DONE with SS
Hi all. I am new here and came for help because I am at the absolute END of my rope. I will try to be as brief as possible while relaying all necessary info. I am pretty worked up so am sure I could write a novel.
Quick backround: Husband and I have been married a year. I have known him and stepson (met stepson first) as we were neighbors for over 3. Before dad and I even started dating, heck, flirting, I'd help out, ran stepson to a friends once when dad was stuck elsewhere, small stuff like that. Stepson and I would chat because he would walk the dog and we have the same kind. Nice kid, sweet, just hello neighbor talk. He is 16 now.
SSs BM lives in another state now. She is, well, not helpful in any parenting, unless she wishes to bitch at us for what we do. She said she only ever even tried for custody to avoid paying any child support, which she barely does as she intentionally (she told husband) leaves jobs as soon as they start garnishing her wages.
SS just got back from spring break with her for a week. In the past year in a half he has had some grade issues. He manges to have fine grades on his actual report cards but that's because husband ends up finding out about assignments not turned in, talks to teachers, and somehow he pulls it off at the last second. His final grades could be better but they are fine and good. So now this past semester stepson has a part time job (his choice) and then wanted to do a play at school. Husband told him when he took the job that if his grades slip he cannot work or do plays. Well a little before spring break and grades came out they were bad again, due to not turning things in. There are no learning problems, depression, anything, just lazyness. This has all been checked, asked, followed up on, etc.
So SS comes home Monday night. Tuesday a.m. going to school dad says (being nice), you don't have to quit but when you come home every day you have to sit at the kitchen table and do your homework and if you don't have any, study for PSAT. Husband comes home and he is upstairs doing, I dunno, not at the table. Husband just said "hey you need to be down here working not upstairs". So he does his work for however long. Later he asks to go to McDonalds (where he works and even outside of work spends an insane amount of time....seems awful to me but whatever). Dad says no, SS complains, dad says because you didn't do what you were supposed to do. SS ssaid he didn't becaue he didn't want to. He bitches and moans dad shuts it down and he goes to his room.
20 mins later DH phone is blowing up from BM who is saying SS says he has nothing to drink and he is hurting and in pain because he is so thirsty. We have water, milk and juice. He wants a soda from McDonald's. The kid literally will NOT drink anything but soda. He will legit suffer instead. She goes on to say how SS says that we don't have food for him, keep food from him, and don't feed him, how he is hungry, etc etc.
Ok OBVIOUSLY none of this is true. I cook nearly every single night. For what it's worth BM hasn't cooked him a meal in her life, ever. Once in a while, usually on weekends, we do leftover night which is basically fend for yourself and choose whichever of the leftovers you want. If husband and I are heating a certain one up we offer it to him, he always declines. He regularly goes to McDonald's just before dinner and dad gets home and eats then doesn't want dinner or much of it, but we make him eat some no matter what. We always always buy him food easy for himself to make. Sandwich stuff, frozen food, cereal, some treats, etc. He will sometimes eat them all in a darn day and sometimes they sit for months uneaten. Husband and I go out to dinner maybe once a month and either order him pizza, or say he can go to McDonalds or show him the leftovers. We all sometimes have snacks that are just for that person. He has his own just for him, husband has his special cookies. He mentioned this to his mom but didn't mention it's ONE thing of someone's special cookies and that he also has his own.
I am LIVID. He is a manipulative BRAT! I am hurt! I go out of my way to make him things he likes every dang night. I shop and buy him things he likes. I make him cookies or brownies and will send him to school with a treat some days. He always has a snarky comment about my cooking. I am not a bad cook, pretty good frankly. He has never eaten a burned or ruined meal. I am not feeding him liver and onions or something. I even give him minimal veggies since he throws a fit even though I don't agree and think he should have to eat them.
I just don't know how to get past this. I read the texts from BM and it all said how he is basically saying I mistreat him as far as physically taking care of him. I am so devastated.
To add he is a lazy, rude, slob. He is a bully if you ask me based on the things he says he says and does to friends. He smells, constantly. Hasn't brushed his teeth in months (they are not even yellow anymore, they are orange). He does Zero around the house at all. All he has to do is clean his room and bathroom and he barely does that (pretends) and has to be begged as it is.
My husband plans to talk to him tonight but I am just so upset, heartbroken, devastated. I just don't see how I can get past this. Pretty much every word out of his mouth is a lie. I know if he apologizes it will be because dad tells him to and I don't even want to hear it and it won't mean anything. I do not want to live in the same home as him another day. I am in no way interested in leaving my marriage but I am done. The only time husband and I even argue is over him (being rude, not doing something). Bottom line is husband falls short on disipine but this kid is a manipulative jerk and I am done with him.
I know it hurts but try not
I know it hurts but try not to take it too personally. I'm willing to bet this has nothing to do with you and him having a problem with you based on what you've described and it's all about getting sympathy and manipulating everyone.
That's great that your husband plans on talking to him hopefully he'll shut this down. I hope your husband also told BM the truth about SSs behavior and that she backs him up but I'm willing to bet she won't.
What does your SS do with the money that he gets from working part-time? Maybe it's time for him to start paying for his own snacks and soda if they mean that much to him.
He told BM the truth but she
He told BM the truth but she will buy anything SS says I am sure. She is for sure mentally unstable. She truly makes the poorest parenting choices I have ever seen and has lost custody of two kids now (one with her first husband).
So far he has just wasted the money away. He does spend it on snacks and food due to the constant McDonald's thing. So how he can say he doesn't eat when he last month spent over $200 there (WITH HIS DISCOUNT) is first, beyond me, but also proves he's eating. It looks like he went to play practice today thank god. I cannot handle him around me alone today.
I was so stressed last night that i woke this morning with my neck tweeked and killing me. I am in insane pain to the point of maybe going to the ER, but really all they can do is say here take this. I can't take pain meds or muscle relaxers due to heart medication I am on so I just have so suffer. Well I can take them but not while home alone because it can make me really lightheaded so I can once husband is home tonight. Part of my heart problem is feeing faint to begin with so if I add to that I need some supervision...but taking them won't hurt me or anything. I HATEEEE taking both but I really probably have to tonight my neck is so messed up.
I enrolled onine in the gym
I enrolled onine in the gym today and signed up for a kickboxing class. If I don't hit something I am going to lose it. Of course I'd never harm my son....but I fully intent to picture his ass while I kick.
This is my world
We only have SSs every other weekend, so not exactly the same scenario, but we face the same drama fest every visitation weekend.
SSs are regularly texting BM to tell her they don't have what they need, when they've never asked for it!
They will also text when they want her to ask DH something, telling her they feel embarrassed to ask...which allows her to tell DH that SSs are "uncomfortable" at our house.
They always get what they ask for and always get what they need at our house, so there is no need to involve BM. They are just trying to be manipulative.
I've told DH that for the next couple of weeks, I am going to do my own thing when SSs are around, because I'm sick of the manipulation. Another favorite of BM's is to send last minute plans to us and then the kids insist we drop everything and do what "mom says". I need to get away from that. I can't have another woman dictating what I do with my free time.
Ugh. Ya I heard that too
Ugh. Ya I heard that too recently. I happened to give him some colored pencils in the house I found and he says "oh thanks I've not been able to do my work because I didn't have any". I mean, kid can ask for video games and fast food but cant say he needs colored pencils. Yes he can but hes manipulatie.
I wish we only had him 50 percent....frankly less.
Confront him on his bullshit
Confront him on his bullshit and lies. Every time.
March him to the kitchen and show him the water, juice, etc... and the food. Then all him a liar while being nose to nose with him while poking him in the chest with a stiff finger.
Then let him know that one more instance of his bullshit and there will be nothing but water and whatever is for meals for everyone else. Water can come from the faucet.
Liars are a POS at best and should be treated just like any other turd that gets stepped in. Scrape it off of your shoe and leave it were it lies to rot.
This kid pisses me off and he isn't even my Skid.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Or you can inform H
that until he starts getting tough with precious, you won't be doing ANYTHING for him.period. Its called disengaging and H will be responsible for the brat and his egg donor.
Well that was fun just now. I
Well that was fun just now. I was cooking and he has one of those soda stream things. He is messing with it, complaining it's not working and bumps into me repeatedly causing me to spill boiling water on my hand. I put my hand under water, say nothing and continue cooking. Then realize the water turned off the flame so gas is pumping into the house. Special. Finally he gets the damn bottle off and walks away and it explodes everywhere. I lost it, although I was really dang calm at losing it. I just told him enough and to get out of the kitchen. I was done. I cannot comprehend why a need for fing soda is taking over our fing life!!! I told husband at this point he clearly has an addiction and it needs to be addressed. Husband said I shouldn't have bitched at him and I said I am sorry but I'm DONE hearing about his mother fing soda!!! Kid then stormed off and ran to McDonald's. Good, less time in the house. Sadly he is now back.
Dad talked to him on the way home today about yesterday. Actually husband said he laid into him. He said he didn't say this or that to mom or didn't mean it like that and husband told him that if you say you can't have any food then mom is going to interpret that that way and that he is responsible for how he conveys things. I told husband i flat out didn't want to hear a forced apology, or any for that matter because I do not or will not forgive him. I guess son said "So I guess I should apologize to her" and husband told him no because I didnt even want to hear it but that he needs to clairfy with his mother because he is telling her lies. I guess son then said something about us never believing him and husband said "because you always lie so people won't believe you if you always lie".
Oh and when he is mad he calls me "SHE" or "HER". Boils my blood.
I got in his face once, not really even in his face but standing in front of him, and he accused me of assauting him later (I left husband for a while over this for my protection legally) and shoved me. He has shoved me numerous times. I stopped engaging once I came back to husband. I had no desire to leave husband but refused to stay in a house where I could end up in jail over his lies. He eventually told husband I was just pointing at him. Oh the horror.
I really don't do anything for him but cook dinner, but that's for us all. I didn't even eat with them tonight. I couldn't handle sitting there.
I just am done. I want him gone. I would happily pay child support out of my own pocket to have him live with mom. What bothers me the most is when it causes problems between husband and I. I mean, I left my husband, 5 months into our marriage, over this kid. I am now, due to what I gave up to be with husband, financially not able to leave and frankly don't want to, but I am done with this kid.
I want him to go back to working and doing the play because he was rarely here. i am encouraging any and every possible activity.
Next Time
The next time your SS lays his hands on you or continues to bump into you, don't say a word, just call the police. He wants to think he can push you around and your DH is allowing this. Sorry honey, your DH is a sh*tty parent, this is a hill I would die on, do not let this crap continue. If your DH doesn't step up and put his son in his place for all the crap he is doing, then you need to make a plan to leave.
Even my SD37, knew when she was young, that if she ever laid one finger on me that I would either put her ass on the floor or call the police and fine charges.
Husband has stepped in as far
Husband has stepped in as far as the physical. I would not come back until it was addressed and he knows kid is being arrested if he ever touches me at all.
Your DH has
To set this kid straight. Or send him back to BM. You can not live this way.
I have limited my interaction
I have limited my interaction with him. It isn't much even before I limited. We are supposed to go to a family thing for husbands step father on Sat and I told my husband that between the kid being there with us, his grandmothers constant passive aggresive comments and meeting his mother and step father for the first time, I may not go...although for his sake I do want to because I know he wants me to. I will have to decide. I haven't met his mother as him and her have a not great relationship due to her being abusive when he grew up and later telling him it was in his head.
As much as I'd like to tell him to get it in line or send him away, he will always pick his son first, which I really get. I woud pick my child over anyone too. I have made it clear it needs to be handled, NOW and with a permanent solution. Kid has been late every morning since he got back too, cant manage to wake up for who knows why, this time he just was too lazy to set his alarm the past two days. I truly do not want to lose my marriage over it. Husband has been pretty great, not handled it all perfectly but we are also all navigating a whole new World none of us has before so I am understanding that he doesn't always know what to do.....to an extent. I am pretty close to the end of my rope and husband knows this.