My widowed BF has his daughter 100% of the time
Hi,
I am a divorced mom of two beautiful girls six and nine years old. I share custody, literally 50/50 with their father. My kids and I have been through hell more so due to the fact that their father was not good to me and they wanted to be with me 100% of the time, as I obviously wanted. He fought and fought and he got 50/50. Fast forward a few years later and it has become the new norm. Although my girls don’t really like this schedule, it is something that they have somewhat gotten used to. They don’t like it but they’ve adjusted.
I met a very nice man almost one year ago and we have been dating this whole time. He is a widow. He has a 12-year-old daughter and a 19-year-old son who is away at college. Although when I met his daughter I was very concerned being that she had lost her mom, things seemed OK. She always seemed to take to me very well and hugged me and always wanted to be around me. In the last two or three months, things have gotten slightly difficult with her. She is at the age where she can be nasty and confrontational and seems to break down very easily. She is just terrible to her father sometimes. But the irony is, she also acts like a mini wife. Like if myself or my daughters are around him for too long, she study only starts getting upset claiming she needs more time to just be with her father. By the way, we are really not around her that often. Being that I have my daughters 50/50, the time I have with them I like to spend with them in my home with the girls and then on the days that they are not with me I am either working my full-time job or I’m at yoga or getting stuff done around the house. So my BF and I really have to work hard to find time to be together. His main babysitter, the maternal grandmother. She lives practically across the street and she basically does everything for their daughter. Not only this, but more recently I can sense major animosity that his daughter has with my children. Although my children are sweet cute little things, they also can be six and nine, and they can be in her face and possibly get annoying to her at times. She really is not around them enough to warrant getting upset but every now and again she will complain to her dad almost wanting them away from her. This hurts me so bad because they live they look up to her and I obviously don’t want their feelings hurt. They have already been through so much. And then one day it hit me, what was I thinking? I have fallen deeply in love with a man who has his daughter 100% of the time. If my kids were to ever see me move in with someone 100% of the time be with his daughter and not them, they would just be ruined. I feel like my answer is right there in front of me, however, I love this man, I truly do. He is very good to me and my girls in so many ways. He is also very very much in love with me. He has genuinely shown me and told me in many ways how he has never felt love like this before. Obviously he does not tell his daughter this. She knows how much she cares about me, but she does not know that the feelings he has for me he never remotely felt for his wife. They were married 20 years and while I’m sure they loved each other and were in love, he never felt these deep intense love feelings. That feels good and feel special to have someone that really feels deeply for you. I have been in some relationships since my marriage, very short ones, but they were nothing like this. The feelings are so intense when we are together, that I want more time with him. I don’t have the girls many times and I am alone. It kills me. I don’t want to spend time in his house with him and his daughter anymore. Partially because I possibly resent her now. I’ve noticed all of the times that she’s basically blocked him and my plans because she needed more “daddy time“. Don’t get me wrong, I am very sensitive to the fact that she lost her mother two years ago to cancer. She was sick for a few years prior. However, I make her father very happy and she notices that. Part of me feels like I am in a situation that I definitely need to get out of and I don’t know how or why this is so difficult to leave. I must truly be in love with him because I don’t want to leave him. I love
My paragraph chopped off.
I really do love so much about my boyfriend. There are so many amazing qualities that he has, however, I can’t even imagine living with this child. My kids are all over him and absolutely adore him. And even if he was annoyed with them, because anyone can get annoyed with a child if they’re not listening, he would only be around them for literally 50% of the time. But also, the possibility of living with his daughter 100% of the time would be a slow reminder of what I can’t have, my own kids. I can’t seem to find anybody who actually lives with a stepchild more than their own children. At least not any moms. Opinions please. I am all over the place with this. Although she does seem to really love me at times, other time she seems to hate me. I don’t even think this has much to do with the mom as one would think it does. She doesn’t really bring the mother up. She seems to have more issues with the time the dad spends with me. Meaning, she wants her daddy to give him all of his time even if she’s not in the room with him and she’s upstairs playing with slime, just the mere fact that he is alone with no one makes her feel better. So sad. He tells me he wants to marry me and all of this stuff, but I know for a fact his daughter would literally lose her mind. I don’t think she even sees anything like that ever happening, and I know that the wife’s family is not necessarily fond of the fact that he is dating. Although I have met one or two of them just because of mere situations where we collided and they seemed OK .There is so much more to the story that I can’t even get into, but my biggest question is right here… What do I do? I have my girls 50% of the time. The longer this goes we will eventually live together and I will have his daughter 100% of the time she is very needy and picky and I don’t want my daughters to be anything like her. Part of me says to run, but I love him. But the fact that I have been thinking about this and constantly talking about it I feel like my answer is right there. Thoughts?! Thank you
Poster, could you please edit
Poster, could you please edit this to include paragraphs? The wall of words is just too difficult to read.
You don't have a winning hand in this game.
You have a SD who will always resent your presence and it will probably escalate. And she has a bio grandmother who is also not in your court and is probably willing to burn you at the stake eventually, too.
But it will primarily be the actions of the SD which will govern your relationship with this man. Make no mistake, SD is already aware of the power she wields over her father and she will continue to use it. He, being a guilty dad, will fall in line with her wishes. SD will also see your daughters as targets, so be prepared for that.
The one way to avoid all this drama is to just DATE this man and not move in or take it any more serious than it is - you will NEVER have a fully committed relationship with this man, no matter how you feel about each other. His daughter will always run the show.
Date him but don't take it any further. After awhile, you will see that you avoided HUGE heartaches for not only yourself, but your daughters too. You must make their well-being YOUR priority, so don't throw them into this toxic mess.
In the meantime, you never know ... you may run into another man some day who might be a perfect match for you. But this one ain't it.
Wow! Thank you for your input
I never realized how bad this really could be. It’s weird, it seems the longer we are together him and I fall deeper in love but I fall deeper concerned. I’m constantly looking up articles online when I’m not with him and I’m constantly discussing this with my friends and my concern. And that’s what started to make me scared. The fact that I keep on talking about it. The fact that I am now on this website looking for answers I’m looking for help. I definitely would love to hear with some other people have to say. You’re probably going to think this is funny, because I’m certainly not settling, however a lot of my Reasoning with this situation has been well it really be much better with someone else? Meaning, everyone has some sort of drama. The next guy will be drama with his ex-wife. Or with something else. Everyone will have something. But the daughter definitely is an issue. It’s funny how you made mention that she will make things hard for my children. I feel like my innocent little squishy babies have already been hurt by her multiple times. She threw a ball at my daughters face one weekend because she was annoyed with her. She summed up some story making it like my daughter got in the way. But both of my kids separately had the same exact stories. She got reasoning with this situation has been well it really be much better with someone else? Meaning, everyone has some sort of drama. The next guy will be drama with his ex-wife. Or with something else. Everyone will have something. But the daughter definitely is an issue. It’s funny how you made mention that she will make things hard for my children. I feel like my innocent little squishy babies have already been hurt by her multiple times. She threw a ball at my daughters face one weekend because she was annoyed with her. She summed up some story making it like my daughter got in the way. But both of my kids separately had this same exact stories. She got mad annoyed that they were around and wailed a ball in their face
so sad.
Listen
to your gut, i.e. that nagging voice in your head that is warning you
IMO, you are putting a lot of
IMO, you are putting a lot of blame on this child, as if you are using her as your excuse.
You already basically said that no matter if this child loved you to pieces and adored your two kids and welcomed you all right in, that you would not be able to tolerate it and would resent her. Why? Because your BF has his child 100% and you only have your girl's 50%.
You freely admit that. So even if the child did a total turn around, your problems with this man and the situation (aka his lack of a second parent and a second home for his child) would still exist. So why keep getting more and more involved?
Your daughters' bio-father isn't going away and you can't wish back your boyfriend's deceased wife. It's at least six more years before this child may go off to college like her older brother. Are you going to blame and resent this child that you couldn't move in and live with her father for at least six years because your two daughters would be hurt and upset because they only get you 50% and the other child in the home gets 100%?
You asked, and yes, there are women members here who live fulltime with their skids but less with their bios. And yes, they are plenty woman here who have previous children 100% but the steps only 50% or even EOWE. Your situation isn't particularly unique, it just usually happens the other way around where it's the man who has and sees his previous children less.
Being the child in question does tend to act out some and isn't overly welcoming to you nor your daughters, really just adds more reason to an already unfortunate situation in the choice of partner you're chosen to fall for. However, as you clearly laid out in your post, yourself, had this child been a perfect loving accepting angel, you'd still have troubles in the relationship you are in. I just think the child is 'helping' you come to that conclusion faster than you might have.
I have no doubt you love the gentleman and that he loves you, but you both seem to be two passing ships. Better to admit the timing and situation are just not going to work than to drag it out and have it all become worse as more time passes.
Can’t
Cant change the facts, You will always have your kids 50% of the time. No matter who you date. BF daughter is a going to be a problem, Any BF you will ever have kids are going to be a problem.
The fairytale has crash and burned. You are now entering a new time in your life. You are going to have give up things as your BF is going to have to give up thing to make the relationship work. Can’t tell you how much to give up, that up to you. Because his daughter lives with you 100% it doesn’t mean you have to her mother, you don’t have to be that involved with her. Hopefully the grandmother will continue to take care of her. Doing the mother thing. How your kids are going to fit in ?? Big question, no one can comment on this, We have no facts or insights on this
Its either not get involved with anyone, or you are going to have to adjust. This is with anyone you meet
Other big question. Is your BF looking for a mother for his daughter? Or a wife ? Or more likely. Wife and mother. You are not going to be a copy of his first wife. Did you two talk on what the responsibilities will be. Are you going to be a big sister, mother, the maid, How are you going to split the cost of running the home, vacations, gifts, the car, car for kids, college, weddings. Are you going to move in there house, are you selling it and getting a new your home
who makes more money, how you going to pay for bills, pool money into one account, or have house account that you each put. Him 1/2 and you put in 1/2. Rest of money you do as you want And on and on and on just keep reading the boards here for insight
Has he gotten his daughter
Has he gotten his daughter any counseling to deal with her mother's death? And himself counseling on dealing with his children, who have lost their mother (as well as his own grief)?
It is not as simple as, "time heals all wounds".
But, it seems there are other issues to take into account, also.
Ma'am I need to address the
Ma'am I need to address the following first, since YOU felt it imperative to post. The "my kids really want to be with MEEEEEEE 100percent, but their dad fought and fought for 50 50"--- that may work in some of your circles, your friends, your family but for many of us wiser women (and men) who know the value of both mom and dad in their Childs lives IS paramount. Your statement will not fair well on here. Kids love both parents, they need 'both parents'. The sooner you give your kids permission to love their dad equally to you the better your kids will be moving forward.
Everyone is welcome here and most IF not all of us support both parents equal access to kids. Unless of course one is a meth head, or in the clink for being criminally charged with felonies against kids. Least of which you mentioned here with your ex.
Short and sweet is IF you are not ready to be a full time presence to a child who's mother has died, please have courage to walk away. It is OK to do that. Your under no moral obligation to take on such a difficult and taxing challenge. Being a step parent is not for the faint of heart. Now add onto that a child and man who is grieving. WOW that is a hard one and you have a double whammy here too. The ghost of someone they both loved deeply.
Society or should I say the mis-informed expect men and women to love someone else child just like their own flesh and blood. Cant happen, wont happen.... one can not dismiss science in this dynamic. Please don't be hard on yourself IF you don't feeeeeeel the same love for your boyfriends child AS he does. It is normal not to have those feelings. Remember made UP fairytale to appease sensitivities of persons in general.
At this point based on many factors now is not the time for joint anything. Your not ready and remember that is not a bad thing. IT is a bad thing if you jump into this before you have 1. given your kids the freedom and permission to be with dad 50 percent. 2. Realize you CAN bring joy and enrichment into boyfriends daughter life but never love as much as bio mom. 3. Realize her Granny isn't a dumping place. She needs her daddy now, not to be pawned and shifted around. 4. Realize this poor child wont love you the same way as her mommy. AND not take it personally.
Take your time and best wishes. Look at everything based on truth NOT daydreams and fantasy.
yeah maybe
I know my son loves his dad the same amount as he loves me and that's fine. However, his dad is awful and was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and to him and incredibly neglectful to boot. One day my son will realise what the deal is - as I did, my ex is not a good guy. My ex has him 3 days in 7. Which in my opinion is too much, even though I actually enjoy my kid free days. This woman has also indicated that her ex treated her badly. Every situation is different and 50/50 isn't always the best solution - this woman knows her own kids and the situation better than you do.
I have no BKs and my DW and I
I have no BKs and my DW and I had the Skid (SS-25) all but 7wks per year from age 2-18. It worked for us. The key was making each other and the marriage our un-paralelled priority. The Skid, while the top marrital responsibility, did not trump each other or the marriage as priority.
I am confident that this philosophy would work in your situation. Though yours is by far the more complicted.
The facts are that your SD-12 is a full time kid in the home while your two are not. How you feel about that can be mitigated in two parts, first that none of the kids take priority over the relationship, and second that you and SO establish the standards of behavior for your home and you consistenly hold all kids in the mix to those standards in an age appropriate manner.
Don't move in with this guy
As ohers have said wait. I dated my now DH for 2 years while living in my own place with my own kids 50% of the time and he had his own house with his kids 50% of the time. I moved into his house at the two year mark and instantly regretted it. I felt like a fish out of water, like I didn't belong, etc. etc. I truly think I shoulf of waited longer. We have been together 9 years now and I still grieve for my own place. When our kids started fighting, I would just pack up and go home. It was WONDERFUL. Why in the hell would you want to move in with him and his mini-wife??