Giving Up?
Dear Step-Talk,
I am SO stressed and tired. This is my situation: My long-term boyfriend is a widower with three tween/teen daughters (12-15). I'm an attorney with a part-time solo practice (it used to be full-time, but I've cut back to help with house/kids). The problem is that he doesn't care and neither do the kids!
I grew up in a normal middle-class household. Two parents, sibling, goldfish, buick in the driveway. He grew up dirt-poor (but now makes a lot of money in IT work). The kids' mom was a homemaker with little education, but she kept house very well, cooked meals, sewed, kept the kids' rooms clean, etc. Then she got sick and everything fell apart. She passed away about 4 years ago. When I met my boyfriend (let's call him Bill) on a dating site, he was overwhelmed.
He was working full time, trying to raise three kids (then, 9-12) on his own. The house was a shambles, you couldn't see the floors in the kids' rooms, they never washed their sheets and bought new socks every month because all their old socks were on their floors! They ate ramen noodles often for dinner because he wasn't home in time to cook. No one cleaned. It was like a frat-house...
Due to my relationship with him (and some of my money and a lot of my time), we now live in a beautiful, cleean house in a lovely neighborhood with good schools (we split the downpayment). The kids are doing better (not perfect) in school.
And he is MISERABLE. He hates that I "made" him leave his falling apart old place, where he was in control. He refuses to buy the kids enough food to eat (because he didn't have it when he was young and poor). He is grouchy and says that I "do nothing to help him." That's insane. Besides giving up several clients and cutting my hours, I spend HOURS and HOURS driving the kids to doctors and therapist visits, on the phone with insurance, taking them to friends' houses, helping with homework. ETC.
He said I don't appreciate him. I think he's INSANE.
AAARGH. I am SO over it. What should I do?
Hugs,
VA GIRLFRIEND
Hello, and welcome.
Hello, and welcome.
Stop doing all that you are doing, if he doesn't appreciate it. He can take it all over.
THANK YOU for INPUT
I think you may be right. I think part of it is a class difference: growing up middle-class, I just think that the kids SHOULD do things like join a soccer team, have new clothes each season as they grow, have a wholesome lunch. He seems to think that these aren't that big of a deal. I think class differences are REAL and are about much more than MONEY.
Lots of poor people have
Lots of poor people have clean homes, clean kids and buy clothes for them as they can, that they keep clean and tidy, and feed their kids good food.
Sounds to me like he's just lazy. But at any rate, they aren't your kids, so don't work harder at it than he does.
TOG
Thanks for your reply. I don't think it's laziness: It's more like an attitude: "I didn't have X when I was a kid. Why should you be spoiled and get X now?" You know? I don't know how to explain it.
Maybe the activities and
Maybe the activities and "things" - but the living in squalor? You'd think he'd want a better life for his kids than that, if that's how he lived as a child.
Honestly, he doesn't sound quite right in his thinking.
What are you getting out of
What are you getting out of this relationship? You had a successful full-time job and cut back for your boyfriend and his brats? And now he's being unappreciative and sullen? Are you kidding?
HE LIKES BEING MISERABLE
I'm starting to think that he really LIKES to be miserable. (Thanks for letting me vent, by the way.) It's almost like, when things are a disaster, that feels GOOD or at least comfortable for him. When things improve (like when my parents hired a gardener to mow the lawns, to take one thing off our plate) he was uncomfortable. He had to adamit that it was helpful, but he didn't like it.
He likes to complain. And I guess I thought that if I fixed the things he complained about (like the cramped house, helping with the kids' activities) he would be HAPPY. NOPE. Not at all. We fixed everything and he's ticked off all the time now! Now he says I'm using him for his money (of course, I don't have as much because I cut back to help with the kids).
SIGH.
VIRGINIA GIRLFRIEND
MAKING LIFE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE
Honestly, I'm starting to really think that he is making our lives miserable ON PURPOSE.
When I worked longer hours (40-45 a week), he complained that I didn't help at all with the kids... I resisted leaving work early to pick up Kid X from band practice, or Kid Y from a field trip, etc. for about two years. But then when I purposely cut back on my hours this year to take a more active role in the family, he complained that I didn't help enough with financials (utlities, food, etc.) and that the financial pressure of raising his family was my fault.
It's like a catch-22: But I think he does it on purpose. I'm starting to suspect that if I did somehting like give him money AND help with the kids, then he'd complain that I was fat. Or that I didn't do enough laundry. Or that he hated my mother or my friend or my haircut or my favorite movies...You know?
AARGH.
VA GIRLFRIEND
Good Question
ShellPell: That is a very good question. What AM I getting out of this arrangement? Well, for the first two years we were together, Bill was very loving and complimentary. He took me to dinner and rubbed my feet and caressed me and told me I was beautiful. Then the more I accepted the relationship the less he reciprocated. It's very weird. It's almost like he WANTS to be a disaster. Like this summer, there was literally NOTHING wrong: He had a great new job with good hours, we had our dream house, the kids were going to academies: And he got progressively angrier and more sullen.
I guess I thought that when things got BETTER (nicer house, better jobs), he would be HAPPIER. Instead, I think he may be a victim mentality.
VA GIRLFRIEND
That's very strange. He needs
That's very strange. He needs therapy. At any rate, you shouldn't be collateral damage just because he has these issues. My DH is STILL loving and rubbing my feet, regularly telling me how much he loves and appreciates me and that's how it should be for you, too. Please do the best for you.
AWW
ShellPell said, "My DH is STILL loving and rubbing my feet..."
Sweet. I'm glad you have such a nice relationship, ShellPell. And thanks for saying, "Please do the best for you."
It really helps...
Agreed, mine does the same.
Agreed, mine does the same. 10 years in and he still doesn't take me for granted. Your DH's thinking is very odd.
He does need therapy...
He does need therapy... either he doesnt believe he is entitled to his success or happiness. Or he is having an affair and trying to make you pull the ttigger
My ex-husband was the same.
My ex-husband was the same. Didn't matter how much I did...ever increasingly more... getting him out of financial trouble...buying a nice house in a nice neighborhood, helping him with his schooling (nearly 100k), helping with his kids, on and on...
He was GREAT when dating...and first 2 years of marriage....but then the complaining, never good enough...then yelling and arguements... then physical violence. Then I caught him cheating. It took YEARS for me to get a divorce and it was horrible. Four sets of tires slashed, power steering line cut, my garbage pulled, security lights shot out, people following me (including him), audio surveillance of my home...
GET OUT before you get further entwined with this poor excuse of a man.
He needs a nanny/houskeeper..
He needs a nanny/houskeeper... not a wife... or in addition to a wife. You need to get back to your business and he needs to hire help to take care of the kids
YOU MAY BE RIGHT
ESMOD: I think you may be right. I think he just needs HELP. But he doesn't want to pay for it.
It sucks for the kids, though, which bothers me.
VA GIRLFRIEND
He sounds like a "glass is half empty" kind of guy, and there's
not much you can do to adjust his attitude.
Some people like being miserable, but misery doesn't have to have company.
You said you're worried about your health, well it's been proven time and time again that negative environments and negative energy accelerate health issues. I think you need to reassess the situation and take a good long look at what is keeping you in this dysfunctional,negative mess.
And to another poster's point, yes, you can be poor but extremely clean and organized, and vice versa. Income doesn't dictate or determine level of cleanliness or tidiness.
It sounds like your life was relatively low-stress before taking all of this on. What makes you happy? Working more, or being in this chronic state of stress? It's time for a "check up from the neck up."
He really won't buy the kids enough food?
He really won't buy the kids enough food to eat? "He refuses to buy the kids enough food to eat (because he didn't have it when he was young and poor)." I'm guessing you do buy them enough so they aren't hungry? No matter what his personal issues are, it is pretty messed up to not buy your kids enough food to eat. I think that might be deal breaker for me.
I have a male friend who doesn't believe he deserves to be happy. Even when things are going well, he will not feel happy. He has been to therapy and realizes it comes from his childhood, but he still sometimes can't help the way he feels. But, he doesn't act on it. He doesn't make those around him miserable just because he doesn't always feel happy and content when he should.
If the first wife died four
If the first wife died four years ago there could also be some unresolved grief in the mix. She died. He couldn't do for the kids like it was before so he went to a dating site and found you. Now that you are making life better, he feels guilty for remarrying.
Counseling for everyone.
Two options:
Two options:
1. strongly encourage your boyfriend into therapy preferably indivdual as well as couples therapy with you, if he refuses move to option 2
or..
2. consult a lawyer about selling the house and splitting any other assests and move on with your life. He will sink or swim, it is up to him.
He needs professional help to deal with his insecurity issues and why he is pushing you away. If he won't get help, then it is time to move on.
btw, if you are done with
btw, if you are done with this whole situation, it is absolutely not your job to hold his hand through therapy. You can move on knowing that you provided stability and a nice home for these children and tried your absolute best to make the relationship work.
Rescue projects rarely work
Rescue projects rarely work out to well for the rescuer.
Please don't jeopardize your financial and professional status for this failed father and his troubled children.
Move on.
Take care of you.
He sounds like an emotional
He sounds like an emotional vampire, he taking any and all happy feelings from the house and making everyone unhappy.
Any 'normal' person who has grown up poor will do everything in their power to make their childrens life better.
How are his children towards you, are they happy, are they respectful towards you and everything you do for them. If they are I may feel inclinded to keep the children and get rid of the DH.
I would be careful about stopping doing things for the children as they have already lost their mother, their father sounds unavailable to them and YOU are the one who is feeling that parent role. You don't want to add to their issues by abandoning them as well. I'm not saying he shouldn't be stepping up and being a better parent and person.
WHOA! I do NOT agree with
WHOA! I do NOT agree with this AT ALL.
Is OP supposed to care for her boyfriend's kids until the end of time, because they lost their mother? It sounds like OP may be reconsidering the relationship; should she stay in an unhappy relationship, because they lost their mother? What if OP regrets sacrificing her legal practice (and income) and wants to go back to 40-45 hours a week (which, honestly is pretty low for a full-time attorney)? Should she not because they lost their mother?
Seriously? OP is not even married to her boyfriend, nor is she their parent. OP should NOT feel shame or guilt about the care of children that are not hers if she decides to step back or if she decides to leave the relationship!
Agree with this
the fact their bio mum died although very sad to hear, should not ever guilt the op into staying or laying down the law because of their feelings...
thats entitlement and what? They’re gonna use mummy dying as an excuse for every f*#k up in life? That’s ridiculous
she’s not responsible for their feelings, op can be empathetic that they lost a mum but it doesn’t change the fact they aren’t pleasant to deal or live with
Sadly, as much as you love
Sadly, as much as you love these kids, this is a toxic situation for you. Take care of yourself and move on. You can maintain contact through mail and when they are adults you can have a relationship with them when you can explain why you left their father.
Take care of you.
I know everyone is talking
I know everyone is talking about therapy etc and he sounds like he definitely needs it.
I would personally run for the hills and never look back.
i am a step dad to 3 and have a daughter with my partner. I have sacrificed so much, I've changed jobs many times and I've even left a job so she could work because that's what she wanted (at the time) I try to put them all first and all I get is backlash and if I were in a better position I would be long gone.
when I was working, I wasn't helping enough
now I'm off work completely (for the second time in a year I might add) I'm still not doing enough. I bathe the kids, do most of the chores, do my sd's hair and in all of that I try to find quality time as well because I'm usually overloaded with things to do.
He and his kids should be appreciative of all you do
Why the heck should you be appreciative of the skids when they enjoy living in squalor?? They are slobs and he wants you to appreciate them for that? I just can’t get my head around that??
now he blames you for not financially taking care of HIS KIDS.. you know, the one that only HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR!!
He’s absolutely using you as an atm, you make life easier for him and pick up the slack and make the finances easier for him... this isn’t an ideal environment for you to bring your own kids into if you choose to have kids one day.
when my now 21yr old ss since years ago decided to dump his trash on the floor (takeaway food) and skewer sticks etc, i simply messaged hubby at work with a pic of the mess and said “i have 2 toddlers at home, if you don’t fix this now and one of our kids starts injuring themselves or one another with these skewer sticks or starts rummaging through this rubbish because your adult child can’t be bothered to empty the trash full of his crap, i will jam the skewer stick up his pee hole”
i was being dramatic and sarcastis in saying that, but hubby knew ss was being a lazy disrespectful piece of shit and made him empty trash immediately and ensured whenever ss was back from university that he emptied the trash daily of washed the cars.
living in a clean home is just being decent and civil, no one truly wants to live in squalor with bugs and rats running around...
So he is jealous and
So he is jealous and resentful because you actually make money ? Usually these divorcess with kids only seek out those with money but end up resenting them for it.