Holidays
Can I ask other SM's how they handle the holidays with adult stepchildren? I have tried to arrange the Christmas holidays in our home so that they can be enjoyed, and not rushed through with everyone having to leave to get to other family gatherings.
For example, I would like to have Christmas at our house with our children and grandchildren on Sunday the 23rd. First of all most of the children will be there from Friday evening the 21st since 2 of the families live out of town and will come for the weekend before Christmas. Two of the children currently live at home but have a boyfriend and a girlfriend and the last family lives 1/2 a mile away. My DH's boys (at least 2 of the 4 who live out of town) want Christmas on Christmas eve, but they go to their mother's family's grandparents on Christmas eve, the son who lives locally has told us his MIL wants to change their Christmas celebration from Christmas Day to Christmas eve and my grandmother still has a large family gathering on Christmas eve (which I missed last year to accommodate SS's wishes to have our Christmas on Christmas eve). Oh and I forgot on SS goes at 8 pm on Christmas eve to his GF's families gathering.
Christmas day has other family gatherings and everyone seems fine with our not having our celebration on Christmas day.
Bringing up this subject with DH is not the problem for me. My biggest problem is he allows his children to dictate when we have Christmas. When I got home from work last night he announced that a decision had been and we are having Christmas on Christmas eve. I asked him who made that decision he said me and his oldest son. I told him I was really glad that he considered my previous input into his decision and thanks for leaving me out of it. I asked him what about the fact that one SS's MIL wants to move to Christmas eve and he said that he did not think we should have to work around everyone else's schedule. I really did not understand this response because this is the man when we started dating told me that "not having anywhere to go for the holidays is a real problem" not having too many places to go. Most of all I am upset that he made the decision with his SS and without me especially since that SS does not live at home. Why can't DH understand how inconsiderate and degrading that can be to me??
I know you are frustrated
I wish I had an answer for you, but my husband does the same thing (although his SD14 still lives with us). I will come home and he will announce that he and SD decided the family was going to do xxx. Or that SD was going to do xxx. My only problem with that was that it wasn't something she had discussed with my husband first, she had just decided that was the way it was going to be. And of course he always goes along with it.
We are currently feuding over this exact topic. He let SD and BM manipulate and decide she was going to do an activity that runs from November through April in BM's town (which is an hour from us). And that husband would help transport her. I said it wasn't their right to decide something that is going to affect our home.
Good luck! It is your house (you and your husband) and the two of you should decide what goes on there, not ANYONE else!
Holiday suck
God I hate holidays and the chaos it brings. When will people realize that a marriage is between 2 people and everyone else is an outside relative. How difficult it is when a husband / wife can't keep within their vows and keep the decisions between themselves. Sad and sorrowful at times. I myself, this year, amspending the holidays in Vegas and it is between me andmy husband and I much as I could cry for not being my only child. I will try to find hapiness in my marraige and future and not in the past and what it used to mean. Sucks but I hope to have a good time!
I feel for you all
My husband and I usually spend the holidays with my family, so the choice is pretty simple. He doesn't get to see his kids, so that's one less hassle to deal with. My DH's mother passed away a few years ago, and he has only one brother who is on the other coast. DH has already moved there so he will spend the holidays with his brother and I will go to my mom's. Next year we will be together for Christmas but it's too far ahead to know what we will do.
I did have to go through this when married to my ex. We hardly got to spend any of the holidays with my family because ex insisted on being with his family. It usually was either boring or had some big disaster happen which totally ruined it for everyone.
sorry
you are going thru this. Your situation rings a horrible bell from my past. My first husband (married for 23 years) used to be very dictatorial & tell me how things were going to be done. WELL, I dumped his ass because I AM TOO OLD TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO, HOW TO DO IT, WHERE TO DO IT ETC ETC ETC.
He is not respecting your wishes. CONCENTRATE on this deep issue. Until he wants to change this attitude, he will continue to dictate things & you will be "surprised" with his agenda. It is not Christmas that you are fighting about, it is that he doesn't RESPECT (let alone listen to) YOUR WISHES.
That stinks
For us, We've always done Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas day with hubby's family. The kids were with us on Christmas Eve, or sometimes the weekend before. My family has been doing Christmas Eve for years, long before I met my hubby. We kept it this way so that we could spend the holiday with both families, and not have to argue about where we were going and when.
Now that the kids are all older (well, in age, lol) we still continue to do Christmas Eve with my family, and Christmas day with hubby's...the kids have continued to come Christmas eve, and then spend Christmas day with their mom.
I agree that your husband should have at least asked you. Most guys don't seem to know what the heck is going on. At least mine doesn't. I don't mean this in a mean way. He forgets about parties, or whose house we're supposed to go to. Hey - he's got enough on his mind with those kids!! (and me too, but we won't go there!!!! I'm an angel, I swear!) lol
I think you need to sit down and just decide on a day, and just say, OK - here is the day of our festivities. Please come. If they come, they come, if they don't they don't. You could always move the day around and see what seems to work best. (I'm talking year to year) I'm sure there is a day out there that would work for most of the family to participate. You just have to find it!!
Whether the Sat before Christmas works, or Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, shoot - even two saturdays before. I just think that if you try to accomodate everyone, you won't enjoy yourself. (Just my opinion!!) I'm sorry, but why should the kids get to dictate when you're having your celebration?