Not wanting to spend time with stepkids
Any stepparents here get to a point where they just don’t want to be present at visits or events with stepkids or dread spending time with them?
i mean stepkids who are self centred, selfish, rude, disrespectful, manipulative, narcissistic etc...
i don’t want anyone posting “well you knew what you were getting into with a blended family or man/woman with kids from a prior relationship” because reality is we didn’t. Things don’t come full force clearly till you’re knee deep in marriage and everyones true colours show when you’re living together.
then all these issues happen, you get treated like crap and disrespected just because the skids can and you get to a point where “you know they’re just toxic, too much damage has been done even if they would apologise its too little too late or i wouldn’t hold my breath and its like, look hubby/wife, if you want to meet your kids go ahead but i don’t want to be present, i don’t want urgent plans or important events of us cancelled for them when unnecessary etc.
anyone here who can relate? How did you tell your partner? Did you just rip the bandaid off and just tell them bluntly?
i know my husband already knows how upset and disappointed i am and the mess hubby allowed to develop all this time out of fear that skids would cut him off but he has started realising thats their manipulation of him and not healthy to live like that because it robs us of quality and valuable family time that i know he’s not getting out of kids with ex and has told me he dreads the visits but they’re his kids and he will see them when he can so they can’t say blah blah blah, hubbys conscience is clear he made the effort even if they didn’t and even if they just sit there in silence ignoring him most of the time.
When your husband tells you he’s upset and hurt it got to this point that my wife and 2 kids with you won’t come anymore and don’t want to because of how dysfunctional my kids with ex are and no matter what i do the damage is done and seems impossible to undo and now my wife and kids can’t be around because of their toxicity.
I’m at a point where family weddings of hubbys that i know skids will be at, i just don’t want to go. I don’t want to play nice and play dumb in front of skids like i don’t know all the shit and horrible stuff they’ve done etc and be all smiles and as usual go behind my back doing things to ny kids or giving them inappropriate and stupid stuff without permission.
A wedding or family event is time to celebrate and relax but i can’t when skids are around, i’m like a hawk making sure my kids are ok.
I’d just rather not be around but that guaranteed my lovely but very old and sick fil will straight away ask questions why me and kids aren’t there because even hubbys siblings said, “dad doesn’t care when anyone else isn’t present but when me, hubby and our kids aren’t around, fil is asking why”, he loves us to bits because finally this son of his who suffered so much in his life and career being married to the ex, met someone who actually cares for him and helps support him in his life and career and makes him happy, something fil knows exwife and kids with her never did because they’re exact replicas of hers... if i don’t go i know hubby likely won’t go as he’s said that in the past. He loves me too much and when he knows how upset i am about the situation currently, it makes it even worse for him to just go to said events and play nice and pretend everything is ok when its not.
I feel the same but it's more
I feel the same but it's more that I dont want skid to come to family events on my side. I mean I dont especially want to go to the in laws either but that's actually more sue to MIL then just skid. I did tell my husband that I would prefer to do some things when she is not there because they matter more to me than her (she really could care less if she goes to xmas at my grandparents for example), and her behavior and attitude makes it unpleasant for me. I don't see a reason to make it more unpleasant for the people who do care for someone who doesnt. As far as the inlaws, I'd prefer not to go and try to as little as possible but I do go to most things with DH anyway.
There are plenty of events with inlaws we go to
That the 3 kids don’t but on some occasions hubby asks if they wanna come which he has every right to do but i hate that this changes our plans because we always play taxi for them, they live interstate, we have 2 really carsick kids and i have to time food meds etc and they can’t eat or drink anything in the car or see someone so if we have to drive 2.5-3 hours i time based on that but when the stepdaughters are involved and picking up ss that throws the time way out and they get in the car eating and drinking and now my kids are screaming because they too want food and i have to say no and when they cry they easily can vomit from crying too hard
if skids want free rides, can they not respect not eating or drinking in our car for 30-60 mins? Of course not and when i say no kids will vomit when they want to give food, they’ll say ok we’ll give a little.
I just want to shout “i just said no!! And you’re questioning my authority regarding my sick child like you have a right. NO MEANS NO!!”
i would rather avoid all this and just spend quality time with my kids at home rather than play fake smiles and fake happy family with the skids acting awkwardly. They act like they don’t want to meet or spend time with one another but just sit there in awkward silence. So i’m missing out a full day of quality constructive time with my kids to stare at skids sitting in awkward silence... nope and hubby can’t convince me enough to go anymore
every year we go to my home country overseas to visit my dad and hubby suggested bringing his kids with ex along. Originally when the sd reinitiated contact after 5 years they appeared ok but its hard to fake it for so long and they’re there to play spy for mummy and do her dirty work so now i’m revoking hubby bringing them along, i don’t want anymore invasions of my privacy and when they’ve not cared about us whatsoever or even their dad, why should they get an all expenses trip paid for by hubby??
He wanted to bring the ex
He wanted to bring the ex with also??? Or did I read that wrong
Oh hell no
Hubby never wants to see ex and has avoided her at all costs. She even pushed the daughters to encourage first meet at her home and she would cook anything her son wanted (the one she abandoned and cut off all contact) despite never being able to cook in the 14 yrs hubby was married to her
Are you the person whose
Are you the person whose skids' BM demands that you be present when the skids see DH? The two girls that didn't talk to DH for years and are back?
Why oh why are you still allowing that arrangement to happen? Tell DH to deal with his own skids and leave you out of it. If they refuse to see him, then so be it.
I rarely see my skid, but yes, I mostly avoid him. He's not rude to me in the slightest, I am just over all the stress and drama he and his mother have caused us. DH is mostly over it too, and he only sees him occasionally.
Stand up for your right to not be in the middle of this nonsense.
Yes thats me and i have avoided the past 2 visits
Hubby on 2nd visit told them they would not be having separate visits again and it would be in our home, if they’re free to meet at a shopping mall then they’re perfectly capable to come to our home (they haven’t in 2.5 months). Hubby could clearly see they were trying to play happy family and not the lease bit concerned why we hadn’t attended past 2 visits
all 3 skids didn’t visit hubby or maintain any contact whatsoever the past 2.5 months unless they needed bills paid or favour from hubby through his contacts for job interviews otherwise it was dead silence
like you i am just over their patheticness, their laziness and issues and drama and guilt tripping hubby insinuating he abandoned them for me and our 2 kids when they willingly cut off contact and using that to guilt hubby for more money.
then they just cause issues and expect we drop everything and exwife is clearly still getting kids to report to her about visits etc and i’m just like screw it, i don’t want to be around the stepkids at all even at special family events, my mood isn’t there to play nice and act like everyhing is fine.
i know hubby will say he won’t go because he will be bombarded with questions from his whole family because this is out of the ordinary me and kids not present and he doesn’t want to admit to his family the issues with stepkids because they’d be shock and even at the exwife. Exwife is no surprise, 99% of hubbys family knows she’s bat shit crazy
So i told hubby in the afternoon i wouldn’t be going
1- i don’t trust he’s been upfront and honest with me that his sd22 and sd13 will be coming along
2- our plans always change last minute to always accommodate them when i’m being told another thing and plan our trips/visits around the itinerary and specific times i’m given to make sure kids both get their anti nausea meds and formula/food cut off times to minimise risk of vomiting
3- a short but bearable say 1.5-2 hour car drive to hubbys childhood home turns into 3 or 4 because last minute we have to grab his daughters and both our kids have vomited along the way
4- they do not respect me or our boundaries, they feed my daughter inappropriate things to intentionally get her messy at official family events, they undo her nicely styled hair to mess it up, they knock on our bedroom door early morning banging it and shouting daddy daddy daddy for non emergency things when our 2 toddlers are sleeping
5- we always have to drop them off home
6- hubby palms off watching our daughter to his 2 daughters that he’s not seen in 5.5 years and contact only reinitiated approx 6-7 months ago and only had 5 visits with them
7- our son has been battling a bad eczema breakout since getting an infection about 2 weeks ago that we only recovered from a week ago, family home has stray cats roaming and partially adopted in and around the house meaning cat dander everywhere, house is sweeped every now and then but not mopped and my son is heavily allergic to cats, will break out in a bad rash, no swelling or breathing problems yet.
8- yesterday hubby was watching our daughter and saw her carrying a few of her dolls and stethoscope to play dr and she fell busting her lip because hubby didn’t want to help her carry in, its swollen bad and has started going down but it won’t be healed in time for wedding & reception
hubby assured me we will be leaving thursday and they aren’t available that day and would get public transport/interstate bus and this would be saturday and they would get the bus back home as trip is about 2 hoursish or just under
he assured me there would be no detours like needing to pee and buy snacks at petrol station, filling up fuel in car, people eating or drinking in car making our kids upset because they want it too and causing the risk of them vomiting, he assured me he would be caring for one of our kids while i managed the other at the wedding etc.
his childhood home is about a 2 hour drive and about 20-30 mins from wedding location and reception.
he assured me his daughter (eldest one) would be coming alone and only for the day for the wedding reception, not solemnisation
well surprise surprise as usual, hubby lied, she’s actually decided they will both come on Friday as they are now last minute free, they will be available on saturday meaning guaranteed i will have invasion of our privacy at childhood home and no respect of boundaries, high risk they sneak things behind my back feeding our kids inappropriate stuff and trying to mess up her hair for no reason other than they felt like it
i told hubby yesterday i don’t trust you’ve been honest. He said all the above which ended up an hour or 2 later his daughter messaged him to say they are last minute available, i have not been notified, our plans will change, hubby has told them either he or their brother will pick them up..
hubby tells me he promised we’d all come, that he doesn’t want to upset the family, that they’re fighting already because of jealousy that dr nephew is getting married and out of pettiness alot aren’t coming so hubby doesn’t want us to be one of those who won’t go.
i’m pissed off because he has not been upfront with me, my and my kids boundaries are not being respected now. He has not told me the plans have changed but I know already they have which he knows had i known definitely i would not go to avoid any drama and further stress and issues from the stepkids.
Its like he’s trying to blindside me again so yeah when it comes to tomorrow the day before we sre supposed to leave and he messages me from work saying have you packed yet my answer will be “no, because i know you lied to me about what the plans are and not been upfront, you have made empty promises and assurances, you are forcibly putting me in a physical face to face in person situation with stepdaughters which you know i don’t want and i know they will be staying at childhood home overnight based on their availabilities.... so no i won’t go because you are not respecting my wishes as your wife, you are trying to guilt trip me, you are being selfish again expecting i do everything for you and no or minimal consideration for us, you are and have lied to me as your wife and made plans without consulting with me when they involve us and you know will affect us”
so just wait till the shit hits the fan and he knows for sure i won’t go and sob story comes out. Why do some men just have to be such dicks or should i say “pussy dicks” can’t just tell me bluntly and be upfront.
i hate not having definite info in advance so i am aware of who what when and where and make my decision based on that. Instead i am lied to or told last minute when on the way or at said event that all the things i knowingly wanted to avoid and hubby knew about he has put me in that situation.
so instead i’m busy packing my bags for next weeks trip overseas to my home country