Welcome to the forum. I must say I don't blame you for being frustrated. I'm sure you will find the humor in this but there is no way I'd be raising another man's kids if my wife didn't B me a few times in a while. I'm only halfway joking. lol. Sorry if that is crude. In all honesty I'm sure she had no reservations about pleasing her ex whom's kids she is now stuck with raising by herself. Don't let them become your problem. My advice is to stay single (meaning not married or cohabitating) and keep your options open. She might be using you. You may love this woman but once her kids are teenagers there are going to be problems because of how they are being raised now. I've seen it many times. She is setting a poor foundation as far as parenting is concerned. Do you really want to sell your home and be stuck raising teenagers who will have major problems who are not even yours? All the while never getting laid and contributing your income to this mess? As far as her mother is concerned she can go fly a kite. Not her life, not her place. She needs to stay out of it. Her mother does not have your best interests at all.

I think you need to ask yourself where you see this relationship going. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want to move in together after 3 years but I also understand you not wanting to live with little kids - they ARE exhausting, like you said.

Just understand the kids are not going anywhere, so if you want to be with her you need to be ok with that (that means living together eventually). You do NOT need to make them your number one priority like the mother suggested - that is their bio parent's job, not yours. I would never expect another man to raise my kids who weren't his bios.

The kid's behavior sounds pretty normal for kids in this situation, a lot of single parents "guilty parent" by letting the kids do whatever they want and essentially run the show. Does not mean it's ok or acceptable, just that I have seen it a LOT on this forum and in my own life with my SD.

The sex, eh, she's a single mother of 2 little kids, she's probably exhausted. You said yourself the kids are exhausting and you don't even live with them!

Well no you don’t always go to the doctor if you are sick. I’ve stayed home with cramps, a headache, bad tummy (today). Was i supposed to go to the doctor so they could do nothing? But that’s the least of the problem, and no they shouldn’t stay home anytime they ask, it should obviously be if they are actually sick. 

Again, least of the problems. Read through this website. It should scare you. It’s horrible. My advice, and many, a lot of peoples on here, do NOT be with someone with kids. It’s horrible. The problems you have now will ruin your life if you marry her. The annoyances will continue and you don’t get to do or say shit and so help you if you do. The dynamic will change once you are married and living together. New person in their home, mom and dad for sure never getting back together (kids hold out this hope even if you don’t see it), someone new telling them what to do, teenage years... It will get worse and worse. Your relationship will be hell, you’ll argue over her lack of parenting, her resenting you for wanting some discipline, all of it.

As someone who is about to get divorced over the kid, don’t do it. 

You want one type of relationship and she wants another. Honestly, having her and her mother pressure you to take the next step makes me think that they are looking for your GF's "better husband/new daddy".

I wouldn't want to wait 3 years to live with someone, but I also think if I *really* wanted to live with someone that I would try my hardest to make living with me seem like there was a benefit. I'd punish poor behavior in my kids. I'd send them to school when they were fine and be the one to take time off if they actually were ill. I'd want a new home and expect to put in half. I'd have sex.

The sex issue alone would have me pumping the brakes on this relationship. Sex is what makes an intimate relationship different from a friendship or other relationship type. A bad sex life is only going to cause resentment. If that is sub-par when things are easiest, it's not going to get better when things are harder.

Basically, don't settle for something you don't want. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are giving up more than what you are gaining. I'm not seeing a lot of gain out of this relationship for YOU except companionship, which can be found elsewhere or bought for the right price without the baggage.

If there are things your GF can do to make you feel more comfortable living together and maybe, eventually, get married, then lay it all out there. If there isn't anything she can do, then speak up loudly that the status quo is the status quo. If she doesn't like it, she is free to move on to find a new partner.

You're not being unreasonable. You expect kids to be respectful. You expect to have equal say to your partner, not be overruled by the kids on everyday decisions like what's for dinner and what's playing on the television. You expect a good sex life. You expect your GF to not spend every vacation day on staying home with her kids when they aren't sick, or leaving them with you when she is out of time. All of that is perfectly reasonable stuff to want.

So, if you like the status quo, keep the status quo. No need to change just because she thinks she deserves better without putting in the work to have better.

Dear god, don't get married or move in.  Everything will get much worse if you do.  What are you getting out of this relationship? Not sex, obviously. 

Find another woman - this isn't the one for you.

I would strongly encourage you to walk away. And I am not one to say run. But, trust me, you have an uphill battle ahead of you. Your SO isn't open to your opinions. All of these concerns you have will get worse if and when you move in together because now you will be with the skids constantly. It will only get worse, not better. Resentment will build, and unless you are a saint you will not be able to sit quietly by while skids control the house.

Honestly, my advice to people in a step-role would be to only move in if your SO has proved that they value your opinion and are open to adjustments when it comes to parenting. I moved in fairly quickly, before I even realized what possible issues could come up. I wish I had known some of these things prior. Luckily, my SO has been open to my opinions (after a fight. Always after a fight first, which is a whole other issue), and has made changes, which is literally the only thing that has kept me around, aside from loving him. It doesn't sound like your GF is open to it at all.

That being said, if for some reason you decide to move forward and move in together, address all of your concerns before hand. In fact, I would address it all now, and her reaction to the conversation may give you the clarity you need. If she seems open to your opinion, you may have a shot. If she shuts you down and there is no compromise, can you really live with that? I couldn't.

Side note- I bet a rule of "If you stay home sick, you are not allowed to play video games" will help to shut down the fake sick days...

Welcome to StepTalk. It's great that you found your way here! We even have a separate forum for Step or Bio Dads, so check it out.

I think you've been a very smart cookie about your relationship. You've kept your own place and autonomy. You recognize that your girlfriend isn't parenting her kids particularly well, and that you don't enjoy being around them all that much. You say you love her, but your sex life is really lacking and her mother is an annoyance. She also has poor boundaries with her ex, so overall there's a number of things about this woman that frustrate you.

Dating is all about getting to know a person better and evaluating whether the two of you are compatible enough to take things to the next level. Sooo, I'm wondering why you've stayed with this woman long after you've discovered that you aren't compatible? She has considerable baggage that isn't going to go away - ever. Is it just comfortable, routine, or easier than jumping back into the dating game? 

You've spent three years on this research project. Maybe it's time to let her go, so each of you can move on and find someone who's a better fit.

I lived in a sexless marriage for years. I do not recommend it. If you are not having sex now, before you've even moved in together, then I'd be seriously worried about the level of sex after making a big commitment. Just no. 

We've been moving my boyfriend's stuff out of his flat and into storage or my house. His BPD ex is going into meltdown right now and I am super stressed about work. We have sex once or twice a day and occasionally don't have sex maybe once a week. Sometimes we don't have sex twice a week if one or both of us is sick on top of everything else including kid stuff. While I will acknowledge that maybe we have more sex than an average couple two years into a relationship, I only say this to say being tired isn't a reason not to have sex for weeks on end - unless there's something wrong with someone. 

bring to the board betters her sitaution. I'd get out while you can, there are always more fish in the sea. 

I enjoy finally reading a story on this site that doesn't make me want to somehow reach into my iPad and shake the OP while yelling: What the hell were you thinking to have a kid with this person?!... Or leaves me wondering whether the whole thing is made up because it's so ridiculous. 

You've played this exactly as you should and sound really sensible about everything. Seriously, good job keeping your own place, not procreating with her and staying observant about the red flags. Now do the fair thing and cut it off. I was in your spot... the child-free, baggage-less GF thinking that I could somehow make it work with a guy with a divorce and a kid. We were looking for different relationships, which I think is obviously the case in most of these situations. The single parent wants stability and companionship and the person in our situation wants more, including some passion. I always felt like I was getting a beaten-down version of the guy I was dating. Better to be alone and available to meet the right person; relationships are too much work when they're not right. Just don't string her along if deep down you know this isn't the person for you.

This is the best it’s going to be in this relationship.  Once the kids see there there parents are not going to get back together.  It’s going to be war.  Having the EX coming to the house gives the kids hope of getting old family back together. 

First you need a major talk with GF about, her relationship with her EX,  how she parents her kids and her mother.  How financial thing are going to work.  If you are going to have kids together. And your sex life.  

Second. Do you go away alone for a weekend, or a weeks vacation.  BF can take care of the kids.  Do you go out on date nights ?    Personally I would run. It very rarely really works out 

Although I can understand someone wanting marriage after 3 years I can also understand someone wanting the idea of marrying them to feel like something they would enjoy. It would help if she would parent her kids appropriately and teach them manners consistantly. It would also help if her kids acted better and she would set better boundaries with her ex, her mother, etc.. It would also help if you two had a better physical connection. Does she want you to sell your home and move in with her? If so, I don't think this is fair to you.  You both should compromise, not just you. Has she considered you look for and buy a home together that works for the two of you, not just her and her kids, her ex? She seems selfish and also seems to lack parental discipline/boundaires and that is very likely why the idea of marrying her is not appealing. I would definitely hold off on this one if that is the case.

You sound like a good catch.  Be careful not to impregnate this woman.  If it is this bad now, it will only get worse.  If she expects marriage with you, and you don't, you should be honest with her.

She should make a rule that there are no video games allowed on sick days.

lol. Fast!

In all seriousness, things tend to get worse over time given what you have described. The lack of parenting is atocious, the pressure to move in and get married, the disrespect... it will all get worse. Trust me on this one.

Not because she’s a single mother but because she’s offering an inadequate lifestyle for a new man where her children will overrule his wishes and needs.  Not only that but her lack of boundaries with her ex are going to make life problematic for you should you move in. I can’t believe how careless she is to allow that yet expect you to want to move in. 

You don’t sound satisfied with what she’s got to bring to the table. You don’t seem even slightly fulfilled with what she is bringing to your life. I doubt you worked so hard being responsible and disciplined with your assets so that you could receive scraps of consideration, respect, and happiness from a woman. Make her a yesterday person, not a today person. 

Having read your other post, and now this post...YOU have been husband shopped.

And her Mom is in this mix too....RUN, break it off as fast as you can. Tell her its YOU not her. YOUR not interested in marriage and you are not interested in becomeing a step father. PERIOD.

As far as your girlfriend saying the reason SHE is paying for the medical insurance is becasue SHE wanted too....lol, yeah right. I would love to read the transcripts from the hearing that took place.

Good Luck and dont pass go with out breaking free this epic trap. YOU will loose it all.