Disengaging, the end?
I disengaged from all of the aspects of my OHs life that I didn't enjoy roughly 2 weeks ago. It worked out great, but he kept making little comments about it signalling the end, and how it wasn't fair that I could pick and choose.
I spent Friday night with him and his children, I did not cook for them nor clean up after them. BM had an emergency and he ended up having all 3 kids Saturday (including his autistic 11 year old son) which he doesn't normally do as HS11 is so demanding, so challenging, he needs one on one constantly. I helped make dinner for them, it's impossible to do while HS11 is there. He dropped them off around 9pm.
Sunday I went out with friends til about 5, when I got back to his place he seemed kinda off. This morning he announced he didn't want to buy the house we had been looking at, that he maybe didn't want to buy a house at all. He doesn't want to get married again in the future. He wants to live abroad, something I would never do. I'm super close to my family. He feels like he's keeping me from the things I want. He has it in his head I want KIDS! Sorry buddy, I've met your spawn, and other peoples' spawn. Kids are NOT for me. I didn't console him, reassure him or offer more compromise. I simply accepted this was it. He didn't like that, became sad. Was I supposed to put up a fight? Persuade him that it was ok?
I've taken the few things I had at his place and gone home. I can't figure out if he's jealous of my freedom, or just angry at me for not doing what I used to do for him. I knew when I disengaged that things would change, either things would improve or things would end. The result was swifter than I expected!
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Well, now you know. It sounds
Well, now you know. It sounds like he will always resent you because you don't have the responsibility of kids and can do what you want. And that you will not make HIS responsibilities, your own.
I'm sorry that this is seemingly the end of your relationship but it's much better you know this now, before buying a house with him and getting married.
Where did he get the idea that you wanted kids? That is something DH and I discussed right up front. I mean, it's important!
Looks that way! He acts like
Looks that way! He acts like he wants to go live abroad, play sports when it suits him and that I am stopping him, but his father and offspring are the ones who keep him from living the life he wants. That's on him, nothing to do with me.
I have no idea where he got that idea. I've never really wanted kids, but after I met his I realised I just don't like kids at all. None of them. Not his, not other peoples, none of them. It's too much! They always want something! You're never alone! I'm quite content to have puppies. I've been clear on this. Silly man.
Amen to NO kids!
He has confused you wanting him and tolerating his kids with you wanting the whole package.
Best to move on. With your new insight about what you want, you can find a better match.
He sounds jealous and like he
He sounds jealous and like he wants someone else to wallow in his misery.
He wants to live abroad, but knows he will likely never be able to because of his special needs son. He doesn't want to bug a house because that would mean he really is stuck. Same with getting married. Same with him projecting that you want kids. If you wanted kids, then he would have a good reason to leave you. But you don't, and he can't leave physically, so he feels stuck.
It's a bit like running into someone at the grocery store, saying your goodbyes, then realizing you are walking in the same direction. It's awkward, and my guess is that the gravity of his choices have finally come down and he's realizing he won't be physically relocating. And neither will you. He's saying goodbye because he wants different things, but he knows he can't have them. And he knows you CAN have the things he wants but you don't want them, so you'll still be around (even if not with him).
He's conflicted - stay with you and watch as you don't do things he wants to do that you have the freedom to do, or leave you and watch you do what you want to do. Either way, he is stuck, and he doesn't know if it is better to be stuck with someone who will stick around by her own rules or to leave that person and be stuck alone. It's awkward for him, and he wants ANY justification to make it less awkward.
You aren't letting him use you as his scapegoat. That is upsetting him. It's not your problem.
I think he figured he found
I think he figured he found himself a nice live in babysitter and when you opted out of raising HIS children he decided you no longer fit the bill.
Do you Lavendar and live your
Do you Lavendar and live your best life! I'm glad you know have come to terms with the relationship and will not spend anymore time on something that no longer suits you.
Yeah it sounds like now that
Yeah it sounds like now that you aren't around to cater to him and skids as much, he has concocted a whole list of reasons why this won't work. Once you are not around at all, I bet he will realize he's being an idiot and the grass isn't greener without you in it...even though you are obviously holding him back from his super realistic dream of living abroad. ROFL. At least you are now free to go live your dream of having 5 children of your own!
Good for you. I still can't
Good for you. I still can't get over him saying it's "not fair" that you only do what you choose to do. How childish - they aren't your children, why should you do anything for them? And yet you did - you cooked dinner to help him out.
I guess you found out your worth to him. Sorry, I'm sure it's painful - but go find a man without kids.
This would be like finding a
This would be like finding a unicorn riding a pegasus!
There are some! My boss found
There are some! My boss found one - 40ish, no kids, doesn't care that she doesn't want any more ...
That's amazing! When I was
That's amazing! When I was single, every guy either had kids, or wanted kids. I was seriously ALWAYS the only one who didn't want kids. Come on!
Dodged a Bullet
Well done. Glad you saw who this guy really is, instead of buying his story.
Wow
I think he’s jealous that you get to pick and choose and believes his partner should take on his responsibilities. I’m in a similar boat. I am not married and we do not have our own children together but my BF expects an equal partner with domestic chores. I’m getting annoyed quickly. I think you should be able to pick and choose, at least until you’re married ( maybe even then) I don’t know. But I know what it feels like to do a lot of hard work and just be Dad’s GF, or whatever.
He's mad that he actually has
He's mad that he actually has to parent his children. He has to do it himself. Unlike some of us, you're smart and refuse to get caught up in being the stand in mommy. You made it clear you don't want children and don't want to act like a mommy to other children. Good for you.
There's nothing wrong with that. You just need a man with no or grown children. He needs to grow up, learn how to do for his own kids and stop looking for a replacement mommy.