Phone calls
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I called DH today I needed to ask him a question about work. I didn't know he was at SD house. So he answers the phone and he sounds really weird. I thought something was really wrong.
It was really weird. He sounded like a different person. He obvious did not want his daughter to know who was calling. When I heard the kid crying in the backgroud I figured out where he was and said never mind and hung up. He sounded like someone who's was with his mistress and his wife called.
So I guess he is not allowed to talk to his wife in front of his sick spawn. So how do I handle this with him when I go home tonight from work?
I agree playing games is
I agree playing games is childish and will get you no where.
You need to talk to him. That is the only way to get somewhere. Playing games only creates more problems.
I don't think it needs to be
I don't think it needs to be retaliatory, it is demonstrating his behavior back to him.
I think not going home and having some fun on your own is called for.
Then have the conversation.
Sometimes people don't the problem until they need to deal with it themselves.
Moose, I really feel for you
Moose, I really feel for you because I can remember being in your shoes. It was tough to wonder how you were going to deal with such a situation where your DH seems so detached from you, how he insults you with his obvious priorites, how he devalues you with his actions while worshipping an SD he has placed on a pedestal. Then, acting embarrassed of you to SD!
It would be great to give him a bit of his own medicine but it would probably be a wasted effort. This man has his priorities mixed up like my DH did. I only wish I had some magical solution but I don't. The only way this changed in my marriage was first of all to post and read on Steptalk, then see a therapist by myself. And it worked wonders. I was able to gain the confidence and courage to place boundaries on both SD and DH.
I am not one for ultimatums but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if you want to continue to live like this or to take the plunge. I gave DH the choice of working on the marriage or leaving. This meant I was risking the marriage to reclaim myself - and I've never been sorry. Either way I would find a way to live the rest of my life practicing self-respect and mutual respect. If DH had not decided to change he would have be gone. The marriage as it was, wouldn't have been worth it.
You are worthy of being treated like a wife. You are worthy of respect and consideration. Your marriage is worthy of being placed in a position of top priority. Ask yourself if it is really worth sacrificing your dignity to maintain the status quo. Life is too short - do what it takes to create change.
What you did Sandye21 is what
What you did Sandye21 is what I also did. You took the high road, good for you! I follow your posts, because we have such a similar situation. I've learned so much from you. The only thing I have to add is I also let SD57 know she was not the "Alpha Female".
How I do this???? When SD comes to visit DH, or if I have to be around her, I am cool, calm, and throw a barrier up around myself (do not include SD in conversation or anything). She does not exist in the room. I let her know I can't stand to look at her, without a word. I have not, nor will I ever, give SD the satisfaction of playing her head games. I have never had words with her, nor will I tolerate her in any way. I sit beside my DH, I join in on the conversation, thru my DH. My SD tries to be nice and carry on a conversation with me; NOT. I will quietly walk out and leave the situation, if that is what it takes. I set the pace and choose when, where, and how I will be around this nasty woman. I do not go to her home or tolerate any more ugly holidays with her. I do not hostess her, when she comes to visit her Dad. It is totally up to him to do that, which DH is a very poor hostess; never thinks to offer anything to them. I say nothing.
My DH knows my stance and is understanding it more every day. SD57 shows her colors often, because she hates my disengagement, my independence, and the silence.
After 38 years of abuse from this "other woman", there is no way she will ever be part of my life again.
Total disengagement is where I've been for the past years.
Thank you Sandye21 for being here for all of us. Your advice has been priceless to me.
Sammi, As far as I'm
Sammi, As far as I'm concerned you are my rock! So it is nice to know we have both helped each other. I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn't found this site.
I agree - you have to let SD and DH know by your actions that the world as they knew it was forever changed. And call him on his bad behavior, "Tell it like it is."
I forgot to mention that I let SD and DH know I was no longer playing the B.S. game with them, acknowledging so both of them could hear, "SD doesn't like me and I don't like her." Kind of cleared the air but boy! Was it liberating!
You rock
im new to this group, but girl, you rock. Can’t wait to read more. I’m so sick of my situation, I cannot believe others are dealing with these SheDEVILS too. THE POst above is wonderful. I’ll be back.
Absolutely, preach it sister
Absolutely, preach it sister Sandye!
That is awful, to feel like
That is awful, to feel like you can't even talk to your own husband in front of his daughter. Or rather, he feels like he can't talk to his WIFE in front of his daughter.
I would definitely tell him how this makes you feel.
His voice sounded like a
His voice sounded like a complete stranger. Not the husband I spent 3 days out of town reconnecting with. A stranger that I was bothering. Back to the reality that when Sd is far away we have a great marriage. When she comes back in the picture so does the giant wedge she creates.
Your husband is actually the
Your husband is actually the one creating the wedge. He is the one who acts weird when his daughter is in the picture.
He is a grown man, is he afraid to let his daughter know that he loves you? Is he ashamed that he loves you? Just ridiculous behavior and it is HIS behavior.
I'm not saying that he has to swoon over you in front of his daughter but to not even be able to have a normal conversation with you because she is there? I don't get it.
We really got along well
We really got along well while we were out of town for a few days. We really connected again. In a blink of an eye it all has to get erased because he has to go running back to His mini wife. I hate that B&:&h!!!! I hate the fact she owns DH balls!!!
Hate your husband because
Hate your husband because he's the one who allows it!
I would simply ignore it....
I would simply ignore it.... and I might say something like...
why are you acting like an idiot when I call and you are visiting your daughter? I will not even listen to his pathetic answer cause it will not be the truth, I am just letting him know, I'm not stupid.....
but to worry about it or to give a shyt, nope not me, maybe it's because I never answer my phone when I'm visiting people...I do not even look who's calling lol
Moose: At this point, I
Moose: At this point, I would say nothing. The next time you call your DH and this happens, simply tell him to "call you, when he leaves his daughter's house, so you and he can talk, and he can come down out of his defensive manner". Say it like it is.
I would call him on every action around his DD. I would not say anything in her presence, but only when you and DH are alone. Never, never make a fight of it, just look your DH in the eye and calmly express you dislike of his actions; never mention SD's behavior, he won't believe you anyway. Just address his behavior towards you. "His" behavior is the problem here and his daughter knows what is going on, so she pushes it also; with that said, it's your DH's actions and it has always baffled me.
I once told my DH; "I am your wife, you owe me the respect. If you want respect from me, you show me respect; that includes especially when we are around other people, including your grown kids and grandkids." It is getting better and easier for us, after 38 years of marriage and 8 years of disengagement from SD.
I am totally disengaged from my SD57 for 8 years. She still comes to visit her Dad, I have absolutely nothing to do with her and never will engage with this "other woman" again. My SD actually stepped into BM's shoes, when DH and BM divorced, before I met DH. Then when DH met me, she even told me "I am jealous of you and Dad's relationship, because BM and Dad never had this type of relationship". So there you go!
My DH knows the problem and is accepting my actions as time goes; but he will still defend his DD, if I was to ever enter her name into our conversation, therefore, I never mention or ask about her.
I feel bad for what you are experiencing. Stay here on Steptalk. I could not have retrieved my dignity and self esteem without this site.
((((hugs))))
i think you should have just
i think you should have just continued your conversation and not hung up. why let him play the game with you and make YOU uncomfortable? I would have asked point blank right there what is it about me that makes your daughter so uncomfortable?
I don't know...is it worth
I don't know...is it worth opening the wound?
See, I don't think bringing it up will get you anywhere because it never has before. You're irked. I get it. I've been there in this exact situation. It wasn't a "new" issue - just a continuation of the whole mess.
What will you gain by bringing it up? Maybe you'll fight. You'll undo a nice three days you just spent with him. You'll probably ruin his night and yours. He already knows you're angry. What more needs to be said?
If you're disengaged, then be disengaged from this crap too. Be above this. SD is NOTHING to you. Let him get his panties in a bunch when you call and he's with her. But don't get YOUR panties in a bunch over it. You're bigger than that.
I'm suggesting you choose not to let this ruin your day. She wins twice if you let it ruin your day.
(I realize my answer might not be very popular, but from a practical sense, save yourself from another unproductive fight. This could be the start of true disengagement, and that can bring you more good days.)
I really like your advice
I really like your advice marblefawn. I agree and though there are times that is still bothers me - I keep quiet because I am not about to let as you said "three nice days" be ruined because his kids call when I am not around or visit when I am not around because they want to avoid me.
I keep reminding myself - I tried and they didn't so it is on them. I never did anything hurtful, spiteful, and I didn't take their Daddy from their BM. They were long ago divorced and my husband would NEVER go back to the BM. I no longer let them ruin my day or cause any disagreements between my husband and I.
I treat them as I would distant relatives now. They don't seem to care that I pulled away - so why should I? Also, I refuse to let my SD passive aggressive ways of letting me know I don't count get us in a disagreement. It isn't going to happen, because I am bigger than that.
Sometimes the best lesson is in the mirror.
So, I agree with those who recommended giving DH a bit of his own behavioral reflection in the mirror.
Dress up, and go out for the evening while he stares slack jawed as you leave. If he asks where you are going or who you are going with. Just say "Oh no where. Don't worry about it." in as weird and sneaky way as possible.
Then after he has stewed on it a bit... ask him how it feels to be out of the loop then call him on his emotionally incestuous relationship with his spawn.
my vote
I would let him know how I feel. Well, i'd ask him first why he was acting so weird on the phone.Just to give him a chance to tell his side. Maybe there's a true explanation. But, not if this has happened before. Wonder if his background is the same as what I see - guilty father trying to make it up to his SD. I'm not saying that that behavior is OK even if guilt were the reason. It would make me really mad actually!