Is it YOUR house, or you and DH's house? If it belongs to both of you, then just let DH go with his kids and grandkids.  If it's your house, then that's the last time they will see the inside of it.

ok - so you had already disengaged when she arrived? Then I don't know why you expected anything different. 

Don't invite her back. Don't engage. Just leave it. 

I mean, I think that writing letters only addressed to her father - and getting kids to do the same is pretty rude. But if you were already disengaged then she has every right to disengage as well. It goes BOTH ways. My SM treated me like shit, I disengaged. She wonders now why I don't encourage my son to talk to her granddaughter. Her granddaughter wants to talk to my son because he has an English accent. My son is not a zoo animal to be skyped for someone's curiosity and entertainment. 

Once they decide they dislike you for whatever reason, it is pretty much over for the SM, I believe. You need to decide they are no longer part of your life, never see them or engage in their drama (as a result of poor parenting), again. Nobody has to be around people who dislike them and intentionally discludes them.  You owe yourself better than that. Our husbands owe us better than that....but many of us have husbands who live with the consequences of their own poor parenting.  YOU do not, just look out for your self from here on out.  It is not a perfect situation, but it is the best we can create for ourselves in this very sick family dynamic.

*** She does not return your YOUR home again, if you are wise.

So, she layed her cards on the table, they "don't like you".  Make her play that hand and bring the pain.  The kids are just manipulated pawns.  So... no more access to anything in your life for this toxic turd and her turdlets. Ever.

DH can see them somewhere that HE provides far from anything that  you provide.

Do not let DH delude himself regarding his toxic spawn. Keep his nose rubbed in that reality firmly. 

How he chooses to deal with that stench is up to him but it is up to you to keep his nose rubbed in that stanky spot on his life's carpet.

Write them off and bring the pain.

Have fun!!!

"that's not fair of you at all! That's why we don't like you!"  This completely takes you off of the hook!  Lucky you!!!  Now when DH wants you to play 'Happy Family' you can tell him, "SD said they didn't like me."  That means they don't like being around you.  That means they don't want to take advantage of your vacation house or your hospitality.  That means that you can tell DH that you are merely honoring SD's wishes by staying out of their lives.  If DH wants to see them, he can go alone and pay for it.  Whatever you do, don't ever allow him to blame you in any way, shape or form.

Take all of your giving attitude and hospitality, invite people with whom you have a mutually respective relationship with to your vacation property, and have a ball!

In the sentence, "that's not fair of you at all! That's why we don't like you!"  she told you who she is.

They don't like you because you admit that you were hurt by their rudeness? Okay, then.

I guess she doesn't realize how stupid she sounds or that her response doesn't explain her rudeness in the first place.

I guess she will know why she is never invited back. 

I have a vacation home that I bought years before I even met DH.  It is mine. period. dot.   Before the home invasion SS and the GF had asked DH (not me) about using it.  I wasn't thrilled about it - but at that time I was trying to get along with them.  I was planning though on putting a lock on our bedroom and relegating them to the 2nd bedroom.  We would not have been there.

About two months before this planned visit they entered our home in their city while we were on vacation, slept in our bed, used my most intimate personal items, drank (or stole) GALLONS of liquor, and ransacked our home - looking for money or drugs left over from my surgeries probably.   At that point they became persona non grata in my life.

But they pitched a hissy fit that they were no longer going to be able to use my vacation home.  Seriously - how stupid could they be?  No way I would allow them near anything I owned ever again.

The GF told DH (in writing) that he could no longer see their child - basically because he would not make me "behave".  She also said that I just "needed to get over it" referring to their unauthorized use of our main home - which by the way 100% belongs to me.  DH is not on the deed or loan.

In reality - they did me a huge favor.  I no longer have to have ANYTHING to do with them.  Done.  If DH died I would not even notify SS.  He just doesn't exist in my world.   SS helped BM conceal the death of his older brother so that would DH only found out after the funeral.   Karma.

SD's cards and letters addressed only to my husband were the final straw that made me disengage from her. So, yea, I'd feel slighted if I were you. Who cares who pays the mortgage? You are part of your husband's life so nothing happens without impact on you, including a visit from SD and her kids.

If nothing else, you gave them your time. But most likely, you did a lot more than that: cleaning before they got there, washing their linens after they left, buying food to feed them.

Regardless, if you didn't lift a finger, it's common courtesy to thank your hosts especially when she was already writing a damn thank you card. By default of marriage, you were also their host.

How much trouble would it have been to add, "and Bethany" to the damn thank you note? How begruding and spiteful did she have to be to make a point like that? Not writing your name on there is a subtle message and you read it correctly.

I do not believe for a nanosecond that your SD "just forgot" you (this was my SD's defense when she pulled this), or that she really thinks her father did everything to make that week-long visit happen and you did nothing. More likely this micro aggression was born of jealousy and pettiness and that behavior should not be rewarded with a second invitation or any more kindness from you.

She indicated what she thinks of you. Disengagement is the appropriate response to her message.

To hell with 'em. Enjoy your disengagement. I sure am!

Seriously, I have the same problem.  If the steps know they can be rude to you, and it doesn't change the relationship with their Dad, they are going to be rude.  I have never received thank you notes, kindness or any nice behavior and know I never will.  Disengagement only works if you can send the message to the step adult kids, without hurting your husband.  I have some ways that I do this, just some advice:

1. They are rude when they walk in the door - I don't acknowledge them or make eye contact.  Instead I look past them and say Hmmm and half smile (more like a smirk), they can tell something is off, but my husband isn't as perceptive because he's preoccupied with their AMAZING presence.

2. Don't listen to them - act distracted.  You can pretend you forgot to do something, call someone or do another important household task. I usually clean the kitchen.  Normal people greet guests and offer something to eat or drink. DON'T be a normal person because they are not normal people!  Just go about your business.

3. If they throw an insult in you're direction that they think is clever - tell them you can't hear them.  Say "sorry,  what was that, I can't hear you". It's never as funny if they have to repeat it and say it the second time around.  Kind of takes the wind out of their sails.

4. Be polite - I say "no thank you" to everything they say. Say, I really don't discuss that, since it's not very interesting and move on.

5. Don't go to dinner, lunch, vacation or anything with them.  Let your husband have alone time with the adult brats.  Often times, they will take out their frustrations on him if you are not there and he can deal with it.

6. Very important - DO NOT EVER BUY THEM ANYTHING - EVER!!!!!

7.  If they are in your home, do not let them relax!  Cause an uncomfortable environment by cleaning with bleach, doing laundry, vacuming, having friends or a repair man over.  They cannot ever be allowed to be the center of attention.  This will make it too hard for them to be the nasty way they are.

8. To truly disengage - NEVER let your guard down.  Step adult kids are clever, crafty and mean with the way they want you to feel.  If the above starts to work on them (and it does work), they will try to get your involvement again.  This is because they get off on hurting you.  Making you feel terrible makes them feel good.  Sick? Yes it is.  So know that once you disengage, you cannot go back emotionally.  If you go back and try again, they will perceive you as weak and vulnerable.  They will see themselves as stronger and smarter than you.

9. If they have to stay over, don't make it comfortable and inviting.  I'll never forget the time my dog pooped on the floor in front of the door right before they arrived. My husband was bringing them from the airport. I left it for them and went out the back door of the house for an hour.  Oops, forgot something from the store!

10.  The key to all of this is to not try to please them.  But don't act angry.  Just everytime you think you should do anything nice - just don't.  In this situation you cannot win and less is more.

Remember - be neutral, not nasty. Be disengaged, not mad or upset.  Be polite, but a little aloof.  And please limit contact with them when you can. The less you see of them the better.

This happens to me.SD and kids. I've done a lot for her but I have pulled totally away from her I don't like her. I'd luv to put that in a lovely card. I don't deserve it. I've tried to understand why she treats me like I'm invisible I've done a lot. I think it has something to do with their mothers. Anyway I still see the kids I  luv them . SD doesn't converse with me but she wouldn't keep them from their grandfather. It has been hard but I'm glad I gave up on her. And like you i say something to her about how im treated or how I felt and I have only done this twice in 25 years. She said I caused her anxiety. No apology or recognition . that's why she means nothing to me.

Same here. They ignored me in my own house. Sd is an evil twitch. SS thinks he’s top dog. I got sick of them throwing their weight around expecting the world to spin around them, their manipulative behaviors, ghosting me , the demanding of attention pukes me.  I don’t look directly at them anymore . Who wants to smile and greet them when they can’t respect you even a tiny bit in your own house ? I got tired of being in the lion pit maybe better said the snake pit. Lions for vicious biting, snakes for all the times SS n SD said things about me behind my back. 

‘Both my steps have mommy issues. And I’m the devil himself in their eyes. They’ve never given me a chance ever. I have walked out of the pit. I’ll never never trust them

dh said my never was a strong word when I told SS I’d never trust him or his sister again. I looked him in the eye and said never is exactly what I meant , that I didn’t stutter. Bam , done

I only found out that, according to the skids, i had hated their whole family since 2001, in 2016 so for 15 years i played uber nice and spent tons of money having no idea that they had already written me AND their dad off. Now the whole family thinks we are the bad guys. Both of my steps have Mommy issues as well.  I found out from this site the first family is so much more important than the step-mother, because she had the children for grandma, not me. 

We have never been asked to babysit. We are never invited to their home for anything except the occasional gskids birthday party in the yard. They have never cooked us a meal. I used to do it all the time for them until I found this website.

Now I understand the real true problem and as everyone says since I know how they really feel I don't have to put up with it. They can see DH any time they want but they couldn't care less about him so twice a year is plenty. They were a screwed up bunch way before I came along. If we divorced we would both be miserable and since misery loves company...they would get what they want. 

As a couple we are making retirement plans that will take us away from the area. Being less than 20 miles away from family and never getting a visit sucks. Living somewhere warm, while spending their inheritance, sounds like it would suck less.

Get as far away as you can from them, if your DH cannot man up, like so many others. It is amazing to learn they never liked you even when you were FULLY wining, dining and trying your best to be part of their crazy family. You were not going to be liked regardless of anything you did or did not do for them.  Our DH's are not man enough to parent, or they never parented to begin with...in most cases. People who are parented behave better.

I count my blessings now, I am just sorry I did not catch on earlier to my reality show. No more wasting my time, money and emotion.  People who are this insanely jealous and exclude me-- are not worth it. You'll get there....

In the moments after you told her why she and her children weren't invited back she could have redeemed herself and offered an apology. Instead came a very juvenille and entitled response: 

"that's not fair of you at all! That's why we don't like you!"

It's sad, especially the "we" part of it because she's teaching her children this very low level ungrateful behavior.  She outed herself yet she still expects you to be a doormat, unbelievable.  I'm glad to hear you're disengaging and if you'd ever like some grateful guests give me a call!