Has he said that she'll always have a tender spot in his heart?  Because I can assure you having kids with someone doesn't guarantee any kind of loving feelings between bio parents at all whatsoever.

My DH feels nothing for his ex, his love for his kids has nothing to do with her at all.  My colleague feels the same about her ex as well. She stays in contact for the kids sake, and loves her kids for who they are, her love for her kids is totally & completely separate from how she feels about her ex.

As for the fact that he used to love her & tried building a life together, do you not have a past with any other man?  I know the fact that your artner has a child with his ex makes his past harder to ignore & forget, but you need to remind yoruself that you've had romantic feelings for others as well. 

Any time I start going down the destructive path of overthinking my husband's past with BM I like to remind myself of my own history, and what makes me feel better is thinking of the hottest, steamiest times I've had with men from my past.  I don't carry a torch for any of them, but it reminds me that DH isn't the only one with a past, and I'm sure thinking of me being intimate with other men wouldn't be nice for him either so it works for me lol.

I think we’d need to know more about how your partner and ex- interact.  I can’t speak for others, but even though I have no love for my husband’s ex- and despite knowing that she cheated on him prior to their divorce and me entering the picture, I’ve never really held it against her that much.  My DH does.  What pisses me off most is when my DH acts like a coward around her or, worse yet, kind’a pushes me off to the side whenever he is around her and/ or their children together, and that's on him.  For example most recently when we were all at a family event together and his ex- tried to sit inbetween us. . . thank God my DH said No (he is finally starting to learn).

Very few exes anything would have the odacity to come up and try to sit between a known husband and wife, via just asking permission from one of them but this is something BMs try to do in one way or another all the time--usually without even asking anyone's permission--they'll just literally move on it and take over the wife role.  If BM somehow thinks she is entitled to do so either because of control issues or because our society lets BMs get away with this sort of crap all the time, I can't control that.  But, if my own DH is going to play into that or encourage such by go along with it, then that is HIS problem and there IS something I can do about it.

I’m sure you have examples of how they interact.  You can’t do anything at all about baby mamma being in the picture on some sort of level with your partner, but that level should be as parents only and never as:  Here’s a couple!  You and your partner are the couple now.  But, there are some women out there who just have to be first with everything with their partner or else.  In those cases, they need to just accept that and not date, live with or marry men with children.  You can’t make someone a virgin again, and you can’t make a man with children childless.

Try to remember it is a good thing that he will always care for her. Caring for the well being of your child’s bio parent is a positive because it indicates a positive relationship for one. Your life would be hell if they hated each other. Another is that if you two eventually split wouldn’t you hope to have that? 

Now that doesn’t mean i don’t get where you are coming from. My husband has a mentality with his ex of “well that’s just how she is” as though it doesn’t bother him. Likely it does but he knows there isn’t anything he can do to change her, but it drives me mad. I think “no you don’t just accept someone being a shit human being”. It enrages me. Maybe it makes me mad because he seems to have this same mentality with his son while I’m thinking he should be correcting his bad behavior. 

It is always some level of difficult to be with someone who already has a child for a lot of different reasons and one of those is often that they shared something so big and you haven’t. 

Perhaps just hearing that even though the feelings you have aren’t productive they are not wrong and somewhat common. Sending a hug. 

How did their relationship end? Who ended it? I can better give advice one I know that.

Maybe the root of anger and annoyance is that I deliberately saved my womb for the right man just to be inundated with lifelong complexities and grapples from his past decision 

Maybe he's not the right man. Between this and your other posts, I don't think this is the relationship for you.

I think overall it's an often normal knee-jerk reaction about the ex. DH for the most part hates his ex but at the end of the day they were at point married and share a child. That means she will always be a part of our lives in one way or another. 

But as others have said, we've all likely had prior romantic feelings for someone else. It's just the difference is we probably don't regularly interact with those people anymore because we don't share a child. 

What is your relationship with his ex? Is there any interaction? Sometimes interacting can humanize the ex. It doesn't mean you have to like her, but it might shift your perspective. 

I am childless (not by choice) and have been trying hard not to "fall down that rabbit hole". Toxic Troll and my sweet SD munchkin sd12 look VERY much alike, even though DH is asian and she is white. So, everytime I look at her, I try to see HER. Not the mother.

I despise the mother. Its a conflict that I have been working through. DH doesnt like BM, tolerates her for the sake of kiddo. There are times I feel the disgust that he had shared something with this person who is so gross. trashy and Ill say it now - stupid. But thats in my head, just like all the comparisons. Its taken time and me finding a better way to deal with all the emotions. "just put love on it". When I feel those waves of disgust and hatred, Ive been refocusing on the love I have for my DH.

And when Munchkin SD12 comes to our place, after waving and smiling at mom at drop off, I feel a sting deep down. Its just another reminder of what I will never have. Something I have had to make peace with.

Leilene your feelings towards this child and BM are deep. I don't have much to offer but for you to seek therapy on your "emotions" regarding them and how you can accept and live with them if you choose to remain with your partner. Does he have any idea how intense your feelings are when it comes to his child & BM?

If you were my partner and I knew how you felt there would be no way on this earth I can be in a relationship with you. I'd be scared for my child and his mother. I hope you get some help in navigating through your feelings and that you find some peace.

It literally disgusts me to think that my DH has sex with BM so I have learned not to think about it. I know he despises her and I respect him that much more that he loves their son. He puts up with bm’s bs because he is a good dad and won’t leave. Some times you have to look at things logically and not emotionally which is hard for us women. He is with you now so let go of the past and respect that he is a good man. If he is still affectionate with BM then I would suggest ending it but if he is mature enough to coparent respectfully then good for him.

OP,  I completely empathize with your position. I am in a similar position, and it is pure psychological hell trying to deal with it.   The sad thing is, I quite like my boyfriend’s daughter. She and I get along great, and, when I look at her through the lens that I’d use with any other of my friends’ kids, she’s wonderful.   However, the reality is always looming, like a big evil monkey always on my back… She is the product of my boyfriend (love of my life so far), and the woman he chose to marry (after breaking up with me) over me 15 years ago.  My bf wanted a baby with this woman (his wife) more than anything,  and says that finding out she was pregnant with his first child (she already had a child from a previous marriage) was the most exciting moment of his life.  To say it hurts is an understatement.   I struggle with it every day.   It hurts because I think in the back of my mind, “that should have been me.“.   I think he would have a baby with me also, but he is certainly not super excited about it like he was when his wife got pregnant, and I think it would be more because he loves me and wants me to have that fulfillment, as he already feels fulfilled with his one child from the ex-wife.  As much as I yearn for a baby with him, I just don’t think I could do it knowing that “our” baby was already destined to play reluctantly-conceived second fiddle to his excitedly-conceived first daughter with his first wife.  And the thing is,objectively speaking, I’m the much better option for him to reproduce with (better looking [not to be very, just objective], healthier both genetically and how I care for myself, etc.)  I cannot fathom WHY he wanted to produce a child with this particular unremarkable woman, and it festers in me every day.

And yes, I abhor her (the ex-wife’s) presence in my life.  I feel sick with pain and jealousy and insecurities every time my bf talks to her, has to drop off his daughter with her, etc.  Bad enough that he loved her so much when I was so disposable back in the day, but now that we are back together, I can never forget about her because she is always there. Just a text message away, at all times. Forever tied to him because of the daughter he excitedly conceived with her, while I’m offered a dutiful “maybe, if you really want it that badly, we can have a baby together, because I love you.”

And he doesn’t see the issue with this. He constantly gets angry and frustrated with my sadness and insecurity and tells me to “live in the present, look forward to the future” and stop “ruminating about his past.”  Kind of hard to live in the present with these constant reminders of the life he chose with her over me.

How does the ex treat you?  And how does she act when you are all at the same event?  Or do you go to the same events?  

It must be difficult to deal with a situation like that... But I commend you for leaving it.  It must be very difficult to leave someone you cared about but really,  pat yourself on the back for knowing what was right for you.  No matter what advice you receive you were able to listen to the voice inside you telling you what you could and couldn't deal with and that is HUGE!! 

Also as hard as it may be, in those moments that you miss him ask yourself what was his reaction when you left?  and what was he willing to do to make you stay? That should tell you that you made the right decision.  I am sorry that you are hurting... I think you saved yourself a lot of heart ache and gave yourself a chance to find the right person for you.

My Best to you!!!  

Time to let go. . . and see your therapist.  I commend your attempt to make sense of it all.  But, remember "It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people; to focus your energies on answers - not excuses."  

Reality is, some men and women just can't handle not being someone's "first."  I'm putting no value judgement on that; I'm just saying that if that is the case, you need to accept that and move on.  End the relationship and/ or don't get involved with a man with children.  This is the much better choice than to forever have resentment on the side because you were not someone's first.  You are much better off alone, than spending a lifetime in arelationship where you feel like sloppy seconds.  

Most of the SMs here, CAN accept not being someone's first;.  What most have the issue with here is society as a whole marginalizing SMs to the point that even our own DHs drink the Koolaid sometimes. So, we come here to share and vent.  Most of us start out coming here wondering what went wrong or in shock or feeling like sloppy seconds and looking for answers.  I've been on this site quite a while.  It just seems to me, and it takes time, that once the SMs here accept that, no matter how bad, they cannot control BM's or the SKs' thought processes, AND they start to focus on what they can control--themselves, their own DH and the role he plays in enabling, specifically--that there is some type of movement toward getting through the stages of grieveing the rerlationship or marriage you thought you had and finally getting to that last stage of acceptance.

It is only once you get to that last stage of acceptance that you may realize it is what it is and disengage; or, you may realize that your DH and his enabling is too large of an issue and decide to leave.  I think there is not one SM here that eventually found peace going on and on about be.atch BM or horrible SKs.  For me, it helped too to realize that our society as a whole has little problem blaming SMs for what are really divorce/ family issues that she had little to no role in.  Our society accepts divorce, but doesn't want to OR doesn't know how to accept remarriage.  Our society auto. sees all BMs as being saints, regardless.  Many are, to a degree, but some are not, by any means.  The list goes on, but you cannot change a society's attitude in just a couple of years.  That takes time, and meanwhile as a SM, you have to deal with the reality at hand.

I'd suggest for both you and Tessa that you look closer to home for your answers.  Look at yourself, which you are starting to do, AND look at your DH.  Does your DH really deserve to be put on the pedestal you are putting him on?  More than likely, not.  To me, men in general tend to do whatever and expect their woman to follow, and I think this gets exemplified in SM relationships.  Some outsiders get the idea that SMs are controlling hos just for wanting a near-normal marriage, but in reality many SMs do have to remind their SOs and husbands that they expect a 1:1 relationship with their man vs. a 3-way relationship that includes BM and/or the occasional mini-wife.  No women in the year 2019 expects nor should have to put up with a 3-way.  At the end of the day, that is probably going to be the decision you are faced with:  Do you want a 3-way relationship or marriage or not?  If not, then what can YOU do about that?  You can disengage on some level, have a 'coming to Jesus' moment with DH, or leave.  That is pretty much it. 

I understand that it is difficult thinking about his past, but the reality is he has one and you can’t change that.

You are directing your anger at his ex and saying she got pregnant to “trap him” in their dead end relationship”.... is that what he tells you?? Or is that assumption?  He willingly had a child with her it isn’t like she did this on her own.  She could be saying the same things to guys she dates now.  A lot of people say things like that after a relationship fails to justify why it happened in the first place and not to make themselves look stupid, or weak.... or he could be saying it to make you feel better and like him. 

It isn’t the mom’s “fault” she doesn’t know you and she didn’t have her child to spite your future existence.  If she didn’t exist he could have met someone else and been married, or in the exact same situation- you have no idea. 

He isn’t the right one for you, and I don’t think any guy with a kid would be.  And luckily there are tons out there who don’t have kids.  When you get in a relationship both the person AND the situation have to be right for you.... so don’t go back, just keep looking.   Put your energy into finding “THE right one” instead of hating on his ex and you will be doing yourself a great favour.