My DH has sole custody, BM is a train wreak (but according to her since she has her other 2 kids by the other 2 dads shes not a baby momma) she doesn't provide for ss at all, no job, no license no car and lives with whoever she hasn't pissed off this week. (16 moves in 4 years, 3 in the last 2 months). I am a very hands off SM, he is not my kid, he has 2 parents (even if one sucks). I make sure he has food, clothes roof over his head, medical care and counseling. I encourage him to read books and take him to the library  and support his dads punishments when he is in trouble but rarely punish myself except a time out and wait for his dad to determine if more is needed. I ask about his day at school and other things he does. I don't have an emotional connection to him, idk why I just never have, but I care about his wellbeing. 

So the point, my son, my youngest turns 18 in 2 months and 10 days. He is not going to graduate on time and has given up because of that. He has been taking a first responders class enjoys it and is doing well. He wants to get his GED and his EMT and I'm okay with that. Yesterday he informed me he is moving out the weekend after his 18th birthday and moving in with his sister (that will be interesting) she has 2 littles, and her fiance as well. 

It just hit me I have spent 23 years raising kids, 5 as a single mom and the last 4 just my son (and DH has been there to help of course so I dont consider that single parenting). It hit me today that I won't have a child in my home anymore that I have a real connection with and it saddens me to see my youngest go be an adult(I tried to prepare him best I could for adult like but he is so damn lazy!). I guess in the back of my mind I've known this and I keep talking about selling my house to my daughter and going back to school full time, and travel and a lot of stuff I've always wanted to do, but couldn't because of kids. It hurts DH I think because honestly its selfish its about me, and what I want, the goals ive wanted for years and DH and SS make that complicated super complicated due to needing to relocate and not have the income I do now I can take care of myself but not a family. I'm angry that I spent my 20's giving up everything I dreamed of for an abusive Ex husband and I'm mad I may have to again for a kid I don't love. At least sacrificing for my own kids felt right. I feel like an asshole that I won't sacrifice for my SS but I'm 44 yrs old if I dont do what I need to now then when? Can you have an empty nest with a stepkid? Idk what I'm wanting out of writing this, just struggling with a lot of feelings, I'm not happy at home I work extra to avoid being home where I'm constantly upset that the house is a disaster no one but me goes to the grocery store or makes sure dinner is done at a decent hour or anything the family needs done its constantly having to ask for weeks. I just want to sell my house, go back to school finish my bachelor's and apply to my masters programs so I can fulfill my dreams finally and I feel like an asshole for it.