Feeling torn between emotions
I recently married and became step-mom to my husbands two boys, ages 17 and 8. They are both good kids for the most part but I find myself becoming more and more frustrated because of the way my husband deals with his youngest. A little back ground, the short story. He left his ex because she was a nut case and subsuquenlty left his boys with her. CPS called him one day to pick them up because she had left them for a week without food and his oldest was arrested for stealing food from a local grocery store. Yes, there are some serious issues that I believe the boys have not worked through but for the most part they are coping. We have a loving home but one with out much structure because my husband is very Lax when it comes to that. I have tried and tried to keep up with them on homework, eating dinner together, having them help out around the house and it goes well for a couple of days but I'll admit, I am the only one that works on it and DAMNIT I am tired of being the only one. I am feeling guilty for losing interest in trying to keep up with his boys all time. His oldest is failing almost all of classes in highschool, mainly because he spends about 98% of his time on video games. His father tells him to get on the ball and then basically does nothing about it. I told him if thinks he plans on spending the next summer sitting around in his room playing video games all day and all night, which is what he did last summer, he has another thing coming. His youngest would watch tv all day if he had the chance, I have hidden the remote. Okay I am rambling. Bottom line is I told my husband that I am giving up on trying to be so engulfed when no one really cares. I have three children of my own that I also put my time into and not nearly as much as I would like, thankfully they are thinkers and are motivated. So I guess my question is Do I not worry about trying to dicipline and keep up with their school work and leave it up to him?
Losing my mind!!
You are going to learn a lot
You are going to learn a lot about disengaging from this site. It will be a blessing for you.
One thing that I will add, is that you need to have a sit down with your DH and go over what happens when SS doesn't graduate this year. Where is he going to live? Is he going to get a GED? Is he going to go back to HS again next year? --- Get on the same page with this and make sure that SS is aware that you have a plan for him to launch. Have him sign a contract along with your DH. HOLD THEM TO THE CONTRACT, but let the actions to lead them to SS moving out, or getting a GED or taking night school to catch up be on them.
I thankyou for your response.
I thankyou for your response. The idea of disengaging myself from trying to be their parent hadnt even crossed my mind. I have been spending so much time trying to parent and getting upset over failed results that I have lost sight of other things in my life that need WAY more focus than what I can do for HIS kids.
How old were the boys when
How old were the boys when your DH got custody from their mother? How long have you been dating/together with your DH?
The bottom line is that we can't care more than the parents. And you appear to at some level have a poor parent in your DH. Instead of you trying to move in and "set expectations" for his sons directly.. I think you instead need to set expectations with your husband on what you will and won't tolerate in your home.
For his younger son.. if he isn't doing well in school.. ask your husband how he thinks his son will progress in life with a crappy education? That his not caring is going to cause his kid problems in the long run.
HOnestly, I would have a hard time respecting a man who couldn't parent his kids. If they need help with school.. he should be getting them help. You are not their mother.. it is NOT your job to parent them.. and efforts to do so when your DH won't is only going to net you a lifetime of resentment from ALL of them.
the 17 yo is darn near out of school. Instead of kvetching to dad about the boy's video habit or telling the boy anything directly.. ask your husband what are his plans for when his older son turns 18. What happens if he doesn't graduate? Where will the boy live? Because you will not tolerate an adult in your home without a job and not going to school etc...
My husband gained custody of
My husband gained custody of them in the middle of 2017. He has a restraining order against their mother. I am taking in everything your saying Believe me, I appreciate it. My husband has voiced his dislike for having to deal with anyting involving school. Who went to parent conferences for his kids? I did. Who drives his kid to school and picks him up every day? I do. I know, I know. I need to STOP. I am also going to school and work full time and I would like to start going to the gym. I rarely have time to myself and its starting to break me. How do I disengage without seeming like a complete bitch? How do I disengage at all?
Just start stepping back over
Just start stepping back over the next few months/ weeks. They have a conference- DH, I can't be there you need to. If DH says he can't tell him that he needs to call and reschedule for a time that will work for him then.
Why aren't they riding the bus? If the bus is an option, rides are over. Hop on boys! It doesn't matter if you still drive yours to school.
Homework- Don't even ask anymore. The less you know the better for your spirit.
Report Cards- Hey guys, hand that to dad. He needs to sign it.
Shortly after I moved in with
Shortly after I moved in with my SO, I started to notice all kinds of things that were just not going to work for me. Things like skids not cleaning up after themselves, the house being a disgusting mess and no one caring, and I would be there trying to make it all decent. I knew that if this kept up I would snap, so I talked to my SO and flat out said, THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME...things need to change, skids need to help out, you need to get on them, or I can guarantee I will become resentful and unhappy. He absolutely dragged his feet, but I cornered him one day with a piece of paper and told him to start listing chores for skids to do. We made the list and things around the house are night and day different. I know I'm lucky in that aspect because it doesn't always work. I guess what I'm suggesting is, you can be honest and tell him this is too much for you. He needs to step up. These are HIS kids!!! At the same time, disengage from it like others suggested.
Your DH knows what he's doing. He knows these are his kids, but he is letting you do the heavy lifting with skids because, well, you aren't telling him no. He probably can't believe his luck because you are just willing to step up and do it. Just remember, your happiness matters too, and it is perfectly acceptable to stand up for yourself and say no.
Back to back story
Did your DH see his kids when he left them with BM. ? Seams like DH really does not want to parent his kids. He very happy to let someone else do the hard work for him. First Rule is, you can not do more then birth parents !!! Does not matter that he does not like what goes on at school. He must go to parents/ Teachers conferences, back to school night. His choice to have kids, now he has to take care of them.
If you don’t make him take some responsibility for his kids, he will not do it himself. You are opting yourself up for a world of hurt. SK will always have a connection with BM. Someday all your hard work will go down the drain. When they want to go back to BM house, where all the fun is
Do you think he would have gone for custody....
...if he were not married to you? I agree with what everyone is saying that he doesn't want to parent his kids. So even though the situation was rather dire, I wonder what he would have done if he didn't have you to handle things? Most likely he would've had to figure it out! Though it's sad he left them with his ex in the first place - he should have fought for them years ago.
Forget the kids for now. Take
Forget the kids for now. Take all the work you did for those two kids and put it into training your husband. You'll be putting twice the pressure on the one person who has the authority AND obligation to parent.
So when your husband tells the kid to improve his grades, you pull your husband aside and gently remind him to apply consequences (no TV until his grades are up). If your husband chooses not to apply consequences, your SS and husband will continue struggling, but YOU DID YOUR PART and it's no longer your problem.
Every time your husband brings up SS's grades, remind him (gently) that kids don't naturally like to study. Without consequences, they won't just do it because he asks. After you've had enough of hearing your husband go on about SS's grades, tell him you don't want to hear it because HE hasn't done anything to leverage the kid to study. And then you go to the gym and enjoy yourself.
I came around to this after years of my husband's non-parenting. Help him out -- tell your husband how to get the results he wants -- but then leave it to him to do it or you'll drive yourself mad. When you're spent, leave the mess to him to sort out.
But over the years, as you see this sorting out not happening, start to let him know your expectations: "I don't know how SS will get a job next year when he graduates, but you had better let him know he is not welcome if he's not working or in school."
Your husband will ignore this, of course, as long as he can. He'll think he has years to fix SS's lack of motivation. But as that time gets closer, you ramp up your reminder of whatever your expectations are regarding the skids' future. Don't let your husband forget for a moment that his skids won't live in your basement forever.
Women who do this are called harpies and bitches. Ignore that. If you were a man, they'd pat you on the back and say you're imposing your authority and laying down the law.
You can't walk away easily because you're married, so do what you need to do to get your household the way you want it. If that means calling a spade a spade or setting a boundary your husband might not like, so be it. He's not doing a thing to change the dynamic, so you might as well.