Who's the real parent?
I am curious if it's just me but I have been with my partner for a year. I have been more involved in his kids life than their own mother. We are in a very hard spot right now.
Mediation has ended but they agreed to 50/50 legal decision making. I am very nervous about this since the BM does not make any decisions on her own. She has absolutely no knowledge of the girls doctor for the past three years, or what shots they need, or how to give them certain medicines.
Recently, we were reprimanded by her because she had forgotten her youngest daughter had been going to a different doctor than they started the older daughter at. She stated how we were not following their legal agreement. Then we find out she is not giving the oldest daughter her meds correctly causing a sinus infection after she was already fighting an ear infection, that she tried to change her daughter's doctor without consulting the father and that she has not made very crucial doctors appointments she insisted should be on "her time."
With all of this happening, we were also sent paperwork about financial statements. Their divorce is not final, so they are going through the steps. She is claiming that she is only making $800 a month. We pay 100% of a daycare that their children are reported to go to 5x per week at least 7 hours per day. Both of us work so that was a necessary, she has no excuse for not working. They are dropped off and picked up every day on her weeks.
He also pays for a car she doesn't use and won't return, the girl's health insurance and anything extra we can give to them since they are clearly being neglected at BM's.
I am terrified as she has insisted to go to court so she can pull a sob story on the judge as to why he should pay her a check every month. According to his lawyer, he won't owe her anything. He pays for most of the expenses for the kids and she is fully capable of working a full-time job. She's had a year to find one and states she has two that are only giving her $800.
She has been nothing but trouble the whole divorce process. Anytime she puts up a fight it has to do with how inconvenient having kids is for her. I think the hardest part for me is, I am constantly hearing from their oldest (a 4 year old) that her mommy doesn't like me. She has said before that mommy thinks I stole daddy and that daddy was just mean to mommy.
I don't want them to grow up feeling like they should stay in a toxic situation just to take care of their mom. The path it is going, if they ever have the choice, they will choose to stay with her because she refuses to take care of herself.
Ugh... I'm sorry that we
Ugh... I'm sorry that we couldn't give you the best possible advice previously but "NEVER START A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN"
Yeah.. I get he may have been separated at that time but by having this relationship it is very likely she can claim adultery.. and FFS he doesn't even have a good CO in place and by having YOU in the picture that just amps up the crazy and vindictiveness of his EX. She may not be a "good" mother.... but she is THE mother.
My bests advice is for you and him to separate right now.. cut ties and let him get this mess fixed and then and only then you can decide if you want to be together.
Btw.. they absolutely are not asking for any of YOUR financial information. You aren't his wife.. your financial status is irrelevant..to this situation. Do NOT provide any information with your name on it. But, I am hoping he has a lawyer to help him with this..
but.. you need to get out of the picture so that you don't create another reason for it to go badly for him.
Adultery is not really a
Adultery is not really a thing anymore in divorces, all states have no-fault divorce. Lots of people get involved with separated men - DH divorced while we were dating, nothing pertaining to me was ever a factor (legally speaking).
OP, she sounds like the kind of BM who will fight for 50/50 and then leave them with you and DH most of the time. That sounds like a good thing for the kids, and if he's not paying any Child Support, then it should work out well.
But yeah, she's the real mother - and the kids will always love her and value her above you.
Getting involved with a married person
Likely means that the kids have not had time to adjuste. While H and W likely knew the divorce was coming, the kids may not have known. All they may see is that mom and dad were married, and then a month after dad moved out, his new GF moved in. They my blame her. To me, one thing is the spouses are legally seperated and have been living apart for a year. Othersise, I think there is a risk of being regarded as a homewrecer.
You have zero idea how long
You have zero idea how long he was separated before he met the OP and moved in with her.
I didn't say I did.
I just think that even if adultery is not grounds for divorce, it can have consequences.
Dating a separated man is NOT
Dating a separated man is NOT adultery.
When it comes to crazy exes,
When it comes to crazy exes, though, the truth rarely matters.
BM and BD could have been divorced for years, and BM could still lie and say the new GF has secretly been around for years and was the homewrecker. And some kids just never adjust to their parents moving on no matter how long it has been.
Should there be time between divorce and new serious relationship that the kids are introduced to? Yeah, probably. But it's a crapshoot whether that is going to matter or not.
The real mother is BM and the
The real mother is BM and the real father is your partner. That will never change. You may be the better caregiver, but you'll never be the real parent, no matter how much "parenting" you do.
Please keep this in mind.
Please keep this in mind.
Don't think that because BM is absent and not very involved, the kids will see you as a mother or you are their "real" mother. Sure, we've all heard the whole "a real parent does XYZ" but no, a real parent is a biological mother or father. At the end of the day, 99% of the time, kids will choose their real parent. The thing is... The more abusive/neglectful a parent is, the more the kid wants them because they think something is wrong with THEM if their parent doesn't treat them well. It happens all the time. Don't for a second think your situation will be any different.
I've raised SD7 since she was 2 with very minimal involvement from BM. I'm talkin' 5 years of no phone calls on her birthday, christmas, any holidays. No visits except for the one WE schedule in the summer. Nothing. SD is still obsessed with BM and always talks about her, wants to see her, etc.
Of course she wont return the car
Until the divorce is final. And unless she has marketable skills, I dont see the court imputing much income.
To reply to the people
To reply to the people commenting on his marital status. Adultery isn’t a factor in divorce any longer. If she tries to bring it up then he can on her also. She was caught multiple times cheating on him while they were together.
were you dating him while he
were you dating him while he was still with his EX? if so.. it could be called adultery and might put him at a disadvantage legally.. even if she had done it before.. but in any case.. if that was the case.. you will likely have a long road ahead with his kids and family in addition to the normal step issues.
Where has this BM been that
Where has this BM been that her oldest is a mere whopping age of four, but yet she has no idea of who her children's drs have been for three years?