Covering for Crappy BMs?
So...this isn't about my skids but about my nephew...who is my sister's full-time stepson. They've had full custody since he was 4 going on 5 (he's just turned 13) because the kids mom got busted driving under the influence of meth not once but twice with her babies in the car.
His mom now gets 6 hours of supervised visitation every other week. So, yes...that's 12 hours a month and she doesn't even take it every time.
This weekend, I had an auntie spend-the-night with my sisters' kids. We had to wait on Nephew13 because he had his visitation with his mom. He shows up...and I put out 3X5 cards with activities written on them (Bowling, Make Cupcakes, Make Slime, See a Movie, etc.) and told each kid they could pick one activity. One option was Go-Karts, which was specifically for Nephew13 because he's obsessed with cars right now...like, to a really annoying degree. He's like Rain Man about cars.
Anyway. He picks Go-Karts excitedly and then, a couple seconds later his face clouds.
Nephew: "Oh. But I don't think we can do Go-Karts...I was with (BM's name) today and asked her if we could go and she said they're closed today."
I guess I made a questioning face...because then he looked even more crestfallen and said: "Are they? Can you look it up?"
Me: "Oh...I think they open tonight. And anyway, it's really cold so I was thinking about going tomorrow before I take you home, and I know they'll be open tomorrow."
So...crisis averted. I covered for her lying ass to avoid hurting her child any further. But what kind of crap mother lies to her own kid about something like that?
I mean...I'm definitely not one of those people who thinks that kids have to be entertained every time you see them. I've often had my niece and nephews over and all we do is cook dinner, feed my pets...play cards. They just like being over. And Go-Karts can get expensive (and you need that money for meth, obviously) and maybe you don't want to spend the only 6 hours you get driving somewhere and Go-karting. Sure. Lots of good reasons to say no...but why lie to your kid about it? Especially a 13-year-old...he's going to figure that out. He can Google that S*** now. He's not 5!!!
Of course, this is the kid who came to us at 5 barely talking, not knowing any of his numbers and letters...not able to dress himself, tie his shoe...wipe his own bum. It was the strangest combination of severe neglect and intense babying and coddling I've ever seen. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she still treats him like a toddler.
So...my question. What's the most idiotic thing you've ever heard your skids attribute to their mom? What BM lies have you covered for to protect your skids' feelings? Or do you tell them? What do you think is best in situations like this? My sister is wondering, too...though it's less urgent now that the visitations are so infrequent.
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I am a firm believer in the
I am a firm believer in the truth. Once he figures out she lies he will likely test the rest of you to see if you are trustworthy. I would have just said something like, "Huh... she must have been mistaken or looked at the wrong day, they are open all day today!"
Yeah...I typically am as well
Yeah...I typically am as well which is why I feel annoyed by being put in that position...
also he’s a smart kid...trusting and innocent but not dumb
I have far too many examples
I have far too many examples to rank just one as the worst. My favorite lies Succubus told the skids: she can speak "Irish"; someone snuck in their apartment one night, ate all the cereal, stole a pillow from her bed and slept on the couch; and she was the manager of the Cosco where she stocks shelves.
We mostly ignored the stupid lies such as the speaking a non-existent language. We tried to present facts if it was lies/misinformation because someone else would do it and probably laugh at them. We always corrected lies if they were about DH.
My SS will be 19 soon but he still believes his mother's lies. He was telling me just a few months ago bm had told him her toddler started kindergarten a year early. At 5 years old, he started exactly when every other kid starts in this state, but SS was adamant. Whatevs, kid.
Not that I think she can but
Not that I think she can but Irish is actually a language.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_language
Lol...was going to say the
Lol...was going to say the same thing. I started trying to learn it on duolingo when I was in an Irish Lit class in grad school...it’s super hard!
Lol...was going to say the
Lol...was going to say the same thing. I started trying to learn it on duolingo when I was in an Irish Lit class in grad school...it’s super hard!
I always thought the ancient
I always thought the ancient language of Ireland was Gaelic, but I digress. She has a very elementary grasp of English and does not speak another language lol.
lol...I'm not sure the
lol...I'm not sure the difference and maybe both are correct? Not sure.
But yes...I'm certain that you are correct about BM. Speaking from personal experience, it's incredibly difficult language just to pronounce...let alone understand all the grammar and syntax rules.
The worst lie
that my Ss's Bm told him was that his Gpa (Bm's father) was at work and couldn't come home. Ss told us that if his Gpa tried to leave work, he would get shot in the chest!!
Of course, we knew that the Gpa was actually in prison for armed bank robbery.
For years Bm would take Ss on road trips to visit Gpa "at work".
Just horrible!!
Oh my word.
Oh my word.
When did SS figure it out?!
My DH and I go with the
My DH and I go with the watered down truth with my son ex: son: "why is my dad going to prison for 2 years?" our answer: "he made some bad choices and broke the law". We didn't give my son specifics. I'm sad your nephew is going through this. I can relate as my son's dad is a "recovering" meth head. Honestly my son figured out a lot on his own and he knows now that his dad is a liar and he can't depend on him. It sucks. I'm sure your 13 year old nephew wants to believe his mom just like my son wanted to believe his dad but now he just knows better.
We do this too with my skids.
We do this too with my skids. Their mom is very involved...not a deadbeat in any way...so there aren’t any lies so to speak...
But she and her mom just have some really codependent, unhealthy behaviors and just some bizarre beliefs. Like they used to “diagnose” the kids with things like “cat scratch fever” or say that they’d read Wendy’s uses horse meat...just dumb stuff like that...
And then the skids would tell us: “I have to take it easy this weekend because I have ‘cat scratch fever’” and we’d have to try to keep a straight face while saying: “Well...did a doctor tell you that? Because it’s more likely that it’s just a cold...”
As they’ve gotten older, the kids are still loyal to their mom but they’ve started asking us some questions about some of these things and also making off-handed comments / joking about the dysfunction. DH is handling this as gently as possible...
With my nephew...it’s sad because his mom used to sow doubt in his mind about his place in the family. When he came back from visitation he’d ask things like: “half-siblings aren’t as good as full siblings, right? That’s what my mom says.” (Which is a dumb thing for her to say bc this kid has no full siblings)
She was always doing that crap to him and making him feel insecure in his dad’s house...pointing out how he had a different last name and different mom...but I guess the joke’s on her because last year for his birthday he asked to legally change his name and be adopted...name change is done and they’re working on the adoption but it’s not likely to be allowed...
With my nephew...it’s sad
My SD said something like this too, implying something about her little sister (my DD2) only being her half sister. The way she said it made it sound like it wasn’t a good thing. SD also doesn’t have any full siblings. I think she was confused and thought that because her half brother lives with her and her mom that he’s more related. I didn’t even try to say anything. *scratch_one-s_head*
Right??!!
Right??!!
This witch tried to make her own kid feel unwelcome in the home he was living in and told him half-siblings weren't as good...when of course she had 3 kids by 3 different dads all within 4 years...and was collecting "first child" CS from all 3 simultaneously (to support her drug habit) up until she got busted. Lost custody of all 3 kids and doesn't pay any CS herself now that the kids are gone (of course)...
But somehow is trying to convince my nephew that HER other two kids/his half-siblings who he never saw any more were his "real" siblings while the younger sister and brother who adored him in his stable and loving home were just "half" siblings. She also constantly criticized my sister (until my sister went no contact) for not doing enough for her kid...even though she herself wasn't paying a dime and was doing nothing but damage. It was unreal and my whole family is very glad it's over...except for the occasional ridiculous reminder like over the weekend.
Yeah, we have the extremes
Yeah, we have the extremes with both exes. My ex is a "recovering" addict. I don't think he is really recovering though. I don't hear from him much anymore and of course haven't received child support since he got out in September. I am guessing he will violate his parole or whatever here soon and go back to being incarcerated. My son decided on his own that he really doesn't want much to do with him. Despite all of his bad choices I have always tried to let my son make his opinions and really the only covering up I do is to protect my son....not his dad....
Now with my SD her mom is very much involved but pretty much with ridiculous things like you said and I love how you described it b/c I haven't been able to describe it before but it exactly what you said. BM sows doubt in SD's mind about being a part of our family and makes her insecure about it and that is her control method. If I had a dime for every time BM said, "SD is struggling to fit in with your family" I would be RICH!!!!! Her mom contributes to that struggle more than we do.
I hope it backfires on her as
I hope it backfires on her as hard as it did on my nephew's BM. He probably wouldn't have even thought about a name change if she hadn't made it such an issue over the years.
I know I've had issues with my skids...but I've always kept them to myself...spoken to DH about it only/never taken it out on them. And I just can't fathom hating your ex or your kid's stepmom more than you love your kid. I can't imagine damaging my kid's sense of security the way his BM did.
We never covered but were
We never covered but were gentle about exposing the truth since SD always covered for BM.
I remember one time SDs dog was stolen out of their apartment right before they moved somewhere that wasn't pet friendly. The burglar took the dog it's food and leash but nothing else from the apartment. SD was posting on FB and BMs friends were even questioning why someone would steal a dog and supplies but nothing else.
I just mentioned that it was weird that someone risked prison over a dog and left everything else but did that SD was lucky their tv and other stuff wasn't taken too.
That’s really sad and
That’s really sad and hilarious at the same time. I don’t get parents lying to their kids...so unhealthy.
sure...you shouldn’t bowl them over wth the hard truths of life...but lying about dumb stuff like go-karts? Pathetic.
"Mommy doesn't know how to be
"Mommy doesn't know how to be a mom because nobody taught her"
My SD at 6 years old. There's no WAY that didn't come right from BM. I mean, I'm honestly over holding a grudge against her. She doesn't want to be a mom, and while she made that choice a little late, that's her prerogative, but EFF OFF with that. Nobody taught ME how to be a mom either. There's no effin manual they give you when you give birth. You just do it, and yeah, some days it sucks, but you get it done because that's your responsibility now.
BM also does the really strange combination of neglect and overcoddling. She doesn't call or ask how SD is doing, despite us living 5 hours away and only seeing her in the summer. When she has her, she doesn't feed her real food, just junk and chips. She doesn't get up in the morning with her, instead she sleeps til 1pm and leaves SD to fend for herself with no breakfast. Yet she showers with her, sleeps with her, wipes her bum, all sorts of weird things (SD is SEVEN YEARS OLD).
Literally, SD came home last summer and told DH he had to wipe her butt. He was like WHAT are you talking about you've been potty trained for years!!! She said "BM wipes my bum" and laughed. We were like "You let BM wipe your bum? Why?" and she laughed even harder and said because it's funny. She literally thought it was hilarious.
This story just made me snort
This story just made me snort I laughed so hard. Oh my word.
Bahaha... I had to tell my DH
Bahaha... I had to tell my DH to teach SD to wipe herself like a week before she started kindergarten and then had to point out that no one would do it for her there. He had this completely dumbfounded look on his face that kids that age were capable.
I think I’ve forgotten some
I think I’ve forgotten some over the years, but this one sticks out.
A couple years ago, we’d talk about making plans for certain trips or vacations (all of which SD would be joining us on). Occasionally SD would say “well, BM said she’s going to take me too.” It got to the point that we would say “ok,” totally unphased and just keep making plans. SD finally admitted that BM told her that when she gets mad at us, to tell us that her mom was going to take her (to the same place) too.
So her BM wasn’t actually going to take her to these places (like Disney) but told her to tell us that! Why? To make us mad?
Wow. So incredibly psychotic.
Wow. So incredibly psychotic.
I'd have been so tempted to mess with her back. Sadly, I usually think about mischief and evil and then end up taking the high road...