It doesn’t matter. He’s not treating you well. 

You can't bring her up. It diverts the arguement instead of getting to a resolution. Focuse on your relationship and how he treats you. 

I'd address that asap. Was it said in anger? Or do you think he really doesn't care that you feel pushed away? This is YOUR husband now. The ex is irrelevant. I'd be extremely hurt if my husband responded that he didn't care that i felt pushed away. That's just BS and no spouse deserves that. Good luck with it all

You have SEVERAL issues here, but I'm going to start easy then work up to why you need to end this (or make a drastic change).

Their Communication: They communicate well because they aren't together. They have distance and time to think through their responses before reacting. My guess is that if you locked them into a room together for 24 hours that they'd be right back to chewing each other out.

It's easier to be fake via text, or through short phone calls. My DH communicates far better with BM when they aren't in the same room together because he can either carefully think through what he wants to say, or he can use his "customer service voice" without her seeing the disgust on his face. Him being polite doesn't mean he wants to get back together with her. It just means that it ends the conversation more quickly and doesn't result in them yelling and screaming at each other.

Your Communication: Now, when it comes to how they communicate versus how you communicate together, of course there is a difference. You and your DH have feelings for each other that can be hurt. You have to see each other daily, in gold and bad light, and you have to function together at the end of the day. You don't have the luxury of taking 24 hours to respond to a grimace or snarky remark.

Or, at least, you don't employ that luxury. Nothing says you need to lose your mind and fight every time something happens. There are several tools you two can use to communicate better, which doesn't involve pointing out his surface-level relationship with BM:

• Instead of engaging with DH when he says/does something, walk away and write a letter to him about it. Reread the letter. Do you propose a solution to the problem that upset you? Was it really that big of an issue, or were you having a crabby day? Is there more going on that DH doesn't know about? If the letter Will give insight to your DH and/or opens the door to provide a solution, give it to him (or rewrite it and give it to him). If it's just you blasting him for doing the dishes wrong, burn it.
• If there is an issue that you want to discuss, schedule a time with your DH to discuss it. Give Him, and you, at least 24 hours. Tell him you want to discuss something, explain the question/issue you want to discuss, and then set a time to talk about it. This gives you both a chance to work through the anger to get to the point that you want to discuss. It also gives you time to "set the mood" - put on some calming music, light a lavendar candle, make a pitcher of tea or brew some coffee. If you have to write out your thoughts so that you stay on task, do so. Present your side and let him present his. If it gets heated, call a timeout for a few minutes or for another day. Wash, rinse, repeat.
• Disengage from the things that don't impact you, and learn to let go of the things that don't matter. Kids stay up past their bedtime? DH can deal with their grumpy behinds in the morning - no longer your job. If they are yelling at midnight, give DH one shot to handle it before you do. Beds aren't made how you like? What does it matter? Let it go. It's not your way or the highway, and if it isn't going to impact you, don't use your energy or sacrifice your relationship just so that something happens like YOU want.

Your Snooping: This is the worst offense. At some point you stopped trusting your DH, either rightfully so or out of jealousy. You either know that he has cheated on you, or you know he hasn't but still can't trust him. This is THE issue that will kill your relationship, either because he is cheating/lying or because you have no trait trust in him despite him doing nothing wrong.

If he is cheating, confront him. If he isn't, find a counselor to work through your issues with. The only way your marriage survives is by being honest and learning to trust him. Though, once he finds out your snooping, he may want to end it anyway.

Communication incapatibility can be fixed. Trust issues can, too, but not without help. You have put your relationship in peril by snooping, so if it is salvageable on your end, you better bust hump to fix yourself. Your DH is already telling you that he doesn't care, so it may not matter.

Him and BM would be fighting the same if they were in a relationship- they didn’t split up for no reason, don’t let him fool you and don’t delide yourself.

Im a manager for a large company- one “trick” I have learned about difficult conversations is have the other person come up with the resolution, and be selective in your words. Ie “DH I felt very uncomfortable when you insinuated that you and ex never fought and had great communication. That comment was upsetting for multiple reasons. I also do not like how we communicate, I agree we are a team and need to improve the way we communicate— what are some suggestions you have that can help resolve this? Our relationship is what matters now, and let’s resolve this together. How does that sound? Why don’t we both take a week to think about this and then collaborate?”,  you need to put the energy and thought into your relationship to keep it strong and growing. This includes being deliberate in your actions and how you communicate and problem solve. 

There isnt a lot of information to know his faults. What I do see is you brought up his ex and asked to be compared, which should never come up because it isn't good for eithe rof you. Plus, why did you ask about their communication if you already knew from snooping?

I would ask him in an honest tone: "Hey, when we were arguing I said I felt pushed away and you said you didn't care. Do you mean that? Do you want to be in this relationship? If you're ok with me being pushed away in general, then we don't have a relationship and it looks like this is over."And if he confirms this, then keep steppin.

Whatever the reason, you shouldn't live in distrust and feeling like your partner doesn't care about you. You also should take a good look at why you don't trust him, and if there's anything you can take away and work on for yourself. 

None of your issues have anything to do with bio.

1. Some couples communicate well some have to work at it.(there are suggestions above)

2. Snooping: there is no snooping if there is nothing to hide. Do you have an open phone policy?(DH and I have agreed to have access to eachothers social media and phones passwords etc. For practical reasons and bc we both have many mutual friends. We both have locks on our phone bc ss7 likes to snatch but we know the number lock to eachothers)

3. Communication with Bio: Communication with BIO has to exist! I would rather it be good than poor!( as long as boundaries are clear and do not only benefit bio, there is nothing to worry about.)

4. Sharing of memories with bio: depends on the memory!  Recently I found some baby pictures of both of my SSs births. Their mothers were holding them, relatives were cooing latida. We are using one copy to put in each childs memory box(sappy i know). The other copy will go to each BM for mothers day. If it was  things that dad, exwife and child did together while you two were married and they are both saying what great time they had as a family....Well that is a different problem.

5. Bringing up the ex: the reason you are his wife is bc she is his ex. Why point out all the good things they might have? Are you trying to push him back to her?( the exception is stated in 4 above)

6. About him not caring: my DH always says that about things he does npt want to talk about. Usually when he thinks I am out of line and really wants to stop me talking. 

Bio is a threat only if your DH is a POS with no character.

That is true in any marriage. There is no threat if both partners are of sound character.