Advice on step-parenting an ex SS
Back story: So, my ex-husband (I will abbreviate as EH) and I just finalized our divorce on 12/30 after a 7 year relationship. He has two sons whom lived with us full time, except for summers. I am assuming EH thought I would miraculously disappear from their lives. I didn’t talk to the kids for almost 6 months (there were some abuse issues with EH which made me fearful/hesitant/uncertain of reaching out). EH is furious because I asked for spousal support. He assumed he wouldn’t owe me any money (including equity from our home) since he has 2 children and I have none. He seriously kicked me out of my home and offered me $0 (he would take all of the debt if he could keep all of the assets). Obviously, I got a lawyer.
Today: SS11 was acting up and getting in trouble, which is not like him at all. EH eventually got it out of SS that he was sad because he wasn’t able to talk to me. EH reached out and asked if I would speak with SS. I was elated SS reached out, as I had started missing him as well. We set up monthly visits. However, EH is making every interaction with him a pain. The first visit, after agreeing to also let me take our 2 dogs (whom I also haven’t seen), he later refused to let me take them since I “stole” his money. Then, he had is new GF over at the house when I dropped SS off (without alerting me before hand, or even introducing us, which is just tacky and opens the door to tension which isn’t good for SS). This month is the second time I will see SS, and EH sent me a hostile email about how he wants me to unblock him so we can text instead of email arrangements with SS. I told him I refuse to unblock him until he proves he can be civil towards me. Eventually, he caved and continued email me, but he’s still calling me names and being derogative (calling me an idiot, greedy b*tch, and telling me to f-off).
Predicament: I am desperately trying to heal from the traumas experienced during our relationship. I want to be there for my SS, but I don’t want to have to deal with EH. As a SM, I can easily walk away from this without any legal obligation, but my heart is being pulled between being there for SS and healing myself.
Any advice or experience is greatly appreciated.
wow! hes cussing at you?
wow! hes cussing at you? forward all his communication and start CCing to your ex MIL and ex FIL, maybe that will clear up his potty mouth
@notsosureanymore I have
@notsosureanymore I have been in your situation with an ex. I missed the kids and they missed me. I still helped out with the kids, picked them up from daycare, whatever. It was an attempt to hold on to the past.
In your situation RUN from the past. RUN. It's not worth it and you owe these kids nothing.
Wow. I was kind of expecting
Wow. I was kind of expecting some people to encourage me to see SS. Would you mind elaborating on why I should stay away?
You were abused and it's best
You were abused and it's best for you to cut the cord from the situation as he's using this contact with you to continue to abuse you.
I would stay away because
I would stay away because this is too messy.
Those kids have a mother, and eventually, they'll have a new stepmother. At some point, you won't fit in the picture anymore and it will hurt you.
Think about it... It's just odd. I get that you two were together for a long time, but in my opinion, it's ex-DH's job to communicate to the kids that you two have split and it's time to move on.
If he does not already have a
If he does not already have a smart phone it won't be too long before SS-11 has one and then your comm with him can occur directly rather than being interfered with by XH..
You are better off having this discussion with SS-11 soon an starting to ween yourself off of any interface with XH. You protected your interests in the divorce, that pisses XH off. That is on his idiot ass and not on you.
If a relationship with SS-11 is going to happen it will be cyclical until SS ages enough for the two of you to cut daddy out of that relationship entirely.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
I would offer one specific
I would offer one specific day each month. I would not do pick up or drop off.
”I will not continue to discuss this with you. I am available to see SS in my home the first Friday of every month. 5pm - 9pm. You may email by Wed to inform me if he is coming. No email and I will make other plans.
I will not do transportion. I am willing to call a cab. If you are picking him up, he will be ready at 9pm, watching for you. Do not approach my door.
Non-negotiable. No time changes.”
My guess as to what has
My guess as to what has happened is that exH planted the seed in SS’s head to want to see you and continue to have a relationship with you. He is manipulating his son, and using his son to manipulate you in order to allow for the abuse to continue. I would bet huge money that is exactly what is behind all this.
Im sure your SS has missed you, but I would be willing to bet he has NEVER volcalized that to dad.
He wants to continue abusing you, and he also wants a sitter so he gets more “me time” for dates and things like that. You need to ask yourself WHY this is all of a sudden a thing 6 months later. Kids are risilliant and if it wasn’t an issue in those 6 months it wouldn’t just all of a sudden be one now. And it is your exH’s responsibility to explain to his son how this all works- not yours to feel guilty about.
i would say “sure go ahead and do it” IF exH was being kind about it and towards you.... he is not. I know it is sad, but honestly if you just step out now it will make more sense for the kid... not when exH refuses to allow you to see him down the road once he is used to having one on one time with you.
You are literally being used and abused here. Also and very importantly, if he is abusive you are putting yourself at huge risk.... for most domestic abuse cases who end up murdered it happens AFTER the break up!! All it takes is for him to get mad that his new girlfriend cheated and you are to blame that his life has fallen apart, or his son tells him he thinks you have a new boyfriend . Stay away.