Back story
Met my husband in 2013 when I worked at a western grill. There was a rodeo and he was one of the contestants. We went on a few dates (they went well) but he had a 3 year old daughter and the baby mama did not like me seeing him. Things went south from there and things just drizzled off.
Jump to 2017 I had an extremely rough break up. I had a little rebound with my now DH and ended up pregnant, oops! But little man is the biggest blessing I could have ever asked for, he’s perfect to me. My son was born Dec 2017 - DH did not go to any OB appointments and was completely uninvolved the entire pregnancy. I moved in with him July of 2017. Small 2 bedroom house ( no room for my son to have his own room ) his daughter has a room for when she was there on the weekends. When I went into the hospital to give birth he went into psycho protective mode. The nurses actually called security to be on back up for him. Things weren’t great between him and my mother. We ended up getting married 8 days postpartum because I hyphenated my sons name - I wanted to have part of the same last name as him - and DH wanted him to just have his last name. And me not being in my “right mind” went to the DMV with him and married him.
He is very mentally abusive to myself and the children. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is a curse word. And I have voiced my concerns
Things were going ok the first few months after my son was born but when summer came around things took a turn for the worse. His ex and him got in a huge fight and he wouldn’t give his daughter back to her BM for her week. He wanted to start week on week off - as they had agreed to when she was 2 but had never enforced. And now I was there to babysit - how convenient for him.
Skip to March - court date for child custody and child support. DH thought he had it in the bag (he would get to keep his daughter 50/50 and not have to pay any child support). The court ruled that BM wpuld keep daughter during the week and get her every third weekend. And we get her three weekends out of the month. Summers go back to week on week off (ya me). He now pays around $400 a month in child support which is not bad but he is VERY upset about. But he was warned that going back to court things may not end up in his favor.
DH is dead set on going back to court and fighting for 50/50 custody throughout the year and not paying her any child support. I know that’s never going to happen but he is insistent on going back to court.
Things have been so difficult. His daughter had the flu and threw up all over the house (everywhere but a bucket and the toilet)! She has been peeing her pants (she is almost 9 years old) I just don’t think that is normal.
My DH has become a complete alcoholic since court - he drank a lot before but he’s just brought it to a whole new level. He does not provide for us at all (I am a stay at home mom, we live way out in the boonies). My mother and father have been providing food for us. And I get help from WIC. My parents have 99.99% clothed my son. He is very mentally abusive To myself as the children. Every other word that comes out of his mouth is a curse word. I have tried to voice my concerns to him but every time he just gets angry (typical alcoholic). He also drives intoxicated on a regular basis (I’ve seen him in the car with his daughter.
I want to leave him so bad but I know the courts usually rule 50/50 and I do not trust him alone with my son. I cannot prove him unfit because he is sneaky and always cleans up after himself. So for now, I will fake it and stick it out (to protect my son).
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Comments
I've been in this position.
I've been in this position. And I stayed for the same reasons. I get it. But it still got to a point where not only could I not take it anymore, I started to see that my son was going to be damaged by it as he became older and more aware.
Do you have any way you can get to a domestic violence advocacy place to meet with someone and make a plan? Online or on the phone even? Also, document and get as much proof as you can of any of his behaviors.
Yes get your parents to help
Yes get your parents to help you get to a domestic abuse advice centre - leaving is sometimes the most dangerous time. They will help you document and help you get away safely.
I totally know how you feel. My ex is a verbally abusive toxic sh$ heel but eventually I knew staying would kill me. Now I can show him a healthy relationship.
Get away from him. Who knows
Get away from him. Who knows when his mental abuse will transition to physical abuse. Document as much of his behavior and unfitness as a parent as you can. I would advise consulting with an attorney to find out what your chances of limiting your son's exposure to him is and what documentation you will need. Do you think he'll really want 50/50 when he doesn't have you as his babysitter?
Walk away and don’t look back
Walk away and don’t look back. Thank goodness for supportive parents.
You are NOT protecting your
You are NOT protecting your son by staying in this marriage. As a matter of fact, you are allowing him to be abused.
One call to CPS and/or the police at the correct time and BOTH kids may end up in foster care. Your husband is verbally and mentally abusing both children. He is putting at least one of them in danger by driving drunk. You are fully aware of these things but have made the CHOICE not to call the authorities. That inaction speaks to your inability to protect your child or any other child that may be in your home.
Hopefully, your SD will tell someone at school what is going on in your home. As a teacher, if a student told me the things you have posted here, I wouldn't think twice about calling CPS.
Your home is not a safe environment for children. One adult is an abuser. The other adult isn't able or willing to protect the children from the abuse.
A simple call to 911 when you saw your husband driving drunk with his child would have provided you with all the ammunition needed to prevent him from getting 50/50 custody of your child.
Yeah, the more I think about
Yeah, the more I think about this... I do hope someone calls CPS on your husband AND YOU.
The reasons you are providing for not getting your child away from this unhealthy home life are weak at best. You are NOT protecting him by staying, you are ALLOWING the abuse.
Why aren't you leaving? Why haven't you gone back to work to support your son and instead have your parents support him? I can't imaging your parents are happy doing what both you and your husband will not.
wow - you really don't
wow - you really don't understand the dynamic of abuse. Just heap some more on. You are not helping this woman or her child. Yes, she needs to leave. But when your self esteem is already rock bottom it's so hard to move and making her feel even worse is not the way to do it.
OP, this is hard, but you CAN do it. You need to ask your parents for help. If they don't help (mine didn't), keep knocking on doors until the right doors open.
Elkclan, this is ehy CPS
Elkclan, this is why CPS needs to be involved. While it may be hard for abused women to leave, their children should not have to suffer.
CPS can't make her leave, but they sure as heck can(and would) remove her son from that home.
Sorry, but this isn't about the OP. In my opinion, it is about the 2 children that do not have a voice or the ability to protect themselves from this man.
CPS would find nothing wrong
CPS would find nothing wrong with him. He is an EXPERT!!! He covers his tracks.
If his daughter tells her
If his daughter tells her teachers about they way she is spoken to, the teacher SHOULD call CPS. Once a case is opened, CPS will speak to the child, her teacher, your husband and YOU.
If you tell a worker EVERYTHING you posted here and his daughter tells the truth, CPS will take action.
If you call the police while he is drunk driving with the child, CPS will take action.
He isn't too much of an expert- he didn't get 50/50 with his
other child.
We live out on a ranch in the
We live out on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. Me going to work is not an option right now. When it takes multiple hours out of the day to go to work it’s not an option. I came to this place for some support. @steppedout thanks for being an asshole. I put my son first no matter what, he is my top priority and my WORLD. This is my only option. To have my son be alone with him for ONE DAY would be too much. It’s NOT an option. I need 100% custody or I will be with him 100% of the time. CPS would find nothing wrong with this “good ol’ Country boy”. HAVE A NICE DAY.
Sometimes it takes a good ole
Sometimes it takes a good ole dose of reality to wake up and get the help you need -especially when you have been manipulated to believe things. Like your husband would for sure get 50% custody. Even though he did not get it with sd. But somehow he would with your son. Even though he is clearly an alcholic and refuses to work so your parents have to feed and clothe your child. Get to a domestic violence shelter and they will help ensure your and your son's safety.
As far as taking hours to get to work... why on earth you would want to stay is literally beyond reason! Your parents are doing A LOT to help you now. Would they not let you and baby stay, at least while you got on your feet?
And if CPS is called on your husband.... they WILL be investigating you also--NOT just him!
But hey, if you want to stay...
I'm confused - you just saw
I'm confused - you just saw that the court DIDN'T rule 50/50 with his daughter, why would you think it will be automatic with his son?
Gather all the evidence you can get about his abusive behavior and his alcoholism. Secretly videotaping him would be great.
He cares only about child support, so tell him he doesn't have to pay as long as he doesn't ask for 50/50. He doesn't really want his kids, he just wants to not have to pay for them. His daughter is acting out because she knows that.
All of this.
All of this.
Yes I did say that he didn’t
Yes I did say that he didn’t get 50/50... but he is going to keep going back to court and making it as big of a pain in the rear for his ex as he can. He’s butt hurt. They (DH and his mother) are gathering everything they can to show the BM unfit - but she’s no more unfit than he is. Neither of them are great. Idk how he can afford all these court costs and not put food on the table but he does. I do need to collect more evidence before I can leave. I spoke with an attorney and they told me it will be 50/50 unless I can show him unfit - that’s why I haven’t left. I’ve taken pictures and voice recorded when I can but I still need more... waiting for him to mess up and get careless. Thank you for your comment... a lot of people think I can just leave but I can’t put my son in that position where he can be left with him... at least I can protect him while I’m there..
Yes, he is fighting it
Yes, he is fighting it because he doesn't want to pay child support. But why DIDN'T he get 50/50 if your attorney says it's automatic? Did BM have some evidence of his unfitness? Is the fact that he doesn't have 50/50 of his older daughter helpful?
I personally think you need a new attorney, or at least consult with a second one who gives free consultations. Clearly it's not automatic for him to get 50/50 or he'd have it with his daughter. I'm guessing if that BM told him, fine, you don't have to pay anything, he'd rarely see his daughter. Use that to your advantage.
Well you ignored every red
Well you ignored every red flag up until this point and now you are wallowing in your consequences. Do you want advice? Because you know what you have to do. You came up to that conclusion without us telling you you are in a complete disfunctional waste of a marriage. Ask yourself what are you staying for? Is it because you don't want to share your kid with her abusive father...the abusive father you chose to have unprotected sex with which resulted in a child? Well that's too bad because he will get some visitation whether it be 50/50 or more or less. How do you fix that? You accept that he does have a right to see her but you can still ask for parameters for his visits. Get proof of his excessive daily drinking, proof of his poor decision making when he is supposed to be responsible for his daughter, and proof that your family have been the only ones supporting you and your child because he is spending his mother elsewhere. Leave. Go live with your parents as they are the ones providing for you anyway and at least you can help them around the house since they are helping you. You will have to accept you need to get a job. Find an in-home daycare nearby your parents' or work or find a family member to watch the kid and go get a job. You will have to work. It's either get a job and provide for you kid or stay living off everyone else because your husband isn't going to pay for his son just like he's trying to get out of paying for his daughter. You aren't any different. He will fight you like he fought the other BM no matter how nice you are to him. The best thing you can do is to try to get your attorney to emphasize supervised visitation in trade for no child support...I know some will come down saying child support is separate but at the end of the day he isn't going to pay it so why don't you trade him something he values for something you value. It can happen as my DH did it with BM.
I understand some of where
I understand some of where you are coming from. I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship before I married my DH. I am an alcoholic (2 years sober) and my DH is an alcoholic (4 years sober).
You say that you are protecting your son. I disagree. If your DH does not get help, or you remain with him, your son will suffer irreparable damage mentally.
My sons are 14 and 16. They watched us drink to excess. They heard the screaming matches. Thankfully they did not witness the few acts of violence. We stole their childhoods because we were a pair of selfish a-holes. We started drinking heavily in 2009... At their young ages, they are far more mature than their peers. My kids know more about addiction than most adults do.
Please talk to your parents. You said that they are providing for you....I know it's a hard thing to ask but you need an exit before it is too late.