Needing a little support!
So anyone who has read my previous forum posts know that I have struggled with the whole dive into the world of being a step mum and feeling a bit like an outside in my own little family. But..... I have worked hard to find peace in my role and work on changing my perception of many of the aspects of this role that I cannot change. I have gone to counselling and worked hard to redirect any negative thoughts about his past that I might have.
However, after a conversation with my soon to be mother-in-law yesterday I'm left feeling a little down with an image I can't seem to get out of my head. We were discussing some of my medical conditions and my own concerns about my ability to have children when I made a joking comment pointing to my SD that at least we know my soon-to-be DH's bits work. My soon-to-be MIL then proceeded to tell me that when you trace it back from her birth date my SD must have been conceived on my soon-to-be DH's previous engagement party with his now ex-wife. Now I'm not naive and of course I'm not delusional in thinking they never engaged in 'that' (obviously there is a child as evidence) and I know that I myself have a past (despite having not a single tie left to it) but with my own engagement party less than a week away I can't seem to find the joy in it anymore. It was a detail that I really didn't need to know, definitely not something I enjoy thinking about, like an image I now can't unsee. Now all I can think about when I think of my upcoming engagement party is my DH and his ex-wife on their engagement party performing 'that'.
Just after a little support and maybe people's own experiences and how they coped. I was really looking forward to the night and now I'm just not.
Please no negative comments.
Well, that was insensitive of
Well, that was insensitive of your future MIL.
What I've learned is to hold myself back. It's very possible that you will be compared to the ex. It SUCKS, but may happen. So expect it. If you don't want to hear about what WAS, hold back from discussing what IS.
I don't know how well you know your MIL, but if you have a good relationship, you can let her know that DH's former relationship and all its picadillos are not a topic for conversation. EVER.
What I learned is to Proceed With Caution. And ALWAYS expect the skids and in-laws to compare you to the ex. IOW, discuss these things with like-minded people who are NOT related.
Good advice
Thanks Aniki, that's good advice. I do have quite a good relationship with MIL which is why I think it just a bit more.
Well first of all you cant
Well first of all you cant get the exact conception date from tracing it back from the birthdate, only a ballpark idea within a few weeks (if the baby was fullterm) so that might not even be true.
That seems like a pretty socially inept comment for your MIL to make if you have a good relationship with her. But sorry, why exactly did she want to know that detail herself and bother figuring it out? Religious thing wondering if it was before marriage? Kinda weird...
Sorry you have to have that bringing you down on a happy occasion. I hate when things like that from DHs past get attached to something in the present for me.
Must have her say
My MIL is the kind of person who has to have and say her opinion. I really do love her and am lucky to have a family that accepts me with open arms but sometimes she just doesn't think before she speaks.
I spoke to my future DH about it and tried to express how I felt but in a way he just couldn't see it from my perspective. His opinion was that 'I'd done it with me ex so it was the same thing' and to a degree I guess he has a point but my ex is not in the picture at all anymore, we have no contact, he lives in a different state etc and further to that I don't share any details about it as I'm sure he definitely doesn't want to hear them. Maybe if my engagement party had passed or was 6 months away I'd feel different but it's one week away with a fresh 'horrible thought' in my mind.
Oh I can give you one better.
Oh I can give you one better. My DH (who truly has been wonderful in supporting me with removing the idiot SS34 from my life) was an ABSOLUTE MORON with respect to BM and conception. We made a driving trip to where he grew up. He not only drove me past the home where BM grew up. He showed me where he and BM had their ONS on their first date where OSS was conceived. And I need to know this why?
I know all of this was part of his youth and it was at least 30 years in the past - but really? I know that I have some "memories" of past loves from decades ago and could also do the same. I might be a tiny bit nostalgic about my past life just because it was part of my life but I would never have pointed out the places that it took place.
oh wow
Okay yeah that is way more detail than you needed to know. Did you express that it wasn't information you needed? Or just try to move past it?
Oh yes. This was shortly
Oh yes. This was shortly after we got together. I don't know what he was thinking - but I have teased him about being so clueless. I don't anymore as it's been awhile and you have to let some things go. He's never done anything like that again.
My SO and I have talked about
My SO and I have talked about our sex lives and different situations but stories about BM always bother me. He's told me about them having sex in the hospital before SD was born to try to progress labor and another time when they were at FILs and he came home while they were showering together which was the first time FIL meet BM. I know he despises her so I never really worry about it but I really don't like thinking about it. I try to just remind myself that it was in the past.
Not a nice thought
Haha well you're braver than me. I don't like to talk about it. Like obviosuly it happened just like it did with myself and my ex. I just don't feel as though it needs to be a part of today's conversations. Especially from a future MIL to a soon-to-be second wife. On what planet she thought I'd want that information I'm not sure.
Anytime I find myself stuck
Anytime I find myself stuck in a loop about DH being in bed with either BMs, the only thing that makes me feel better is to think of the hottest, steamiest sexy memories I have with men from my past. I never mention it to DH (and to be fair to him, he knows better than to ever mention sex with his exes to me. I'm not interested in those details), but it gets me out of the loop so I can let it go.
We've been together for years now & I still find these thoughts pop in here & there (usually when I catch myself wondering why TF he ever procreated with these women in the first place...), and my sexy memories always help me out! Lol
Well, your MIL is lovely.
Well, your MIL is lovely.
This will sound crazy, but the best way to get rid of that kind of feeling? Make yourself think about them having sex everywhere in the house, in the car, on the lawn, EVERYWHERE - until the image becomes so boring you don't even care anymore.
You are letting that have too much power over you. Not only did he have sex with her, he had sex with other women, too, just as you most likely had sex with other men. Don't let that bother you so much. He wants to have sex with YOU now and that's what matters.
Sometimes I wonder if people
Sometimes I wonder if people really think about things they say before opening up their mouth??? Your MIL is some kind of special. I have no idea why in this lifetime she'd think you'd want to hear and know such a detail
SMH......I don't get people!
Yikes. Not a sensitive thing to say...
But she had no ill-intentions! Please try to remind yourself that you arent his first but you are his BEST! Try to enjoy this time - its yours and his. No one elses.
I am trying to "let go" of a great many things to do with BM Toxic Troll and Toxic Feral the eldest. Try to simply picture it like a baloon filled with toxic gas, and let it float away.
As to the sex part - he was still "dipping" in there through their separation until just a month before he and I. Shes about 50 lbs heavier than I, and super trashy. but, sure reminders that he somehow "fell into her vagina" arent all that pleasant. One of the things I am working on letting go.
Ugh, leave it to in-laws!
Ugh, leave it to in-laws! This kind of thing is exactly why I'm not close with mine. They constantly talked about BM and things I didn't want to hear about. Try not to let her get you down! I know, thinking about "that" is hard and gross but it's just an act that doesn't mean much to many people! You are the one he is with now. Congrats on your engagement!
While insensitive I don't
While insensitive I don't necessarily think that what your MIL said was intended to be cruel. You were discussing the function of the fun bits of both your DH and yourself. So, why get all wrapped around the axel about the facts of your STBDH's past.
This topic always gets my head shaking. I absolutely do not get why so many SMoms get all torqued up over the firsts that their partner had with past conquests or all upset over the fact that their partners had past partners. Though it does happen, virgin second wives are rare and most second wives or subsequenct baby mamas usually have pasts of their own.
You fell in love with this man who is a product of his past. Why regret that past that is so much of who he is?
My wife was a single teen mom. As such she was far ahead of the maturity curve, is the most focused person that I have ever met and has the most incredible work ethic of anyone I know. If she had not had my SS so young she would in all likelihood not been where she was when we met, and if she had been in all liklihood she would not have been the amazing young woman that I married.
So, enjoy every first with your FDH. Even if you knock boots with him on the day of night of her couples shower.... it will be a new experience that you will both experience together... for the first time.
Don't let the past jeopardize your happiness or your future.