Your husband is a prize wimp.He doesn't see anyting wrong with having lunch with his ex and not you? Good grief! 

It's time you decided what you want in this relationship and went after it. 

This board is full of women married to painfully submissive men who do exactly the same as your DH does. 

If it were me, I'd make my feelings known about his weak nature,  but I wouldn't allow it to upset me.  Since his son accepts you, clearly this about your SD and her need to remain in the delusion that her parents are together, not about you.  That's very sad for her, but doesn't need to affect you at all.

Do be sure, though, that when he's out with her, you do something fun for yourself, don't sit around feeling left out.  Personally, I'd prefer to be left out in such a situation, why would you want to spend time with someone who doesn't like you?

To get a better idea of the backstory, could you clarify please. Your partner had a 30yr marriage and been with you now between 6-7yrs (your profile says just over six years, the actual post says seven years). The adult daughter of your partner is 33 years old. 

Does this mean that perhaps you were TOW (the other woman) and your partner and you were having a relationship for a number of years while your partner was married to his now ex wife?

I ask , because sometimes in situations where that is the backstory, there is a likelihood that this daughter of his may never 'forgive and forget'. It can happen when their parents new partner crosses timelines with their parents previous marriage. The children sometimes blame the new partner for causing the end of their parents marriage (whether truthfully or not). 

While your partner can not make his daughter accept and engage with you, the man has no business attending cozy little birthday lunches with his ex wife. 

The adult daughter and just her father for a nice lunch (while you're busy, yourself) to celebrate her birthday is acceptable. A lunch with Mommy , the now ex-wide and Daddy, who now has a new partner, is not. The mother can take the daughter for lunch one day and your partner, her father, can take the daughter for lunch , himself and/or with you included another day. But the threesome of parents and daughter for lunch is inappropriate and disrespectful to you, his current partner. 

I would not desire to go have lunch with an adult woman who wants no part of me being around ( I can think of much better ways to spend a few hours), but I certainly would not condone my partner running off and playing happy family with his ex wife.... if he wants to do that, he can go on back and just remarry his first wife. 

Eating lunch, playing happy family with the ex, would be enough for me to tell him to go back to her, regardless of his excuse for doing so....it would be over the first time. The happy family divorced, the marriage is over and regardless of who exists as a consequence; that fact remains. Never be with a man hanging out with his ex wife.

I have the same situation with SD31. I've disengaged and feel better -- she's not rejecting me anymore because I'M rejecting HER. It's a great mindset, but it takes work to get there. You could get there.

I settled on disengaging from SD when I was left with no other alternative. I fought with my husband for years trying to get him to do what needed to be done for SD to play nice. Disengagement, after all that, was bearable. In time, it was even pleasant after I stopped dwelling on why things can't be different.

You, though, have the added wrinkle of the BM being there. Yes, that is intolerable. I'd raise hell with my husband about that. I think that's pretty disrespectful after 7 years.

You can't make SD accept you, so maybe aim for the disengagement mindset -- that's work you can do yourself and it will be a gift when you get it down.

On the BM's presence, have you talked to him about how it makes you feel? Do you sense any hope that he'd put down his foot and not go if BM is there? He doesn't care if BM is there, apparently, so you can only argue this from how it affects you...and that's a weak position with these guilty fathers and their manipulative daughters.

I'm not sure if you're looking for a way to change this, but if you try to negotiate it with him, leave the SD issue out of it. Bringing her up will only make him defensive of his little girl. Only make it about the ex being there.

Ask him what kind of woman would choose to be in a relationship with a man AND his ex. The very fact that she is an ex signals that the relationship is over, so expecting you to sit back and accept this is nuts -- no woman in her right mind would be OK with this three-way relationship.

Tell him your compromise is that you don't get in the way of him seeing SD, but he needs to compromise by not going if BM is there. That is a bridge too far and if it doesn't change, you might have to make some changes.

Forgive me if you've already said all this to him. I'm not sure if you're looking for solutions or just need to vent.

If BM is a sane person, and didn't wreak havoc on his life, and has moved on with her own life, I wouldn't really have an issue with the three of them going out to lunch sans me, quite frankly.  And as long as the SD is just distant and aloof and not rude and disrespectful, then that's fine.

I'm not really clear why people get so upset about this sort of situation with a stepkid.  My SS is pleasant and respectful to me, probably even likes me, but I couldn't care less if he and DH go do stuff without me.  In fact, I prefer it. 

There is no way I would tolerate it if my SO began to socialize with his ex ... when I've been INTENTIONALLY left out. 

That is the fact of the matter here.  SD is INTENTIONALLY leaving you out, and selfishly including BM as proxy for your DH's partner - even though she isn't anymore.  And your DH is willing to play this little mind-game, which is what is most troublesome.

Furthermore, in your case, SD's exclusive invites to her dad could progress to more than once a year.  It might be applied to her other family member's birthdays and perhaps grandskid events.  Then what if your SS decides to do the same?  Now you are looking at quite a few events each year where you will be excluded and BM will be sitting there with YOUR husband.  I'd be willing to bet that your DH would go along with it, too, since he doesn't seem to have the guts to stand up to his supposed adult daughter.

Next, what would happen if your kids deciding to play tit-for-tat since they see how you are being treated and will stop including your DH in their invites, but include your ex husband?  

The whole situation, like most step situations, is fraught with spiraling out of control.  If SD wants to have lunch alone with her dad, that's fine.  But including BM along for the joy ride will eventually derail your relationship with your DH, IMO.   I think you've already lost respect for him because of this incident and that is a warning sign he should heed.    

It's SD's intent, and DH's apparent acquiesence to it.    There are lots of unknowns here - like was SM not invited to weddings, baby births, holidays etc.?  We don't know the history so I'm just going by what she stated in her OP where she identified SD as "disrespectful and manipulative."   Leads me to believe there is more to this than a simple lunch invite.

All I know is that I am a child of divorce and there is no way that AS AN ADULT I would have invited my father to lunch, telling him to leave his wife behind, but inviting my mom.   I was no fan of my father's wife but at least I had enough respect for my father's choice that I could (and did) include her for his sake.   

I learned to have separate events with my parents for birthdays, holidays, etc. because there wasn't tension.  Trying to have two people who are divorced (your parents or not, amicable or not) is not always a comfortable situation, so you learn to adapt.  

Most children of divorce learn this early on, evidently SD33 still has not. 

You are not being harsh, as it sounds like your partner is being submissive while cowering down to his DD's demands to see him only if you are not there. His DD needs to get over the fact that you and her father are in a loving relationship and it is not all about her. She should respect her father enough to go on with her life and stop trying to live in the past and rebuild the first family she so bizarrely needs back. 

Thoughts in how to get over the discomfort:  Feeling more comfortable about the whole thing is different for everyone. Some disengage, some vent, some pretend and some try and work things out. I guess whatever is most comfortable for you.

Seven years for any family member of your partner to try and make you be invisible and purposely exclude you is far too long. I think your DH should grow some and tell little Miss manipulative that he is going to bring you to the next outing they all plan and she can either accept it and play nice or do her own thing. 

Happy, kind, loving people don't purposely exclude a long time partner of anyone. How would his DD like it if her partner was always purposely excluded? It's wrong and just a game adult skids play. I get the same BS with my DH's adult brood. They would purposely exclude me and tell DH he was the only one invited and then they would invite a ton of other family members to whatever event and DH would be fuming vowing never to go again. 

OSD also pulled the Bday thing some years back, and DH brought me. I didn't know my presence was not wanted until after OSD told DH that I spoiled her special birthday dinner by being there, even though there were about 15 other family members there of DH's. I never would of went. I was quiet and sat, ate and smiled the whole time, but OSD cannot get over DH and I are a couple and doubt she ever will. OSS is also just as bad. He hates me, and has always excluded me no matter what the event was.

It just gets to the point where you have to stop caring about what the adult skids think and stop trying to tiptoe around them to appease them. These are adults and have no right calling the shots on who, when and where their parent want to bring to any event they are at, even if that is their birthday. 

Maybe a lot of us try biting our tongues about being excluded all the time by adult skids in an effort to not cause any grief to our partners and not sound flexible. But the whole excluding dynamic conjured up by adult skids is not nice and they know it. When the ex is also invited and you are excluded that brings it to a whole new level of nasty, and they know that too.

What to do when your man is off having a meal with his ex wife and kid?  What to do when your man pretends you don't exist to appease an adult child?

It's unreal that as women in 2018 we have to answer these kinds of questions, and the general consensus of society is that we should be okay with it.  The dynamic of consecutive wives or partners is that we're treated like a mistress that should be hidden away as not to upset BM and children from the first family. 

My attitude has always been open doors that swing both ways with DH. He can do whatever he wants but don't expect me to sit at home waiting. 

Im so confused  Im going to need a drink and a bag of corn candy to understand all these posts   *ROFL*

Maybe, it would be understandable for a juvenile (age wise, not mentally or emotionally) to request seeing her father on her birthday, but this is a grown woman. She knows the strife this will cause in DH's life, and doesn't care. It's just another "perk" for her to play her father and manipulate him.

This is another passive aggressive power play, cleverly (SD thinks, or for SM not so cleverly) disguised as an emotional outcry for mommy and daddy to come together to celebrate ME (SD) because it's all about her, isn't it? To hell with how anyone else feels, irregardless of whose birthday it is.

The aftermath sets into motion a hell on earth for SM and DH's marriage, as DH cannot disappoint his princess, and why should he when it's much easier to hurt SM?

Same movie, different cast.

The DH would obviously be footing the bill, after traveling to wherever the SD may live.

Where I come from married men stop dating other women. The EX is an EX for a reason. I always say "X" marks the spot. Think of a dog. : )

For the record, I experienced something eerily similar, so consider this the voice of experience.

This DH knows he is being manipulated, and is inviting it, however, he needs to let the SD know, he is a "WE" and if his CURRENT wife cannot attend an event that requires him to be in the exclusive presence of his EX, presenting themselves as a couple to the world, and worse yet, "the happy family." DH will need to decline, explaining he would be happy to meet with SD for a one on one lunch celebration, IF HE ELECTS to do so, and IF his wife is in agreement. If it's a couples gathering, then current spouses need to appear as a COUPLE, because they are.

Does SD not have any friends to celebrate with? Most adults usually have a social circle they'd prefer to be with on their birthdays and understand a card or gift from a parent will suffice.

I wonder if this "conception celebration" only counts when a kid is produced.

Imagining getting together with all the people you've had sex with for "mating celebrations." Is that OK? Who should pay for dinner? Who should bring the peyote?

Heady, hilarious stuff here. Whew...the psychobabble was having a hey day with my synaptics. Nothing like the "doors of conception" to expand one's mind to supra"step"consciousness. I can hear the water drum now as the participants are taken back to sperm, egg and the spark of creation. 

SD is playing mind games. Grow up.

DH needs to say, "no to conception ritual, but he can celebrate with SD in any way, shape or form sans BM." Man up.

Your feelings and discomfort of the situation should be honored by DH. Stand your ground.  Thumbs up.

My DH won't go without me.  Absolutely not and it's inappropriate for SD to even ask.  She's 33, not 3, and should grow up and be an adult.

And why exactly do  you continue to tolerate this ball-less wonder failed parent of a non-man?

I find I am in the same position, SD invited my DH to her husbands 30th Birthday party but also asked that I not come as her mother would be there and she wanted to play happy families. This caused a huge fight between DH and SD and they have not spoken for nearly a year, the most peaceful year of our time together!!

Now, however, he is missing his Grandchildren and starting to catch up with them when I am not around. This suits me fine as I fell it is improtant for him to have a relationship with them and I DO NOT want to sepnd time with his Narcissistic, manipulative daughter. DH never enjoys himself when they do catch up and is glad to get back to me. 

Hang in there, if he is a good man he will realise the damage his daughter is doing and come around. I have told my DH that I will support whatever decision he makes and it has helped our relationship immensely. He knows I believe in his goodness and and is now living up to that.

I find I am in the same position, SD invited my DH to her husbands 30th Birthday party but also asked that I not come as her mother would be there and she wanted to play happy families. This caused a huge fight between DH and SD and they have not spoken for nearly a year, the most peaceful year of our time together!!

Now, however, he is missing his Grandchildren and starting to catch up with them when I am not around. This suits me fine as I fell it is improtant for him to have a relationship with them and I DO NOT want to sepnd time with his Narcissistic, manipulative daughter. DH never enjoys himself when they do catch up and is glad to get back to me. 

Hang in there, if he is a good man he will realise the damage his daughter is doing and come around. I have told my DH that I will support whatever decision he makes and it has helped our relationship immensely. He knows I believe in his goodness and and is now living up to that.

that this sd has a right to only have bio mum and bio dad at her birthday lunch etc.

when couples go through the trauma of divorce, 99% of the time its not civil. One of the partners is hell bent on vengeance and causing pain to the other partner for calling on the divorce and wreak havoc on his/her life forever

in the very rare chance the couple were amicable, they realised they’d grown apart and weren’t the same people as before and have remained civil to one another and their new partners, then i can get if the new partners are ok with them meeting their child alone but in most cases if they are amicable, the bio parents will insist their respective new spouses and long term partners be present.

however when its a nasty divorce because it was an abusive nasty relationship, or cheating was involved, those ex spouses do not want to be near one another let alone in the same room because they know history dictates the other spouse/partner will create drama and usual hostility so they avoid it. They have separate lunches and dinner with their child.

no cod should demand selfishly to put 2 parents who never wanted to be/remain married together in the same room forcibly and exclude their mew spouses. You can say the child has every right tonot want the new spouse/partner there or have any relationship with him/her but excluding intentionally any meets and demanding she/he never be present ever at any meets is emotional abuse and something skids enjoy doing.

no sane adult will be happy having his child from ex demand meets where kids of the new marriage and the new partner/spouse is excluded or told to not come or they behave in such a way to force her to not come.

my husband asked me to come to meets with his 2 daughters, the whole meet revolved around them going on and on about bio mum and stepdad and reporting their daily activities to make them relevant to hubby. They went out of their way to remind hubby that bio mum was still important except she hadn’t been to hubby in 11 years and still isn’t. She cheated on hubby with current husband.

then they report about everything they see about us and our kids to bio mum and stepdad, there is no respect for boundaries.

i refused to go to these visits by the 3rd visit. The skids just sat in awkward silence unless they were ranting about bio mum and stepdad.

2 visits alone and hubby felt how they were playing this fantasy of imaginary family alone together. It hurt my husband heeps because all week he works hard to have a good job and income and wants to spend time with everyone on his weekends. Skids never contact him unless they need something so they don’t suddenly get to demand or dictate meets alone when they aren’t active members of that household. In hubbys mind it was his right as a parent to spend his time as a family, his family consists of his current wife and their kids, and his kids from prior relationship and no one else. He told them they were perfectly capable of coming to our home for visits as we have 2 toddlers and hubby shouldn’t be demanded or expected to spend 11 hours out of the home alone with skids when he wants to also spend that time with his wife and their kids too.

The new spouse does feel tossed to the side when op scenario is listed. There is no need for a joint lunch of bio mum, bio dad and kid. Its absolute torture to have them in the same room if the divorce wasn’t amicable and its absolute craziness to expect both will be civil at their childs wedding if 1 is batshit crazy. Saying they can put their differences aside is just not possible when you don’t have an amicable divorce and abuse/domestic violence was part of the main reason for divorce

my husband refuses to be anywhere in the same room as ex wife, that will not change till the day he dies. No kid of him can manipulate or guilt him into it.

Hey Y'all. 

I just found this photo album of a 'first family' coming together to celebrate the glorious rites of the miraculous and hallowed existence of their now fully-grown offspring in their annual conception ritual. It's really something...no wonder they want to keep this tradition going.

https://images.app.goo.gl/Criz85EXJyR2FJkTA