Exhausted StepMOM
What advice can y'all give for a tired step momma?
I am exhausted. We have full custody of my SD2. She is amazing. I have no bio kids but that doesn't really matter right now. I am just exhausted. We found out about SD in February. And since then it's been lawyers, court dates, court clothes, several hospital visits, doctors visits and a crazy Birth mom. It's been up and down but now we finally have custody of her. I am EXHAUSTED. I love that little girl to death but I am so tired. My husbands family is always at our house, I feel like we get no alone time. I feel like I am competing with all these people who are actually biologically related and I feel like it gets brought up daily. WHO CARES IF I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED. No one says things to people who adopt or foster, I took her into my home. I am there for her 110% but I feel like I am not getting the love and support I need from everyone. And its exhausting. Everyone keeps telling me this whole thing is a learning process for everyone, I understand that. But a woman (me) is stepping up to raise a child that isn't hers. Because her Bio Mom can't. I chose to stay and help raise this little girl but I feel like it is always something. If its not the BIOMOM its the INLAWS, if it's not them its preparing for court. Meanwhile I have to go to work, wake SD up, do her hair, bathe her, cook dinner. It's physically and mentally exhausting. Does anyone else feel this way? And feel like there Significant other just doesn't understand?
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Ohhh yes! I feel for you!
Ohhh yes! I feel for you! Young step children are hard and YOU should not be the one doing most of the work, while rewarding now, this can lead to resentment down the road. You need some time for you!
That is how I am starting to
That is how I am starting to feel now.....resentment. And I dont want to feel that way. It's more toward my SO though not my SD. It also makes me mad that he had a baby with BIOMOM first. Not mad more like sad.
Resentment is a really
Resentment is a really difficult feeling to deal with. I hadn’t really experienced it until becoming a step mom myself. I think it even took me a while to put a name to the feeling. Don’t be afraid to use it though, it doesn’t make you weak, only human. Once I told my husband I was starting to feel resentment, I think he took a step back and realized my struggles were bigger than he thought. Nobody wants to feel that way, I never thought I would have half the feelings I do lol! Hang in there and have those tough conversations. I’ve found that it really helps if I’m calm and not angry when I try to communicate how I feel. My husband is much more receptive if on a good day I ask to talk.
Why are you waking her,
Why are you waking her, feeding her, bathing her, etc? As much as you may love this little girl, she isn't yours. She is your SO's child. While it's great to support him, you need to be letting him do the heavy lifting and let him build his parenting muscles.
It isn't cruel, and it doesn't make you a bad partner or SM, to make your SO do the heavy lifting. I don't care if it doesn't come naturally to him, or if he works 7 days a week, or if he has an outdated view of what fathers should do. Point is that you aren't the mother. That isn't a criticism, that is a fact.
The fact is that he is a single father. He was as soon as he and BM were no longer together, even if only for one evening. HE has a responsibility to his daughter. As his partner, he has a responsibility to you and you to him. You have no responsibility to her other than what you want to do.
And what you want to do needs to be tempered by what your SO NEEDS to do. He NEEDS to learn to bathe her, and do her hair, and cook for her, and discipline her. She is going to have loyalty to him that she won't have to you, and he has to teach her that being loyal to him also comes with respecting you. But the only way he can get that message across is if he acts as a good, primary parent.
It's noble to want to step in and help, but ultimately it hurts both your SD and SO. Your SD needs to be able to look at her father and see a strong parent. If she sees him being weak and allowing others to care for her in his absence, she'll use it to her advantage as all children are wont to do. As much as you may act like mom, you won't BE mom. And if dad isn't strong, then this little girl will not feel bonded and connected enough to function normally.
So, if you need a break, take one. Start giving tasks back to your SO. As you give him more, take time for yourself. Tell him to work with his family to babysit one night a week so you two can go on a date. You're only 3-4 months in to having SD full-time, and you're exhausted. Your SO doesn't need to understand why you feel the way you do. He just needs to accept that SD is his responsibility solely. Any help you provide is a godsend, not a guarantee.
Agreed - he got custody of
Agreed - he got custody of her, not you, OP. He needs to be the primary parent, or at minimum, at least half of the parenting needs to be done by him. Have the in-laws take her off your hands some of the time, if they want to be helpful.
I agree with him needing to
I agree with him needing to step up and put in the effort. He needs to build his parenting muscles and I think I am going to sit back and relax a little bit.
But the biomom has walked out of the childs life, and so now I am Mom. It is a guarantee that I will always be there because I made that promise to always be there for my husband when I married him so I will always be there for my SD even if she isn't mine.
I think parenting her as a team is what needs to happen. She shouldn't have a primary parent, she should have a good team of two parenting her. But that is where our line needs to more defined to his parents and everyone else. Is that I am as equally her parent as he is. I chose that when I stayed with him even though he had a daughter.
But I do agree I need to take a step back and let him do some heavy lifting or he will never learn.
Thank you for the advice.
Does he agree that you should
Does he agree that you should be parenting as a team, or does he agree because it means you'll do more of the work?
You can't make the promise that you'll always be there because, unless you adopt her, you have zero legal right to her. Your DH could walk off tomorrow and you lose her. I'm not saying he will do that, but we all have to be realistic about the lives we have. None of us are stepparenrs because things worked out how we hoped. This dynamic exists because something happened that was unplanned, and we all have a responsibility to live in step life with eyes wide open about what can happen.
Resentment is a marriage killer. If your DH doesn't step up and be more of a team player, what are you going to do? How long are you willing to put up with it? How long before this breaks you? Or, how broken will you allow yourself to get before you throw in the towel and say this is too much?
Your DH needs to step up WITH you first. Then, once he does that, he needs to stand up for you to his family. If he can't do either of those things, then this level of resentment and exhaustion will continue until you make it stop. If he doesn't know how to step up, then he needs parenting classes and you two need couples counseling. You can't make him change, but you can control how much you're willing to deal with.
You're already headed in the right direction by recognizing that your DH is the problem. His family is going to take his lead, and so long as he treats you like hired help, his family will do the same. Being a spouse comes with a lot of responsibility, and part of that responsibility is showing your family how they will treat your spouse. That's a non-negotiable point and should be a deal breaker for anyone. I'm not saying his family has to like you, but HE should require them to respect the authority you hold as his wife and the authority he gives you as your SD's SM or he should put a hard stop on them being around you and SD.
So, don't be the only one who sacrifices because you think that's what marriage is. You BOTH should be bringing equal amounts of effort to the table. Your DH needs to be worthy to call you his wife and partner, which means he needs to get his own life in order before pulling you into it. It is NOT your job to fix this, nor is it your job to tolerate it. The only way you grow together is if you both have strong boundaries and a willingness to stick up for one another. If you don't have that, then you're screwed.
You made a promise you cannot keep. Don't think that beholdens you to dealing with BS from your DH and his family. The promise for SD to have a happy, healthy family has to come from DH. If he isn't doing his share to make that a priority, then he's failing as both a husband and a father. That is not on you to fix because you can't fix it. You'll just be a bandaid on a bullet wound.
If you continue on this path
If you continue on this path the resentment will build up and you will begin to take it out on the wrong person (SD). SO who donated half her DNA needs to step up and start doing the work. You are there to help him and assist him should he need it. That doesn't mean you don't love the child any less, it just means that SO needs to learn to shoulder his share of the work for his child.
100% this. I LOVE my skids.
100% this. I LOVE my skids. Anyone on here will tell you I'm pretty sure I've literally tried to move mountains for them. BUT, when DH doesn't shoulder enough, I get burned out really fast, find myself getting anxious over things, my temper gets shorter, and yes, some days I get resentful.
Your SO needs to be doing a large bulk of the work. You can still help, you can still be there, but you shouldn't be doing most of it. It will build up slowly over time! And it sucks!
While the BM of my step
While the BM of my step daughter is in the picture and has her about half of the time now (since she moved back to the area), I have taken on a lot of the responsibilities for my SD5 the past three years (50% of them). Since she is a high maintenance child (ADHD with some underlying issues that have not yet been thoroughky addressed) that I just do not have the patience for, I have stepped back and disengaged from those responsibilities as they are not and never should have been mine, even though I took them on by choice out of love for my partner. That was a mistake as I became the person he and the BM fell back on for EVERYTHING to do with SD. I recommend setting boundaries sooner than later. My unwillingness to continue with these responsibilities has been a source of contention the last month. Hopefully that changes because we are about to have a heart to heart tonight.
I feel you!!
I feel you!!
You will need to learn to step back. As much as you love her, your SO needs to step up and parent his own child.
Have a talk with your SO. Resentment sucks. I am at that point and I am trying to get my life back.
You're doing great!
You've stepped up for both your DH and SD. But you are on the verge of burning out and as another poster mentioned, you are going to take that our on the wrong person.
You need to tell your husband, and his family since they are so nosy, that you are carrying more than your fair share and that going forward, you expect DH to pul his own weight. Start delegating the responsiblities if he needs help. Put a giant freaking chart on the wall. If you get her up and dressed, then he needs to take care of food prep and getting her to daycare, for example. If you bathe her at night, then he should be finishing up the dishes and then coming up to help tuck her in.
I applaud what you are doing, truly! And really, your DH should have taken the lead since its his child. It seems like you want this to become one family. If you have any bio kids, your time with SD will set the stage for that.
That's fast
If she's two and and he just found out about her three months ago, then that's only about three years since she was conceived. How long have you been married? I'm curious how he could not have known he had a 2yo.
Your NAIVE no matter how you put it in your mind
This kid has a BM, she may not be able to take care of her, but they are always around. BM will always trump you, when SD get older it will all be your fault, For SD being taken away from BM, the “FUN PARENT”
BM will know how to take care of SD better, No rules at BM, no bet time, candy and soda 24/7. Ect,ect, you are setting yourself for a world of hurt.
TWO. BD should be doing most of the team work, he should be getting her up, breakfast ect, doing the cooking and child care. He the one who had the child he the one to parent it,
Do yourself a favor and spend some time to read these blogs and see what is in store for you
Look, no matter how much you
Look, no matter how much you may love her and think she's of her as your own, she is not your own and biologically, you will NOT feel like your ability to "do" for her is unconditional the way you would if she WAS yours. I'm telling you, honestly, when they're your own, you may get overwhelmed but there is never resentment against anyone. You get this crazy almost superhuman ability to "do" for them, even when you feel like doing nothing but crying. I haven't slept more than 2 hours at a time since I had my son 19 months ago and I still look at him like he's the world, still play with him like I don't want to keel over and sleep for 3 days LOL
It's NOT the same. And you need to be upfront and honest with your husband that while you love her, he needs to step up and "do" because you are starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and for the sake of your relationship with her, you need to step back before you resent all the effort you're putting in.
I will say, we've had full
I will say, we've had full custody of my stepdaughter since she was 2. She's 7 now. I've always tried to treat her as my own, and for a while, I thought I loved her as my own. Then I had my son and realized that couldn't be further from the truth. I still try, but honestly, my husband has always just sort of known SD is his responsibility before she is mine. He STILL thanks me if I get up in the morning and help him get her ready for school. He thanks me if I plan a birthday party for her. He thanks me if I go out of my way for her at all. Because he knows it's not the same - doing for someone else's kid - no matter how much you're bonded.