4 adult step daughters
They're awful. I am 15 years younger than husband. I am 33 he is 48. We are both divorced. I have 7 & 8 year old girls. Now, DH (dear husband) and I have 2 year old son. His daughters are close with their mother except for two of them. She is bitter and angry. I am certain she probably has justification, but enough time has passed that I kind of feel like MOVE ON from your anger.
She is remarried. That said, she has gained probably 50LBS, bad health, etc and now has to work. My husband makes a lot of money and I recently stopped working for our construction company bc my three children keep me very busy and I've just finished a novel and it is about to be picked up by agent. ALL OF THAT SAID- a bit of history: DH was pushover. Did not have wonderful relationship with bio mom. Married at 20, small town. Grew apart bc they are two polar opposites. I was in love immediately once we met. We have been inseperable since meeting 6 years ago. We have now been married for 3 years.
Early on in our relationship we had some drama bc we were going out, and probably hadn;t healed from our past marriages. Now we are solid. But it's our little family of 5... His oldest has a one year old and is pregnant with her second. I know for a fact she cannot accept that he has a new baby (our 2YO son). She makes snide remarks to my husband about "you're the weirdo dad with 2 families".. As if it's uncommon. I come from divorce and yet, my parents are very close, my mom remarried. My parents were each others second marriage. I love my Step dad... I am close with my ex husbands wife. LOVE HER TO PIECES. So I cannot understand this hateful, bitter world that my husbadn comes from.
I know that he was ALWAYS available for his kids and now, I take up all of his time and so do our three children. Is this common?
Last summer, all four step daughters were over ALL THE TIME- swimming, hanging out, grilling... we were all COOL! FRIENDS, even!
In November, my father in law was diagnosed with cancer and died shortly after. Around that time things got sticky with the step daughters. They started acting weird and then Dec I showed up for my other SD wedding rehearsal only to find out that I was EXCLUDED from family LIST, as were my two young daughters. It was VERY hurtful. My husband cried. We are both very sensitive people with very open hearts. I came into this expecting us all to be one happy familu... NOW, I am blocked from 3/4 SDs on both social media and cell phones. And WHY?????? I literally don't know.
I will say that in February, after they were SOOOOOO hateful for months, I finally stood up for myself. I said "I don't know what's going on, but we can talk about it, or you can leave, but you will NOT come into MY house and treat me like this."
So they didn't come back. Now, as of about a month ago, 3/4 come around but won't unblock me and literally say "I am uncomfortable with her being able to contact me."
So I told her that "I am sure she can understand then that I am uncomfortable with her being in my house."
NOW- I have a very mentally ill and drug addicted sister who found out last week she is six months pregnant. I had lent the oldest SD maternity clothes two years ago. Since I am blocked, I reached out to the only SD who comes around and asked her if her sister wasn't wearing all of the clothes (since her pregnancies are in different seasons now), if I could use some for my little sister.
So this hateful woman (28 years old oldest SD) drives over to our house and leaves A GIANT PILE in our driveway of EVERYTHING we have every bought her or her daughter. Memory board I MADE her, angel wings I spend hours gluing Swaroski crystals on, a rhinestone keepsake baby crown, clothes, TOYS, etc.
My husband cried. COULD NOT BELIEVE the hatred. We think it stems from EX WIFE... But I also think the oldest's problem is that he doesn't spend time with her baby (his grand baby) bc he is obsessed with OUR BABY.
I think there's just SO much history it's hard to effectively communicate it all on a forum but I'm trying. I've spent many hours and days crying and stressed out and on Xanax due to the hurt and stress these daughters have caused our marriage. I JUST DON'T GET IT.
I JUST FOUND THIS FORUM! OMG!
Also, I should add that the oldest didn't talk to her dad for two years PRIOR to me coming into the picture. I didn't meet her for TWO YEARS! I did take it personally bc most people love me! I love everyone! I just can't relate to all of this anger and bitterness!! SOMEONE PLZ TELL ME I'M JUSTIFIED IN LITERALLY WANTING TO PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE! Because I don't understand this.
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Comments
You are not crazy. Look up
You are not crazy. Look up the adult steps forum if you haven't already. Take advice with a grain of salt, you're to hear harsh reality sometimes, but this site is a lifesaver.
You are not wrong to feel this way
There is some difinate jealousy issues with your adult SDs. Its them that have the issues. Their dad could be married to anyone and they would behave this way. Its not you personally, but I understand how you take it personally, I would too and I have.
I have the similar issues with my skid24 . He hates me for no reason other then his own insecurities and his jealousy.
He tells his dad things like "new wife, new life", "enjoy your new wife", enjoy your new family". We dont even have kids together nor are we planning too. If me and DH had kids together I'm sure skid would have went off the deep end much worse and sooner then he did. I have been in skid's life for 1/3 of it so it's not like it's really new. Also his dad and mom were divorced when he was 4 years old.
He has very recently told his dad not to contact him after moving out in a tantrum, saying the most hateful things to his dad. My DH does not want to talk to him is beyond mad and hurt right now. I dont know if they will ever make amends however I will no longer have a relationship with skid. He burnt the last bridge and I am not willing to rebuild it.
Just know you are not alone. So many of us have similar stories.
These women were primed and
These women were primed and weaponized to hate any woman who came into their father's life, and him having a child with you just gave them more to resent.
You're right that the poison often comes from the BM, and things have probably been simmering just under the surface for some time. It's not unusual for a family death to cause things to come to a head, but the dysfunction was probably there loong before. This happened when my own FIL died. While he lived, the dysfunction was there, but the female family members played nice; afterwards, the misbehavior escalated and became more overt. The same thing happened with a poster named Disillusioned; her FIL died, and her SDs and their aunt ramped up their cruel, bullying games. Check out her posts in the Adult Skid forum.
Relational Agression is unfortunately common in step life, and it sounds as if your H's daughters have banded together against their father and his new marriage. He needs to draw strong boundaries with them, and keep their toxicity away from you and your home.
Anyone who is not a friend to your marriage should not be invited into your life, IMO. Hopefully you and your H will go No Contact with these women for a while. Don't chase them, don't reward bad behavior, and let them marinate in their own toxic juices. Consider going to counseling (couples and/or individual) to gain tools and coping strategies, because with four of them, someone will always be trying to cause trouble or drive a wedge between your DH and you. And let's not even get started on the money issues. You've swooped in and snapped up their ATM, I mean daddee, but they'll still expect a piece of the pie.
Sd can’t expect her dad to dote on her kid
Just like your dad does for his bio children. The relationships are different the love you have for your kids and grandkids, while you love and maybe care for them, its a separate kind of relationship.
Your husband was with you in your pregnancy and the birth, he wasn’t active during sd pregnancy and childbirth so she’s unrealistic to expect he dote on her kids when he’s hands on with his bio kids who live with him fulltime
I don't know what you've
I don't know what you've tried, but the clothes in the driveway offers you a chance to make a point, if you want to.
What if you asked that SD why on earth she'd dump everything like that? You could say, very sweetly and kindly, "I gave you the clothes because I wanted to help you out. What did I do to deserve that reaction from you?" Of course, she will have no good answer to that because there is no excuse for that behavior, but it will put her on the spot to either open up and tell you what her gripe is or she'll pass it off and then you'll know there's nothing to work with and it's time to disengage.
As long as no one is talking, you are going nowhere. Because you aren't sure of the source of the discord, maybe try tackling it with one daughter and see what you get back. The problem with there being so many of them is the negative synergy they get from each other. So tackle one at a time.
When you have an episode that is so egregious (like the clothes dumping), that's an opportunity to play the victim and ask WHY? If that SD is at all human, she might feel some shame, she might realize she acted rashly and she might regret it if confronted. Remember that you passed along the message about the clothes through another SD, so you have no idea how that message was presented, so don't be too hard on the SD who dumped the clothes. By asking why she did it, you might learn the message was changed to be very ugly and that's what infuriated her. But you need to clear that up and only deal with the SDs one on one, even if it's awkward. I suggest all communication in writing just so you have your proof if something comes up.
If you're asking the bigger philosophical question of why they hate you, well, I can't help you there. I am hated too by my SD. After all these years, I feel my SD probably is angry at her mom and dad, but when I came along, it was easier to hate me than either of them, so that's how it is. There are some situations you just can't fix.
And I should mention that I
And I should mention that I groaned outloud when I saw your heading, "4 adult stepdaughters." I cannot imagine having three more like the one I have. You are a warrior!
Same. I groaned too. I have
Same. I groaned too. I have one, and that is one too many for me.
I feel for you!
I have two not four!! I can’t imagine, mine are jealous of their yourngest half siblings and the time their dad spends with us. They are 28 and 30 years old.
Everything is always my fault, always has been. My husband takes their side more often than not. So I’m thankful that your husband seems sensitive enough to see that they are being hurtful. My husband thinks I’m complaining for no reason. I wasn’t asked to be in one wedding photo. But when ever there is a mess to clean up I’m the one for the job.
My oldest SD just married a registered sex offender. I’m supposed to believe he was set up on all charges though. Christmas Day I heard him ask my 11 year old when she was going to come over and play video games with him. I put my foot down and will no longer have my children around him at all. So now, my stepdaughter hates me, my mother in law hates me and my husband thinks I am over reacting. I researched the dude. He is 20 years older than step daughter been married a total of five times and has multiple arrests and is a convicted sex offender. But I’m the bad guy for getting upset that he invited my daughter over. They say it meant nothing. Gggggrrrrr I am so sorry you are dealing with being bullied by your step daughters. It’s such a hard thing. My heart goes out to everyone