When to call it quits?
Hi all! I am new here. Just stumbled upon this site and thank goodness, it doesn't seem as I am alone in my feelings.
I have been with my husband for almost 7 years. We've been married for 5. I had 3 children before we got together and he had 4. We have 2 together. A lot of kids! However, we only have 4 with us full time, two of mine (my oldest is in his 20s and lives on his own) and the 2 that my husband and I had together. Out of the 4 children that my husband had prior, only two have a relationship with him. The are 16, SS and 14, SD. They come to our home every other weekend.
Both SS and SD are so incredibly rude, disrespectful and lie about everything! SS has issues with everyone and especially with authority. He lived with us for a year and it was ridiculous. I got calls every single day from the school for his behavior, he was suspended more times than I have fingers, i had neighbor's knocking on my door yelling ar me for SS bullying neighborhood children, he made up stories and lied about everything. I was dumbfounded by his behavior and the complete lack of boundaries and discipline of my husband. My husband blames SS's behavior on everyone and everything. I've hear it all...he comes from a broken home, he's just a kid etc...The year of him living with us started the downfall of our marriage. SS ended up going back to live qith his mother a state away. We then went back to only getting SS and SD just for the summer. Still there was all sorts of behavioral problems, but it was only for the Summer. He has just gotten worse and worse over the years. He's been arrested numerous times, baker acted, his mother allowed him to drop out of school. The list goes on and on.
SD is 14 and autistic. She was diagnosed at one. She has never recieved any treatment...at all! I feel so bad for her and have tried to help over the years. But there's not much I can do. They say she functions at a 4 year old level, but it's more like 2 year old teenager that we're dealing with. She is rude, she lies, yells, screams, throws tantrums and hits my 2 and 4 year old.
Last year, the BM decided to leave her second husband and move to our state with her 18 gf. Long story, but now BM, SS and SD live about 2 hrs from us. We are now getting SS and SD every other weekend.
Things have just continued to get worse and worse. I disengaged a while ago. That makes DH upset, but I honestly want nothing to do with those kids. I use to watch SD, bath her etc...I have him do it. DH yells at me anytime I have ever said anything to either of those kids about their behavior, even in front of them! They do absolutely no wrong in his book. He makes excuses for everything they do. In fact, of you go to him to explain what one of them has done his reply is automatically "no he didnt" or "no she didn't". There is so much more.
I am basically just so sick of the lack of discipline, DH being an enabler, making excuses and for the pure lack of respect.
This weekend he has them. I didn't want to deal with any og them. So, I took my girls and left for the weekend.
You know what to do
You can not live like that. You can not always be disrespected, by SK and DH. It’s them or you,
You're right
I have actually given him that ultimatum. I never thought it would come to that, but it has. It's so bad, if he is not home and those kids are there. They will both start disrespecting me then turn around make lies up. I started recording the convos. He still took their side, says they're kids, they can get mad. Yells at me and tells me that recording is childish. Unbelievable!
Welcome to the site! If you
Welcome to the site! If you were planning to stay with your DH, I would suggest you tell him that he cannot EVER leave you alone with your SS and SD. I did that early on in my relationship with my DH, because the BM made up a lie that she had reported him for abusing his kids - and I said - I am not opening myself up to the threat of that - and no way are you ever leaving them with me - even for 10 minutes.
However, your DH sounds like he basically treats you like shit, so my advice would be not to continue to allow yourself to be abused in this way. Yelling at you in front of his kids for disciplining them is unacceptable. You are right, he is an enabler.
Thank you! I completely agree
Thank you! I completely agree with you. I was actually just thinking of telling him the same. I am sure he won't go for it. He expects everyone to bow before those kids. I work from home and he is to get them for two weeks over the summer. When he's at work, I'm sure they'll have full run of the house, while I am in my office working.
Time to leave, sounds like a
Time to leave, sounds like a long time ago.
I think the time to call it
I think the time to call it quits is now. This isn't going to get better, because your DH is not willing to change, and probably thinks that he does not need to. You're in an untenable situation for yourself and your kids - they should not have to live with these incorrigible skids. If your husband had shown any willingness to correct his children, compromise, look for solutions, I might feel differently. But he didn't, and he does not treat your properly when those kids are around, so it's time to go.
Agreed. He says he's sorry,
Agreed. He says he's sorry, but that's it. No change at all. In fact, he says the reason why there's been no change is due to me. I am told I am just a B$#%@ that won't forgive and every day is a new day. I completely agree in forgiveness, that's why I am still there. However, an apology cannot be just for appeasement. Every day is a new day, but he cannot expect someone to be treated the way that I have and it not effect them.
And not one ounce of willingness to correct, set boundaries, rules, discipline them...nothing. He just blames me...for everything!