Are we kinda hard wired to be repulsed by other peoples' kids?
SO has never seemed to like my kid(12). When pressed, he says he "doesn't dislike him." However, I have heard many criticisms of my son from this man- he eats too much, poops too much, he cries too easily (too sensitive, can't take a joke), is dirty, doesn't take care of things, hangs out in his room too much, manipulates and plays me too much, stays up too late...etc. etc.
Recently, my kid busted by $1000 Macbook I bought a year ago (with my tax return- all my $$). It broke, and I am assuming it's from him dropping it multiple times. Yes- bad boy. Bad, bad boy. I lectured him up and down about not respecting my things. It's what started a recent fight with SO- seemed like he was DYING to bask in it. To say "I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HIM USE THAT COMPUTER." I feel like he is happy it broke because he got to be right about my kid. He kept saying passive aggressive crap like "I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING- YOUR MONEY, YOUR COMPUTER- YOUR KID- I'M NOT GONNA HAVE AN OPINION..." Really? Do you think I am some kind of mental midget? Clearly you are having a gloating moment, and at the same time pretending not to "have an opinion."
It all has me thinking- along with other things I have read- maybe we are instinctively programmed to reject children who are not our own. I can't think of any other reason it would be so hard to accept and love my son.
My kid is sweet and compassionate. He is resilient. he survived his parents' splitting when he was 7 (and constant parental conflict leading up to said divorce), and moving around with me, living with family until I could get a house of my own. He has stayed on the honor roll, has friends, done sports, plays music, reads several grades above his own. He likes going for walks with me and hearing stories about my childhood, or when he was a baby. He likes to watch the news and talk politics. He likes to talk and learn about everything. And he is kind and compassionate. When he was helping me dig a fire put in the back yard, he worried for hours about the safety and well being of a worm he had dug up. He's such a sweet soul. That's the kid that I see- beautiful and kind and smart and loving. And I can't beleive he is the same kid who apparently chews so loudly, my SO becomes disgusted to the point he has to leave the room. And the same kid who diabolically manipulates his mother to bend her to his will with his overplayed and phony emotions.
I grew up in blended families. With stepparents and half siblings and stepsiblings galore. SO did not, I had stepparents who resented me and bashed me to my parents when I was a child. I desperately want to protect my son from that pain. SO thinks I am overreacting. Thinks we can talk this through without fighting. Thinks they can figure out their relationship. We have only been living together for a year and a half.
Growing pains?
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Maybe your SO is just an ass.
Maybe your SO is just an ass. Maybe he's jealous because your kid is a good kid and his kid is, well, a convicted felon and a drug addict, correct?
correct
I think the situation with his own son does play into this.
As I mentioned in my comment
As I mentioned in my comment below...I don't have kids but am very close to my niece and nephews...this is the closest I get.
I always used to hang out with them when my DH went out of town on business and not really tell him about it. He was hyper-critical of them...which I always found offensive as I put up with his kids with grace and support for 1/3+ of every year.
About 2 years ago at Thanksgiving...DH apologized to me for treating my niece and nephews in this way and "not being a good Uncle with me" toward them. He admitted to being overly-critical of them and said he had so much guilt from his divorce that he almost felt like it was "cheating" on his own kids to enjoy spending time with someone else's...so he had to be critical and keep them at arms' length.
He apologized for all of this and told me he wanted to do better and be a part of their lives with me. He has made good on this and is beloved by these kids now (he really is very good with kids). I am grateful...it has made my inability to have kids with him more bearable for me. And, interestingly, it's made his kids less repulsive to me in turn.
Not saying this is what's going on with your DH...but often I do think there are multi-faceted, complex explanations for behavior. Maybe your DH will come to his senses and make it good with you like mine did...I hope so.
You may be right on the money
You may be right on the money here. I do think there is an element of that- his own 3 sons are attached to their mother- the divorce was finalized about a year ago- and my SO worships his own sons. I think, whether he is aware of it or not, it's his way of keeping them first.
So sorry…
you are in the position of stepparenting while not being capable of having bios. I know the pain of that. My DH & I eventually saw a fertility specialist & successfully had 2 babies, but it was a lot of work with a lot of pain & loss (over a pretty long period of time). It is asuper long story, as most fertility issues are, so if you ever want to chat just private message me. Otherwise just saying so sorry. I know the emptiness & pain, the void, & when your spouse doesn’t have that too it is unbearable at times. I think ourlosses & struggles made myDH happier to have his daughter, which only made it all the more painful for me. It’s such a horrible thing. I hate there’s someone else out there that is going through dealing with skids while not being able to have bios. It’s 1 thing if you don’t want kids, but when you do & cant it’s brutal Wishing you & your family the best.
I don't think it's growing
I don't think it's growing pains. I think, to some degree, you're right... It's natural to be repulsed by stepkids because they're the byproduct of your husband/wife's sex with another person. They're here to take your resources - time, money, energy, attention. They're a constant reminder of your husband/wife's past life and they're draining all of your resources. They don't have any of your traits, looks, DNA, nothing at all to make it easier to stomach giving so much of your life to them.
It's biology. I know it's awful, but I think that's just how it is. I know my SD is a good kid, but sometimes I look at her and think she's the creepiest thing around. Just something about the way she moves, the faces she makes, gives me the creeps. She's a pretty girl, and in fact, has a similar appearance to my son, but... I don't know... It's gotta be something deep-rooted.
Good stepparents know how to hide this, though. We don't act disgusted or leave the room over little things. We don't rub it in our partner's face that their kid has flaws (just like EVERY HUMAN ON EARTH has flaws). We keep these things to ourselves because it's mean not to.
Does your SO get space from your child? Knowing that it's pretty biologically normal to be bothered by someone unrelated to you living with you, I think it's important to make sure your SO has time to unwind and be away from your son. Is your room off-limits? Is he able to watch the TV while your son goes and plays in his room?
This is incredibly insightful and well said
Thanks so much for this response. Yes- my son stays in his room much of the time, and SO is free to be in a different part of the house or leave- also, my son is only with us half the week. His dad and I are 50/50 with custody and time. So it's not like he is stuck with him all the time.
Love this explanation! I
Love this explanation! I struggle sometimes with negative feelings about my SS’s when they aren’t around. I think it’s easier when they’re not here to focus on the fact that they’re a byproduct of my husbands past, and the fact that at one point he actually found his ex attractive enough to produce children. The thought of it makes my stomach churn.
Luckily though I enjoy the boys & those thoughts go out the window when they’re actually around (for now anyways lol, they’re only 6 & nearly 9).
OP, like a lot of other posters have said, I think there’s a lot happening here. Your SO is most likely carrying guilt about his son, and maybe feels guilty enjoying your sons company so instead pushes him away. There’s a lot of valuable insight in this thread.
The only person you can control, however, is yourself. A friend of mine once said that her job as her sons mother is to prepare him as best she can to be a competent, fully functioning adult when he leaves the nest. You really do need to have more of a spine with your son.
At the moment, he knows his tears work when he’s in trouble. He also knows he can break things with no real consequences.That is manipulation, and you can’t cave to it. He’s not a ‘bad’ kid for manipulating you, every kid tries it as they grow up, but it’s up to you to stop it in it’s tracks & teach him to be accountable for his actions.
Yes there is an element of
Yes there is an element of that primal envy that she had THREE of his kids and he and I met in our 40s when it was too late to have children together. So I know that's the case on my end- and I wonder if this is part of what is driving him as well.
Yes- I am working on my backbone with my own kid. I know he is not perfect.
Well ... it sounds like your
Well ... it sounds like your SO has a beef with your parenting, just as many do on here with their spouses.
for sure he is criticizing my
for sure he is criticizing my parenting. His bedtime is too late for me to police- I don;t stay on him enough about his manners, etc. And i allow him to manipulate me and it drives him crazy. I think to some extent, all of our children have us wrapped around their finger. SS plays SO like a finely tuned violin!
Right - so that's the most
Right - so that's the most common complaint on this board - the spouse doesn't parent their kid in a way that feels reasonable. So I don't think this is about being hard-wired to be repulsed by other people's kids, so much as DH would like you to be a more consistent parent.
It's annoying to eat with a kid with poor manners, or have a kid up too late and disrupting the house or refusing to get up in the morning. And it's hard to watch someone allow their kid to manipulate.
And no - not all parents are "wrapped around" their child's finger. Good parents take charge and keep charge. If he doesn't parent his own son well, then he's got no ground to stand on, but you might be wise to look at your own parenting and how it affects your SO.
Nope not all parents are
Nope not all parents are wrapped around their kids finger. While I have a higher tolerance for and enjoy my son more than other people would I also find it upsetting more when he misbehaves then when other kids do. I want him to be a successful adult and well liked person and misbehavior needs to be corrected for that to happen to the fullest extent. Idk about the chewing and stuff, but if he thinks you are being manipulated I'd say that's likely true and that's the main issue and the other things are just adding to it. Honestly some of the wording of the post makes me inclined to think that probably he is dealing with what alot of stepparents here complain about with skids being being treated as a poor COD - ie talking about what hes "survived."
Exactly. Good parents PARENT
Exactly. Good parents PARENT because they know that's what's best for their kids. They don't allow their own feelings to get in the way of setting limits.
I read this part back to
I read this part back to myself and I get it- yes my language about his survival was a little dramatic but the context is trhat SO's parents are STILL together after a 50 year marriage, and SSs were all adults before their parents split. So I feel like he needs to be more compassionate toward a kid who had to go through something at the age of 7 that he and his kids did not. He has to go back and forth between mom and dad's house every week. He doesn't complain about it, or cry about his parents' divorce. He is a strong kid- I'm proud of him. That was the point.
If its something actually
If its something actually relating to the divorce or legitimate to be upset about of course he should gave compassion for it. My parents divorced when I was a kid myself and my sons dad hasn't seen him in nearly 4 years so I'm not completely cold to that. But honestly it sounds like hes adjusted to it and the divorce was 5 years ago. I dont see how anything you posted that hes done has anything to do with the divorce and kind of exemplifies what I was talking about in the last post about how stepparents see COD being treated. Most of the time the fact that he has divorced parents just flat out isn't relevant.
OK- this is fair. I will take
OK- this is fair. I will take the COD stuff out of the discussion. Thanks.
As 'hard as it was to read
As 'hard as it was to read this, if I'm being honest with myself, it's fair.I have limited parenting experience, and I have too much guilt to lay down the law with my kid the way I probably should. But it's also hard to have the discussion without bringing up his own son who has stolen from us and everyone else and is facing prison- and he still indulges him. So yea- 2 of 3 of his sons are doing OK- but the other one doesn;t even seem to know right from wrong, and SO coddles and enables him to his own detriment, So the loud eating and carelessness and the late bedtimes (he always gets up for school) seem pretty insignificant next to the monumental failure that is SS22. So he lacks some credibility with me. And I always see ulterior motives to hsi pointing out my kid's little flaws.
Well, like I said, he may not
Well, like I said, he may not have a leg to stand on.
But you are essentially saying, "you hate my kid", instead of addressing his concerns.
You are right about that, and
You are right about that, and it's not productive. We are talking after work and I need to approach it differently.
I appreciate your non
I appreciate your non-defensiveness!
Because you are being honest
Because you are being honest and taking the time to help- not attacking me. And you are 100% correct. I noticed that I was doing this yesterday- over and over- very impulsively, and it is not fair. It;s unfair fighting. I'm a social worker- a licensed therapist- and I intellectually know how to communicate better. But the mama bear thing has come out and eclipsed any good therapeutic sensibiities. I just see red. I am being passive aggressive and immature and it needs to stop. I need to breathe and stop reacting. The outside perspectives are helping me see the big picture, and the role I play in the dysfunction.
I'm sure it is annoying and
I'm sure it is annoying and possibly he is nitpicking at times. But at the same time, if you are guilt parenting (which it's great you can admit to) it's possible your kid could be headed down that road also and I would be way more worried about that then and putting a stop to it. I get it though, I've had to deal with the my kid vs your kid dynamic also and it causes alot of tension. I'd still make parenting yours the best you can the priority and honestly at times SO may be seeing things you cant as clearly because you feel guilty or because it's your own kid and you can use it to your advantage to take his feedback and look at if its legitimate or not. For example my DH instantly freaks out if SD is crying whereas I can usually tell when shes fake crying to manipulate him (which she does frequently) or legitimately upset. To me the fake crying is really over the top and obviously different than when shes actually upset but DH just sees tears and instantly panics and feels guilty.
I'm really impressed that you
I'm really impressed that you are able to step back and honestly look at things objectively and recognize you have room to change. I think if all bio parents that are re-married/in a relationship would do this, many of the complaints on this board could be easily worked through. It's about being open-minded and trusting that your partner doesn't have bad intentions.
First, let me say that it's unfair that your DH is able to criticize SS, while his son is a train wreck and he is defensive about that. Double-standards are bullshit. He could definitely benefit from the aforementioned objective parenting. Now, if you take his son out of the equation, I do get where he's coming from. My SO's kids are great, and I do realize that. SD is very considerate, gives things to others that she originally really wanted for herself, will ask SS if he wants the last ice-cream instead of eating it for herself...she plays with everyone, the list goes on. SS can be sensitive and care about others, he asks about work sometimes, raves about my cooking, is funny. But for some reason, the negative qualities are the ones that stick out more and grate on my nerves. I guess that's true about most things in life, isn't it, unless we train our thinking to focus on the best. We are often quicker to complain about something than talk about something positive that happened during the day. I think the same applies to step-life. You see all of SS's good qualities, but since DH doesn't have that biological bond, the bad things that he sees repeatedly grate on him. I do try to keep my mouth shut and not say things to my SO, but it's hard. I see both SD and SS acting helpless so my SO does things for them, I see SS staying up too late when his bedtime should be earlier IMO, I see him eating like a pig and dropping food all over the house, and my SO refusing to punish him for things that deserve a punishment. I get the frustration. I'm not sure we are wired to be repulsed by other people's kids? But we certainly aren't wired to love them and overlook their flaws the way a bio parent can.
I know you said you were going to talk to DH about this tonight. I'm wondering if maybe phrasing it in a way that allows for introspection on his part as well might help you- "DH, I've been thinking about things that bother you about my BS and I can see where you're coming from. I feel some guilt and admit I let things go. I can see how that could bother you and be frustrating. I think I have some of the same frustrations regarding your BS, but if we both are able to look at how we handle our sons objectively and admit we could do better and attempt to make changes when appropriate, we can help alleviate some of our frustrations". Something like that.
I wish my SO would be open to this. Things like him not punishing SS when he repeatedly turns on his data on his phone after wifi shuts off so he can stay up past his bedtime. It's not like I expect him to beat SS with a belt, but a losing a few days of his phone/video games is not going to kill the kid. He just gets sooo defensive and his instinct is to object and make excuses. Sometimes to the point where he sounds dense in his denial. But he thinks he must stuck with it and defend SS! No one is saying he's a terrible kid, but often times we see things the bio parent doesn't.
I do believe there is a part
I do believe there is a part of natural drive that wants to see our own offspring survive and thrive over others. In the wild, boys of other parentage.. are pushed out. So... yes there is "some" of that going on.
But, there is also some amount of unflappable mother's love that has you on the other side of the coin.
From reading a bit between the lines.. your boy is probably not really different than most kids. He has his annoying side.. but sweet side. He doesn't have the best manners and isn't the most careful with things. ie dropping things multiple times. you brush over that in that he is "just a kid" but those things aggravate your DH.
I mean, I get his point.. a slob of an eater.. a kid who is careless with other people's stuff.. and probably his own.. that's not something to celebrate.. but you are able to compartmentalize that and celebrate the good nuggets of his soul.
Now.. even though there may be some biological urges for your DH to kill the child of another man.. and you have a biological urge to protect your son from all things.. .both of you are sentient beings that have the ability and in your situation.. obligation to move outside of your primal urges to create a harmonious home.
That means HE stops nit picking and seeing only the faults. It means YOU step up and get your kid to learn how to exhibit better manners and behavior. You say you see your son isn't perfect.. but you react like a lionness to the though that your DH doesn't believe your son is the second coming of Ghandi... and that his sparkling soul outweighs those small flaws. Your DH needs to learn how to appreciate some of your sons good qualities and stop focusing on his shortcomings.. if that is all he looks for.. that is all he will see.
I really appreciate this
I really apprecaite this response because it was so carefgully weighed and thought through- both perspectives and both sides are considered. Thank you. You're correct- I have a hard time getting my kid to have better table manners and more respect for material things. Even as I lectured him about the broken computer, he flops face down on his bed and starts crying and I find myself apologizing to him and saying material things aren't as important as him. He melts my heart when he gets sad and cries- and the same behavior makes SO want to vomit in his lap and shake me into his reality.
I don't spank and I don't ground. Lectures are how I was raised and they are all I know- and they don't work on my kid- well- sometimes they work. He called me a pig a few years back and I gave him a lecture from hell until he was in the fetal position in the corner- and he never disrespected me that way again. But I can't convince him that table manners and material possessions are also important.
We used to send SD upstairs
We used to send SD upstairs until we were finished eating when she wasn't using table manners. Very effective and took only 2-3 days of being sent upstairs to remember. Sure, it's easy to forget, but only if there's no consequence for forgetting. In the real world, though, there are consequences for forgetting your social etiquette...
You don't want your son to be made fun of or unable to find a girlfriend, do you? Lol I get it. My son is my world and I hate giving him consequences, but I do it (as much as you can with a 15 month old) because it's important for his development. At his age, I can't do much, but yesterday he hit the cat and I put him in my husband's arms and walked away to give the cat love.
He cried and cried and I was almost in tears because I felt so bad. I always go to my son when he wants me, but he needs to learn that hitting the cat is not okay and mom will go to the cat instead of him when he does it. He's a momma's boy and constantly wants to be held in my arms so I think he got the point. It broke me, though lol.
You gotta give consequences when they're called for. It's so important.
In the end.. the things that
In the end.. the things that your DH sees as objectionable.. like the table manners.. are things that are going to be a problem for your son in other settings. He is on a job interview lunch.. smacking with his mouth open.. grabbing food with hands? Uh.. no job. He eats like a pig.. he won't be a welcome dinner guest. It will impact his ability to make friends.. Careless with expensive things.. even cheap things.. he costs your household money.. he may end up breaking other people's stuff and costing you MORE money.
Bottom line is that as a parent your first responsibility is to raise a kid that other people will want to be around. Right now.. I think that's kind of lacking. And I think you do need to tune up your parenting a bit. lectures are fine.. and he should know WHY he is getting in trouble. But reasonable consequences.. for actions should be part of your tool bag. and.. stop being a softy.. he has learned tears stop the "punishment".
He doesn't eat nicely at the table? guess he can leave the table with no dinner... if he is asked nicely to be polite.. and after a reminder or two.. that's no more dinner.. time to go straight to bed.
He back talks you? Well buddy.. No TV tonight.
He breaks something.. he has to do some extra chores to "repay" you.. perhaps he needs to give you money towards a repair... reduced allowance.. not getting to go to the movie this weekend etc?
Words alone may not be enough to modify his behavior.
I think that material
I think that material possessions aren't that important, actually...but that's not really what's at stake here.
It's not a matter of...do I love my son more or my laptop more. Obviously, you love your son more.
It's a matter of...do I love my son enough to hold him accountable for his behavior and teach him to be respectful and careful with other people's things (and his own). Do I love him enough to teach him gratitude.
The laptop is just a symptom of the problem. You don't punish him because you're "mad" that he broke your laptop. You hold him accountable for his actions because you want him to become a good person.
This is very eloquent. You
This is very eloquent. You are 100% correct and I thank you for this perspective.
lol.
lol.
I'm the oldest of 6 and had very, very good parents...so I got to see this in action. I should have gotten to be a mom
In general, I'm a big softie with kids (even my skids, who aren't my fave)...but when I see them behaving in a way that will harm them in the future, I know how to shut that down.
Truthfully, your son may not be manipulative at all. He may receive these lectures...and genuinely feel bad about his behavior...but as a child he has no way to make it right or "fix it" in his mind. I'm sure he knows you love him very much...but lectures and talking-tos can result in unresolved guilt. He knows he's done wrong...but what is he supposed to do about that? It's a problem with no solution...no way out. So he cries out of confusion and frustration and you respond by telling him it's not really a big deal...and then he's more confused.
I'd present it to him in these terms. What he did was careless and thoughtless. You know he didn't "mean" to break your laptop...but he didn't mean not to. You want him to grow up to be a strong, responsible person who takes care of things...especially other peoples' things. You want him to be trustworthy. So..you're going to make a chart with chores and $$$ value and give him an opportunity to "make it right" with you.
This kind of plan gives him responsibility for the wrong (which you gave him with the lecture) but it also gives him an opportunity to correct it...which he doesn't currently have.
Yeah...I do think so.
Yeah...I do think so.
I don't have kids, but my DH is often overly-critical of my niece and nephews...for things his own kids did without correction when they were much, much older than these kids.
I mean. His kids were hitting and scratching each other well into their late teens...and I'm not being PollyAnna here...but I've never once seens my niece or nephews hit their siblings. Maybe they are all out hellians and fighting constantly at home...but at least in public/at extended family's houses they are very well-behaved and play together nicely. My teen skids used to punch each other in public regularly and DH didn't see it.
So weird.
I think that there is an
I think that there is an evolutionary drive to protect "self" Your thoughts are probably correct. In the animal kingdom resident males in a lion pride will fight to the death if threatened by an outside male. If a new male takes over, he will kill the cubs to which he is not biologically related. Obviously, humans don't want to kill their skids, however, there could be this vestige of preservation of "the self"
We all have atavistic
We all have atavistic programming to reject offspring that isn't our own. That's simple biology, as is a parent's ability to overlook their offspring's shortcomings. (Still, some animals do eat their young. I wonder if they know something we don't?)
It's not uncommon for there to be tension between stepfather and stepson, or stepmother and stepdaughter . The reasons vary, but at bottom may be vestiges of atavistic response. However, in your situation it may have more to do with the fact that your H's son is a piece of excrement and you've been very vocal about his issues. So, there may be some tit for tat going on.
Your challenge is to ignore your H's poor behavior, and raise a well-adjusted son who possesses the life skills necessary to succeed in life without indulging him. Did he receive a punishment for damaging something so valuable?
Haha I love this group.
Haha I love this group.
No- he received the lecture- "I told you to be careful and you dropped it over and over. I told you not to eat while you used it but you ate whle using it over and over and got food and gunk in it. I have seen you walking around carrying it by the corner with your fingers- now it's broken. And I can't afford to go run out and fix it.."
I don;t know how to punish a 12 year old. Besides not running out and fixing it and giving it back to him. I'm thinking I will fix it and he will no longer be allowed to use it.
Make him do chores to earn
Make him do chores to earn money for the fix.
My SS took my bike and rode it over to his mom's house...leaving it in the front yard even though we'd told him 100 times he had to take it into the garage or onto the screened in porch.
Welp. It got stolen...and it was a $600 bike. Now, I happened to win the bike in a raffle at a charity event that I went to...so it was $50 to me (5 ten-dollar tickets). When DH was upset about the bike being stolen, SS mentioned this. It only "cost" TwoOfUs $50 though so it's no big deal!!!
DH gave him a quick lesson in the concept of replacement cost...and SS had to mow our lawn and do other yard work all summer to work off the bike. Because the attitude stunk and DH wanted to nip the entitlement and disregard for other peoples' property in the bud.
SS is still fairly entitled...but at least I saw DH trying.
I must say, it's nice seeing
I must say, it's nice seeing bioparents coming here and taking feedback to help improve their relationship and better understand the way things are from a stepparent's point of view. Keep it up and you (and your blended family) will be just fine. <3
Amen.
Amen.
It's what happens when people don't get defensive and are able to keep the bigger picture in mind.
I empathize with this poster because I know it must be hard to have dealt with so much with your SS...just to have your DH turn around and be overly-critical of YOUR kid.
But. That doesn't mean the Stepdad's complaints are wrong...even if they're not coming from a good place. I think most parents want to do right by their kids and teach them how to be good people. From what I've seen, even horrible parents are trying. It's hard to know what to do in any given situation...each kid is so different. In my own family...there are kids who only require gentle correction and they fall apart and really do try to do better and correct the problem...and then there are kids who require tough consequences. It takes time, wisdom...a little trial and error...to figure out what your own kid needs.
the other side...
I think the other side of the coin is that bioparents are often hardwired to view their kids through rose-colored glasses.
My situation might not be the same as your SOs, but I get annoyed all the time at my SSs who leave trash everywhere, don't keep track of their things, break things, etc. DH thinks those things are "no big deal" and tells me so in front of the kids, but those things were all behavioral expectations in my house. Also, if DH thinks they are not a big deal, then I expect him to manage those, rather than expecting me to take care of them.
Divorced bio-parents are more likely to give their children a pass when they behave in ways that normally would not be tolerated. Many of the things my SSs do, I don't think I would tolerate in my own children (I'm happily childfree), so I don't see it as being repulsed by them because they are not my children, just frustrated that they are not acting their age or taking responsibility for themselves and I'm expected to either ignore that or make up for it myself.
My SSs act helpless - not even being able to find a restaurant bathroom without an adult to show them where it is, cut their own food for dinner, or keep track of their own two gloves to go skiing - and they are almost in high school. It's hard not to be turned off by that, whether they are my children or not.
You asked:
You asked:
Are we kinda hard wired to be repulsed by other peoples kids?
---------------------------
We ARE hard wired to protect and gather round our own. We are hard wired to want relationships with our kin. Kids are hard wired to want relationships with their parents...hence why "Parental Alienation" is real and in full force now that child support awards are based on overnights.
We cant love another man/womans child like our own ...sure it sounds nice and fuzzy. People tell us we 'should' but fact remains, we cant because we are not wired that way.
BUT
But to be repulsed, wow? Can one be repulsed and still kind? THAT is the question.
If he is an ass to your child, you need to leave!! Work on parenting your child in a safe, responsible home. NOT with a jerk who is repulsed and shows it. Tell him it is YOU not him. He cant argue with you about that.
We can dislike a lot of people...but to show it to kids, NOT Ok.
FYI remember, SO does not discipline your son, HE does NOT parent your son. Never ever ever.
I really hope the
I really hope the conversation tonight goes well for you! You are thoughtful and reasonable... surely you and DH will meet on common ground.
I do have to ask though... does he mention things about your son after you say something about his 22 year old? If so, that’s not cool. If not, then just let him see the consequences you give to BS. That’s all a stepparent really wants to see.
And I know I wasn’t hardwired to be repulsed. It happened after watching poorly parented kids get away with things SO and I would have gotten in big trouble for as children. We knew each other since we were 13, and I knew his family well. Every time we fought about the girls I kept saying, “Our moms would have NEVER allowed that!” It was very frustrating watching the bad behaviors go unchecked. SO had a problem with my nearly-perfect (lol) BS’s eating habits and sensitivity too. I nipped that shit in the bud so quickly. BS, eat somewhere else if you can’t stop smacking. And stop the tears...you’re being extra, when he was overly sensitive.
You can do this, mama! Sounds like your son respects you already. Be firm... he’ll love you even more for it. And so will your DH! (((Hugs)))
To be honest, your DH's
To be honest, your DH's attitude about your son is similar to how I feel about my SS.
SS is autistic and a teen BUT my DH DOES. NOT. PARENT. HIM. He'd rather wrap him in cotton wool, set him nicely on his gaming chair and give little pumpkin everything his wittle heart desires. Plus SS's BM2 is the biggest piece of shyte on Earth...and DH didn't set boundaries until about 2 years ago.
So SS is a visual, physical reminder of the previous relationship gone unchecked. The byproduct of something Mommy doesn't want and Daddy doesn't take care of properly. THEN, to no fault of his own, he's autistic to boot. THAT adds the additional challenges of basically having an 8 year old in a 16 year old's body. 24 damn 7, 365.
So, no, I can't stand my SS. However, to be realistic, it could be 10x better if the BM wasn't batcrap crazy and my DH would actually parent his damn kid! It's hard. I don't have the automatic love to begin with so who knows how much I'd actually like SS if his parents were actual parents.
I do have a BS of my own and it doesn't even compare. Even if SS was the perfect child I could never come even close to feeling the same way to him as I do my own son. It's just not even the same galaxy. It just isn't - then add your spouse who falls short of parenting and it's hell.
I don't think this is a
I don't think this is a wiring issue. Most kids don't repulse me. My stepkids do, however. Why? Because one is a smelly, nasty, lazy blob with no plans in life at almost 19. The other is a self-centered drama queen with delusions of rules and expectations equating abuse. Their behavior and lack of hygiene repulse me. My husband's failure to parent them repulsed me.
You don't find your son's gross eating habits repulsive because he's yours. When my toddler smears something sticky on me, I'm grossed out, but my biological bond with him prevents me from loving him any less for it. When a SK does something nasty, there is no biological buffer. And when the parent makes excuses for the nasty behavior, many spouses project the negative feelings they have about that onto the kid.
Your DH has one screwed up kid out of three. If you continually point out his one "failure" as proof he shouldn't say anything about your kid, that's bullshit. You shouldn't even be comparing like this.
Your husband watched your son abuse your expensive laptop for a FULL YEAR (by your own admission the kid was repeatedly told NOT to do X, Y or Z with the computer and yet he did all of those things with impunity over and over again until he finally broke it). While you did...nothing. You kept giving him the laptop. Is this how its going to be when he starts to drive? Even sweet, compassionate kids needs consequences for not following the rules or their behavior becomes repulsive to everyone.... but you.
The issue is not the kids.
The issue is not the kids.
It is nearly always the adults responsible for those kids.
Take a blended family. Each adult came into the relationship with a child or children. Each have their own view on parenting. And then it happens. The first of many. A need for discipline. Say, for instance, one child becomes disrespectful and rude towards another person in the family...
1. That child's parent quickly steps in and shuts down the behavior. Child apologizes, realizes the wrong and moves on. Sure child may do it again but parent is always there with a firm hand ready to step in. Or...
2. Parent of the child passes the behavior off as growing pains. New family new life lots of stressors. Child will come around. Only now child continues with the behavior and is creating turmoil in the home. Other kids are annoyed. Step parent is taking the brunt from the child. And now resentment and arguing have begun.
The non biological parent has an outside perspective. All of the kids are dealing with the same stressors thus the excuse for one is unacceptable. The bio parent becomes defensive, jumps to the 'you must not like my kid' and the argument continues. Over and over.
See the difference?
We have expectations when it comes to other people's children. They are nearly always the same as our expectations for our own children. It is when those are not met that turmoil begins.
But it is easily solved. Talk about it. What do you expect from me as a parent. This is what I expect from you as a parent. Create a cohesive unit, within the adult relationship.
But as long as you play the 'you hate my kid' card and your DH plays the 'your parenting sucks' card without actually voicing what's valid you will always be on this path of doom.
Hardwired to Love not hate
We learn how to hate. I absolutely love my SD12, Munchkin. When she is with us, and has gone through a day of what I term "decompression", we are all on the same page "vibe wise", I dont even think about whose womb she came from, whose boob she nursed off. Its a non-issue for me. The whole "it takes a village" mentality I guess - we are hardwired to love children - thats why they are born cute!
Its when they get older that we see traits that they have inherited from the Toxic Parents, and feel that aversion. When we have gone through all different kinds of drama brought about by these Toxic People and their spawn.
Your child sounds great - but I think there are some underlying issues to address. To be fair, parents become defensive - Ive seen it myself at times. No matter what, parents will defend their children, and then apologise later. Thats the hardwired instinct you are thinking of..