These are all great questions, and I’ll respond according to my opinion, and my opinion as a SM for close to 20 years now.  If these were underaged children, I might have different answers.  But, regarding adult SKs:

---  What about the amount of time they spend in the home my DH and I share?  This needs to be set by your husband and yourself.  Even in intact relationships, adult children are not necessarily allowed to come and go as they please.  If your DH has let them come and go whatever in the past, then you need to sit down with your DH and discuss and he needs to let them know what these new restrictions are and that he agrees with them as well.  This is your home with your husband. 

---  Is it “normal” that it seems like SD20  is a bit jealous of the relationship I have with her father?  Yes.  Prior to you and especially if DH was single for a while, she or other SDs in the household, may have felt like his “pretend” wife, so to speak, taking care of dad, chiding him like a child, etc.  So, when dad’s new wife enters. . . more than likely SKs are not going to just be handing what they see as their role over to the “new woman.”  Your DH is the one who needs to let them know that you are his wife and they are his children, so no mixing up of the roles here or any longer.

---  What about rude kids?  Rudeness should never be acceptable from anyone.  I don’t know why people think that when you throw the term SM in the picture, SM has to show a certain level of tolerance for rude behavior.  No, she doesn’t.

---  If they are technically adults but still act as children, can you have talks with them as adults? Or do you treat them like children?  Regardless, I do feel that adult children should be treated as adults, but it does complicate things more to have to deal with a pissy adult, if that is what your question really is.  Again, most of the reprimand needs to come from your husband, even if they are adults.  That is because as soon as you and you alone try to deal with them, more than likely they will infer that you are an intruding be.atch and deluding their father into being married to you.  Not true, I'm sure, but every SK, even adult ones, tend to be suspicious of SM when she first enters the picture, and feel that they somehow have to protect dad from this new woman in his life.  They'll see you as an outsider and won't trust dad's judgement.  Even though he has known you for sometime and dated you for sometime, they'll think that they know your true character better than him.  Weird, but that is the way it usually goes, for at least a while.  Any kind of discipline or requests coming from dad is key.  Of course, the SKs may go on to think that you are sprinkling mind-control dust on his cereal every am, but at least then the SKs have any new boundaries direct from dad.

---  Do steps ever have good relationships with SKIDS?  Yes, they do.  It all comes down to the bios, mostly BM and DH.  If BM has moved on and no longer holds a grude and if DH has little to no problem sticking up for you as his wife, it can certainly work.  On the other hand, manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.

---  How much time are you required to spend with SKIDS in order to be considered as trying to have a relationship when you don’t actually enjoy their company?  You may not enjoy each others’ company, but you do it to make it work.  Me, I don’t go with my DH to every family event, but I do go to the ones I would like to or feel I would enjoy.  You don’t HAVE TO go to every event with DH, especially if you are being treated rudely for little to no reason.  Let DH deal with it.

---  What do you do if you have a favorite SC bc they have been best to you?  Everyone has favorites, even in intact families.

---  How much should a SM care about how the SKIDS feel about her?  You are dad’s/ your husband’s wife.  As his wife, you should be respected as dad’s wife.  Other than that, you don’t have much control over whether or not someone will like you, whether they are SKs or your coworker or next door neighbor, etc.  If you are cordial and decent with them and each other, sometimes that is as good as it gets.  So, DO NOT put too much weight on how your SKs feel about you.  Sometimes, SKs will hate you just for having 24/7 access to THEIR dad.  They don’t see it as as a wife, you should have 24/7 access to your own spouse. 

---  Do you have to get along with the SKIDS in order to have a happy marriage that has a chance? How reasonable is it to hope for an amicable relationship with SKIDS?  You don’t have to get along with your SKs, but it certainly helps.  Efforts should be made on all parts.  Again, it is possible to have an amicable relationship with your SKs; however, there is much outside of your hands that determines this.  At some point, you may have to let it go and focus on your marriage and enjoying your life with your husband.

---  Should I expect my DH to be on my side if I have to confront SKIDS at any point? Or should I plan on taking it up with them separately and hope we can work it it without their DH?  This highly depends on the issue.  Personally, I feel DH/ dad should be the one flexing most of the muscle with his children, even adult children.  They need to see the message come from dad.  It is important to remember that you are his wife and his children are his children.  Those are two separate relationships.  There really should be no 1:1 competition going on or side-taking per se.  But, unfortunately, a lot of DHs have their head-in-the-sand on this, and Lord knows! People will try to make it out to be a SK vs. SM thing, with poor pops caught in the middle.  In reality, if dad is treating his wife like a wife and his children like children, then all can or should be getting along.  There should be no scolding a wife like a child around his children, or giving children some sort of priority that would usually be reserved for a wife, such as sitting with them and BM for an entire event, while his wife sits on the sidelines.

---  How often is a SM expected to listen about how great a BM is?  Not at all, if she doesn’t want to.  Just keep nodding your head or saying, “That’s nice.”  Then change the subject or get up to go to the bathroom, etc.  This is you and your DH’s household, after all.  Keep it that way.

---  If you were not a SC, is it fair to expect a certain behavior of your SKIDS towards you?  Yes.  Every family has relatives they don’t particularly care for, but they keep in mind they are relatives and make it work.  I know my parents never cared for their son's (my brother's) wife.  But, they made efforts to keep things smooth for all.  No one seems to have any problems with these expectations.  But, for some reason, when you are a SM, people tend to think it is much more okay to throw stones.  It isn’t.  All parties should make the effort to be cordial and maintain peace.  If they are not, then that is on them and not on you.

Sorry, long even for me.  These are my answers/ opinions.  Best of luck to you OP!

I agree with what Idvilen said. My SS is 19 and I've known him since age 10, and he likes me - but my DH is a strong parent who has always put me first.

YOU can't be the one to set limits and make any changes that happen, they have come from him. But it seems many of the men discussed on here are unwilling/unable/afraid to make those change, so they put their spouse in front of them as a shield and she becomes that Hated Stepmother Who Took Dad Away.

Welcome to ST! I read your previous blog as well as some of the answers. Yikes! All I can say is your in a tough spot, but you dont HAVE to be.

Firstly some background on me - I have 2 SD's - Feral Forger SD20 and Munchkin SD13. I am older than you, in my 50's, and DH is also in his 50's, so my take on things is different.

About the money gifting - that is a huge deal, and you will need to assert yourself. I saw some great advice. My solution is that I look after myself. If DH is short I will loan him some to get through. Because he pays spousal and child support, it has become painful enough that he has only given about $100. Feral Forger keeps asking for more, but DH keeps saying "no".

I keep reminding him that I am his wife and as such, I need to be #1. It works because I take such great care of munchkin, and she and I are close. So he trusts (mostly) that I do have her interests at heart. She has always been my favorite - thats normal I beleive, and has always treated me with respect. She just became a teen so that may change.

For us, we make equal amounts, he has more debt, so it keeps him from giving $$$ away. I have retirement accounts and will be pushing soon to get him into saving for retirement. We will be buying a house together soon. So we will be equal owners on that. Otherwise we keep finances separate. Im thinking of getting a post nup, and life insurance policy on him so Im covered.

As to rudenessess? No - you are to be respected as DH's wife. I dont care if they share DNA with him, he needs to have my back as his life partner. Feral Forger would always get into arguments with me over "house rules" - stupid things like no couch camping, no eating in bedrooms, clean your own dishes, keep a towel under rabbit. Then when she would "mouth off" and be snotty, I said "please do not disrespect me" she would so I would bring it to then SO's attention to deal with. When he would yell at her (his form of punishment), she would insist that he "always put his girlfriend first ahead of his children." He would say something like go to your room, which was like a trash can and she enjoyed it, so there you go - no consequences.

This pattern continues to this day, and she has gone no contact with him because he "puts his stupid wife (thats me) first ahead of his children". No, he is backing me up. We are partners. She cannot move back in and think she can disrespect me, simply because she is his child.

So thats some of my story, which sort of answers SOME questions. Keep reading here - there are so many more who are experiencing what you have.

I think some of what I experienced with Feral Forger was her "mini wife syndrom" of being elevated to that role and then I usurped her. Like your SD(s)

Good luck!

Because too many don't behave like other or normal adults when it comes to SM.  Like stated above, "as soon as you [SM] and you alone try to deal with them, more than likely they will infer that you are an intruding be.atch and deluding your DH . . ..”  In no other adult situation would this be the case.  If I have to go 1:1 with a co-worker, for instance, I’m not married to that co-worker’s father.  A SM and SK don't even come close to sharing the same role, really.  The difference should be obvious.  As co-workers, you have the same role, you are peers, usually and can go 1:1.

But, when you have dad’s wife and dad’s child, it is not a peer to peer situation.  These are not the same roles.  These are different roles with different expectations, and much difficulty comes because too many non-steps think that these roles are the same—they are both dad’s honeys, adults—and therefore they should be treated the same and have every right to the same items, money, treatment and to go after one another 1:1.

I shouldn’t have to tell anyone what the roles of a wife are vs. a those of a child, including adult children.  However, much time is spent on these pages and elsewhere with SMs trying to get across to any and all that they are dad’s wife and not dad’s hoochie, and in some kind of direct competition with the SKs for dad's/ DH's love and resources.

This is why the message has to come from dad—because far too many, even as adults, think that dad, of course, must side with his children, no matter how off-base the comment or request may be!  After all, they are his children, the fruit of his loins, DNA carriers!  They do not see SM as dad’s wife or even see dad as having much emotional attachment or commitment to SM/ his wife.  In their minds, and I can assure in most other non-steps’ minds, dad married SM because he was tricked or was vulnerable at the time or didn’t really know SM, or because he thought she would take good care of his children. . . on and on.  This and many other reasons are given for why dad chose to marry SM.

The only reason that seems to rarely cross anyone’s mind is that dad married SM because he loves her.  Most married adults will quickly admit that they married their spouse because they loved him/her.  However, when it comes to dad and his wife, that thought may not ever cross their minds.

Regardless, whomever wants to keep deluding themselves into thinking that SM and SKs are in some sort of non-ending competition for dad’s love and attention, that is their choice.  Children are expected to leave their parents and create their own life, own family at some point.  They are not supposed to be hanging around forever suckling on one or both of their parents' teats.  A spouse, on the other hand, is expected to be by a spouse's side and for life.  Sure, dad may have divorced his 1st wife, and he may even divorce his 2nd or third, but the one he is with here and now—that is the one he loves as a spouse and expects to be with for life.   

Dad loves both his children and his wife, for sure, yet differently.  SMs are not co-workers.  They are a wife, and they are married to dad and dad is a husband.  No one should be thinking they can treat a SM like a co-worker, or that a SM should act like a co-worker.  A SM should always be treated as she is—her husband’s wife.  And, since so few seem to want to acknowledge that role for SM, then, yes, dad as dad has to get involved and say, “This is my wife and not my hoochie,” over and over and over, and in more ways than one.

Katoglow, I'm trying veeery hard not be negative, but I just have to ask it: FIVE stepkids????? WTHades?  And I thought I had it bad!  Okay, wow...  What you asked about how much time adult stepchildren should spend at home.  Well, if they love their dad, they'll want to be around him frequently, unfortunately.  Also, if they need things, they'll want to be around him somewhat frequently.  Golly, between five kids, I'm imagine you're going to see some of them quite frequently and at least a couple of them are going to be dysfunctional for whatever reason and be around to suck the life out of him and you.  I cannot imagine.    

ldvilen, your post was stellar!  I especially agree that the only way a marriage between the husband and SM can work is if the BM is not a manipulator and controller AND the BD is not weak and enabling.  Sadly, that would be a rare winning combo.  

Kato, hopefully you married a strong man who's full of character and backbone.  Best!