I don't expect my SS to even remember my birthday, I'm not his parent. Nor do I do anything for his birthday, he's not my son.

I actually think her calling you at all for your birthday was pretty decent, but I maybe I don't know the whole story.

Birthdays are mostly overlooked by both SDs, if they do anything they ask theior mother to tell me Happy Bday through a call or text, that way they don't have to actually say it to me and it appears to their mother that they care, IMO.  More than likely she (DW) has to tell them it's my Bday and then I get acknowledged, which is fine I don't acknowledge them unless I have to physically see them, then it's just a simple Happy Birthday.

And even when they know my birthday has happened, there's no acknowledgement.  It's gross, but it is what it is.

A gift? Ha, ha! That's rich...

SD sent me an e-card a few years. Then it became a one-line email wish and I was surprised she did that much.

Last year, nothing, which is what I expect. But then she started calling her father incessantly asking HIM if I received her email wish, as if it was some expensive thing she wanted to be sure arrived safely. For a month she asked him if I got her email birthday wish and like an idiot, he kept asking me...because, you know, email takes so long to arrive. SD never asks about me as far as I can tell, so like you, I knew this was a big show for her father to prove what a gracious SD she is.

I waited for it to be dropped, but he kept asking so I finally had to lay it down for him: she didn't send it. If she was so worried that I received it, she might call or email me asking ME if I got it. She is putting you on. It's a show. So let's stop pretending. She only wants YOU to know she made the gesture and...she didn't, so stop asking me and drop it.

I could tell my husband doubted my read on the situation. I didn't give a damn. I was powering up to disengage at the time. A few weeks later, SD sent a postcard to our house addressed only to him. I made a bigger deal out of that because it fell into her pattern of subtle messaging: Marblefawn does not exist in her world. That one little postcard was what finally made me totally disengage from her.

From our early history, I never expected SD to acknowledge my birthday. I was never asked to sign any cards sent to her, even though my husband always asked me to sign cards to his other family members. When I was still trying to bring us together, I told him he should let me sign cards to her so she knows I wish her well and I exist. I think it happened one time. I got tired of asking to be part of their little "thing" that they have going. I was fighting her for my place and I was fighting him for a place in this marriage and it was exhausting.

When I still visited her, I'd see cards he sent for her birthday or Christmas displayed, so I knew he sent them. What did it say to me that I was not asked to sign anything to her, but was always asked to sign cards for others? It was a slight by both of them, but especially him -- it was as if he was ashamed that he married me or was trying to downplay my existence as his wife. Any wonder it was OK for SD to treat me like shit for so many years.

When I disengaged, it meant I could give them both exactly what they wanted and I wouldn't feel slighted anymore. Let them have their little club.

When a relative of SD's husband died, my husband asked me to send them a sympathy card. I wrote the greeting only to the son in law and addressed the envelope only to him, even though I knew SD was close to the relative. Disengagement gives me the right to give what I got.

Obviously, I think your read on your SD's non-text was correct. However, when I did get an email from SD for my birthday, I always acknowledged that tiny effort because, after all, it was a tiny effort. I'd write one line back thanking her and left it at that. So I'd respond to your SD's text with a text in kind -- thank her and let it go. That she missed your actual birthday by a day is minor -- people do get busy and days fly by. She did text you so I'd give her that much back so you can never be accused of ignoring her effort. I think that's the civil thing to do -- no more or less than she did for you.

My, DH's, and SD32's birthdays are all within a two week span with SD's last so what I do for her depends on what she does for DH. I don't care if she remembers mine.

Usually I would order something online and have it shipped to her.  One year she complained that I should have it shipped to me first and then wrap it and send it to her with a card. After that she's lucky to get just the card. 

I always get text messages from my husbands son. As for his daughter she use to and after the last blow outs we've had I haven't received anything since and I'm ok with that. Although she did put forth the effort I never felt it was genuine on her part. She only did it so she can say to her father "look dad I reached out". It makes me no difference especially now that I am disengaged.

She was just looking for something to complain about.  

One year it was oldest step-GS (OGSKID?) 10th birthday and I had ordered what he had requested from Macys, spent $200.  They live in another state (Thank God!). I confirmed on the UPS website that it was out for delivery, and I texted that to her.  His party was the next day. At 9 pm she texted me THAT IT FINALLY ARRIVED and she was so concerned that it WOULDN'T ARRIVE ON HIS ACTUAL BIRTHDAY! 

Good God woman chill out, it's skinny jeans and button up shirts because that's what he asked for, they don't need refrigeration.  

My adult skid never acknowledges my birthday. Sometimes we will go out to dinner with my MIL for my birthday and skid shows up for the free dinner and does not say a word. 

My DH one time bought a card with a gift card from skid and had him give it to me. I looked DH squarely in the eye and thanked him not skid. I have since told DH do not by presents (birthday and Christmas or any other holiday) for me from skid. I will not thank him for something that he did not do and just stop it. 

I say Happy Birthday to skid if I see him on that day but otherwise I don't call or text. 

The kid calls me.  We call  him on his B-day.  It is our thing.

It is nice, we give each other crap, it works for us.

For years my OSD, now in her 40's, called her father to tell me happy birthday.  This way she could put on her most charming and giggly voice that she thinks is attractive.  The last time she did it I just started laughing. We now no longer acknowledge each other at all and I prefer it this way. 

consisted of a hastily inkjet printed greeting card which enclosed 3 lottery tickets. . .one for each skid.

Nope never got a "happy birthday" from any of them.   And never will.

I got a happy bday text from my formerSO's daughter after I left him. It was the first time she acknowledged my birthday...lol, first text ever!

Normally she made a point to not even look in my direction, let alone speak with me. She called my babyBS (her 1/2 brother) "it", instead of his name. Think - why is it doing that? I dont want to hold it. 

She was showing daaaddddeee how nice ahe was to me as a way of manipulating him. (Seeeeee it's not myyyyy fault she left, can I have money for xyz). Literally he gave her money because she was so nice to send me a text. 

As an adult, I don't care about my birthday, and often forget it myself.  I don't care if anyone acknowledges it, it's just another day to me.

My skids never sent a card or called me on my birthday. Really I could care less. I spend my birthday with people I love and love me. I guess that is why I have a Happy Birthday.

I can relate to your situation. My Step kids rarely remember my birthday.  They are ALWAYS reminded by my husband and never remember on their own.  I have known them since they were 10 and 13 and they are now 25 and 28.  

I always had gone way out of my way for their birthdays and Christmas.  We always have Christmas with them on Christmas Eve and I plan a big celebration and do all of the cooking and shopping.  The one year that they gave me a card, it was a pretty hard Christmas for me as I had just lost my mother and I was trying to put on a brave face and make things nice for everyone.  I got a card from them where they actually wrote that they were starting to feel like maybe that could start thinking about accepting me into the family and then signed it Sincerely with their names.  

Needless to say they did not accept me into their family then or for the last 15 years.  However, they have accepted me just fine when they want something.  I will also point out that they never even told me they were sorry about my mother who died very suddenly.  She also used to send them gifts for birthdays and holidays.  

Anytime I ever say anything to my husband about any of their behavior, he is always saying "poor kids he feels so bad for them they have had it hard"  REALLY?  

Some have written that is not their child so they don't expect anything, I disagree.  Just because someone is not your biological parent doesn't mean you shouldn't  be courteous and acknowledge birthdays, holidays and deaths.  After all this person is someone important to your parent and really how hard is it to just acknowledge such events? 

I would be willing to bet if you had forgotten you SD birthday it would have been a whole different story!! 

SD has never acknowledged my Birthday - OR DH's.  I would rather have it that way than the phony B.S. your SD is pulling.  another episode of 'Making SM look bad'.   I like your 'cut the B.S.' approach.

One time SD was visiting on my Birthday and became enraged when DH wished me a Happy Birthday.  Neither she nor her husband would speak to me or even look at me for the rest of the day.  And of course, DH never said a word to her or her Husband.  Now I am completely disengaged from her so I could care less of her Birthday.  Judging from what I've received from her the few times I DID receive a Christmas 'gift', I'd rather she forget.  LOL

Skid and I don't talk much.  When he calls the house I don't answer as he is calling to talk to his mother.  Father's day he calls, I don't answer as i don't thinks its for me.  I guess I hurt his feeling as he had to tell his mother about it and I am the bad guy.  I sad really.  No happy birthday in years.  No Christmas present in years even though we spend lots on him.  He has my cell number so he could call or even leave a message.  Its all about gaslighting and making them look important and caring even when they are not.

I long gave up on SD remembering my birthday. She once wished me happy birthday 3 days late after she saw my son her half brother make a Facebook entry three days after my birthday. My husband doesn't think its anything for me to be upset about. Few years ago I used his phone there  was a message to Hus ex wife wishing her a happy birthday from both off us.BULL SHIT that never happened again.

I had the best birthday this year that I've had in a long time this year because of how my SO organised all three boys (including mine) to do stuff for me. It was all little stuff. My OSS was sad because I had to make my own cake (the only one I trust with baking is YSS and he's too young to do that on his own, so I didn't mind at all.) 

Next year I'll be away for my birthday with none of my kids around. I expect it will be pretty good. My SO travels for work and he's taking me with him this year (he'll make me work though...)

My ex on the other hand... did eff all for me and refused to do anything for me on mother's day as I wasn't his mother. 

At one time, we were VERY close to SD, and had a pretty good family relationship, until last year, but that's another story.  Back when we were talking to SD, she invited us over for coffee and gave her father 2 bags of M&M's for his birthday.  On father's day he got a phone call.  At Christmas, she gave us each a coffee mug with a picture of the grandchild.  The following year, she gave us an ornament that the 1 year old painted.  I put a bug in DH's ear, and he suggested to her we not exhange gifts anymore.  When my mother passed, she texted me a "I'm so sorry"  Really, that's the best you can do?  On my birthday she sent a text "Happy Birthday" with a party icon.  Two months later, on her birthday, I sent a text at 8 pm "Happy Birthday" with no icon.  Moral of the story is You Get What You Give.

Most of us deal with skids who weren't raised properly. These precious Children of Divorce often get the Bargain Basement Parenting package, meaning BM does the minimum amount required to keep the skids from being completely feral, throws in a good dose of alienation, and completely skips the social graces and empathy part.

And where are the fathers in this mess? Why aren't they teaching their kids to give as well as receive? Why aren't they guiding and instructing kids on how to treat others? I happen to really enjoy doing nice things for others. It's such a great feeling to make someone else feel happy and special, so it's a shame to deprive precious skids of it. It's just crappy parenting that skids aren't made to write thank you notes, remember birthdays or do anything nice for others, and fathers deserve just as much blame as mothers do.

DH gives them plenty of cash on all occassions, they would not be around him otherwise and he knows it.  Nonetheless, buying their attention is something he appears to like to do, so he can do it.  The money thing does not bother me at all, and now that I have been away from that sick crowd for sometime, I am feeling happy about never being excluded to my face. They never gave me over 20.00 of anything even when I was trying to fit in....  I did have to watch DH get is own personal presents and they were quite generous to him whenever I was around.  I honestly believe they only did that to make certain I felt even more excluded in the family, in retrospect.

I want nothing from people whom I never want see again....so, I am thankful for nothing and peace. There is no present or recognition they could give me to make up for the years of misery. Happy to be free!

15 years. Never have  gotten  birthday, Christmas , Mothers day card,text anything from either adult  Stepkids. My three adult kid always get DH a birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day presents or cards. 

No not at all His standard answer to everything. “They are adults and I have no control over their actions. They are who they are and I can’t change them”. I am sure he has never said a word to them. 

No card or acknowledgment  of any kind when my Mother and Brother passed away last year either. DH never said a word to them then either.

You mean, as in zero, nada or none?  Happy Birthday "wishes" from skids? Stories.  That's my story.

You did very well.  Good job.

This post is.... confusing. I'm not trying to be rude, just pointing out what I see as my opinion, but it sounds like you feel like SD should celebrate your and DH's birthdays the way she and her husband celebrate his parents' birthdays. But when she reaches out to say hey happy birthday, you intentionally ignore her. This sends a message, and my guess is enough messages have been sent to her that says she isn't welcome or liked, so why would she want to celebrate your birthday?

Even though the SD's husbands family might be degenerates, maybe they make her feel good about reaching out and putting in an effort. Maybe they all have fun together and enjoy each other's company. 

My SO's son is only 4, so my reference of experience is my dad's wife. They got married when I was 22 and we've been friendly, but never close. She is my dad's entire WORLD, and I've always felt a put aside since they got together. Nonetheless, I'm happy they make each other happy and I respect them. For birthdays I always get both of them gifts, take them out to dinner, text/call. She doesn't get me anything for my birthday, and discourages my dad from doing too much. (Yet she has him build elaborate furnature for HER daughter and HER husband.)

At the end of the day, birthdays should not be a measurement of how much someone cares about you. Expecting someone you don't really like to chase you down and do very specific things is confusing and doesn't add up. It sounds like you can't stand her and she's already out of the picture, so I'm not sure why it matters. If you want to be the good person, I would be gracious and just thank her for the birthday wishes. 

I have never missed SD 32 birthday in  25 years. Any gift she has ever gotten for anything I have bought. Not once in her adult life has she given me anything . My birthday us either for gotten or way too late. Text messages leave me cold. So now I don't buy her gifts nor do I text her about anything. I treat her as she treats me cold and disrespectfull.. I love her kids though I don't see them as much another punishment I guess.

It and our 2 kids. So anytime hubby says its his sons birthday, i don’t comment or wish happy anything, totally ignore it andnif hubby wants to treat his son for birthday dinner, they go alone. Since getting married 4 yrs ago we try to go interstate for a long weekend to celebrate my birthday and ss doesn’t come. 

He’s not welcome because his detached lonely ignoring personality would dampen anyones mood. Why would you want to be at birthday dinner happily enjoying food and he starts hassling hubby that we can leave now and go home when i’m still eating because i had to feed bubs first while they ate.

yup thats my rude ss and hubby just looked at him and me and back at his son as said i’m still eating, can’t you see and ss rolled his eyes at ceiling like he couldn’t see...

Now that Feral Eldest SD19 has gone no contact with her ENTIRE family, (using me as the basic excuse, her "mean" uncle with lymphoma as the secondary excuse) DH doesnt get any phone calls, or meals, just a text. Munchkin SD12 seems to be the only one she wishes to contact.

Ive only gotten a few "happy birthdays". By accident. Munchkin SD will wish me happy birthday. Typically for my birthday, my parents will take us out to dinner, or give me cash. That works. Birthdays are a bigger deal for DH, where everyone gets together for a big party. With lots of food.

No Christmas appearance last year from Feral Eldest. That excuse (made to Munchkin) was "I dont feel like answering questions about my life!"

Yep. She makes zero effort, and I am done, since I now know she hates me.

My stepdaughter went out and bought a cake and a card for me for my birthday because my SO wanted it to be a surprise and boy was I surprised.

I thought it was very sweet and I was appreciativeI know she didn't genuinely care it was my burthday, but I was glad that for once she did something to make her father and I happy.