Getting out of a “family vacation”
First post. Been lurking for a while.
Been together 5 years. Have 2 step kids. sd13, ss12. Both are genuinely good kids. Good grades, respectful, yes ma'am, yes sir. Please. Thank you. All of that. Never a problem.
So a small "trip" was being thought about, that we would be going to stay in a beach front condo for Memorial Day with her parents(no problem, we hang out all the time and enjoy our time), her sister and husband(with 6 month old), and us 4.
I immediately ask how big the house is, she says 3 bed 3 bath. I say absolutely not, we are too old for that and we can afford to take the trip ourselves(both make 6 figures) and I feel we are just subsidizing the sister to rent this $500/night place. My DW says the usual about how family is important and whatever, so I just tell her to do whatever she wants. Few weeks later, I ask where they're staying that I will just book a condo at which time DW says I told her to do what she wanted so she told her sister we would be joining.
She then goes into guilt tripping about how it's important and what not, you know the drill. I wasn't buying it. I just stopped arguing to end the whole ordeal but the fact remains is she thinks I'm going on the trip.
To top it off, she believes we are going to be sleeping in a "bunk bed" room with THE SKIDS IN THE SAME ROOM! O yea, and she THINKS, no, expects that I contribute to this(definitely don't care about the money but feel super disrespected all around in the whole situation).
I know I am not crazy for feeling this way, so give it to me straight. Would ANYONE agree to not only go on a 4 night "vacation" with the SKIDS, but pay, and SPLIT A ROOM AND BATHROOM in this situation?! Not to mention tiptoeing around a 6month old?!
I feel like this has stepped on so many boundaries, she knows how I feel about it, but it is impossible to have any conversations concerning her kids without her going into full psychotic defense mode. For example, she still dishes up ss12s dinner plates, makes his tacos, asks him if he's ready to take a bath, etc. this is all against all my advice and everything I believe in but of course am told "you wouldn't understand, you're not a parent"
Stop holding your tongue just
Stop holding your tongue just to get peace. Just say "NO!" loud and clear. This has nothing to do with not liking her kids and everything to do with overstepping your boundaries. We all have boundaries, they may be different for all of us but they should be respected. Sharing a bedroom with two unrelated teens would be pretty high on my list (add a 6 month old baby and you'd have me screaming and running for the hills). You're grown ups, you're entitled to your privacy ( especially at 500 a night ... Gawd, think what kind of a hotel room you could get for that).
If you do go on the trip, book a place for yourself and tell them that you need a decent bed and peace and quiet to sleep but that you'll join them for meals and you'll see about the rest. Don't give in. Your wife doesn't get to decide what makes you uncomfortable.
Honestly, I would turn the guilt-tripping back on her (even better if you can get in a pre-emptive strike) and ask her why she doesn't love you enough to have a vacation with just you and her kids, why she needs to have her sister and her family there as a buffer, why she doesn't care enough about you to respect your boundaries.
Why the heck did they choose a place that's so small???! Where's the fun in that, especially when you can afford it.
Don't do it
This is not going to end well if you go through with it. Better to have the big fight now rather than on "vacation".
And even if the skids weren't involved, I would not be sleeping in a bunk bed if I could afford better.
One question, are you supposed to fund this insanity but give the good bed room to the sister and BIL? If this is the case, its only going to increase your resentment.
I would assume we would be
I would assume we would be splitting whatever our share is. In situations like this, I usually keep my wallet in my pocket.
This will absolutely be a horrible fight, I tried to lead into it the other day asking about booking another room as suggest above and was told "the only reason they booked is we said we were in". My reply was that I never said I was in, just that you can do what you would like.
Of course her sister and BIL are going to get the better room and everyone is going to tip toe around a 6 month old.
I already know the whole situation is bogus, just looking for a nice exit without a massive fight.
Nope. If myself and my SO don
Nope. If myself and my SO don't get our own bedroom, it's camping, not a vacation. The "cram as many people into a too-small beach rental as possible" ship has sailed along with my 20s.
Let them go while you stay at
Let them go while you stay at home to protect that baby from your ; covid exposure, explosive diarrhea, or any other nasty bug you can come up with.
You are going to have a nasty fight over this. No doubt about it. It will end in a stalemate and you need to have something in your back pocket to keep you home. This might be an experience your wife needs.
I like this plan. We've
I like this plan.
We've already argued about it when I said I wasn't going, something along the lines of "if that's your attitude about it then you should stay home." Sounds wonderful to me although I know it will not be that easy!
It doesn't matter how much
It doesn't matter how much you earn if you own a business or work for a company - you don't have unlimited vacation unless you're a retired billionaire. I am VERY protective of my vacation time and I will NOT "go on vacation" when it's guaranteed that I will be uncomfortable and inconvenienced.
Your wife earns her own income, let her foot the bill and go with her kids. You stay home and have a staycation. My partner and I frequently do separate trips, so this would be totally normal for us and you staying home shouldn't be a reason for her to be upset.
With three bedrooms.. The
With three bedrooms.. The only way that I would agree is if you and your SO have a bedroom.. the Skids take another bedroom and the sister and her DH SHARE their bedroom with their 6 month old.
Sharing a bathroom.. I can work around that.. I cannot say I would be sharing a bedroom with teens/preteens.
I would tell your SO that is your line in the sand... and if there is not a room for you as a couple that you don't have to share? you can't go. I mean.. why would their baby rank a solo room.. but force the FOUR of you into one room? no way. If there are other people going than the 7 of you (three them.. four you).. then that house just isn't big enough.. and I would go separately.. or not at all.
The third bedroom is for her
The third bedroom is for her parents.
Ah.. I knew I was missing
Ah.. I knew I was missing something there..
I wonder if there is maybe some extra pull out bed option for the teens?
Otherwise.. a 3 bedroom just doesn't work well when you have 3 adult couples.. and then another need for the kids.. A baby or toddlers might share with a parent (like you would in a hotel).. but it seems awfully cramped to have 4 "big" people in one room.. and a bunk room at that!
It is absolutely ridiculous
It is absolutely ridiculous she would even think I would sleep in a room with her 2 teenage kids.
i cringe if either of them wants to even jump in the bed with her for any reason.
3 bedrooms for 3 couples and 2 kids doesn't work, with or without a pullout couch, I think it is completely unacceptable, ESPECIALLY if I'm paying(out of principle)
Another option is for you to
Another option is for you to book a condo anyway.. and still contribute the 1/3 of the cost of the 500/night place (to keep the peace since she already said she would chip in)?
Perhaps the kids could even stay with the grandparents.. and you could all spend a lot of your time there.. but everyone gets to go back to a decent night's sleep.
I'm more worried Ab alone
I'm more worried Ab alone time than sleep time, especially if I have to put up with 6 members of her family for more than a few hours.
Two rooms
If money TRUELY isn't an issue, perhaps rent another room, but still chip in for the "family" room and allow the kids to sleep there with their grandparents/cousin/aunt/uncle. You and your wife spend most of your day there with the group, and go back to your room for sleep. You'd end up paying for two rooms, but at least you'd have a quite and roomy retreat at the end (and beginning) of each day, and you won't have to hear an infant each night!
If I did that, I would end up
If I did that, I would end up sleeping there by myself.
this is only 1.5 from our house, staying home would ne a great option if it didn't end in a fight. Might be a great option even if it does considering the alternative
This doesn't have to be a
This doesn't have to be a fight. She knew you didn't like the arrangements but went ahead anyway.
Honey, go enjoy your time with your family. It's not for me this time but I support you.
The end. No need for more discussion. If she tries gaslighting or goading, you don't need to engage.
I can’t
Seem to avoid getting into a fight once she starts to gaslight. My personality does not allow it and I have to get my words in. I don't see a situation where I do not go that does not end in at least a fight on the front end. She isn't one to hold a grudge, but this is ridiculous. I can "put my foot down" and easily not go, just seem I'm going to hear a bunch of bull for something I spoke against as soon as I heard.
It takes two to fight, so opt
It takes two to fight, so opt out. Just say No and let the chips fall where they fall. Easy.
Yeah, that's what I was
Yeah, that's what I was getting at. She made the arrangements over known objections, and those objections are still the same. So, that's a trip that's not going to happen. The end.
OP, sounds like maybe you two need some help in learning how to fight fair. Things don't have to get heated.
I like this reply. Thumbs up!
I like this reply. Thumbs up!
There is no way I'd want to
There is no way I'd want to share a room with unrelated teens (heck, ANY teens), especially an unrelated teen girl. You already told your wife you weren't doing this and to do what she wanted. I'm not sure how she thought that meant you'd go with her. Don't waste your limited vacation time on this. Stick to your guns and don't attend or pay for this ill-planned trip. Have the fight, if need be, or this kind of thing, where your wishes are ignored, will happen again.
Seems like MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL
Seems like MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL would be more comfortable sharing a bathroom with four adults than six. They can get a 2BR, and you and DW can get a one bedroom for yourselves.
I can't imagine having to poup and shower in a bathroom shared by six adults.
to be fair.. a 3br 3 bath
to be fair.. a 3br 3 bath would be "ok" for three couples.. (each couple would have a bath right?). Where it starts getting difficult is when you add in two teen kids to the mix.. and unless there is some family room/den situation that they could use as a room.. it just doesn't seem like it is big enough for the number of people planned for this trip.
I mean.. the baby.. yeah.. it is a baby.. but at that age.. doesn't require a ton of room.
But the teens? nope.. they are needing their own space at that age.
And.. I am surprised that there aren't occupancy limits on that rental.. normally it's no more than 2 per room.. so that would top out at 6 people.. not the NINE that they currently are slated to invite.
I also vote for getting your own condo/hotel nearby.. let the teens take the room with grandparents and sister?
Agree
As soon as she told me it was a three bedroom I immediately said we were too old for those arrangements and I wasn't going. They are a pretty close family, so they don't mind. But I am not in that family, and I do mind. And said I minded as soon as I found out the arrangements
there is a living room den arrangement, but I don't feel like contributing and being crammed in a miserable situation, be ignored, do nothing I want, and have kids in and out of the bedroom to go to Bathroom, for starters.
I'd bite the bullet and let
I'd bite the bullet and let the storm of rage wash over me and definitely would not go. If you cave now, you're just opening the door to more of these ridiculous trips. If you face the wrath this time, it will be easier to deal with next time. Maybe next time she'll remember your requests about this trip and plan something that is at least tolerable to you.
Yep.
When she originally told me, I told her to let them get that spot and we could get our own condo and do our own thing. She refused. To put in perspective, this is a 1-1.5 hour drive, so it's not a big trip or anything like that.
Nope, never would my husband allow his son or even daughters
Share a hotel room with us. If staying with family, skids get to sleep on a mattress with rest of my inlaws whilst we have our own room. If staying at a serviced apartment or hotel, separate rooms always. My husband is adamant the only ones in iur bedroom are our 2 young kids
I wouldnt want to be part of
I wouldnt want to be part of any vacation like this one but I have to be honest, why did you tell "to do whatever she wants"? This statement implies that you dont care if she signs you up or not. From the beginning you should have told her no and if she insisted, your final say should have been "if you must insist, then i require private accommodations. If you dont want to come around, then you may go with the children and I will see you when you are back"
The fact that you said to her that you didnt care and she could do wtv she wanted made her go ahead with the plan and expecting you to just come along. Now your next action should be a convo about how you wont be able to make it because you arent comfortable with that type of accommodation and you have work/family stuff planned on memorial day unexpectedly. Either that or bite your tongue and go and have a very bad time
Cough cough
haaaaack! Oh hun Im sooooooo sick!
When someone is sponsoring the lodging, they get the bedroom and
a bathroom. Everyone else wedges where they will fit... in a manner that minimizes the discomfort of the sponsor.
We have very good friends who are maxed on points for Diamond Resorts and have several time shares at Disney World. They sponsor trips regularly using their insane number of points. Usually they get several 2br/2ba condos. They put us with them. They take the main suite, we get the other one. If their are extras who show up, they get pull out in the LR and any minor spawn get the floor in the LR. Unless... a rude family member "shows up". We will gladly take the pull out while their rude family members get the second BR. That happened once. We took the pull out without complaint and had small spawn crawling all over us all night. After that... they will not allow anyone to displace us. We do not conplain, we are grateful for the time with them. We do not need them to provide lodging for us. It is how they ensure having close time with friends and family. Usually they do one two week group trip per year. One week their families are there, the next week is friends. We get invited for both usually.
As for your conundrum... there is no conundrum IMHO. Inform DW that you are not staying with the herd and book your own near by luxurious accomodations and tell her you would very much enjoy time with her and hotel therapy which ain't happening in the bunk room with her failed family spawn.
We have done single accomodation trips with my family but... every couple had their own room and bathroom suite and when they were young the kids were on pull outs in the LR or on the floor in sleeping bags.
This Skid accomodating obsessive stuff... nope. And... IL vacations.. not somethign I am particularly good with. Other than camping trips. That I am okay with. Even when we visit SpermLand to visit my ILs, we stay in a hotel rather than MIL's, BIL1's, BIL2's, SILs or even DW's Aunt's. I know, double standard... we stay at my parent's frequently. But in my defense, my DW won't stay with her family except for occassionally with her mother ... if I am not there. She will not stay with any of her Sibs.
It sounds like to me that you
*
So.....
Surious Steptalkers are wondering what the heck happened with this trip?