Sometimes we don't have the emotional equipment to deal with trauma the way we should. I wonder if there is more going on than the boot camp. It sounds like you were emotionally distant and strict at a time when he was hurting over the death of his mother. I mean that's a pretty serious trauma for a young boy - and while you don't say so - it may have involved a change in home, uprooting from friends, etc? It certainly involved the loss of someone who he may have seen as loving and warm and instead being in the care of someone who was strict and maybe cold?

I know those boot camps were really popular for troubled teens, but it turns out many of them were irresponsible, not qualified and havens for abusers. Now you weren't to know that, but many of them were pretty awful and I doubt that the sexual assault was the only bad thing that happened. When he came home it sounds like he was more than ever in need of emotional support, but you might have viewed that as coddling(?). At any rate, you taught him that the way to deal with emotional trauma was black and white, right or wrong and taking a harsh line and sticking to it. He's doing that. 

This is all leads to some pretty big atoning! And the way you tried to make amends was basically a home invasion? Were you angry, did you shout? You said you 'insisted' on being there. 

I know it sounds like I'm blamey. I think you probably acted from your best toolkit, but the toolkit wasn't the one he needed. As a former Marine, you'll know that sometimes the best tactic is 'brute force' and sometimes there are other tactics. Brute force is not the one you need right now and in terms of forgiveness (by him and by you) brute force is rarely the right method. You need to pull back, regroup and get some instruction/ coaching from a therapist who can help you develop a new toolkit. This may or may not lead to family reconciliation, but it can certainly help you come to terms with the situation that you have and not make anything worse. 

I went through a short period when I was estranged from one of my daughters, it is painful, I am sorry for you.  I derived support and good advice on a forum for parents estranged from their adult children.  I would also counsel you to leave your son alone for a while - maybe a year or two, don't try and force him to have contact with you.  This will show him that you are mindful of his expressed wishes.   If you do try and contact him again after that, keep it low key - a card or an email saying you hope he is well.  Don't try and put pressure on him, he needs time to come to terms with the past. 

Spend some time thinking about whether your "strict discipline" was abusive. I don't think this is about "you sent me away and I got sexually abused", I think it's "you abused me, then blamed me, sent me away and I got sexually abused."  The fact that your daughter won't speak to you either tells me that it's not just about your son's issues.

I'm glad you are willing to see your role in this - a counselor might help you sort it out further.  Once you've done that, send a SINCERE apology for anything you've done to your son, let him know you love him unconditionally and welcome him back anytime.  Then let it go and don't keep trying to contact him beyond Christmas and birthday cards.

I don't know that you will get the kind of advice you want here on a stepfamily forum.  There are, however, a lot of resources for parents whose children have cut them off, as Kes said.  It's more common than you think.  Perhaps you may want to look up "estranged adult children" and seek out some guidance there.  

And how would you forgive yourself had your son stayed with that "bad crowd," using drugs, possibly overdosing, committing crimes to pay for drugs...who else would be hurt? Would he be in jail by now?

Unless you sent him to boot camp hoping he would be abused there, your unrelenting guilt is misplaced. You did what you thought was best for him. It's very unfortunate that he was abused, but that could have happened by a classmate, a druggie friend, or a cell-mate in jail considering the direction he was headed. 

You don't name the "horrendous" things he did as a 14/15 years old, but I imagine it was serious enough to warrant boot camp. I hope his therapist is helping him to realize his own choices affected his future and where they took him even more than yours.

My older brother had a very troubled youth. Drugs, crimes, stints in juvie. He also blames my parents for the choices he made and the consequences that followed. He played the estranged victim for years and years...until the misplaced guilt my father felt drove him to cave to my brother's manipulations and blame shifting. He accepted all of the blame and my brother came back into his life....only to forever punish our father for 40 years of my brother's own shitty choices. He hasn't spoken to our mom in more than 10 years because he blames HER for the fact his ex left him and has kept his daughter from him. Nothing is ever his fault.

I sincerely suggest you find a therapist who can help you sort through these strong feelings of guilt and regret. I hope your son finds a new therapist because his misplaced hatred for you and the blame shifting he is doing isn't helpful to his own mental health, either.

I do find it terribly sad that your son has triangulated with your daughter to have her punish you as well for these perceived wrongs. As a grown woman, she should have a little more clarity. Unless you sent him to boot camp for failing to take the garbage out I don't understand her position.

If he was begging you to send him to summer camp and you obliged, he might have been sexually assaulted there. So it was not your fault. Your willingness to take the blame for what happened might need to be worked out with your own therapist. Do it. You need to get this in perspective -- what you did, you did out of love and concern for your son. That something awful happened is only the fault of the person who committed the act. Your son will eventually need to realize this too, but it will be on him to find that out in his own time.

I'm not sure why your daughter has turned on you. I'd work that angle first because your son has made it clear that he isn't open to you now. If you can get her on board with you, she might be helpful in making progress with your son later. Can you make a date with her to talk somewhere alone to make your case?

I wouldn't drop in on any of them. When you do that, you're springing them into an emotional encounter they aren't expecting and they might have just had an awful day, which won't help.

Make a time and place to talk with your daughter so she can be mentally ready and give this the attention it deserves. When you make the date, tell her you need her to be completely honest about why she's shut you out, even if it's something that might hurt you. That's the only way you can know what you're up against and make it right if you are to blame.

Try to steer the conversation just toward your relationship with her -- if she's just fighting a battle for your son, you need to know that, but you can only address that with him and you should probably tell her that...gently. Tell her you plan to do what you can to mend the relationship with him when the time is right, but you need to know what you can do to have a relationship with her.

I really think some therapy might be good for helping you navigate what will surely be difficult encounters with your kids. Get some pointers on how to do this. A therapist will also help you shoulder only the blame you should -- not an act someone else perpetrated that you are being blamed for. As you move forward, it's important you only take blame for what is deservedly yours. New relationships with these kids can't be based on you sucking up all the blame -- that is a dangerous precedent to set. They will shut you off and turn you on like a light switch if they know you will take it. You want a HEALTHY relationship with them -- not one where you desperately take any blame they want to put on you.

It might be years before you make progress with them. I hear how painful this is for you, but they also have to be open to relationships with you. It will be painful for them to open these wounds and they might not be ready for that pain right now. Frankly, your son will have to put away the childish notion that you are to blame for what happened to him. That takes real circumspection and honesty. Maybe that's just not who he is, you know? So hope for the best, but start to settle into the idea that this might never be repaired because it's not all up to you.

I wish you well. I know how hard this is...I'm not speaking to my mother right now and it's difficult from both sides, I'm sure.

There isn't anything you can do to fix this. Your kids are their own people, and they have made the choice about what kind of relationship they want to have with you.

If you are going to apologize, do it because you mean it. Don't do it because you want to rebuild your relationship. Don't do it because you want to be grandpa. Do it because you genuinely feel sorry for what has happened and because they deserve it.

If your wife and daughter begged you not to send him, then my guess is that they saw/knew you something you didn't. It sounds like your wife tried to tell you what she thought were bad ideas, but you ran with them anyway. It sounds like your son straightened up his act so he could get, and stay, away from you. You got what you wanted - a productive member of society out of your son - but at the cost of serious trauma to him. Trauma, it sounds like, your wife and daughter tried to tell you to stop inflicting.

No, you cannot blame yourself for the sexual assault. You didn't commit it and you didn't orchestrate it. However, that doesn't mean you didn't do things, odr o things, that hurt your son. I think you also need to see a counselor and be honest with them about how you were as a parent. It's likely possible, if both kids have excommunicated you, that your version of strict and prideful was more abusive and cold to them.

Sort yourself out first before trying to talk to your children. You have to accept that they may never want a relationship with you, whether their reasoning is founded or not. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about.  You did what was best for him at the time with the information you had at that time. No need to beat yourself up over it.

Now, sue the owner of the boot camp for the assault, press charges as the father of a molested minor child, and shred them for the impact their lack of oversight of their students caused your family.

You cannot turn back the clock but you can still be a parent to your children whether they want you to be or not.  I  have no corelating experience to reference. I am sure that this is devestating to you.  However, you cannot surrender the rest of your life to the character and intellectual flaws in your children.  They are choosing this position, you are not choosing it for either yourself or for them.

Move on, enjoy your life.  Send them cards on holidays and special days but do not allow them to destroy the rest of your life.

Your son was raped by a rapist. Not by you.  You did not serve  your son up to that rapist. You set  your son up to be a successful adult and Civil Engineer.  He may not have the brains to realize it but ... where would he likely be if you had not effectively addressed his behavioral issues?

Likely not where is he today.

As for your daughter... I got nothin. She is just an immature idiot.

Take care of you.

<p>It sounds like everyone involved in this situation is in pain.</p><p>Your son I&#39;m sure was very hurt that his mother died. It&#39;s typical for a child to act out when they experience trauma.</p><p>I think your intentions were good when you sent him away. You wanted your son o n a good path with a bright future ahead I&#39;m sure.</p><p>However, when one loses a parent they are bound to act up and perhaps what he needed was your love, support and understanding? Maybe he saw you sending him off as a dismissal of his feelings.</p><p>Then when he was abused he blamed the person responsible for sending him there-you. It&#39;s not the right thing to do, but someone who is hurting often lashes at anyone around whether it makes sense to or not. Logically speaking, you are not responsible for what happened to your son. You didn&#39;t not send him off to be hurt. You wanted him to straighten out and be a good man.</p><p>He saw it as a betrayal of his trust tgat you sent him away without ever acknowledging his feelings over his mother&#39;s death. Trauma after trauma. He has alot on his plate now. Alot of conflicting feelings about you-the man he sought protection from. From his perspective you put him in the position to be hurt.</p><p>His sister feels sorry for her brother and is angry you ever sent him away-thus validating her right to disown you because &#39;hey if you wouldn&#39;t have sent him away this wouldn&#39;t have happened! I told you not to send him off!&#39; She is indirectly blaming you as well.</p><p>Just know this-you were doing what you thought was best for your child. You did not intentionally send him away to be hurt.</p><p>There was no way for you to know this was going to happen.</p><p>Your son needs space.</p><p>Your daughter might be easier to win over sneezing she recently cut ties.</p><p>I suggest leaving a note to your daughter. Explain your regret, explain your hurt, explain your wish to reconcile with your children.</p><p>Then leave it to them. But whatever you do,&nbsp;</p> don't try to bend them to your will.

I am sorry your son has done this to you.

It is most unfortunate. I suspect there is more to this story.

May you find peace in the future and live YOUR life to the fullest. Remember it is ok to be happy. Isnt it a darn shame your son has chosen to miss out on probably some  wonderful moments.

You may want to consider having a few sessions with a Family Therapist with a PhD after their name. Tell them what your wrote here to us.

PS Rags is a dad in case you did not know.