Yes, the spark finally went out almost a year ago- although it had only been a mere flutter for some time before this.

It never came back because, unlike your DH, mine never even attempted to get me back. I didn't play his game either- so that was nine years of trying to like his kids, and understand why he was like he was with them, down the drain...

Wow... I don't understand this kind of behavior. I don't blame you at all for your feelings, they are 100% justified. 

I think it is possible to get a spark back though. All marriages go through highs and lows. That is why we say for better or for worse. I think the big key here for you would be for him to actually change. To make you the priority in his life. 

If there was something that could be done to woo you what would it be? Flowers for apologies always made me angry personally, DH knows how I feel about them. Would a weekend away for the two of you help? Would counseling help? I think whatever it is, you need to have it layed out directly to him. This isn't the time in your relationship (questioning it all together) to dance around and not be direct. 

I went through the exact same BS for five years before walking away a couple of weeks ago. It’s heartbreaking when you give so much of yourself and it is not returned. I’m sorry to say that based on my experience and everything I’ve heard, this type of dysfunctional dynamic between adult daughters and DADDEEE never changes. I was always beating my head against a wall trying to get my ex to realize that our relationship should be priority over him doing what his ADULT brats want, but it never changed. These men enjoy the codependent relationship the have with their daughters. All I can say is if you do leave, don’t get into a relationship with a man in this position. It is not worth it. I’m very sorry for your pain, I’m right there with you.

I hope you didn't let him return to the marital home, or you are living elsewhere. You need space away from the marriage to sort out your feelings.

If this man wants his marriage to work, he needs individual and marital counseling. Tell him that, and see if he arranges it. If he doesn't, you'll know what to do.

"DH’s loyality is to his adult kids."

Gather up your energy for this last round and FIGHT for YOU!!!  He is an absolute CONTROL FREAK and jerk - it's no wonder you're drained. From your past posts, he clearly doesn't intend on integrating into a blended family and has no intention of making you an equitable partner and priority.  Remember that when he tries to break down your defenses by lying and love bombing you back into complacency.  

I have a feeling he is a master at creating emotional turmoil in you.  You get the inclination to leave...then he'll manipulate you back with episodes of love and attention. His barrage of texts and calls whilst waiting at the airport...the flowers...the false regret is manipulative bs. What he is doing is intermittent reinforcement, a tool used by emotional abusers to keep you off center and vunerable.  

All the insecurities and questionable feelings you are having are spot on...listen to them.  

Get back into the work force. He's trying to keep you financially dependent and cornered into his control.  Keep getting positive feedback from others about your situation. Empower yourself.  PUT THE EFFORT INTO YOU.  

My DH pulled something similar early on in our marriage.  The betrayal leaves a very sour taste in your mouth and it makes you question your value in his life.  The fact that your DH STILL went on the trip rather than canceling it and returning home speaks volumes.  He had second thoughts about the toll his actions were taking on the marriage, and tried to 'bargain' with flowers and promises, but he still went.  So there is something about your marriage that he is trying to salvage.  With my DH it was his financial and social comfort.  Your DH may be hoping you will back down and things will cool off until the next time when he demonstrates that the Skids are #1 in his life.  And yes, the 'spark' would grow mighty dim if this situation was repeated.  And that is the big question:  Is this a repeat?  If this is the first time, I would look at it as an opportunity to set boundaries and stick to them - no more sneaky B.S.  The marriage takes top priority. Period.  It's non-negotiable.  This is the approach I took with my DH.  He decided to work on the marriage and the spark has come back.

If this is a repeat, or DH continues to be sneaky, I would seek counseling for yourself and save up for an exit plan.  You are worthy of mutual respect.  Nothing less

I personally would have no spark for someone I couldn't trust, and after this incident, I would not be able to trust him. It shows, as you said, that his loyalty is to his kids and he is willing to lie to you to keep the peace.

Nope. I'd personally need marriage counseling after something like this.

What is it with these grown men and their love affairs with their adult children? My parents were good to me and supportive, but as PARENTS, not as pals.

The quote, as I understand it is "It is better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission." 

IMHO this does not apply in a long term equity life partnership.  It is a bad idea to not communicate and to put  your spouse on the back burner... ever.

I hope that your DH has actually found clarity through his recent epiphany and is not just polishing the turd that his behavior represents.

Good luck and take care of you.

"I would rather ask for forgiveness than permission."  My DH has asked for forgiveness,  I will never forgive nor forget the pain.  I let it go and am moving forward.  

My heart was crushed when I discovered the entire situation, thru a 2 page hate email from my SD.   She threw her Dad under the bus totally,  knowing he would never say a word to her, as he never had my back and would not today. 

Of course it was devastating to me, because I gave trust and all to my DH 34 years, before reading this email; that revealed years of betrayal.   My SD57  wanted me to know everything, knowing she was never going to face consequences.  There has never been an apology from either of these toxic a$$'S.  Karma visits often, but I never feel bad for them, I just continue to move forward.  You see, sympathy also went cold.  My SD57 hates my positive attitude.  We have an anniversary this month, 39 years.  It's just another day to me now.

Our love was a ring of fire for years.  The entire fire was wiped out, there is no trust, and most days I can't stand to talk to my DH.  This was five years ago, but has forever changed.  I am finished with my spark, just never going to reignite. 

My decision for the future.  I am at the age I do not want to start over.  We have a very comfortable life.  SD57 told me to move out of our beautiful home, give it to her disabled Dad, and leave.  Keep in mind SD has never given one minute (I am not exaggerating) of care or physical assistance to her dad.    I had just retired 3 years prior, after a 30 year career.  

The rest is history.   My SD57  is history to me, I have totally disengaged from it all.   I am caring for my totally disabled husband, I am kind to him, caring, civil, and most of all respectful.  I have my own reasons for staying at my age, that being I earned my retirement years I am enjoying and will never give it up.  Everyone has different circumstances.   That said, I totally get your spark going out.

It is heart breaking.  So sorry.  ((Hugs)))  

While I love my DH deeply and 99.9 of the time our marriage is amazing, I can say once I learned the coward he actually is to these rude ignorant adults a spark did go out. I changed how I looked at him in my heart.  I am very guarded now, like many of us here...I have no other choice.  He will never change, never parent, and that genuine love 100 percent feeling, I know is forever lost.  In a way, I am disgusted  with myself for not seeing it until long after we are married.  I live with that thought too.  The trust, the feeling he will always be there to protect me, I learned the hard way was a fantasy, and, it left  me about the second time he turned his head to direct insults.  I love him, but it is different, scared no doubt.

I grew up I guess, this site helped tremendously.  I do not need him financially and now I do not count on him for support (with regards to them). We are partners in all other ways, but opposition with regards to the nasty people he takes any crumb from.. He does not expect me to be with them, ever; likely because he knows it would end our marriage and it would. I will not spend what little time I have in my life with nasty people (he's just as weird around them); and if that includes my YES husband, he can go with them too. No, never again for me...living in a dream world was the worst thing I did.

Personally, any marriage dealing with this sickness has to lose something, but the degree the flame goes out depends on how the daddeeee figures out how to handle it in order to protect his wife from becoming invisible, extra family trash.

He was just trying to rug sweep the whole thing.  He did what he wanted and buying you flowers and candy was supposed to make it all right and good. Buying you off, He show his true colors,  He should of taken you with him as a family.  Not treat you as a bed warmer and eye candy 

As long as she tolerates it he'll continue to do it. Counseling won't help unless he changes, 9 times out of 10 they don't. I was in a decent position because I had my own home that I rented out. One time my DH canceled our camping trip because the BM wouldn't let the kid come over. Why should we suffer and our kids? I let him know I was going to move out with the kids. It never happened again, but there's enough stuff in our marriage whereby my kids and pets are the #1 things I care about. Like the poster above I am at a age where I'm comfortable and have pretty much moved on. OP let him know what the consequences will be if he does it again, and follow through. To me the only way to make that up would be a trip next Xmas with just the two of you. See what he says about that.

I am just like many others on this site. I will never be around DH's spawn again. They are not welcome in my house. When DH's daughter was around DH had 2 wives. I will not be in any situation with DH acting like he has 2 wifes. DH has to suffer the results of him letting his spawn think she is his wife. His grand spawn will never see DH's house, spend the night, etc. I have set boundries now. I am totally disengaged. His spawn including grand spawn do not even exist to me.

This situation is because of DH. He made it this way. He made his kids his emotional spouses. He now lives with the results. No one to blame but himself. Sick dynamics. 

We can have a marriage as long as DH keeps his spawn 100% out of our marriage. He can go visit them away from our home. He can never have his wife and spawn in the same place. His lack of parenting and making them spouses created this.

DH's spawn is already creating the next generation of sickness with her spawn. DH kept thinking that I should also want to worships at the grand spawn alter. That everyone in the universe should want to be able to bow down at the kids alter. He is so special. Not happening. Just another messed up narcissist. 

The spark is not the same anymore. I will always be guarded. I will never fully trust. 

You hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how I feel. 

How on earth does someone tell a spouse at the last minute about going on a trip? I don't get it. DH and I put things on each other's calendars so we know what was going on. I can't imagine not keeping each other up to date, regardless of what was going on. I know when my DH is going to the doctor - you don't know when yours is going on a top secret trip with his princesses? 

My Dh used to behave like this, and it later came out that his adult DD's were putting pressure on him and he felt like he needed to make them happy. But over time he realized the only way he would make them happy was to get rid of me and he wasn't willing to do that.

Similar things happened in our past, and DH said he thought he could do what he wanted and ask for forgiveness later. He saw I was done when I started packing up and moving things into a storage unit, and then he got off his lazy butt and started addressing issues and making changes. He had taken me for granted, and realized I was out the door.

Your DH is at the beginning of this road. And you need to decide how much crap you are willing to put up with moving forward. 

We did get the spark back in our marriage, but it took time of me regaining my trust for him putting our marriage first. His daughters are middle aged and act like babies now and it's so obvious. He's not giving up his happy life for that.