My widowed BF 13 yr old daughter lives w him FT
Hi everyone, I was on here a few months ago and made some post about this situation. Clearly, my coming back onto step talk to tells me that I am not at peace with what’s going on. I, however, do not want to move on and leave my boyfriend. There is something about him that I love very much and do you see a fit with him and I to an extent.
To put it briefly, I am a divorced mom of two girls six and 10 years old. I share custody, literally 50/50 with their father. It will most likely stay that way for a while, given the situation with their dad and how difficult he can be. My daughters, however, would love to live with me full-time or at least visit their dad once a week. But in the state of New Jersey it does not work that way. It’s a 50/50 state, if the dad wants it and is able to do it.
I’ve Been dating my boyfriend now for almost a year and a half. He has one daughter 13 and a son who is in college and is 19. I was weary when I met him because he was widowed, but I soon got past that when I saw that we were falling in love and we were great for each other. He only lives 5 miles from
me
da and we have many similar interests and we are both very very affectionate towards each other. While all of that is good and well… At the end of the day, I share custody of my two girls where his daughter lives with him full-time. Not to mention his daughter can be very difficult as a lot of 13-year-old girls are and one that I would never ever in 1 million years want to live with. As there have been times that I do like her and she can be sweet to me, there are also times where it is the opposite. Granted she is dealing with the fact that her mom died a few years ago of cancer, which I definitely sympathize with, and the fact that I don’t think she wants her dad dating ever. She gives him a very hard time anytime he’s going out on a date with me. It’s a work in progress.
Right now I am not as concerned about the fact
that she is giving him a hard time and he certainly needs to work on this with her because she cannot boss her father around and he needs to have a life too. I know they are trying to work on this. What I am most concerned about is, I’m realizing that I’ve been with him for a year and a half and finally started to fall in love with someone and deep down inside I can’t picture myself ever living with him… Because of the daughter. My girls absolutely love him and we all adore him. He’s a great guy. But again, the daughter. My daughter is not only would have a very very difficult time knowing I lived with her 100% of the time and not with them, but she’s a tough kid and she has very high expectations of her wants and needs in life. Something that I’m not sure a conversation with her will just help. I enjoy coming home to my house now on some of the days that I do not have my children and I can do yoga and clean my house and read a book and kind of chill out. The only thing that’s missing is my boyfriend and I miss him. He is home with his daughter. He’ll always invite me to come and have dinner with them but the longer the relationship goes on I find myself not going to his house on those nights. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to sit and hang out with his daughter on the days that I’m not with my kids. Does this make me sound selfish? It may. But the fact of the matter is, I’ve been through hell and back in my marriage. I got out of it a few years ago and I finally found a man that I loved. I can understand seeing his daughter every now and again and spending time with her. But certainly not living with her more than my own children. I know, I should sympathize with the fact that she doesn’t have a mom and she needs a mother figure in her life. But I’m over here trying to be a mom to my own two girls, which as you know can be hard enough especially given the fact that they’ve been through a tremendous amount with me and their father. I really enjoy the times that me and my girls curl up on the couch and watch a movie. Now, my boyfriend, if his daughter is away somewhere and I happen to have my children, he loves coming over to hang out with us which is very sweet and cute and he does not need to. But at the end of the day, he has plenty of opportunity to see me, without my children. Because 50% of the time I am alone in my own house. He still lives in the old marital home where the wife lived for 20 some odd years. Both of the kids definitely have issues from the death of their mom, but yet I just love him so much. There is so much more but I would be typing for five years. I need some input. I need to find another woman who has been in the same situation as me. I have yet to meet a woman who shared 50-50 custody of her own kids and was raising a Nother daughter 100% of the time. My close friends although they love my boyfriend, say there is no way they could ever do it. Their kids would resent them for it. And my oldest 10-year-old daughter, she certainly would resent me. I don’t want to sit down and have a conversation with her about it. I don’t want to have to do it. Ever. I love my daughters too much and again, at their fathers house they’ve been through too much. My house is like a safe haven for them. But nevertheless, it’s even difficult to date my boyfriend. The times were finally together, we have a blast. In your opinion, how often do you think he should be spending the night over my place? He has a 13 -year-old daughter to care for. Some friends feel that at least once or twice a week she should be staying with her grandmother or a babysitter and he should stay over my place. Sometimes I agree and then sometimes I feel bad. I need advice from others who have been through it. I’m a good person. I actually love love children. I’ve coached (gymnastics) most of my life and I love being around children. But this situation is completely different. I’m just tired of having doubts. In one moment I love him love him so so much, and in the second mill meant I think about his daughter and the situation and I instantly get frightened and I think how could I ever marry this man. Advice please
I don't think there's
I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your own place and seeing what happens. There is no rule that things HAVE to progress into living together, and marriage. You will see that there are several women on this site who moved in with their husbands or BF's, and then moved back out because it was too difficult with skids. They continue to be in a relationship.
In a few years, his daughter will be getting more active with high school, driving, etc, and won't be around as much. That may help the situation, allowing your BF to come over more while his daughter is occupied, or vice-versa. If you are happy with him otherwise, just go with it and see what happens.
Curious
I get that you do not want your boyfriend to be overly influenced by his daughter's opinions, but then you you say that you would let your own daughters' opinions infuence your choices.
Why would you ask your boyfriend to basically ignore the opionions of his child, when you would not be willing to do the same?
I think in any situation the parents should be the parents, and the kids should be the kids.
We had major issues when my SO moved in with me due to his lack of parental boundaries. What has helped our situation lots is just laying down the rules of 'our house'. Then it's a combined effort of everyone in the house, not just rules for my kids and different rules for his.
For example: In this house, the children do not back talk or argue with the adults
Forget what other people may use as a timeline, go at your own pace. I think for your situation, you are fortunate that you haven't rushed and moved in together (like I did lol).
I think you need to ask yourself some questions, like what is your ultimate goal from this relationship?
Do you intend to marry each other & live as one household? If so, dating is when you find out if your ideas of marriage and childrearing and his will mesh well together- no need to rush.
Do you intend to remain unmarried until your daughters move out to prevent any sort of resentment from them?
Just some ideas to think about...
More important
what do you want out this relationship? Is it to spend two or three night with BF. Or get married and spend full time with him. If you get married, and GM gets sick, meaning you have SD 24/7 The what. You as an adult, have to take care of your kids and that it. Night off you can have some fun. To me it looks like you need some one with out kids, or adult kids. Not someone who has full responsibility for his daughter. One he has to move out of the old house with dead wife menorys in it.
What is going on at your ex's
What is going on at your ex's home that makes yours a safe haven for your daughters? I found that phrase most disturbing... If he is violent or abuses them, if it's a question of their safety, then that is a perfectly good reason to take him back to court, no matter how difficult he is.
The daughter will always
The daughter will always basically be living with her father full time until adulthood at least. That is a fact you need to accept if you want to have the relationship you dream of. That is a fact. You need to do some deep th7bjing if this is something you want to deal with.
Thank you for all of your
Thank you for all of your replies.
I guess the more I think about it, I fell in love with a man who has his daughter full-time. If I was really smart and stepped back and thought of the situation, I would never put myself in the situation again. It’s so weird that I would never think of that. You know it’s interesting, After my marriage ending about 3 1/2 years ago the only other person I dated was a man for about six months before my now boyfriend. I thought I was all in love with him but looking back it was just a plain old rebound. And there was definitely ex-wife issues that he had. His ex-wife was way too much in the picture. So I think would happen when I met my now boyfriend who is a widow, although the fact that his wife had died bothered me in summer specs I realized I did not have to fear him going back to his ex-wife because she was no longer on this earth. Sounds crazy, but my experience with the one before him was very rattling and upsetting to me. He after my marriage ending about 3 1/2 years ago the only other person I dated was a man for about six months before my now boyfriend. I thought I was all in love with him but looking back it was just a plain old rebound. And there was definitely ex-wife issues that he had. His ex-wife was way too much in the picture. So I think what happen when I met my now boyfriend who is a widow, although the fact that his wife had died bothered me in summer specs I realized I did not have to fear him going back to his ex-wife because she was no longer on this earth. Sounds crazy, but my experience with the one before him was very rattling and upsetting to me. He basically expressed all of these feelings and emotions and love for me and to me he was clearly over his ex-wife and at the end of the day that was not the case. So now I have this thought that all of these men are not over their ex-wives. LOL. I know it’s crazy, but my experience made me feel that way. Therefore, when I met my now boyfriend I probably just never thought it would even Fleurish into anything big and it just kept getting better and better and the biggest thing is that he’s really there for me and he really loves my children. But when we get all of the kids together it could almost be a nightmare. It’s like they love and they hate each other. I can be really ugly at times. I almost think I would be best with a man Who just had boys. I don’t know so much about dating someone without children. I did that for a very brief while at one point and I’m not sure he really understood. In a perfect world I would be with a man who just had older boys. But then you wonder if that man would be willing to take on a six and a 10-year-old girl half the time. That can be exhausting as we know. LOL. But what I do know is, on the days that I’m not with the girls I do miss them, but I take it vantage of those moments and I love that time that I have a loan except there’s one thing missing, a boyfriend. LOL. I want to be able to walk in the house and come home to my boyfriend even if it’s only Only twice a week. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask for. But it’s such a hard situation. Does apparent really not be with their eighth grade child twice a week when they sleep at night?! I know when I was in eighth grade my parents were always there. I literally battle this every single day. When I try to pull away from him it’s like something sucks me back in his cute little face or I just miss his laugh or something like that. But then I suddenly think of her and I think of real world and I get mad and I get angry. I look at my ex-husband who is a total asshole, and his girlfriend who is inevitably the one he was cheating on me with years ago and there they are, living life so seemingly happy. She has 50/50 custody of her son and the schedule works around hours perfectly. So they don’t have the kids on the same time, so it seems so perfect. They have a house to themselves for a few days then all the kids are there together. Now I don’t think that was good for my girls and I feel bad for them. The last thing they want to do is be around her six-year-old son. They just deal with it. So again, that’s where my house was always the Safehaven. And to not get into long discussion about my ex-husband besides being abusive to me yes there were things he did to the kids and yes I brought him to court and the court system sucks. You would have to hear the whole story. I’m a good woman. 39 years old. Medical sales rep. With a career. A great family and a great unit of friends. Some of my friends would say well if you love him you’ll just stay. My sister, who thinks my boyfriend is a really nice guy doesn’t think he’s the one because she thinks that this is obnoxious to deal with all of this bullshit and it should be easier. Everyone who meets my boyfriend really loves him and thinks he’s a great guy. But they are not the ones living in my shoes. They are not the ones that are missing their daughters all the time and would possibly have to live with another daughter more than their own. I understand the whole don’t let your children depict what you do. A great family a great unit of friends. Some of my friends would say well if you love him you’ll just stay. My sister, who thinks my boyfriend is a really nice guy doesn’t think he’s the one because she thinks that this is obnoxious to deal with all of this bullshit and it should be easier. Everyone who meets my boyfriend really loves him and thinks he’s a great guy. But they are not the ones living in my shoes. They are not the ones that are missing their daughters all the time and would possibly have to live with another daughter more than their own. I understand the whole don’t let your children depict what you do but I also feel there’s an element of not having them hold on resent for the rest of their lives.
I was very close with my mother and let me tell you, if my mom lived with another daughter and was bringing that daughter to the mall and doing things with her 50% more than me, I would hold onto that resentment for the rest of my life. And yes, I know. I can teach my kids that she doesn’t have a mom etc. etc. But it’s not that, deep down inside, I don’t want that either. If my kids are not around, I don’t wanna come home and hang out with other kids. Is that selfish of me? LOL. I mean, once in a blue moon or if it landed on one day a week, that’s cool. I don’t care. But the fact that it would be every single day. I have a very good feeling I would end up doing the picking up dropping off. I get home earlier from work than he ever w I was very close with my mother and let me tell you, if my mom lived with another daughter and was bringing that daughter to the mall and doing things with her 50% more than me, I would hold onto that resentment for the rest of my life. And yes, I know. I can teach my kids that she doesn’t have a mom etc. etc. But it’s not that, deep down inside, I don’t want that either. If my kids are not around, I don’t wanna come home and hang out with other kids. Is that selfish of me? LOL. I mean, once in a blue moon or if it landed on one day a week, that’s cool. I don’t care. But the fact that it would be every single day. I have a very good feeling I would end up doing the picking up dropping off. I get home earlier from work than he ever will.
Basically, the longer I’m with him, I’m realizing, this could be a big issue for me. But why can’t I leave him? Why am I so afraid? Is it because he has been good to me and he loves me and my family. Is it because he’s the first guy that I never questioned on cheating wi basically, the longer I’m with him, I’m realizing, this could be a big issue for me. But why can’t I leave him? Why am I so afraid? Is it because he has been good to me and he loves me and my family. Is it because he’s the first guy that I never questioned on cheating on me. Unfortunately, I have a history of being with bad boys. This guy, he’s normal. He’s good. Has a decent job. Nothing amazing, but he’s been there for years and makes a good living. He has good ethics. And he loves me to the hills. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m afraid that no one will ever love me the same.