You are here

  • Home
  • Blogs
  • Merry's blog
  • Sure, DH, I'll handle all the hard stuff while you go chasing after your adult kids again

Sure, DH, I'll handle all the hard stuff while you go chasing after your adult kids again

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 9:51am

I've posted before about DH's kids ordering him around. They punish him if he doesn't "obey." It's gotten MUCH worse since DH's sister has been having some significant medical issues.

Brief recap: DH's sister (Auntie) lives about five hours from us. DH's brother lives about five minutes from Auntie, and the brother has all power of attorney -- legal and health care. DH and skids are very close to Auntie, and I like her too. She's been wonderful to me. I have no problem with DH making the trip to help out as he needs to or wants to. Totally supportive.

But whatever DH does is not enough for his kids. I don't know if they want him to move there or what, but it all blew up (again) yesterday. Auntie has taken a turn for the worse, and although serious, not life threatening. DH for whatever reason decided not to go see Auntie last week when this happened. Kids when OFF on him yesterday.

So, to assuage his own guilt and to placate SD in particular, he decides to go see Auntie today. Ordinarily, this would be fine. BUT OUR DOG WAS JUST DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER YESTERDAY and we're doing xrays and meeting with the vet tomorrow. Doggy has lymphoma, which if untreated means he's gone in 4-6 weeks, and we're already past Week 1. So I'm not willing to delay tests and discussion with the vet until next week when DH returns from Auntieville. To make matters worse, we just lost another beloved dog a couple of months ago. I am a wreck.

I asked DH if he would put off his trip to Auntie's until Monday. He's not willing to do that, for reasons that don't make any sense to me. There is nothing urgent there, but there is here.

DH said he's afraid that I see him as weak and unable to stand up to his children. I suprised him when I told him that is exactly how I see him. It's not my business until it affects me, and this affects me to my core. He has allowed this to happen, and now he's paying for it and I'm paying for it too. I resent the hell out of it.

I will take care of my dog and make decisions without DH. I don't know how I will ever forgive this though. It's a real kick in the gut.

Comments

Cbarton12's picture

Submitted by Cbarton12 on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 10:17am

I'm sorry to hear about your dog Sad .

And I wish your DH would stand up to his kids. DH needs to be there for you in your time of need.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Submitted by ProbablyAlready... on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 10:26am

So sorry about your furbaby Sad That's what I lost my first one too. Once he was diagnosed it was SUPER quick down hill. We were told with how far his had progressed when he was diagnosed that treatments would simply make him miserable and would only extend his life by a month or two at most :(  I ended up ditching the last week of my first year of college and going home to spend the time with him, he passed the day before finals. So many prayers your way for that!!!

I'm sorry your DH isn't being there for you through this!!! THe furbaby needs the time right now! It shouldn't matter that the skids threw a hissy fit!!!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 1:35pm

Thank you. I’ve been reading up on lymphoma so feel a great sense of urgency. Like you, I won’t prolong his life if it’s going to be miserable for him, but if we can buy some time with that gentle soul I will.

He’s an old guy anyway and has led a cushy life with us. I will do the right thing for him. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Submitted by ProbablyAlready... on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 1:54pm

I know you will!!! I understand the urgency!!! I really hope that they caught it early enough and that things go smoothly! Keep us updated!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 11:34am

DH just told me that he’s going to put an end to SD’s tyranny. 

“So you’re going to postpone your trip today?” 

“No, when I get back. I promised SD that I would do this.”

”You also promised me that we would make decisions about the dog together before SD made her demands. but you blew that right off.  Tyranny reigns.”

”Merry, I wish you could believe me.”

Me too, DH. Me too. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 11:41am

There will always be "one last time".

Like an alcoholic trying to quit drinking or a smoker trying to quit smoking, "Just one more, then I will quit."

 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 11:56am

Absolutely. If this were an emergency or even if Auntie asked him to come, I’d be totally on board. But that was not the case. He decided to go NOW to placate SD. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 11:52am

Another update. DH called Auntie. She is FINE. Well, as fine as can be expected.  No confusion, had full doc report.  She told DH not to come see her until she’s released from the hospital next week. THAT’s when she needs him there. 

Now he’s going to face the wrath of SD. It will not be pretty. 

But I am relieved. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 1:07pm

Because she doesn’t care for Uncle and she doesn’t trust that DH has the whole story and Auntie isn’t making the decisions SD thinks she should. 

SD has never lost anyone close. So she’s scared she’s going to lose her Aunt. Her coping mechanism is to control whomever and whatever she can. 

I feel badly for her. It’s hard. But treating her father like a child solves nothing. And he’s allowed it.

Monkeysee's picture

Submitted by Monkeysee on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 1:02pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your pup, I hope you’ve caught it early & he makes a full recovery. It’s so hard losing fur babies, they really are a part of the family.

Honestly I don’t know if I’d be able to forgive DH for something like that either. There are certain things that skids & First Family do not get to call the shots on, and this is one of them. Auntie is fine as can be, he’s needed at home with you, yet allowing his adult kid dictate his whereabouts? All so she doesn’t get mad at him? There’s just no need for that kind of manipulation, I’d be beyond hurt. I’m really sorry he’s putting you in that situation. He really should be ashamed of himself. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 1:27pm

For a really smart guy, DH can be so dense. He is easily manipulated and avoids confrontation at all cost. He’s a perfect target for SD. I’m just not going to live that way and I have no problem calling him out on his stupidity.

 

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 1:46pm

I'm sorry you're going through this with your pup.  We lost one to cancer, too, and it's so hard to deal with when they've been beloved and loyal family members for so long.  I'm glad your DH is postponing his trip, but I wish he would have done so because YOU asked.  And I doubt this will be the last time he bends to SD's control, but I hope he's telling you the truth when he says it is.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 2:05pm

So the aunt is married but SD doesn't trust him so DH has to rush over?  What the?  Does DH have any medical power of attorney or any say in his sisters healthcare? What exactly would DH even be able to do besides be supportive?  If SD is so concerned why doesn't she just go herself or DH could buy her a ticket to be with her aunt?  

Sounds a little wacky, dramatic, and unnecessary.  

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 3:26pm

The aunt is not married. It’s aunties’s brother (and DH’s brother) who has POA.

Wacky, dramatic, and unnecessary? Definitely. 

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Wed, 05/15/2019 - 2:20pm

It's heart-breaking to see your pet in pain and sick.

Two years ago my best buddy cat got very sick, nothing was working so the vet recommended a scan. The specialty place called to tell me he had a huge tumor growing that would probably kill him in a week (and they were surprised he was still alive). I decided to let him go right then because he was already under anesthesia, he had gone blind, deaf, and was unable to smell. As I got ready to go over there I called DH. I called him five or six times. I left a message each time. Told him what was going on and that I'd like him to meet me there.

He didn't show. I did it myself. DS met me at home and helped me bury our buddy. DH showed up after work and asked how my day was. I lost it on him. He had a fairly valid excuse that a team member had quit that day. BUT, he had made phone calls from his phone and seen all my message and I rarely ever call him at work so he didn't bother listening to any of them, even at the end of the day. I could understand if he couldn't leave work because of that, but not to even listen to a single message is not okay. He than had the gall to tell me I should have texted him. ?!

The next time something big happened I texted him. He didn't respond at all, all day. Guess what I got told? He couldn't look at his phone so I should have called and he would have heard the multiple calls and would have answered. Seriously.

I told him I did what he asked and it just appeared he was making any excuse for not paying attention to my attempts to contact him.

 

Take care of your puppy. You obviously care about the animal more than your DH cares about his sister. His reason for visiting is to placate SD, not to help his sister.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 05/16/2019 - 10:34am

Now he’s going to face the wrath of SD. It will not be pretty. 

It must be such a turn off seeing your H belittling himself because he's going to face his daughters wrath. I'd be d@mned if I ever felt that way by my own kid.