Ouch, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! For what it's worth, it's normal. YOU are normal. You are NOT a bad person, you got that?

But knowing that doesn't get you out of your rut. So, what to do? The answer to that lies in the answer to some questions. What kind of dad is your DH? Does he lay down rules AND enforce them? Does he support you when YOU enforce rules? Or is he perfectly happy to be "the fun dad" and let you do all the work? Or override you when you dish out consequences for behavior?

IF - and ONLY IF - you guys are on the same page and Dad is doing at least as much work with the kids as you are, then it's time for a Come To Jesus meeting. First with your DH. Tell him how overwhelmed you feel, tell him how stressful it is when the kids yell or backtalk or whine, or whatever your triggers are. Ask him for help in getting the kids out of those behaviors, maybe talk to a Behavioral Therapist about the kids and see if they have any suggestions. Then you have that meeting with the kids and tell them "this is how things are going to be and you can get on board or be grounded for life" (a bit tongue in cheek there, but lay out the rules and the consequences and stick to them). But again, this ONLY works if your DH is COMPLETELY committed and willing to work at it.

On the other hand, if your DH is only interested in avoiding conflict with his kids, if he's more interested in being their friend than being their father, then I'd suggest you disengage. These are not your kids. It is to your credit that you've been willing to step up for so long, but you cannot do it alone and you certainly can't do it if Dad is undermining you. So step back. Let Dad be the parent. You only get involved if it affects you directly. Their laundry isn't done? "Oh, well you'll have to talk to your dad about that." They have 16 cavities from eating only junk food and never brushing? "Poor things, their father hasn't been paying enough attention." (Not that YOU take them to the dentist. No, no, no... that's Dad's job.) They break the antique vase your mother gave you on her death bed? You grab a screwdriver and carefully and deliberately take apart every single piece of their Xbox and then run it over with the car. Twice.

I hate to break it to you, but they are treating you like a mom. The only difference is that you don't have the unconditional love a mom has for her children to allow them to live past whatever you are dealing with at that moment. So you are angry longer, resentful longer, and want to blame someone else (their mom) for their behavior. But it's just what kids do. No kid really likes chores. I've seen numerous kids from intact families lie like a dog to get out of doing things. And they complain. Life is so hard for kids! But usually they are angels out in public and only subject their own parents to the hell, because when you complain to anyone it makes you less credible. My kids have had me in tears before. But then out of the blue they really surprise me. It just depends on their mood. They are still learning. Even adults are selfish at times, but for some reason we expect kids to be different and better. We make excuses for adults like, "They must not have been taught any better." No...they just choose to be an asshole. And kids learn through trial and error that it pays off to do the right thing. Some learn at 15, some at 25. They learn by being rewarded when they do the right thing. Even if it's, "Hey, I love how you handled that..." or "Thank you for doing that without complaining."

I have LITERALLY done this... when I want to yell because they have just done/said the stupidest thing you can imagine...and they are standing there looking at me and wondering why I'm not losing it, I say, "I am counting to 100..." Which means "I am really losing it, but I am in control." And "you should thank your lucky stars right now that counting works" LOL. It gives them a minute to reflect on how thankful they are that I'm not one of those abusive parents that would beat them, and also time to work up an apology, or maybe a laugh, because sometimes they realize they just did something stupid, too.

You will be fine!

It's perfectly ok to feel as you do. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and step parenting even harder. I admire you for taking on three kids who are not your own. Sounds like you need to look after yourself more, take some time for YOU. Kids and chores..even my own kids disappoint me there! They will come up with any excuse. And I know my kids love me but teenagers are so selfish...they will watch you throw up and wait and then ask if you can now make them a sandwich!! When my son was 16 he continued to play his Xbox while I was literally choking on a piece of meat and even shouted at me to keep the noise down so he could concentrate on his game. Now that he is grown he is mortified that he did that. Parents have to teach kids NOT to be selfish.

You are sooooo normal and you are fighting against the teenage beast. My girls from age 14 to 18 were not so helpful. My rule in my home is if you want to have plans over the weekend do your damn chores. Don't asking me for a ride or permission if it isn't done. My middle daughter would text me from school and ask if she could go somewhere after school ~ are your chores done ~ I think so ~ take picture of uncleaned bathroom ~ respond to daughter the answer is in the picture. Yup that's me !

I don't ask a lot of my kids ~ daily chores like set the table n wash dishes have become like " saying the pledge at school." I don't really care what their excuses are ~ cause frankly excuses are like assholes everyone has one.

You are only feeling exactly what each n everyone of us has at some point in time. ~ unappreciated ~ that's the job of a mom. My older girls have come full circle & will now help out & do dishes at friends/families homes and now I reep all the rewards. " your kids are so helpful & that's awesome. You did a great job !! That's my pat on the back that I have done my job as a mom alone for 5 years. I steered them in the independent woman they are evolving into. Big smiles for me. I am a tough mom but I tell them all the time ~ do what I ask when I ask n everything will be great.

Count your blessings that you DH is behind you. He does appreciate you. In will come in time with the kids. Stay steady n strong n laugh every once in while. It helps.

Kids don't truly know what it takes to be a mom ~ and when are done for the count being sick it's really tough. As a mom there are no sick or personal days. Kids will always need & want. But you are raising them with values & moral.

Keep up the good work

I have to say I agree with others - what your skids are doing is normal teen crap too and NOT because you're a smom! (That is not to say that you and your DH shouldn't point out to them that consideration for others is expected. Don't let them get away with selfishness or thoughtlessness just because it's normal. That's how they learn!)

I have two stories to add to the pot though. The first happened this morning. I threw up and my BS5 happened to see me. His response? "Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!" ZERO sympathy. Of course he's five so I suppose it's even more normal for him.

My other story is about my brother. He's much younger than I am, and when he was about 14 or so he asked me if I would take him and a friend to the movies. It was a movie I wanted to see anyway, so I said sure. When we got there, he asked me not to sit with them! (Can you even IMAGINE the reaction if an skid did that to an smom here?!?!) My brother (now an adult) HATES being reminded of this story - he says it's the one moment from his teenage years he is most ashamed of. (And yes, he WAS a pretty good kid thank god, this probably was the "meanest" thing he ever did.)

Anyway, my point is - try not to take their attitude to heart. Correct it, for sure, but don't take it personally. It doesn't mean they don't love you, it just means teenagers are pretty crappy people.