I have not attended skid weddings, but have attended 2 graduations. So, my apologies in advance, but this is what I did...

• Made certain I found outfits that were classy, but not overstated in any way. They made me feel GOOD.
• Was proud to be on my DH's arm, spoke softly to him, and gave him loving glances ALL DAY LONG.
• Never initiated conversation, but answered pleasantly when spoken to, with short (polite!) responses.
• Looked content to remain in the background during photos.
• And I ALWAYS, even when it pained me, smiled like I had a secret.

As for watching the kids? I would simply say "thank you, but I honestly don't feel comfortable doing that" or any other phrase that is polite, but means NO.

At one point, I overheard BioHo telling SD22, "She's not the bitch you said she was. WTH!!!"

Best of luck to you, stepaside!

Let them be a happy family on SD's special day, and you can be a happy person  -  take the day off.  Tell them all you have a family emergency and wish them well.  Book a night somewhere you've always wanted to go and spoil yourself.

By the way, not thanking someone for gifts and extra considerations IS rude.

I wouldn't sit myself in the corner. I would be at my husband's side.

What I mean by that isn't that I'd hang on him like I can't stand on my own two feet. However, if they are taking pictures, I'll stand behind the photographer and smile. He sits in a pew at the front? My seat is next to him. Walking around chatting with folks? I'd ask him to introduce me to them. Then do everything Aniki said.

I'm not a fan of being pushed to the side because that's what people want. If my DH wants me in a corner, at an engagement that is his "bag of crazy", then he can sit in the corner with me or I won't go. I'm not a comfort object like a teddy bear. I'm a real, live human being. If my DH said that he just wanted my presence for comfort, and his plan was to ignore me the rest of the time, I'd buy him a baby blanket and tell him to have fun.

Being expected to be treated like a guest is not the same thing as expecting to be at the center of attention. If you being treated like a person will make people's tongues way, I'd decline the invite and find something else to do. At that point, they're already going to talk about me. Might as well do something enjoyable.

If it is that small of a wedding, I would bow out.  I will never go to a special event of my SD's or their children again. It just won't end well, no matter what you do. 

You had mentioned wanting to be supportive for your DH.....this is not a funeral - it's his DD's wedding and he's a big boy. Tell him you know he would feel pulled in multiple directions. Since it's such a small affair, you would like to stay home.

I like Aniki's suggestion and/or how would you feel about not going altogether? Is this an option? Do you want to be there?

I'd take the day and book a spa day and after that treat myself to the movies or dinner. I'd make the day all about ME and allow your H to enjoy his daughters special day. He may want you there for support but if you don't feel comfortable, he should take your feelings into consideration.

Either way, wishing you the best and that all goes well that day.

Stepaside, sounds like a plan to me. Make sure you turn heads that day

Hope you have a wonderful time!

I would go to the ceremony but bow out of the reception early because that's where all the drama will take place.  You went to the wedding and looked fabulous, you were supportive, congratulated everyone in line, took a piece of cake to go and went home to a nice long bath in preparation for hubby to come home.  Taking this route would get you out of childcare and clean up duties.  

This is nothing but a stressful event for you --if your dadddeeee (DH), is wimped out by his adult daughter and family. He will not change at this wedding if so, and you will definitely feel left out because they can demonstrate one more time, how much you do not matter. No pill, no dress, no anything can take that sick feeling in your stomach away. Hopefully your DH is a better parent and husband than most here.

Every situation is different, you know if he will support your inclusion or bow to excluding you (treating you like the hired help).

I would not go, regardless of what daddee decides to do, I know what I am working with here though----I do not hate myself that badly ;-).

Having the pleasure...not really...of attending a couple skid weddings, this is what I've learned:

keep in mind the adult skids were never nice to me unless they wanted me to convince DH to do something that benefits them. Your SD sounds like she has been cordial to you.

Make sure your DH has your back 100%. Very important in case there is adult skid and company disrespect. If your DH ignores something on purpose they do, how will that make you feel? I'd talk to my DH first about it...something like -"if they pull any hateful stunts and we ignore it and hope it goes away, I am outta there and you can stay behind."

Take 2 cars if you can, so you have a means to leave if it gets that bad. Not to say it will, but it is something I wish I did at adult skid weddings I went to.

Your DH should make an effort to include you in photos, conversations, etc. I would talk to him about that and ask him how'd he feel if that was done to him. That whole photo game they pull is not right. The first skid wedding I went to, DH was asked at the reception to travel a few miles away for pictures right in front of me. I didn't know many people at the wedding. DH went along with their plan like a little lost dog and I asked him for his car keys and sat in the car crying. This came after a couple of other adult skid wedding stunts, so I was pretty fed up by then.

What I am getting at is to maybe expect the unexpected. I was naive about mean adult skids games at the time, and never expected to have to sit in the back row while DH sat up front with a momento he was forced to carry down the isle of his late wife. Yes, I say forced, as DH swears they sprung this on him and he feels that is why he was never invited to rehearsal, because if knew about it, he never would of agreed to walk down isle with something from a deceased person, let me sit in the back or play the picture game. I still hold DH accountable for his actions though, no one forced him, as he tells me. He is a big boy and went along with their silly games. Sure he feels bad, but he could of said something. They are his brood, not mine. All the games caught me by surprise, as I never felt more excluded at anything in my life. 

Come up with a good NO answer to being asked to watch the kids. You are not a babysitter, are you? I'd tell them my babysitting days were done in my teens or suggest that so and so relative would be happy to babysit or I think I am coming down with a cold.

good luck

IME, people can be VERY sneaky about dumping their kids on others.  Like the -- oh just going to the ladies room, and then they go have pictures taken, dance, get a drink, etc.  I wouldn't describe that as hateful, just really annoying.  Be prepaered as to how to extricate  yourself.  

Having an escape plan might make you feel more at ease.  Either drive separate, or have cash ready for an uber or lyft, just in case.

I went through exactly what you're going through. If you plan as if one misstep could kill you, you'll be fine!

Absolutely tell your husband what you are and aren't willing to do (i.e. watching the kids). Tell him how you expect him to act. Try to think of every possible scenario and address it with him often and early! Let him know you're worried and what you're planning should anything go wrong.

It's good to acknowledge that he also feels uneasy about the wedding. Try to keep that in mind if he screws up that day. My own husband was a mess on SD's wedding day because he was so scared BM might make a scene.

I also did a few other things because I've only experienced BM twice and she was nutty as a bat both times.

- Face the wall as often as possible so there are no accusations of "giving dirty looks." Think of BM as an animal who may misread any expression on your face -- so don't give her any openings to cause conflict.

- Have an exit plan if things get ugly -- Uber, taxi, however you can do it, have a plan to exit if it gets ugly and if it gets ugly, just slip out. Know where your bag is and head home without fanfare. You can send a text to your husband to let him know you've gone. Let him know ahead of time that you plan to exit if you sense danger.

- I did not wait to be told where to sit. I planned to sit in the back, apart from my husband who was up front, to avoid all the BS that goes with seating. Some on this site will tell you that's wrong. But what the hell did I care where I sat for something that was akin to a trip to the gynecologist? I just wanted it to be over. Only a few noticed I was not up front and I simply said "It's her big day. I'm happy to take a backseat." You'll look like Mother Theresa AND you'll avoid a lot of BS.

- I asked the bride months ahead of time to ask her mother what level of interaction BM wanted with me -- "Should I greet your mom? Should I talk to her? Should I ignore her? Whatever she wants, I'll do to make her comfortable. Just let me know." This was my way of minimizing conflict and covering my ass. As expected, I was told her mom wanted no contact with me, so I avoided her and did not even sit facing BM just to be sure there was no chance for me to be accused of anything. Sure enough, months after the wedding, SD said, "My mom came over to talk to you and she was mad because you turned your head away." I knew this was BS because I had the idea to ask ahead of time about BM's wishes. I really thought this was a brilliant move on my part so that when I walked away at the end of the day, I knew I did exactly as I was told.

- I know you don't want to watch the kids and I don't blame you. Ugh, kids. However, it's not a bad idea to have some "job" to turn to when you're standing there all alone watching the happy first family pose for pictures. I was in charge of half my SD's wedding and I was happy to have flower arranging duties, sign making duties, balloons to arrange, etc., to keep me busy when things got awkward.

- I wore Navy blue. It's as close as I could get to a color that would make me invisible without being accused of wearing black to the princess's wedding. I covered up from head to toe -- think 'head of catering' clothes so you're not accused of stealing anyone's limelight.

- Knowing I'd be left alone at specific times (pictures, etc.), I found another guest who was relatively distant from the events and I glommed onto him like a barnacle. Find someone who's just happy to be having a few drinks and has no horse in the race, be sure he or she is a talker, then return to that person every time you start to feel uneasy. It's best to find another guest who's also alone because they'll also feel awkward and be grateful to talk to someone.

The key is to be sure you're busy the entire time with your own thing, whether it's talking to someone, cleaning up a mess, arranging something that's out of place, whatever. Offer help to anyone doing anything for the wedding so you look like you're all in on the wedding thing.

You can do this. No matter how bad anything is, remember it will all be over in a day. Make this a challenge for yourself. If your SD was at your wedding and she didn't cause any problems, remember that when you're slighted or feel angry. And no matter what, remember that this SD has been OK to you and therefore, she deserves you to do whatever you can to not be a problem on her big day. Ha, ha...let her mom do that!

I wanted to share my experience in case you are still looking for input.

SD27 got married 4 or so years ago and I planned it all as we were still getting along and I was wanting DH to be happy at all costs, big mistake.

I organized and paid for the Dj, photographer and wedding dress and hosted the engagement party.

The day of while everyone “important” got to get dressed and spend the day with the wedding party, I ran around making sure everything was going smoothly, and all guests and hired people (DJ and photo) were in the right areas. I even had to tie all of the men’s ties because none of them knew how.

SD , DH and BM were all in the spotlight which was fine I preferred to be in the shadow to avoid BM and her family, but I was exhausted.

This was a completely thankless job as I’ve now learned being a SM usually is. Fast forward to today and I’m completely disengaged From SD27 because beginning with her wedding, life has been all about her and getting closer to DH but I’ve finally had enough.

Maybe you can find your spot somewhere between what I did and doing absolutely nothing, but you may be disappointed regardless, just try not to get your heart broken over it, and expect the worst (no thank yous, no introductions, no acknowledgement at all) and if anything extra happens than it’s a bonus.

Good luck to you.

I wore a dress that matched my DHs vest, it was a different color than the wedding colors, so we coordinated on our own to unity among the bio clan.