Look, I have told you my family's story.

My mom= Adopted from orphanage

My Uncle= Adopted from foster care

Me= Stepdad adopted me

Adoption is all over my family and we are all as "real" as a family can get. My dad (my stepdad) is my only dad. He is my kids Papa. He is the one who walked me down the aisle, scared high school boyfriends, was rushing to my side locked and loaded when my exhusband decided that it was cool to hit me. 

You are going to be a wonderful mother, don't let anyone take your joy!

I have three adopted nieces, one of whom has an open adoption. She is 17, and she knows her bio family well - but still, her adoptive parents are her "real parents".  She calls the other family "her bios".   

She was adopted at birth, but even so, your soon-to-be son doesn't really know his bio mother.  Just be prepared for some possible angst about her absence, though not all adopted kids care what happened to their bio parent. 

I actually give BM credit for signing off and allowing you to be his mother if she can't do it. That takes courage. 

IMO, it is an adult who loves, care for, and raises a child - regardless of a biological connection.

My parents were foster parents. My foster sisters came from an abusive home (mental/physical/sexual). They lived with us for almost 5 years until an aunt was able to "take them in". They often came back home to visits the parents. And by home I mean the home we grew up in. They still called my parents Mom and Dad and my siblings and I still considered them to be our sisters until they passed away. The oldest was sexually molested by the bio-father. He tracked her down. That was one of the most gawdawful funerals I have ever had to attend. The youngest, well, that death really screwed her up and she got involved with drugs and overdosed. They're buried locally and I visit their gravesites.

Because of the love and PARENTING that my parents gave to non-biological children (children all over the neighborhood called my mother 'Momma Kay'), my siblings and I realized that the capacity to love a child and be a parent is not limited to genetics. I have 4 adopted nieces and nephews. All of them came from very bad origins (abandonment, abuse, drugs...) 2 are now adults who each have 2 children.

One of my nephews married a woman with 3 children. He was previously married and has a child. All of their kids are now adults and they are a beautifully blended family. Two of his steps have toddlers and he is a very proud Pawpaw.

My DH raised (is raising) 2 skids. He IS Dad.

I raised 3 skids, who are all adults and each have 1 child. My skids call me Mom. Their children call me Grandma Aniki.

I read the prior post and it appears that wildstang said that being a 'real parent' will knock off your rose colored glasses.  

I think her comments are blunt but in all honesty not that far off base in a situation like yours.

In your situation...you and your dh may not be parents of equal footing per se.  If you split in the future (unfortunately more likely than him dropping dead) your dh and even YOU might regret this rush to codify your status.  You could be subject to cs. Your dh could end up as a ncp  for his bio child while he pays cs to a non bio adopter.  

I think that your desire to have an 'ownership' stake in the boy was more a driver than any real benefit to the child. You want his family to butt out..period. you want the respect factor but that paper isn't going to provide that validation from them.  I dont necessarily think you have to wait till 18... but I think you probably would have been good to wait...if only for the financial situation you guys are in...cant afford therapy etc...

But..you are moving forward and I hope it works the way you hope it will.  But keep in mind your dh still has his family and this piece of paper is not your permission slip to tell them to f off.  You dont need to turn them into enemies.

REAL... in regards to parenting is entirely relative to taking the actions of parenting and does not necessarily have anything to do with biology.  Who spawned the kid(s) really doesn't matter.  Beyond basic support, those who take the actions of being an example, mentor, advocate, confidante and disciplinarian, on the balance sheet, are the REAL parents.

Fortunately for most kids, their bioparents are REAL parents.  Some kids who lost the parent lottery are fortunate enough to have other adults in their lives who are their REAL parents.  Step Parents, Grand Parents, Adoptive Parents, Foster Parents, etc....

IMHO people who breed and do not keep their shit together to provide adequately for their children, are not examples of a quality adult nor are they a REAL parent.   These failed individuals do not mentor, do not advocate for their children, do not act as their child's confidante, and do not effectively hold their children to reasonable standards of behavior and performance with appropriate discipline.  They are not parents at all. Much less a REAL parent.

You can see failed parents just about anywhere in public these days.  They are the ones with screaming banshee toxic spawn that disrupt others while in public, they are the ones who expose the public to dirty, smelly kids with forlorn looks on their faces, they are the ones who worship their children without the child performing to a level worthy of parental adoration, etc.......

While I have zero tolerance for toxic children, that they exist breaks my heart.  Their parents need to be shredded.  But sadly, there is no license required to breed so there will be no cessation of children who are victims of people who have no business having children in the first place.

We navigated this topic in our family periodically due to toxic manipulative crap from SpermGrandHag.  My bride and I met when SS-26 was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.   He always had a relationship with his SpermClan and for the most part he had regular visitation with them.   There were a few extended pariods where they declined visitation because they claimed to not being able to afford their half of visitation travel costs.  On all of those occassions when it had been too long we paid their half.  Though ideally they should not have had any visitation (they are toxic toothless morons) it was not fair to our son for them to not step up on their visitaiton so we made sure he saw them.

He returned from a visitation when he was about 7-8yo expounding that SpermGrandHag had told him I was not his REAL dad and that I was only his StepDad.  He was very upset about this. We never kept it a secret that I was his StepDad, that his BioDad made him with his mom, etc....    It really upset him that his SpermGrandHag had harped on me not being his REAL dad for several weeks during visitation.  

In short, we reviewed that a BioDad is the dad that made him with his mom, a StepDad is the dad that is married to his mom and that a REAL dad is the dad that goes to work every day to make sure that he has a nice safe home to live in, a safe neighborhood, good schools, save cars to ride in, teaches him to use the toilet, tie his shoes,ride bike, to read, to write, reads him bed time stories, coaches his sports teams and loves he and his mom very much.

He commented then that a StepDad sounds like a REAL dad to him.

A couple of  years later he came home from visitatiom with more toxic SpermGrandHag crap that she had gotten on him about calling me "Dad" since I was not his dad and only his StepDad.  I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy).  He started that when his mom and I were dating.  His choice. No one told him to or forced him to.  He always referred to BioDad as "Daddy (Firstname)".

When he returned from SpermLand visitation upset over the latest SpermGrandHag toxic crap we talked about it.  I do not allow children to address me by my first name. It is Yes/No sir and Mr. Lastname.  Period.  My neices and nephews refer to me as Uncle "Firstname".  So, I told him that if "Dad" was no longer what he would call me he could call me "Mr. Lastname".  His choice.  He decided to stick with Dad.

Kids will always want their BioParents to be their REAL parents. And BPs should step up and be REAL parents.   But... kids are also smart.  They know who has their best interests at heart.  As adults we absolutely should deliver on being REAL parents particularly if we are their BPs.  If we are SPs or some other flavor of parent and the BPs are failures as people and parents, kids can still have REAL parents when quality adults of character take the actions and responsibility as REAL parents and step up.

All IMHO of course.