Watching Step Kids When Hubby Travels
Dear Step Talk,
I haven't been on here in awhile (last time was about a year ago). But I needed to vent.
I am currently living with a long-term boyfriend, a widower with three younger girls (middle school age). I travel a fair amount for business and family and he travels occasionally as well. I run my own law firm and am always pretty busy.
This is the issue: He just asked me today to watch two of his kids while he goes out of town with third girl, for a tournament. I don't want to and I said no: Watching his kids without him tends to result in them fighting, not doing their chores, interrupting my day at work with needs to be picked up, driven, taken to appointment.
I grew up with TWO working parents, while he had a SAH wife (before she passed). Since we both work, I've repeatedly suggested that we hire a part-time babysitter or teenager to help out with driving kids, watching when he travels for work.
But he grew up with a single mom and just doesn't think that "hired help" is worth it.
Instead, he tries to guilt me into doing it. Granted, it's not all the time, but I don't want to do it at all. It's not cost effective and destroys my business. I'm home a lot on weekends and at night, but can't interrupt my work. In my family, growing up, my dad would never have tried to make my mom skip work for his business trip if they could use a grandparent or sitter - and they were married.
We have plenty of money (at least for a once-or-twice a month sitter, not a problem). It jsut infuriates me. I just got off the phone with my good friend (no kids) who accused me of being selfish, because my boyfriend pays more than half of our bills. But in my opinion, that's irrelevant: He should pay most of the bills for a household with himself, his three kids (we've been together for 2.5 years) and me. I don't even have a desk - I have half a bedroom. I could move out, but he'd be miserable. I just want to be a full-time lawyer, working 40 hours a week, like my parents.
Am I a jerk?
Additional Information
Two additional points: I do a LOT with his kids: I take them to get mani-pedis, take them on bike rides, my own parents hosted them for a week at the beach, get them birthday presents, tuck them in usually at night, look over their homework.
I used to try to do all these extra things he asks of me during the workday and I almost went bankrupt last year. Not a realistic possibility. I pay most of my own bills (car payments, repairs, health insurance, clothes, travel, medical), we don't share finances except for him paying more than half of the house payment. So he doesn't "support" me as of yet. I don't necessarily want him to support me, but if he doesn't support me, I can't risk my job to babysit his kids. I'm in my mid-40's - that's why there are BABYSITTERS! Even some of my SAHM friends use them a few hours a week. AARGH. It's driving me crazy!!!
When you married him the kids
When you married him the kids come with the package. I would have a problem if my spouse couldn't help out with my kids. But I also agree if he isn't supporting you then how can he throw a monkey wrench in your work????
If helping him with this kids
If helping him with this kids means putting her own career on the back burner whilst there are other affordable & viable solutions available, then he is wrong for expecting that of her.
I would never take time off work to care for my SS’s. My job is important to me & there are other alternatives available for skids whist their parents work.
OP, your BF is being unreasonable & is prioritizing his children over your career. Don’t let him or this “good friend” guilt you into doing something that will hurt you professionally.
If you can help, then help. I’ve done quite a bit for my DH & the skids when they need it, but always after hours. If he’s got the money then there’s no reason not to spend it appropriately to help out. It’s not much different than working parents putting their kids in before/after school care.
You knew what you were getting into is just BS
And we all know it. And OP hasn't married him, from what she's said, so there's that, too.
I didn't make my skids, they are not my responsibility. They are DH's. Anything I do for them is by my good grace, and thank goodness he understands that. How dare he guilt trip her for not covering for him, especially if there are work implications.
I vote no!
I have been the "bend over backwards" person and taken my SO's kids with me to work to be helpful...all that got me was staying late another day or two to catch up. Work is work. He gets a sitter or cancels his trip.
Thank you
I agree with you! Thank you for taking the time to post.
You are not a built in
You are not a built in babysitter, just because you are with him. I used to watch my SS for a couple hours here and there, but a weekend?! Hell no. That's way out of my job description. He can hire a sitter, send them to friends' houses, fly Grandma in, or whatever.
He's not a package deal, and the kids aren't your responsibility.
Exactly!
Exactly!! I am not the babysitter. I am happy (more than happy) to help him HIRE a babysitter. There are MANY available on care.com or through friends. But I’m not a sitter like when I was 17. I’m an adult, successful lawyer, with bills to pay and clients!
Some bio fathers take the
Some bio fathers take the "mother" in stepmother too seriously. As a widower, I can see why he might want to meet a woman who would take on that role, but that's not you, and he needs to understand that.
He gets a sitter (or other
He gets a sitter (or other family member) to help or he cancels the trip. End of story. I used to do this and it got me nowhere besides exhausted, behind in my work, creating resentful skids, and in debt. Do not be used. If he wants you to watch his kids for a couple of hours here and there when you are free that is fine but for an entire weekend? No.
If this is going to interfere
If this is going to interfere with your work and your clients and affect your livelihood, then I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say no. Especially if you've been encouraging him for some time to get a babysitter. (To be clear, I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say no even if it didn't interfere, because they're not your children or even your step-children, but it doesn't sound like that's the case). It'd be one thing if he was paying your bills and supporting you, but he's not. Are there certain hours (when you don't need to be working or "on call") when you could help him out? Maybe volunteer to do that much but tell him he'll need to find someone else for your working hours. And then insist that he have a babysitter available to handle all of it in the future. There's a big difference between a SAH wife and a full-time working girlfriend, and he's apparently not understanding that difference.
Thank You!
NDC: Thank you!!! I love that last sentence: "There's a big difference between a SAH wife and a full-time working girlfriend, and he's apparently not understanding that difference."
BINGO!
Yeah this would be a no for
Yeah this would be a no for me. It’s even a lot to ask if it didn’t interfere with work, but the fact that it does makes it really ballsy and inappropriate for him to even ask.
Regarding bills, I agree that he should OT more since there are 5 of them and only 1 of you. My SO and i have been together about 3yrs, and About a year after I moved in, we got in a fight about bills. He thought I should be paying half of all the bills, Including rent. I said, the only reason we need a 3 bedroom place is because of YOUR kids. Rent would be cheaper for a 1 bedroom. There are 3 of you, I’m not paying for your kids. He has never acknowledged that I had a point, but he gladly pays most of the bills now (and all of the rent). When I try to give him extra money he asks what it’s for and doesn’t really want to take it.
Good Point about Cost Per Person!
SG: I like your point about cost-per-person. I agree: In a house with three pre-teens/teenagers (two of whom are taller than me!), we have FIVE essentially adult-sized people in a small house. I get half of one bedroom and half of a small bathroom. The kids each have their own room (which is fine, but not my problem). I use LESS THAN 1/5 of the house:
FOUR BEDROOMS: Kid 1 - Has largest room; Kid 2 - Has medium room; BF and I - Have medium room; Kid 3 - Has little room (too small, really). We are looking for five bedroom home, where I'll have office space and room for a guest to visit (likely my parents, who come help with girls occasionally).
FIVE PEOPLE: I use about 1/5 of the hot water / electricity, etc. I eat most of my meals out (some professionally) and rarely keep food in the fridge for long. I travel a fair amount so only in the home maybe 20-25 days a month.
I'm fine with paying about 15-20% of the household expenses; But, like you, I'm not paying HALF the bills for a house where I am ONE of FIVE people! I don't even have a desk (I'm the only one; girls and BF all have them). We're working on moving, but in the meantime I pay for an office space outside the house...
AARGH. I am glad I am self-supporting - I love having freedom!
Hang in there, Step-Girlfriend. You Rock!
Why can’t DH take
All the kids with him on the trip?. He is there father
School
Harry: That is what I thought at first, as well. In fact, I wouldn’t be mad if we ALL went. But it turns out we’d have to leave Thursday night, so the two other girls would have an unexcused absence on Friday.
P.S. It’s also our birthday weekend. (We were both born the same week.)
Don't start being the built in sitter
I think all of us on here that's been there done that will agree. It sounds like you are both educated well functioning adults. His kids are not your responsibility, I don't care if your even married. There is no reason why you cannot hire someone to help while he is out of town. Don't start this because it will be a never ending habit that will leave you feeling frustrated and bitter.
So he wants you to take time
So he wants you to take time off work to look after his kids so he can go and do something he wants to do ... and it's not work. and you don't want to. That doesn't make you a jerk. That makes him a jerk because he just assumed you'd do it. Hasn't he ever heard of babysitters? Isn't there a neighbour who'd like to earn a few bucks? *
I really don't understand why
I really don't understand why this is such a common problem. Who disregards someone's career because THEIR kids need to be watched? Like I can't comprehend how men don't see the issue with that. Babysitters exist for a reason. My husband and I had this argument so many times back when we were dating - over 5 years ago at the beginning. I worked 9am - 6pm and he worked 4pm - 2am or so. He kept leaving SD 2 years old at the time at home when he went to work and it drove me nuts because it really started impacting my work performance.
When I spoke up, he'd imply that I didn't like his daughter and I wasn't being part of a team. In reality, I HAD WORK TO DO and I didn't want to stress about not meeting deadlines while playing babysitter during all my time off. I ended up leaving the house at 3:30pm one day to make a point. I went to a cafe and finished work there. I'm pretty sure he had to frantically call a bunch of people trying to find a sitter. But damn, I told him 10x that I wouldn't be watching her anymore.
My point is... NO you don't have to put someone else's kids before your work. That's not right. It makes absolutely no sense. Remind him that even in intact families, they hire babysitters when both people are working. This is literally what babysitters exist for and to ask his professional attorney wife to give up work for babysitting is insane. If he doesn't listen, leave before he can drop the kids on you. Go spend the weekend somewhere nice. I know it's frustrating that you even have to do that, but it helps.
I agree!
Sunshine, Thank you for sharing your experiences. I totally agree with you. It is so bizarre for him to expect me to be a working woman, essentially supporting myself while also interrupting my regular work schedule to frequently handle childcare. It's just backwards!
I think part of the problem is our respective backgrounds: I grew up in a comfortably secure (financially) family where my parents were professionals who both chose to work similar hours (9-5:30, M-F) and so did many of my friends' parents. Or else, the Dad works VERY long hours, and the Mom essentially took care of house/kids instead. He grew up poor, with a mother on welfare, where no one ever "hired" help to clean or watch children. The family did it (or house got dirty, kids dropped out of school).
To me, it makes no sense for me to skip work (at $200/hour) so I can drive Kid X to an afterschool activity. Seriously. We had babysitters and can get them! They work for about $10-15/hour in our neighborhood. For $25/hour we can get somebody with a PHD and teaching experience! To some degree, he hurts his OWN career by doing this stuff - running out at lunch to drop a kid at an event or appointment: I'm like, "WE HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEBODY!" He just doesn't get it.
Unless he is fully supporting me, I can't stop working.
And I don't want to: I like my job! I don't even work very long hours: Just regular about 10-6:30PM and can skip days when needed.
No no no. I look after my SO
No no no. I look after my SO's kids sometimes and I will in a couple of weeks while he is working and it's a school holiday. I already HAD the day off to look after my son and he'll only be gone an hour. I have looked after them once on a weekend, too when he had to travel for work.
I get his thinking - they'll be in school yatta yatta and you won't have to do anything in work hours. But if there is a good chance that you'll have to interrupt your day to get those kids from school or do a special pick up - then no.
Nope. You are no a jerk.
Nope. You are no a jerk.
If you are working he needs to make alternative arrangements. Riding the school bus is one option. Uber is always a good call.
As for the bill paying. My bride of 24+ years and I have always melded finances. Howerver, a later marriage to a person with multiple prior relationship children injects a caveat into that model that I would seriously consider adjusting. My SS-26 was 15mos old when his mom and I met. We married the week before he turned 2yo. If she had had 3 young teens ..... there would be an entirely different relationship and financial dynamic in our marriage.
Be a Lawyer. Work your 40. Enjoy your life. Help when it makes sense.
Wow, Rags, first time I have not heard you say
Marriage is a partnership, an equity life partnership. But OK.
She needs to start paying all her bills if she wont help with kids.
That's a catch 22 if I ever
That's a catch 22 if I ever heard one.
Pay all your bills or help with my kids... But helping with my kids will stop you from earning an income to pay the bills so you're only allowed to help with my kids because I don't value you being a working woman.
Nice.
Woa,
I said one or the other. Pay your own bills (which you should be able to do). Be a working woman. OR help with the kids. She needs to fish or cut baid.
Good grief. She never said
Good grief. She never said she isn't "paying all her bills"
She said her longterm boyfriend pays "more" of the household bills than she does...as he should since his family accounts for 4/5ths of the people in the household. If she's paying more than 20% of bills for the household, she's supporting and subsidizing him...not the other way around.
Also...they aren't married. So while she supports 3 dependents and helps him build equity in his home, he's likely getting all the tax benefits.
Just stop with your anti-SM nonsense already.
She said she pays "most of her bills"
I am not anti SM. I just think that if you dont want to help, pay your share, not most of your bills.
Nope. That's not what she
Nope. That's not what she said at all. Please improve your reading comprehension skills if you plan to keep commenting...because you do this a lot. Read into what a poster has actually said and make stuff up to support your anti-SM agenda.
What she said was:
"My boyfriend pays more than half of our bills. But in my opinion, that's irrelevant: He should pay most of the bills for a household with himself, his three kids...and me."
She's talking about the bills for their household...not "her" bills. And she is 100% correct. He should absolutely be paying more than half of the household bills. If you want to get technical, he should be paying 80% of the household bills to her 20%.
Let's say they're actually splitting costs 60/40 or 70/30...then she's supporting him and his kids and subsidizing his lifestyle. Not the other way around. She also later said in a comment that she nearly went bankrupt last year doing all of the "extra" stuff that her BF asked her to do for the kids...not sure if that's from missed work because she's watching his kids for him or buying them treats, etc. Either way...she needs to scale way, way back on what she does for BF and his kids.
We also know they aren't married. So she's not entitled to anything if they split...so if she's helping him save $$$ by watching his kids and paying more than her fair share of their household expenses...that's money she'll never see again if they part ways. We don't know if she's on the deed to his house...but it could very well be that she's not...and she's helping him build equity in his home, putting her career on the back burner to care for and watch his kids, subsidizing his expenses and buying extra treats for these kids...all while he gets to fully claim the dependent tax benefits, Head of Household, and mortgage interest tax benefits (worth 10K-20K in most families).
So...again. Just get out of here with your biased, anti-SM ridiculousness. The true problem is...this MAN needs to either pay his fair share for their household and quit expecting his longsuffering girlfriend to tank her career for his kids...or he needs to protect this generous woman's financial future by marrying her.
Many equity life partners
Many equity life partners have full time careers and raise kids. If her work schedule will not accomodate schlepping kids around while her DH is on a sports trip with one of the kids then other arrangements have to be made.
A one off kid doc appointment, etc.... is one thing.
And you are right. I deviated from my usual script. Thanks for realigning me.
No way
I work from home and make most of our income and no way I would keep the kids while DH was out of town. My DH May have originally thought because I work at home I could be the love in nanny. But I made it clear from early on that was a no go. The SSs were disrupting my work and I had to put my foot down. BM still
hates me because I wouldn’t be her free daycare/ nanny. Don’t care.
But, not even my DH would ever ask me to Les his kids while he was out of town. Nope... he could take them all or find other arrangements.
i really don’t see why your DH has such an issue with getting a sitter to help with transportation and keeping an eye on them during your work hours??
I fully agree, SM12
Regarding your last sentence: "I really don't see why your DH has such an issue with getting a sitter..."
It's SO aggravating! I explained more earlier, but basically I think it boils down to a combination of the girls' mom (before she died several years ago) was a SAHM, combined with the fact that he and his wife grew up poor in the panhandle of Texax. No one in their neighborhood hired people to mow the lawn, babysit, clean a house: It was viewed an insane and wasteful.
But now we are successful working professionals in our 40's: Why should I leave work early to clean a toilet, or drive a kid to ballet practice during work and miss an arbitration? It's just bizarre: It faiils the CURRENT cost-benefit analysis of our lives, you know? Now, if one of us lost our job and had an abundance of free time (which might happen if I keep "helping out") that would be different.
Plus, my parents are retired and more than happy to help if asked (they don't have any granddaughters only grandsons, so they are excited to spend time with his kids: I think that's really generous of my parents, to spend their time and money on my BF's children): They get them birthday/Xmas presents and bought them season passes to the pool, plus a lot of other things, like helping us find a new house and taking us on vacation. Why not use them to help?
P.S. I'm listening to a great song from the movie Almost Famous right now. "Mona Lisa" by Elton John, I think.
Your friend is 100% wrong.
Your friend is 100% wrong.
He doesn't get bonus points for paying more bills in a home where 4/5ths of the people are his responsibility!
A lot going on here...but ideally he should be paying 80% of all household bills. Are you on the deed to the house? If I were building equity in a home that I also owned, I'd consider splitting 60/40 or 70/30 until skids aged out...then 50/50 after that. But if you don't own the home and are paying more than 20-25% you're being used big time.
Then there's taxes. Since you aren't married...your SO is likely getting to claim Head of Household plus 3 dependents. That's a huge tax benefit. If I were subsidizing my DH's lifestyle and then he was getting all the financial and tax benefit...I'd be pretty annoyed. Assuming he also claims the mortgage interest on the home?
I'm frustrated for you when I hear that you did so much for his kids last year that you nearly went bankrupt. No...you shouldn't be watching his kids unless you want to...and you have to look out for your own finances first, especially since you aren't married.
Of course she needs to look out for herself.
She might be better off keeping her own place
THANK YOU for INPUT
I have been reading all your comments: Thank you so much for your input and for supporting me! To be a little more clear, I pay about 10-20% of household expenses (groceries, utilities, none of mortgage, but it's a tiny house, so I pay for an office outside the home), plus some extra for the kids' birthday and Xmas presents. I also pay all my own expenses outside of the home: Car, insurance, phone, office, storage for my furniture/books/clothes, dental/medical, clothes, travel, etc. I love his kids and think they're great. He claims them all on taxes and is on deed and mortgage so I'm essentially independent. I am a partial benefiticary on his life insurance (he wanted to make me 30% but I said 10% is good, with girls each entitled to 30% of total payout). I just want us to function like a normal working parent family or like roommates, not some weird combination of a SAHM and maid.
Essentially, I view myself as helping HIM. Even if I do only 10-15 hours a week of "help" (cleaning, taking out trash, helping kids with homework), plus paying the bulk of my own expenses and contributing a bit to family expenses, I think that's EVEN. I did have my own place and am considering getting one again. We will see... He can be a little bossy!
Thanks again, guys! Back to my work!
There were times when I
There were times when I couldn’t miss work and my x couldn’t take the kids. Neither of us got upset about it—and we hired a sitter for our bios.
it’s just not hard.
So much no
Not a jerk. Not even close.
He needs to care for them himself or get a babysitter.
You are not the unpaid help. The sooner he works that out the better.
Not to mention that it makes no financial sense whatsoever.
Stand your ground.
You’re not being a jerk.
I agree with everything you said, about bills, your business, etc. I think it’s wrong for him to pressure you. I doubt he’d like it if the roles were reversed. No grandparents? I bet BMs parents would love to have them?
You're Right - And It's Complicated!
Dear ILUVCHEESE (great name, BTW): It's just a mess with regard to his wife's family. They were in process of divorce (for a multitude of reasons) when she passed away. As a result, the relationship between deceased wife's parents and her sisters (who live several hundred miles away) and my BF is "strained" to say the least. They do mail gifts to the kids and try to stay in touch with phone calls and Facebook, etc.
His family, however, does like to help and take them. Unfortunately, they also live far away. We are in Virginia and his family is mostly in Texas while my family is further north (no one is closer than five hours). Would be great to have some around here (on the other hand, it's kind of nice being independent).