Desperate
So my husband had two kids, ages 14 and 11 from previous marriage and is obsessed with them to the point that our family/marriage is interrupted by this obsession. They are lovely kids and he has a responsability to them to see them and pay child support, to help with homework...I get that. I have two mention he has an every other weekend visitation right. But the obsession manifests in kids coming over whenever they want to,in our plans even holiday ones depending on what they want. He is obsessed with their summer vacation that has to take place at a certain date and if I can t take vacation or even if we were invited to the wedding he just took them. He bought his son tv for Christmas because he had just placed a tv we had in his daughter s bedroom. We spokr about buying furniture but the next day he bought them a piano. He just took down a Christmas light bulb he had bought for us so the kids found it as a present. This is sick. I don t have a say on when they get to come and how long they get to stay but I still havr to be around and be supportive. Last summer he took them on two vacations and every weekend to the sea. I don t understand what is wrong with him. All I want is for him to have a normal fatherly love for them and for the two of us to be a normal family unit. I know some say non living in step kids are family, but they are extended family not immediate one. His obsession is ruining and interrupting our life together I just feel a little bit of distance and for the kids to be more engaged in the life hey have with their mother who is actually the legal guardian would offer balance to everyone.
You don't have a say over
You don't have a say over your time and that's not fair. I hope you have your money separate from his so you aren't working to pay for this disrespect from him. Just what does he expect from you? You don't mention what he is like when the skids are not around. Dropping everything he had planned with you to take the skids is desrespectful and does not support the marriage. He has put them first and you have every right to be hurt and pissed off about it.
How much of this behavior is coming from his anger at BM and the mindset that he has to "beat her at parenting"?
I suggest you do a 180 from him and the skids and do your own things. Make yourself happy, find new ways to bring pleasure into your life. Take up a new hobby or devote time to a current one. He will be pissed that you found a way to thrive without him but that is what he is forcing you to do when he drops everything for the skids. He can not have it all and HE needs to find the balance. You came into this marriage with certain expectations that any reassonable adult has, the expectation that he is in realtionship with you first and foremost. Kids grow up and move on. A spouse that is cherished, loved and respected sticks around.
Is he saving for retirement? Is he thinking long term for his life or just caught up in the here and now and being a total disney dad for the skids??
Your hurt feelings are justified and unless he can see that, the marriage is doomed. IMO
You are right he is in a
You are right he is in a competition with her. But to be fair she isn t doing much a job resulting in the kids wanting to spend more time with us and her sendig angry texts.
You do need to talk to him
You do need to talk to him about how he just drops everything to get/be with his kids if it means he is cancelling plans with you, or if you are footing the bill for something and he expects you to pick up the tab for his kids.
However, being a parent who doesn't get to see his kids every day means he's going to take just about any opportunity he can to spend time with them. His kids ARE his immediate family. They aren't extended. They are the people he likely WANTS to spend time with. That's part of the reason why he had children.
So, separate finances, talk to him about needing notice before the kids come over, tell him that he needs to include you in discussions about bringing them along on holiday or to events that they weren't specifically invited to, and try to work out an equitable schedule where everyone gets time. If he is fine with his kids popping in and out whether you like it or not, then you may want to reconsider this relationship.
Thank you so much. The
Thank you so much. The finances are separate. My issue with the money spending was that he has asked for my support in setting a good example for them but when I suggest he be a little more reserved with pleasing them he gets defensive of them. It s not that I don t get it. But I do want to help and to have those kids value something more than the material stuff. Also my husband and I have taken separate vacations together. Sometimes he is great but at other times he just slips down a path where he makes me feel last or unimportant and I know he doesn t mean it or see it like that.
His children ARE immediate family to him
HIs children are immediate family to him. If he is spending your money on them, or not paying his fair share of household expenses, that needs to change.
I cannot imagine not wanting to see my DC more than every other weekend, so I can undersand wanting to take advantage of more time. That the ex is the legal guardian would not change what I wanted.
I agree with Lt, Dad, this may or may not be the relationship for you.
What would you do if BM
What would you do if BM suddenly died this afternoon?
Those pesky skids would be in Dad's home 24/7 365 and intruding on you.
Sounds like a red flag to me.
Sounds like a red flag to me. you better be into his kids because if not than you will misereable and you don't want to live like that. Talk to him let him know how you feel and depending on his response you have a choice to make. If he validates your concerns and is willing to do something then maybe you can stay otherwise run as fast as you can.
No child should ever come
No child should ever come before a spouse. Ever. Period. End of discussion. IMHO of course.
When a child is given priority over a spouse that marriage is on the nose dive to ending. And it should be.
Not to say that kids are not important. They most definately are. They are the top marital responsibility for both spouses whether they are related to both spouses or not. However, they are never the priority over the spouse or the marriage.
Time to build your marital calendar and rub DH's nose in it. Do not allow his obsessive parenting to interfere in your marriage. His visitation time should stick to the CO'd schedule. Beyond that..... what he is doing interferes in your marriage and it needs to be confronted. Catering that extremely to a child just creates an entitled monster and when it comes at the expense of time with and focus on a spouse... it ends in yet another divorce. Even more tragically... it sets that child up to do the same thing to their future spouses. And, far more likely than not, there will be more than one.
IMHO of course.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your answers, you each have a point. Regarding my husband, the sad thing is he actually believes he is putting me first and fulfilling his obligations to his kids. Also despite spoiling them he believes that he has set some limits. Maybe he has to some extent and I also know he is feeling guilty. He was willing to stay in a bad marriage for their sake. The divorce wasn t his idea. I also have to mention that he ex moved with the kids at her mother s house and I moved into what according to me WAS their home. However he has entertained thelis delusion for them that that is still their house and despite the fact they live with their mom they can always come home. To me it is extremely disturbing but I know it s not their fault and I feel bad for them. The divorce was 4 years ago and my husband s attitude was worse. He has since loosened up a bit and I do have a good relationship with the kids. At times I miss them and they themselves are not the reason I am upset. I have spoken to him and he is willing to make the most of our time and give it a little more priority but he said he wouldn t feel ok telling them not to come over if they called. I guess I do understand but inside it does hurt because to me the two of us are a separate family even though they are his kids. I told him I would be supportive if he asked for shared or full custody because at least things would be clear. I hope I make sense. I do love him very much and the kids as well. It s just too much at times.
But does he love you???
But does he love you??? Truly loves you?? Sounds like he could use some therapy to disengage from that first family/marriage.
You say he was willing to stay in a bad marriage, that makes me wonder just how much he commits to the marriage he has with you.
I know from experience that my marriage did not get better until my DH was able to let go totally of that first family and the guilt he had for all the failures from the choice he made to pair up with BM. He is totally devoted to us. Until you know what that feels like, you will continue to settle for the scraps he's throwing at you.
He will never disengage from
He will never disengage from the past. He is not the type and he just doesn t understand the normality and sanity of it. He said he would never be happy knowing his kids are looking at him enjoying life and not having access to the same. He cries over his father s death that was 5 years ago and remembers quarrels with his first gf. But to the question whether he loves me or not...as strange and stubborn as he is...he moves mountains for me in every other aspect. I am sure of his love I am just unhappy with his way of handling the kids situation.