There is usually no end to this dynamic. Once a parent treats a child as their equal and uses them as their emotional support, it is very rare that they reverse course. It only gets WORSE as the child ages.
She sounds like a mini-wife. The whole behavior is digusting... It's an innapropriate way to interact with a child.
You're not the only one going through it. I'm personally not, (thank goodness, Psycho is all the s*** I can handle. Between that and SD5's detox, I would kill someone if the skids started being mini-wives...) But I know tons of people on this site who are or have.
Your BF is the problem. Talk to him about your feelings and if he dismisses them or turns it into you not liking them, walk. It'll only get worse and more expensive.
I’ve tried to talk to him and his response was that he has never seen a grown woman jealous of a12 year old little girl. Also it drives me crazy that he calls both of us sweetie, I have the same nickname as a 12 year old! She will be here tonight and I’m already wanting to puke!!!!
"Well, I have never seen a grown man treat his 12 year old daughter like a girlfriend or wife either."
Now, you don't say how much time in reality she spends at your home.. other than a weekend of time when she normally spends other time of his with his mother. Is it 4 days a month? 2 days a month? more? If it's that very little bit of time, I can definitely see the child being clingy and jealous of you being close to her dad.
How to handle it? Well.. I definitely had zero problem walking into a room and telling the girls to "scoot" when they sat in my seat if I left the room. But, on the flip side, you do need to accept that your BF is going to show affection to his daughter..is their family generally physical in showing affection? My family wasn't but my DH's family is.. I had to get used to it on all levels. If you are only having issues while she is there.. and it's not that often.. disengage.. busy yourself with other stuff.. if your DH asks why you are "absent".. well.. I want you to have quality time with your kids.
When my boyfriend and I first got together she was 10 and would have to sleep with him if I stayed over I had to sleep on the couch.
That would have ended my sleepovers at his house and I certainly wouldn't have moved in with him.
When you temporarily get up from your seat on the couch and she takes your seat, your boyfriend should be telling her to move.
You have a full on boyfriend problem. The girl is 12 and is only doing what she's allowed to do, because your BF is allowing it and has not taught her any different. He created this situation and it doesn't sound like he has any interest in correcting it.
You have a boyfriend who is the problem. Normal fathers don’t behave this way with their developing daughters. My boyfriend has 3 teen daughters, and he does not treat them like they are his girlfriends.
Run from this man and his dysfunction. Otherwise, you will spend years as the other woman (to his daughter) in this relationship. Your Boyfriend already has shown you he is not changing.
If your BF doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior than you have 2 options.
1- You either stay with him and accept the fact that he has a mini wife that he will not set any boundaries for.
Or
2- You run! You have already addressed him multiple times to no avail. He's dismissing your feelings as a grown woman being jealous of a 12 year old when he doesn't see how much damage he is causing. Believe me if its not you, it will be another woman going through the same BS and he'll wonder why he can't keep a GF.
I think you may have made a mistake by actually sleeping on the couch when your SO let his daughter sleep in bed instead of you. There is no way in HELL I would have gone along with that. That would have been your opportunity to tell him that you will stay over once his kid is sleeping in her own bed and you are not relinquished to the couch like a houseguest.
But, that ship has sailed. If you feel like it might be worthwhile to talk to your SO again, you could explain it as, you are not jealous of his daughter, but you are the adult in the household, and you should be able to have an expectation that you get to sit where you want before a child (next to your SO). When I was younger, the adults had "their spot", and children got to sit wherever was left. My spot was on the floor. There was no running and stealing their spot. That's how it is in our house now, although SD9 did try for a while. She would do the same thing your SD does- I would get up to go to the bathroom, she would quick scoot over by my SO. I hoped my SO would call her on it, but he only did occasionally and never made it an official rule, so it kept happening...so I handled it myself. I would walk back in and make a motion to the empty spot and say, You're in my spot yo. Kind of in a lighthearted way, yet she knew I was serious. She started moving over to "her" spot, and now she knows that if I walk in the room and she's in my seat, she needs to scoot over to her spot. How is your relationship with your SD?
SD too usually has to be in the room for all our convos. It used to annoy me, although now if I want to say something that isn't for her ears I say, ok, this is an adult convo now, and we make her leave. She would also always have to jump in on our play wrestling, or if we were kissing and hugging. I finally had a little chat with her and nicely told her that sometimes adults need their own time, and while we like having her around, she can't be involved in every hug, kiss, or time we goof around. She listened, and she almost never tries to crash it now.
Now, I would have hoped my SO would have handled this. To be honest, I don't think he even noticed, or thinks anything was wrong with it. I was pretty positive if I brought up the subject, I would just get the same answer you did- I was jealous, blah blah blah. So I decided to avoid opening that can of worms and handle it myself with SD, as nicely as possible. It worked for me, but I should mention that SD and I have a very good relationship. I can say almost anything to her and she just rolls with it. She knows I love her and doesn't doubt it, so she takes what I say the same way she would take something her dad or BM tells her.
I feel like our relationship is pretty good as long as I keep my mouth shut and let her do whatever she wants. if I speak up and say something to her she says your mean and her squeaky little baby voice! if I asked her to leave the room so my boyfriend and I could have a conversation I think both of them would fall over
This is not a good relationship if you have to walk on egg shells and "keep your mouth shut". You have to be able to effectively communicate with your BF and he shouldn't dismiss your feelings and react in a negative manner because you are telling him how you feel.
So anytime you approach him with something that bothers you and he dislikes......you have to shut up and deal with it????
That is not a way to live and not a "good relationship".
I addressed the couch issue with my boyfriend yesterday before his daughter got here, so last night i got up to get a drink, walk back in the room and she’s sitting next to him. He tells her to scoot closer to him so i can fit too and we can all 3 sit on the couch. This is a small 2 person loveseat and my boyfriend if 240 lbs so that was ridiculous. We also have a full size couch so it’s not like she doesn’t have anywhere to sit.....
Sounds like a mini-wife. When your boyfriend gets defensive and tells you you're mean and you don't like his kids when you express your feelings to him and raise legitimate concerns, it's not a good sign. If he's not willing to make changes, this will not get better and will only get worse. I'd cut my losses now, personally.
Thanks everyone, when she gets here tonight I’ll see how it goes, although I’m sure it will be the same as always! I think my only option is to have one more talk with my boyfriend, lay it all out and let him know either shit changes or I’m out. I don’t deserve to be disrespected and shouldn’t have to put up with this and be made to feel like an outsider in my own home!
You don't need to wrap your life around his. You don't have to sacrifice the type of relationship you want just because "he has kids, therefore his needs are more important".
You have the right to want the relationship you want. If you want the type of relationship where you can speak freely, and show affection freely, and be treated like an equal partner, then tell him so. If he can't meet that standard for you, you have to be prepared to walk. He has every right to treat his daughter like a mini wife. And you have every right not to be with a man who treats his daughter like a mini wife.
No self respecting woman would be with a man like that. Remind him of that while he watches your back walk out the door.
I married a man with a mini wife. We're now divorced. I'm now with a man who completely respects me. I don't regret leaving.
You ladies are right, thank you! I’ve been thinking about this all day and there’s so much that’s bothering me. It’s even been to the point when she was here last week I heard him discussing my personal finances situation because I went through a bad divorce several years ago. I’ve seen him and his daughter makes fun of the bio mom because she tells the kids they need to stay in the Kidzone of course they need to be in the Kidzone there damn kids! When his kids are here we can’t make any plans, everything we do revolves around them. He has them every other week so half our relationship is spent like this!
I was with EXDH from the time SD was 6 until she was 12. Then again for another year while we reconciled.
While we were together, I used to long for vacations alone with him so that I could feel like I was in a normal relationship. Oh how I loved VacationDH.
Even when SD wasn't with us (we had her 60 to 70% of the time), he still spent time taking her to soccer, etc.
I used to plan my vacation days from work for when we didn't have SD.
My entire existence began to revolve around his custody calendar. When she was with us, I walked on eggshells. Heaven forbid I should discipline her or heaven forbid she should feel an ounce of unhappiness while she was with us. This meant she controlled EVERYTHING. From what we ate, to what we watched on TV. He entertained her 24/7. I was a third wheel in my own home. When an issue arose, and if I agreed with him, all was fine. If I disagreed, his way "trumped" mine because he was the father, even if those decisions affected me directly. He was happy to play "happy family" with me because I paid most of the bills, but heaven forbid if I disagreed with him.
It wasn't until I left that I realized just how much anxiety I had while living with him. I was sad and lonely after my marriage ended, because I really really loved him, however, after I moved out my anxiety dissappeared. After the separation, I would go back into my old home with them and all of that anxiety would come rushing back.
I didn't loose myself in that relationship overnight. It happened slowly and over a number of years. Kind of like the frog in the pot of water that slowly boils.
So really, I get what you're saying. You probably live for the time every other week when you don't have your SD. Its not a life. It really really isn't.
My biggest regret in my past relationship was that at the first sign of trouble, I should have stood up for myself, articulated what my deal breakers were and had the confidence to walk earlier. I ate a lot of sh*t because I loved him and didn't want to leave him.
Its been a few years since that relationship ended. I'm in a new relationship now. I can be 100% myself with my new man all the time. I've already told him what my deal breakers are. I've expressed to him what my boundaries and expectations are. I've set myself up with the proper legal documents in advance to protect myself so I am prepared to walk if I need to and not have to worry about the financial loss being a factor.
We are a team and the kids are part of our lives. I'm no longer on the periphery of my own life.
You are not married to this man yet. Its not too late to dig deep and really think about the kind of relationship you want. I know its tough because I'm sure this guy is not all bad. You probably think, "well, I love xyz about him, and he's really great with abc and he really gets me....its just the way he parents these kids that drives me wild". The thing is, he will always be a parent to them. He's already told you with his actions, just how he intends to parent them. My ex used to say to me..."this is the way it is so you need to do what you need to do". In other words, if you don't like the way I parent, you know where the door is". He told me what his boundaries were and I still expected him to change. He never did.
You have two choices.
You figure out what you really really want (spice girls) and tell him. And if he can't meet your expectations, you walk.
OR
You ask yourself if this is the life you want to have if he never changes (because he won't).
Please understand that you are WORTH it. You are worth having an awesome relationship. We all are!!
Another point to consider - When you're weighing the pros and the cons of thissituation, never lose sight of the fact that something could happen to BM and you could have SD with you 100% of the time...
Comments
There is usually no end to
There is usually no end to this dynamic. Once a parent treats a child as their equal and uses them as their emotional support, it is very rare that they reverse course. It only gets WORSE as the child ages.
She sounds like a mini-wife.
She sounds like a mini-wife. The whole behavior is digusting... It's an innapropriate way to interact with a child.
You're not the only one going through it. I'm personally not, (thank goodness, Psycho is all the s*** I can handle. Between that and SD5's detox, I would kill someone if the skids started being mini-wives...) But I know tons of people on this site who are or have.
I agree completely
I agree completely inappropriate and I’m not sure how to handle it any longer!
Your BF is the problem. Talk
Your BF is the problem. Talk to him about your feelings and if he dismisses them or turns it into you not liking them, walk. It'll only get worse and more expensive.
I’ve tried to talk to him and
I’ve tried to talk to him and his response was that he has never seen a grown woman jealous of a12 year old little girl. Also it drives me crazy that he calls both of us sweetie, I have the same nickname as a 12 year old! She will be here tonight and I’m already wanting to puke!!!!
Here's a good response.
Here's a good response.
"Well, I have never seen a grown man treat his 12 year old daughter like a girlfriend or wife either."
Now, you don't say how much time in reality she spends at your home.. other than a weekend of time when she normally spends other time of his with his mother. Is it 4 days a month? 2 days a month? more? If it's that very little bit of time, I can definitely see the child being clingy and jealous of you being close to her dad.
How to handle it? Well.. I definitely had zero problem walking into a room and telling the girls to "scoot" when they sat in my seat if I left the room. But, on the flip side, you do need to accept that your BF is going to show affection to his daughter..is their family generally physical in showing affection? My family wasn't but my DH's family is.. I had to get used to it on all levels. If you are only having issues while she is there.. and it's not that often.. disengage.. busy yourself with other stuff.. if your DH asks why you are "absent".. well.. I want you to have quality time with your kids.
When my boyfriend and I first
When my boyfriend and I first got together she was 10 and would have to sleep with him if I stayed over I had to sleep on the couch.
That would have ended my sleepovers at his house and I certainly wouldn't have moved in with him.
When you temporarily get up from your seat on the couch and she takes your seat, your boyfriend should be telling her to move.
You have a full on boyfriend problem. The girl is 12 and is only doing what she's allowed to do, because your BF is allowing it and has not taught her any different. He created this situation and it doesn't sound like he has any interest in correcting it.
Agree with the above posters
You have a boyfriend who is the problem. Normal fathers don’t behave this way with their developing daughters. My boyfriend has 3 teen daughters, and he does not treat them like they are his girlfriends.
Run from this man and his dysfunction. Otherwise, you will spend years as the other woman (to his daughter) in this relationship. Your Boyfriend already has shown you he is not changing.
You deserve better.
He doesn't care about your
He doesn't care about your feelings. The comment about a "grown woman being jealous of a 12-year-old" would be enough for me to end the relationship.
Please take heed and get out now. These situations only get "better" if the man sees the need for change and implements it.
If your BF doesn't see
If your BF doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior than you have 2 options.
1- You either stay with him and accept the fact that he has a mini wife that he will not set any boundaries for.
Or
2- You run! You have already addressed him multiple times to no avail. He's dismissing your feelings as a grown woman being jealous of a 12 year old when he doesn't see how much damage he is causing. Believe me if its not you, it will be another woman going through the same BS and he'll wonder why he can't keep a GF.
Leave plain and simple!
I think you may have made a
I think you may have made a mistake by actually sleeping on the couch when your SO let his daughter sleep in bed instead of you. There is no way in HELL I would have gone along with that. That would have been your opportunity to tell him that you will stay over once his kid is sleeping in her own bed and you are not relinquished to the couch like a houseguest.
But, that ship has sailed. If you feel like it might be worthwhile to talk to your SO again, you could explain it as, you are not jealous of his daughter, but you are the adult in the household, and you should be able to have an expectation that you get to sit where you want before a child (next to your SO). When I was younger, the adults had "their spot", and children got to sit wherever was left. My spot was on the floor. There was no running and stealing their spot. That's how it is in our house now, although SD9 did try for a while. She would do the same thing your SD does- I would get up to go to the bathroom, she would quick scoot over by my SO. I hoped my SO would call her on it, but he only did occasionally and never made it an official rule, so it kept happening...so I handled it myself. I would walk back in and make a motion to the empty spot and say, You're in my spot yo. Kind of in a lighthearted way, yet she knew I was serious. She started moving over to "her" spot, and now she knows that if I walk in the room and she's in my seat, she needs to scoot over to her spot. How is your relationship with your SD?
SD too usually has to be in the room for all our convos. It used to annoy me, although now if I want to say something that isn't for her ears I say, ok, this is an adult convo now, and we make her leave. She would also always have to jump in on our play wrestling, or if we were kissing and hugging. I finally had a little chat with her and nicely told her that sometimes adults need their own time, and while we like having her around, she can't be involved in every hug, kiss, or time we goof around. She listened, and she almost never tries to crash it now.
Now, I would have hoped my SO would have handled this. To be honest, I don't think he even noticed, or thinks anything was wrong with it. I was pretty positive if I brought up the subject, I would just get the same answer you did- I was jealous, blah blah blah. So I decided to avoid opening that can of worms and handle it myself with SD, as nicely as possible. It worked for me, but I should mention that SD and I have a very good relationship. I can say almost anything to her and she just rolls with it. She knows I love her and doesn't doubt it, so she takes what I say the same way she would take something her dad or BM tells her.
Good luck, this can be extremelyyyy frustrating.
Yeah, it was definitely a
Yeah, it was definitely a mistake to sleep on the couch. My ass would have been in the car and gone, home to my nice comfy bed.
A precedent was set and good luck changing anything.
I feel like our relationship
I feel like our relationship is pretty good as long as I keep my mouth shut and let her do whatever she wants. if I speak up and say something to her she says your mean and her squeaky little baby voice! if I asked her to leave the room so my boyfriend and I could have a conversation I think both of them would fall over
This is not a good
This is not a good relationship if you have to walk on egg shells and "keep your mouth shut". You have to be able to effectively communicate with your BF and he shouldn't dismiss your feelings and react in a negative manner because you are telling him how you feel.
So anytime you approach him with something that bothers you and he dislikes......you have to shut up and deal with it????
That is not a way to live and not a "good relationship".
I addressed the couch issue
I addressed the couch issue with my boyfriend yesterday before his daughter got here, so last night i got up to get a drink, walk back in the room and she’s sitting next to him. He tells her to scoot closer to him so i can fit too and we can all 3 sit on the couch. This is a small 2 person loveseat and my boyfriend if 240 lbs so that was ridiculous. We also have a full size couch so it’s not like she doesn’t have anywhere to sit.....
Either he's an idiot or he
Either he's an idiot or he did it to rankle you.
Maybe both cause I’m pissed!
Maybe both cause I’m pissed!
Could he really be this dense
Could he really be this dense? Did he not understand you meant that you should get the spot next to him? Seriously.
Sounds like a mini-wife.
Sounds like a mini-wife. When your boyfriend gets defensive and tells you you're mean and you don't like his kids when you express your feelings to him and raise legitimate concerns, it's not a good sign. If he's not willing to make changes, this will not get better and will only get worse. I'd cut my losses now, personally.
Thanks everyone, when she
Thanks everyone, when she gets here tonight I’ll see how it goes, although I’m sure it will be the same as always! I think my only option is to have one more talk with my boyfriend, lay it all out and let him know either shit changes or I’m out. I don’t deserve to be disrespected and shouldn’t have to put up with this and be made to feel like an outsider in my own home!
Exactly.
You don't need to wrap your life around his. You don't have to sacrifice the type of relationship you want just because "he has kids, therefore his needs are more important".
You have the right to want the relationship you want. If you want the type of relationship where you can speak freely, and show affection freely, and be treated like an equal partner, then tell him so. If he can't meet that standard for you, you have to be prepared to walk. He has every right to treat his daughter like a mini wife. And you have every right not to be with a man who treats his daughter like a mini wife.
No self respecting woman would be with a man like that. Remind him of that while he watches your back walk out the door.
I married a man with a mini wife. We're now divorced. I'm now with a man who completely respects me. I don't regret leaving.
:)
It will probably be kind of uncomfortable for your bf over the next few years when she gets her own bf and they both sleep in your bf's bed. Lol
You ladies are right, thank
You ladies are right, thank you! I’ve been thinking about this all day and there’s so much that’s bothering me. It’s even been to the point when she was here last week I heard him discussing my personal finances situation because I went through a bad divorce several years ago. I’ve seen him and his daughter makes fun of the bio mom because she tells the kids they need to stay in the Kidzone of course they need to be in the Kidzone there damn kids! When his kids are here we can’t make any plans, everything we do revolves around them. He has them every other week so half our relationship is spent like this!
what my life with ex and mini-wife was like
I was with EXDH from the time SD was 6 until she was 12. Then again for another year while we reconciled.
While we were together, I used to long for vacations alone with him so that I could feel like I was in a normal relationship. Oh how I loved VacationDH.
Even when SD wasn't with us (we had her 60 to 70% of the time), he still spent time taking her to soccer, etc.
I used to plan my vacation days from work for when we didn't have SD.
My entire existence began to revolve around his custody calendar. When she was with us, I walked on eggshells. Heaven forbid I should discipline her or heaven forbid she should feel an ounce of unhappiness while she was with us. This meant she controlled EVERYTHING. From what we ate, to what we watched on TV. He entertained her 24/7. I was a third wheel in my own home. When an issue arose, and if I agreed with him, all was fine. If I disagreed, his way "trumped" mine because he was the father, even if those decisions affected me directly. He was happy to play "happy family" with me because I paid most of the bills, but heaven forbid if I disagreed with him.
It wasn't until I left that I realized just how much anxiety I had while living with him. I was sad and lonely after my marriage ended, because I really really loved him, however, after I moved out my anxiety dissappeared. After the separation, I would go back into my old home with them and all of that anxiety would come rushing back.
I didn't loose myself in that relationship overnight. It happened slowly and over a number of years. Kind of like the frog in the pot of water that slowly boils.
So really, I get what you're saying. You probably live for the time every other week when you don't have your SD. Its not a life. It really really isn't.
My biggest regret in my past relationship was that at the first sign of trouble, I should have stood up for myself, articulated what my deal breakers were and had the confidence to walk earlier. I ate a lot of sh*t because I loved him and didn't want to leave him.
Its been a few years since that relationship ended. I'm in a new relationship now. I can be 100% myself with my new man all the time. I've already told him what my deal breakers are. I've expressed to him what my boundaries and expectations are. I've set myself up with the proper legal documents in advance to protect myself so I am prepared to walk if I need to and not have to worry about the financial loss being a factor.
We are a team and the kids are part of our lives. I'm no longer on the periphery of my own life.
You are not married to this man yet. Its not too late to dig deep and really think about the kind of relationship you want. I know its tough because I'm sure this guy is not all bad. You probably think, "well, I love xyz about him, and he's really great with abc and he really gets me....its just the way he parents these kids that drives me wild". The thing is, he will always be a parent to them. He's already told you with his actions, just how he intends to parent them. My ex used to say to me..."this is the way it is so you need to do what you need to do". In other words, if you don't like the way I parent, you know where the door is". He told me what his boundaries were and I still expected him to change. He never did.
You have two choices.
You figure out what you really really want (spice girls) and tell him. And if he can't meet your expectations, you walk.
OR
You ask yourself if this is the life you want to have if he never changes (because he won't).
Please understand that you are WORTH it. You are worth having an awesome relationship. We all are!!
Another point to consider -
Another point to consider - When you're weighing the pros and the cons of thissituation, never lose sight of the fact that something could happen to BM and you could have SD with you 100% of the time...