask yourself if he loves you for you, or for what you can do to make his life easier. If he can't parent effectively now, things will get much worse and you will find yourself regretting tying yourself to this man.