Boyfriend's son calls the shots in our relationship, how to handle?
I'm new to the forum, and I'm hoping for some advice. I'm divorced with married, adult children. My boyfriend is recently divorced with a teenage son who refuses to meet me, and is trying to maniupulate and dictate the terms of our relationship, right down to where I spend my holidays. My children, who live out of state, have no issues with our relationship. I need some advice on how my BF can handle this complex situation.
We've been together for several months, but have kept our relationship quiet until his very acrimonius and long drawn out divorce was settled and final. We've been "public" for nearly 4 months now, and I've recently moved in with him.
His 18 year old son is in college, but still lives with his mother. By all accounts, he is a well liked, hard working acheiver. My BF's ex-wife actively practiced parental alienation with this boy throughout their marriage, and admits it "ex: your dad would rather work than spend time with you, etc". Now, his son uses this to manipulate his father into getting what he wants, and my BF is desperate for his son's affections and is willing to do and give him anything he wants or demands. I have seen some incredibly beligerent and demanding texts from his son. My BF says that's the way his ex-wife talked to him throughout their marriage, and his son treats him the same. To everyone else, this boy is loving, polite and respectful.
My BF finally told his son about me nearly 2 months ago, but he has refused to meet me. He says he's "not ready." I'm fine with that, and told my BF that we should give him space and time to deal with this. I know he's been through a lot with the divorce, and the parental alienation isn't his fault - he's a victim. However, he has begun to dictate the terms of our relationship, including how the holidays will be spent. He recently informed his father that he will be coming to his father's house on X days of the week, and "she will not be there." On Christmas, I can stay at the house on Christmas Eve and morning, but "she will not be at the family Christmas" at my BF's parents house and the rest of his family on Christmas day (who by the way, have embraced me and welcomed me into their family). My BF's parents are elderly, and although they recognize the manipulation, are at a loss as to how to deal with it.
When my BF tries to tell his son that he doesn't get to dictate those terms, his son has a melt down and says he is choosing me over him and lays a huge guilt trip on him, that "you chose your business over me, and now you're chosing her." (right from his mother's mouth, I'm sure) We caved in to his Thanksgiving demands and I had to decline my BF's mother's invite, and spent the holiday elsewhere. Now, predictibly, he is trying to dictate where I spend Christmas. My BF wants to put his foot down, but he is genuinely afraid of losing his son over this. I know he needs counseling to attempt to undo all the damage, but in the meantime, can we please have some advice on how to handle this particular holiday issue? I need my BF to hear from a 3rd party, rather than me. Thank you for any suggestions!
First and foremost. The son's
First and foremost. The son's behavior is not about you AT ALL. He doesn't hate YOU -- he'd hate anybody his dad is dating.
The more power that boy has in your relationship, the more he will take. He does NOT get to dictate the terms of an adult relationship. He has a meltdown? So what? Appeasing him just means he learns that his manipulations work.
That boy needs the help of a therapist to get his sh!t together.
As for Christmas.... Your BF can have a conversation something like this: You've made it clear that you'd rather not spend the day with Tryinghard, but the rest of the family wants to and I do too . Your grandmother invited her, just as she did at Thanksgiving, but she declined because it upset you so much. We can't keep playing this game. I love you, but Tryinghard is part of my life too, and she will be with us for Christmas. I hope you will also be there, but I won't force you and it's your choice to make."
Meltdown ensues. Accusations are made. Dad keeps repeating, broken record style, "I love you and hope you will be with us on Christmas." Will he lose his son over this? Highly doubtful, especially if your BF can get therapy arranged pretty quickly after the holidays.
His son is 18
Not certain if he can get the kid into therapy.
True - legally he's an adult
True - legally he's an adult and has rejected therapy thus far. We're hoping he changes his mind.
Therapy
Has your boyfriend suggested his son and he go to family counseling? Family counseling implies that the family is not functioning, not that one member needs to change. A good conselor will listen to each member, and try to work on solutions. If sone won't agree to that, I think your boyriend should see a counselor on his own. There are so many questions I would ask. Does BF try to see his son regularly, or only for "photo ops" like holidays? Does he try to meet his son for a cup of coffee and talk, and listen? Of is BF too busy? The son may regard you as the other woman, and think to himself that not only did dad not have time for me becuase he was working, but becuase he was with you. This may not be entirely fair, but also may not be without some factual basis.
If Dad does see a counselor on his own, he needs to be entirely honest, becuase he may have had some shortcomings as a father. I would also caution OP, you have heard one side of this apparently long term marriage. I would suggest there may be another side.
Your SO is recently divorced?
And you have just gone public? If you were having any relationship while his parents were married, kiss any relationship with the son goodbye. Even if you did not, it seems like the kid has not been given enough time to move forward.
Trust me, your BF giving in
Trust me, your BF giving in to his son is not going to make any difference. It just allows the kid to get what he wants and manipulate everybody.
Your BF DOES need to put his foot down because the bottom line is, he has basically lost his son already, due to the parental alienation. His son obviously has no respect for him, nor does he care if his father is happy or not. He is on a power trip, that is all. It has nothing to do with caring about his dad or wanting to spend quality time with him. He simply wants to see if his dad will jump.
His son is 18, it is time for your BF to live his life and if his son doesn't want to be a part of it, that is his choice. Your BF is not shutting him out or choosing you over him, he's trying to include him in his life, which includes you.
And, his son may have been alienated but he certainly knows what he is doing with his demands and that is not victim behavior.
Sending me away on holidays would certainly not be an option that I would keep entertaining.
My SS is 18 and he was
My SS is 18 and he was actually completely alienated from us for over 3 years. He came back recently because his mother wants more money and thinks it looks bad for her in court for them to have no relationship. He is totally enmeshed with BM and she pulls his strings - he does whatever she wants.
Parental alienation is about giving kids too much power in the family system. Early on in the alienation, my SS tried making demands to get DH to give him what he wanted and DH refused. He decided that he left BM because she was abusive in this way, and he would not allow anyone else to abuse him, even his son. This was a pattern in BM's family - her sisters are alienated from her father, and only speak to him if he gives them money. DH was not going to replicate that. My SS does have respect for DH and he knows he won't be manipulated.
As hereiam said, your BF's son is already lost, and letting him have all the power will only make the situation worse. He's 18 and if he chooses not come over because your BF won't give let him dictate everything, then so be it. Having a relationship with him that's based on his son dictating everything is not a healthy one, anyway.
Yes, he's a victim, as is my SS, but he's also an adult and responsible for his actions.
Let your BF know that you won't be excluded based on his son's wishes, because ultimately, BF does need to make a choice. Let him make that choice, but don't invest more in the relationship until he does.
If your BF caves to his son's
If your BF caves to his son's demands this Christmas, it will be this way every Christmas. Please do not delude yourself into thinking this situation will magically improve with X amount of time.
I would let your BF make this decision and depending on which option he takes, that should tell you if it's worth staying In this relationship.
You want advice for your SO?
Well he should really be the one asking, but since you asked, here goes. You probably wont like it though.
1. Ask yourself honestly if there is any truth to the complaints that you (Dad) put work ahead of your family.
2. Next time around, don't start dating while you're still married to someone else. It causes all kinds of complications, and divorce is a process that many people need time to adjust to and recover from. Give yourself time for yourself and everyone else - like kids (even young adult kids) to adjust to.
OP, I'd honestly let this guy go. He's not going to be available to you. He's shown he thinks it's ok to date while married (that's a dealbreaker for me, personally), and when push comes to shove, he's all too willing to throw you under the bus. He's not the man for you.
You DH chose to date you when he was
still married. This is on your DH not on you. You two have to face the fact that, there relationship may never be the same. You really don’t know who it was before either. Your DH has to put his foot down, he going to have to do it sooner or later anyway. Tell his DS your are not leaving your home, he is invited to come over, but you will be there. You are going to Family Christmas, as IL he invited, but you will be there. What ever happens, happens