Someone posted a blog that really hit close to home today.  "why for her and not me" and it really hit home, especially today.

I am the only one actually giving to him both on an emotional and financial level instead of being a perpetual drain

This. ^^^^^^ 100%

And like her, it frustrates the hell out of me.

Dh had his first child with BM when he was 27.  They bought 1st house together.  He proposed to her in Hawaii for fecks sake, renting  a white limo and proposing at a luau in front of tons of people over a microphone.  They went on vacation every year.  He used to get her flowers all the time, cards (she was nice enough to put them all in a bag and give back to DH after they split, and I got the joy of him sharing ALL of these with me, and all the sweet things he had written her over the years).  He used to give.her.money. towards her getting her hair and nails done.  I would never expect that, if I wanted that done I would pay for it myself.  He shared all of these things with me, all the ups and downs of their relationship.  Pictures of all of them together as a family going to the park and all of them are dressed in coordinating outfits for these pictures.  HUGE lavish celebrations in their backyard of the home, barbecues, banquet tables, buffets, his family and her family together celebrating a birthday or some milestone.  Professional family portraits.

I come along, and it's a completely different story.  We can't do anything as a couple without including SS.  There are hardly any pictures of me on our camping trips, rare beach trips, etc they are ALL of SS (taking  a drink, making a peace sign, staring at something, you get the idea).  The last "vacation" we took just the two of us was our honeymoon in 2016.  Before then it was a week trip down south in 2010.  Never had a family picture taken.  Never host a get-together unless I am paying for it, and it's nothing like the pictures I've seen that they did, and most of the time nobody shows up.  They came to our housewarming, and it seemed they were disappointed that DH wasn't supplying the alcohol and a buffet.  Everyone left after soon after whereas at BM they have pictures going from afternoon into the evening.

I feel like I am a "second choice". And yeah I get "kids come first" and all that crap, but I feel like I'm an afterthought. 

We ran out of groceries again, DH went out and bought exactly enough food to get us through visitation on Friday-today (Monday) but after today we have nothing for us.  He spend $50 on food for one fecking visitation weekend because he went to an expensive store by our house instead of to a general grocery store because "I can't be gone that long on a visitation weekend!!" It's only a ten minute drive difference.  Bring SS with, responsibility doesn't "go away" just because he is here.  And we could've eaten for the week on $50 buying there.  Ham, egg, cheese omelet, gourmet chili dogs with choice of toppings, SS favorite pie and ice cream for a "treat", tacos...I looked at the receipt and did the meal-math in my head and asked him "so what are we eating when we don't have SS?" and he said "I don't know".   Saddest part is he made it a POINT to show me the receipt...SMH what DH you want a "atta boy!" because you can feed your fecking spawn and not us? Not my job anymore. 

I bought SS $60 worth of Legos for Christmas online after discussing it with DH, he was going to pitch in.  It was a bulk lot of 1600 legos, SS loves to build and it will add on to the one bucket of legos he already has to he can build more things.  Then the package arrived, and DH was upset because "SS will only have two things to open!" Que him going online IMMEDIATELY after drop off yesterday and finding this massive lot of "Skylanders" for Nintendo Wii.  He informs me he is leaving to pick this item up and heads right back out the door.  I thought we were going to have some "alone time" and had put a movie in for us, he wasn't even watching for the first 15 minutes he was on his damn phone looking for gifts for SS, then leaves.  Oh, did I mention he bought a surround sound system for the basement for no reason other than "he wanted one".  Then he was upset that the base in the upstairs sound bar was better and started to dismantle the sub to swap for the one downstairs.  I stopped him by saying "what are you doing with my "birthday gift" DH?" He looked like a deer in headlights.  Sure DH, of course that was meant for my birthday and not something you wanted for yourself.

  I stop the movie, he is gone for two hours, returns with a big box filled with paper bags and starts pulling everything out and piling it all on the couch I am sitting on exclaiming "I got all of these for $80!! And I can wrap each one, so SS will have 50+ gifts to open!!".   I just stared at him...I felt everything inside me just die.  Literally I haven't felt this low since a family member passing.  WTG DH, you just gave SS a $140 Christmas after spending over $100 on his birthday in October and the $80 bike for no reason....glad every time something is for SS it's $100 or more.  Meanwhile, he says he has no idea what to get me for Christmas and asks if we can "not do gifts this year".  I'm glad I haven't bought him anything yet, was going to go this weekend.  Nope. Done.  I had a dream that DH and I had a bio son, and he asked me "mom, why do we only do fun stuff when SS is here? Why does daddy ignore me when SS is here?" and I almost laughed insanely when I woke up in a cold sweat because I really think that's what would happen.

Why are men so clueless?? When did they stop trying? My mom and dad (before divorce) used to have "date night" every single friday.  They made time for one another once a week.  Why did they divorce? Mom's entire world revolved around thier bio son.  Dad felt like he didn't exist and was carrying the burden of the household expenses on his shoulders.  I'm starting to get why he left.  I think I'm going to call him tonight.

 Did I mention DH is now "on call" for his job once a month for 8 days? Guess what his schedule is? Not on visitation time, of course not.  So now we are down to one weekend a month together instead of two, can't leave for a getaway or anything because he to leave at the drop of a hat if he gets called.  He has his entire schedule mapped out for call next year...and none of them interupt his visitation time. 

I've gone online and looked for pet-friendly apartments....I can't afford any of them.  All my friends are happily married with kids.  And the last person I shared an apartment with screwed me over on rent and we lost it.  Then theres the fact that this house is in my name and DH...DH has changed since last month.  He is paying his share now, he has stopped drinking, but now he's just as far up SS a$$ as SS is up his and I still don't exist. 

New Years resolution:

start working out again

get my hair colored at a salon, no more box crap to save money.  Get my pride back.

talk to dad about the house they are renting, see if they have an extra bedroom so I can get back on my feet again

start putting away money each month and stop spending anything on DH and his Spawn

Stay single, IF I meet someone the FIRST requirement is going to be NO KIDS. NO BAGGAGE.

Put myself FIRST again, nobody else is.  Just bought PIYO to start my new workout regime...can't do certain movements due to foot injury from last year that never healed and throbs now that it's cold out.

I'm done.  It might take awhile, not easy to leave a house you just purchased, lawyers are expensive.  Maybe if I leave DH will realize how good he had it.  Two can play the game DH, starting today you and spawn don't exist to me either.