Moms that raise skids 100% and bio kids 50%
Is there any woman out there that raises their skids more than their bios??? I’ve been with my bf now for a year and a half and have with struggling with the possibility of this for a while and questioning the relationship for wayyyyy too long bc of this possibinility. I love him dearly and he is very good to me, and when we are together, it’s awesome and fun, and not to mention, a very connected and compatible sex life. I have my own place about 7 miles away from him. He is a widow with two children 13year old girl (extremely difficult beyond words) and 19 year old son (many issues with depression and school etc). When I met my boyfriend, I never imagined how in love I would become, but all the while, I’ve been having these ridiculous doubts even though I’m in love with him. I know what my doubts are about. They were about the possibility of taking these two kids on 100%. The daughter certainly would never want to live with me. That’s clear. Im not her deceased mom. I sympathize with the kids for losing their mom, but they are extremely difficult and the daughter has even been very nasty to my two girls. Who are six and 10. I share custody 50/50 of my girls and it’s tough bc I miss them so much. Don’t get me wrong, having some of that free and alone time is nice sometimes but I always miss my babies and if it were their choice they would live with me 100%. NJ is a 50/50 state. If a parent wants it, they get it. My ex and I split three years ago, and in court when this happened I really thought my life was over. I learned a new way of living and I appreciate every moment I have with my babies. But then incomes my now BF . He’s one of the first man in my life I actually trust and I truly feel like he loves me wholeheartedly and he absolutely adores my children. But the thought of ever moving in with him makes me cringe… Not because of him, because of his children. I would be writing for hours and hours if I were to tell you all of their issues. Point is, I’m in love with a man and I’m consistently having doubts for the last year because of his kids and the fact that I would never ever want to take them on more than my own. Are there any other women out there going through this? ? I have yet to meet one. I’m curious to see if I’m actually the only woman that would have taken on a situation so complex. My friends are all telling me as much as they love my boyfriend, if they met someone in his situation they would have never let it move forward. I’m not really sure what exactly allowed me to go on that first date. But I did it, and I remember at the time I was still sort of dating other people and the other men were either not trustworthy I felt like they all had some sort of cheating issues and just typical scum that I did not trust. This one was different. I trusted him and saw a man on a different level. FYI, he still lives in the widow wife’s home and cannot move anytime soon, just because of financial constraints. We both have good jobs but it can be very difficult in the state of New Jersey. A tiny home is about $400,000. So the overnights may average about once a week. And quite honestly, that’s not enough for me. I’m finding myself waking up in the middle the night with major anxiety that I never ever had before I met him. Why is this? I have a man who loves me and worships the ground that I walk on, but yet why do I have such anxiety and why do I doubt this relationship more than I’ve doubted anything? I know I need a therapist about this. I’ve been looking for a good one. But speaking to other people like me may be helpful. Thanks for any insight!
If you want this relationship
If you want this relationship to last and work, you have to do the work to make it happens. This post is going to seem like I am beating up on you and I am sorry if it comes across that way. I don’t intend to. It is merely the way I write and I am pressed for time at the moment. So with that said, here goes...
A lot of your issues that you mention is your view of the situation – and it is toxic IMO. Honestly, if I were in a relationship with you and I found out how you thought – especially about my kids at the outset - my first instinct would be to dump you and move on. Just as you have spoken to your friends, if he were my friend, I would tell him to move on too.
You do not have the luxury of a clean slate with your partner. You have a history and so does he. You need to realistically assess your situation and find ways to deal with what you see as the obstacles
to your relationship running smoothly. No relationship is without challenges. Yours certainly isn’t.
Do you have any understanding of the emotional complexities a young child deals with in having a parent die? Do you have any appreciation of the sense of loss, abandonment, rejection, confusion, grief a child has to process in dealing with a death of a parent? This often has nothing to do with you.
New relationships can threaten a child if not handled correctly: you can, through no fault of your own, threaten a child’s sense of self, their view and understanding of the world, their place in their surviving parent’s life... which has already been shattered through the death of a parent. Have the pieces been put together in any way for the child? How? A widowed spouse can move on to someone new and different. No one will replace the mother the children lost. Have you defined for yourself and the children what your role will be to the children? You assumption that you are to be “mom 100% of the time” to these kids is a recipe that is going to end in failure for all of you. I can promise you it is NOT what these kids want.
There are a few facts you need to learn to accept and deal with:
You wrote that you need a therapist. I would agree with you. There are some issues of your own and some issues relating to your SO that you need to learn to deal with in a constructive manner. They are complex and challenging. It would help if you could clearly see what you are dealing with – even making an assessment as to if your SO is actually emotionally ready to move on to a new partner. He may or may not be and it could be a mistake to hitch yourself to this man as processing the death of a spouse is a complicated process. Dealing with children afterwards is hard too. Also, before you fully commit to your SO, make sure he has fully come to terms with his wife’s death. It may appear to you and him that he has. It is not always the case. Before you do, I recommend you deal with your own issues first – because they are there and that is why you have doubts too. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Making sure you are equipped emotionally and psychologically to deal with your own baggage you bring to a relationship – and then to see if you can deal with his. Knowing you need the insight of a therapist is a good start to help you assess yourself and your relationship before you continue to make huge mistakes – because you already have. (Assumptions on being 100% Mom to skids, resentment around his time with his kids, imposing your idea of a fair time schedule on his kids etc.)
Wow! Thank you so much for
Wow! Thank you so much for putting so much into that response. And I’m sorry to hear about your situation, as well. I guess, it was the middle of the night and I couldn’t sleep again. My girls are not home and my boyfriends at home with his kids. I was having major anxiety and couldn’t sleep. I understand where you’re coming from, and believe you and me, I do sympathize with the kids more than you can imagine. I am a moms mom and lovvvvve children. Although I have a very stable career by day, I was at gymnastics coach for about 16 years as well, so being around children is clearly not the issue. Maybe that is why these feelings scared me so much. Because out of anyone that I know, I feel like I would be the one that God would grant additional children too. LOL
Well I understand where you’re coming from, please realize, that these children have apparently had their own set of issues well before their mother passed. She passed away from cancer about three years ago. I know she was sick from 2015 and then on hospice. That does not make any of it easier, because losing a parent or anyone close to you has got to feel like your world is over. And I would never ever act as their mom or feel that I was there mom. You only have one mom and that was their mom. With that said, there are a few variables here. For example, my boyfriend usually gets home from work around 6:30 PM. I get home around 4 PM on a good day. His daughter will always be there and she will need me possibly for driving her to a sport or something like that. The other day it hit me, that naturally, I would be help helping him. ( that is where the “mom type” responsibilities clearly fall into place.) I ask myself is that something I want to do rather than come home to my nice quiet home by myself. Being that my girls are six and 10 years old when they’re home there’s a lot of energy to say the least. LOL. So while it’s hard to not have them, it’s nice to come home to serenity and just walk around and comfort or even go to yoga or do my own thing. I could see having someone else’s kids around here and there but this is a different situation. Not only that, but my own children. I feel they would resent me and be very bitter. It kills them that they are not with me 100% of the time and yes while a dad should get the same opportunities as the mother etc. etc., my girls do not want this by any means and that’s a whole Nother book I can write. My ex husband was cheating on me terribly with a waitress in our town and when we split I was in our marital home with my girls for about 10 months sometimes he was missing in action. When the divorce was finally going through I told him it was time to sell our house and I started looking for a new and we were going to sell and in the 11th hour he decided to move in with his girlfriend and keep the house, my marital home of 10 years. Needless to say, that’s old news and I lovvvvvve my new house more than I ever loved that home. But when my girls go back-and-forth, they live with her half the time. She has a son who is on the same exact schedule. So yes, I do see a couple, my ex and his girlfriend who have a 50/50 situation where 50% of their time they have a house completely alone and they have time together and no doubt, that looks like it’s a pretty legit set up.... you can’t Deny. I am not them and it doesn’t matter what they do and quite frankly, just thinking of them disgusts me. And yes, I am 8000 times over my ex, and could care less about them and I actually laugh at the fact that she lives in my house and my bed.
What’s hard for me, is it’s hard to just get alone time with my boyfriend. But we are at a point almost 2 years and where I feel like things should be changing. He is head over heels in love with me. He has never once given me the inkling that he’s missing his late wife. Of course I’m sure he misses her for the children, that’s only natural. But even though they were married for 20 years, it seems as though they definitely were lacking in the romance. They had what sounds like a ho-hum marriage and there was a lot of fighting. He apparently never had that “in love“ situation. He feels that deeply with me and is consistently telling me that he has never felt even remotely like this with another woman. He doesn’t talk about her or compare me to her. Instead he just tells me how much he would love to marry me one day. He says it more than I ever well. I really don’t talk about it. Of course I would be married again one day. But being that I’m divorced, I will look at things from a different angle and make sure that everything is right. I know things will be perfect, but there needs to be a “fit“.
The issue, is that his daughter who is seemingly OK with the relationship early on, is now having some issues. She has never talked nasty to me, but the way she treats her father is ugly. She bosses him around and tells him when he could see me and when he can’t and can be very nasty to my children, moreover my six-year-old who to me is just a baby. She doesn’t necessarily want to be around them so on the rare occasion is when we put them all together they can seem like they’re happy and cute and sweet but then she’ll just be rude and nasty to them clearly straight out rude and it will hurt them very bad and they will cry to me. On Halloween her and her friends and my girls were all in the same development together trick-or-treating. They came back to get a bite to eat and she ran out with her friends and the little ones followed her, that’s basically mine and their friends. I couldn’t keep up with them as an adult and it was dark and somehow we lost them, and when my girls returned within 5 to 10 minutes later they were telling us that she was running away from them telling that they were dummies and to get lost. That hurts beyond words. My girls idolize her and treat her like she’s gold. Apparently my six-year-old tripped in the middle of the street right onto her face and a car could’ve come and hit her. I don’t leave my kids side and this was an anomaly that they ran off and trust me I had a conversation with my girls that they should not have left my side. So they were all at fault. But she is 13 and should know better. All she Had to do was tell her dad she did not want to trick-or-treat with younger kids. Keep in mind, she had been trick-or-treating for three hours with her older friends, without my children. This was going to be a half an hour with my kids. I mean, really. I was in eighth grade ones and I would’ve never ever ever said no to that. It’s just rude. She is addicted to her cell phone and does not lift her head up from her cell phone. She’s definitely FaceTime in on the Internet and doing God knows what with boys. I have conversations with my boyfriend all the time That it’s very hard to watch that and I would never allow certain things in my house. Like she shuts the door all the time and is on her computer and stuff. I don’t feel that’s appropriate for him to allow that. I don’t tell her and I don’t say it in front of her but I certainly talk to him about this. He just says that she’s 13 and wait till my kids are 13. I disagree. We could go on and on and on about the kids. But one or two of my boyfriends friends have admitted that his daughter has been difficult since she was a child. Well before mom passed away. They said she was always bossing her parents around and she’s extremely extremely difficult to be around and exhausting at that it’s very hard to watch that and I would never allow certain things in my house. Like she shuts the door all the time and is on her computer and stuff. I don’t feel that’s appropriate for him to allow that. I don’t tell her and I don’t say it in front of her but I certainly talk to him about this. He just says that she’s 13 and wait till my kids are 13. I disagree. We could go on and on and on about the kids. But one or two of my boyfriends friends have admitted that his daughter has been difficult since she was a child. Well before mom passed away. They said she was always bossing her parents around and she’s extremely extremely difficult to be around and exhausting at times.
this is why and when Instarted seriously worrying. While I may not be her “mom“, if I am living with them, I will automatically take on that sort of role without a doubt. So to say why would I “assume“ that that’s what I would be doing, it’s only natural that that’s exactly what would happen
Unclear
I am unclear. If you are not living with him yet, why are you home for his DD? What did he do for after school care before you came around? Why would you go to his house before he is home?
In an event, when I read that your DDs idolize your BFs DD, please keep in mind that frequently younger kids idolize older ones, but the reverse is not always true. I would not expect a 13YO to want younger kids to hang with them, especially if they are with their freinds. It may happen, but I would not count on it. The 13YO likely regards this as unpaid babysitting. If you claim to be a good mom, you never would have let your kids run out. Were you just coutnting on BF's 13YO watching out for your girls? Do your girls not listen to you? You need to deal with that. That is within your control.
IMHO, you should let your FDH deal with the computer and stuff like that. Is the 13YO mean to your kids if she is left alone, or only when they or you expect her to watch or entertain your kids?
Its up to you to decide if you are happy,
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your upmost and honest advice on this matter. As for his DD, we have never ever even remotely had her “babysit“ my girls. And on Halloween, it was one of those moments that you had to be there. His daughter was walking out of the house with her two friends and the little ones naturally follow them when it was time to go out and trick-or-treat. The homes are quite close in the development and I was putting my sneakers on to go after them. They were going right next-door. What happened was, his daughter took off and started sprinting with her friends and the little ones started following. I am extremely aware of my children’s whereabouts at all times and I am definitely not the type of mom that would let them do that type of stuff alone. They got a scolding for following the big kids but the big kids got a scolding for sprinting across the street where cars were driving 60 miles an hour. Again, you had to be there to see the dynamic. Any 13-year-old is smart enough to know not to desert a six-year-old in the middle of the street. My kids are good kids and their sweet loving children that come from a good family. I am an educated woman with a great career in medical sales and has made a good life for my girls. So while you say that I should leave this up to her father to make the rules, I would certainly not live with a child who is able to walk all over her father when I do not let that happen with my girls in my house. They will look up to her and I certainly do not want them following suit. Being that I am vested in my boyfriend, that means I will be vested in the kids and they will be part of my life forever. That’s why it’s such a big deal. And yes, she is mean to them. It’s probably because deep down inside, maybe around, and her mom is not around anymore. It’s very sad. Sometimes I feel bad for my boyfriend. He’s only 47 years old and it’s like he’s not allowed to live because of the death of his wife. I’m 39 years old.
Its on you
While you were putting on your sneakers, you should have told YOUR kids to stay put. I do not see you accepting responsiblity, and I suspect your BF sees that too. IT.IS.NOT.YOUR SD'S JOB. TO WATCH YOUR.KIDS. Stop blaming everyone else when you make a mistake.
So what is the dynamic? That your kids want to be with your BFs DD, and you think it is OK to dump them on her? You keep saying that they are great kids and you are a great mom, so tell them to stay put.
I still want to know, why are you watching his kid after school. Stay at your house.
Don’t move forward, your
Don’t move forward, your intuition is telling you not to. Either keep your own place or let him go. Don’t put your kids in the position of being mistreated by step siblings regardless of how hard those step siblings have had it. Your first responsibility is to your kids.
I haven't read any of the
I haven't read any of the responses cuz I feel the answer is clear in your first post. I get that you miss him, and feel that you finally found someone and want more time in love land with him. But is that truly... what you will be getting? The 13 year old has issues, which means, he's not being the best parent he could be.. and perhaps he doesn't know what to do since the Mom died. That's not ever going to be an area where you can do some Disney Dad talks and influence a change, and bring on new consequences. And I'm not sure you should try. The child lost her mother. She needs whatever time she needs.
Now fast forward to you all living together. Your new life with lots of time with your SO? Will be spent with a growing resentment. It WILL bother you how SD acts. It WILL bother you that SO doesn't change it. It WILL bother you to see your children be upset in that situation. All of those things will compound on your heart and feelings and there will be NO ESCAPE. And its not even a situation where you can fight the good fight of healthy parenting because.. he's a widower. Its a trump card. "you can never know how this feels" "its not the same as divorce" "she lost her mother"
Now amazingly, you have SO MUCH GOOD going on right now. You found an awesome guy, he's only SEVEN minutes away!! You are independent. You have ME time. You have US time. She's 13, so soon enough she will be grown. You are able to shield your kids from blended issues. You can protect your resentment meter by not having any responsibility of raising SD, OR.. watching how SO does not raise her correctly. Really.. for many stepmoms, your situation is the perfect scenario. How do you tell your SO you need to move out, have your own home, because his kids are heathens, but you still want to be together.. without it being insulting? You don't. Its impossible. You are already there, and its working kinda. You can even say no to moving in, for the good of all. "Yes I would love to live with you, but I have observed SD having issues with both me and my kids. I don't think she's ready. And moving quickly will cause disruption to her, us and my kids. As much as we want to, its not what is best for our kids. We can wait until SD launches and save ourselves a lot of drama and stress."
I know you miss him, and tha't's good in a way because it means you have good times with him. We don't miss people we don't like. You are blessed to have this friendship and relationship, enjoy the time you do have. If you move into a volatile, stressful situation, it could derail your relationship and you will end up with less quality time. See what you do have. Be real about what could possibly come if you merge. Read the site. It is pretty much a guarantee there will be "you are not my mom" issues. Tell him you don't think its best for all. Tell him, I'd love to see more of you, as she gets older, perhaps you will be able to come over more often. Then I would let him be to figure out for himself, how to find time to see you. If you solve the problem for him by going over there because SD won't let him come to you.. then he will never figure it out. Just tell him, I'd love to see you more at my house. And leave it at that. Limit your visits there.
Your anxiety about missing him is not a healthy reason to move your kids into a volatile situation. I think the solution there is mindfulness, therapy, more yoga, being ok with your indpenedence. Enjoying it.
Okay. That was some tough
Okay. That was some tough reading. WHITE SPACE PLEASE!!!! Use shorter paragraphs and save your readers sanity.
Now for my thoughts. You are wayyyyyy over complicating this IMHO. On the impact of the mothers death in your SO and his kids. The grief process generally takes between 2 & 4 years. So, all three of them are likely still processing and grieving her loss.
On the crappy behavior of SD-13. By all provided information your SO and his deceased wife were crappy parents who failed to effectively control and raise this kid. Do you really want to take this on and expose your own children to this crappy parent and his toxic spawn regularly for the remainder of their childhood?
If you do make this leap are you ready to take on this toxic situation not just for the next 5 years but potentially forever? Read the many stories of adult SKids in this community. Kids like this 13yo becone nightmares when they grow up.
so rather than wallow in the complexity filter it to the basics and make your decisions on the basics.
Good luck