I have yet to have a tolerable week with skid
After over 2 months of attempting to disengage (so 4 or 5 weeks with SD here) I still haven't been able to not get worked up about something or other skid related by the end of the week. Theres so many little stupid things that add up that by the end of the week with her here I'm just done. And I'm so over watching DH act like a weak scared little boy when it comes to her. Also the constant excuses that make actually no sense. Oh shes taken an hour to eat a chicken strip and 5 tater tots? It's because she went to the dentist a month ago and got a filling. Right DH, that's why she can eat things she likes just fine and it has nothing to do with her moving slow to be passive aggressive when she doesnt want to listen like her teachers have reported for 3 years now.
Also Thanksgiving was obviously this week so that meant 3 days off of school for the kids and going to MILs house. Which also means I get to listen to her critical remarks about all of the grandkids other than SD. It makes zero sense to me how you can be more critical of a 2 year old (an extremely sweet 2 year old of my SILs) then a 7 year old. I was able to disengage there and ignore it but I think it still contributed to the irritation in total.
I'm at a loss as far as how to stop getting annoyed all the time. I can here and there but then by the end of the week it's all added up to the point that I'm ready to explode and I end up getting mad at all the things that I had let go earlier in the week also.
- Jcksjj's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I get this! You can try to
I get this! You can try to ignore and let DH handle things as much as possible, but it still doesn't mean that you aren't seeing what's happening, which alone has the power to annoy us. I struggle with the same thing. I don't know the answer, but I feel your pain.
It's hard because letting DH
It's hard because letting DH handle things means things dont get handled. His way of dealing with most things is denial. He told me that he lives by the phrase that if it's not worth dying for let it go (or something to that effect) and I'm like uh I dont think that can be a blanket statement you apply to everything in life. Definitely not parenting.
Yeah I'm no bio-parent, but
Yeah I'm no bio-parent, but even I am fairly certain that your DH's motto does not apply to parenting. "letting it go" means you are not parenting, plain and simple. His job is to provide guidance, not to just let everything go. Good grief.
Its definitely a copout.
Its definitely a copout. Sometimes I think he only wants to do the fun parts of parenting and none of the work.
Ugh. Why do us SMs do this to
Ugh. Why do us SMs do this to ourselves. Im trying to listen to the advice that you cant vare more than the bio parents. Cant stand my skids but at least MIL is a gift from God
Same! I dont think it's even
Same! I dont think it's even that I care more, I think it's that I have an outside POV and can obviously see what's going on so it drives me crazy to watch it over and over.
You're lucky you have a good MIL! That probably helps things alot.
These things are going to
These things are going to continue to bother you until you find that place within yourself that truly does not care.
If the behavior will have zero affect on you then forget about it.
For instance - the slow eating. Don't sit around and wait, that is her father's job. Get up and move on with your day.
The MIL - ignore her. Get up and walk away mid sentence. People like that need an audience. If she doesn't have one she will go away.
Your DH lack of parenting - his kid his problem. Don't take on any of the tasks associated with skid. If he cannot parent then why does he expect you too? Again his kid his problem.
The point is - until you find a way to let it all go it won't get better. Believe me - years of trying and caring get you nowhere. Having this philosophy is a life saver.
I am dad's other half. His spouse. I am not a SM. Can I be, yes. Will I be in a perfect world, yes. But I don't live in utopia so not going to happen!
I completely agree with all
I completely agree with all of this, but I just cant seem to find it in myself to truly not care. I think part of it is fear of the future because I can see where some of the behavior is going and it IS going to affect me when she gets older because there aren't any lines she wont cross for attention.
Only if you allow it. You
Only if you allow it. You need to be very clear with your DH on future expectations.
Such as no adult children live in our home unless their is a serious reason and even then there is a time limit.
When skids are grown I would like to live.....
Future expenses if skid turns out to be a loser. (if not in agreement separate finances and retirement - that way you always have security).
If you have clear expectations then no need to worry about the actions of skid now. Because who cares - the consequences of poor parenting will not fall on you.
Hes already attached to the
Hes already attached to the idea of the kids living here as adults "to save money during college." So I can already see that being a debate since he is already having trouble with the idea of letting them go. He also wants to move to a different state though as soon as SD graduates so idk if hes just assuming she will also move or what.
Yes, you've got it. It's just
Yes, you've got it. It's just not your problem, OP. Worry about the future when it gets here. And in the present, do what you need to do to distance yourself from her behavior. Eat your dinner and go watch TV, or alternately, don't eat with her at all if watching her be passive-aggressive drives you nuts. Not angrily - just tell DH you will be eating separately going forward, does he want to join you or eat with SD? Don't say anything more about her behavior and don't pick up the slack for him. If he complains about her, just say, "mmm-hmmm" or something like that, rather than yelling I TOLD YOU SO, which you will want to say.
Focus on you and what makes you happy.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Thanks for the encouragement. I have GAD and tend to live too much in the future and worrying in general so I know your advice is correct and I just need to keep reminding myself to be in the now and try to spend less time ruminating on things.
I am the same way in terms of
I am the same way in terms of anxiety, and it's not easy to do. But you will feel better if you let go of the idea that anything you do will control how she turns out. If your DH has already decided they will live there during college, make sure that includes an expectation about behavior while they live in your home (but she sounds very young, so I'd just cross that bridge when I come to it).
She is very young, 2nd grade.
She is very young, 2nd grade. I've gotten alot of comments about how "if shes like this now what is she going to be like as a teenager?" So that adds to the future anxiety for sure. It is too soon to worry about college though. By then maybe DH will be ready for her to move out anyway haha.
You have to disengage
You have to disengage emotionally too. It is like having the attitude that you can't be bothered to be bothered. It takes practice, but it works. Also, if you are home, why watch and wait for her to eat slowly? Just move on with your life and eventually DH will get tired of waiting on her alone. Take a walk, go shopping, leave the room. She's trying to control the family by monopolizing everyone's time. Don't let her. Do this for everything.
I'm not sitting there
I'm not sitting there watching, but it's kind of impossible not to notice shes still there an hour later if I walk through to the kitchen or living room at all. I dont even eat at the table with her. And I could care less if she sits there all night eating, it was DH making the dumb comment that it must be because of her teeth when hes been told over and over by her teachers that she acts out in that exact manner. I completely agree that she is trying to monopolize everyone's time and it's a control issue/attention issue.