BM wants to switch the weekend schedule...
One of OSS's best friends has an opposite visitation schedule as OSS. This has, apparently, caused issues with OSS and Friend being able to hang out.
Or, at least, this is how it has been relayed from BM to DH.
Assuming this is true, BM's solution to this problem is for us to switch which weekends we have the boys with her. DH didn't see a problem with it either.
Thank GOD he actually talked to me about it, because:
1) We only live 30 minutes from any of OSS's friends, so DH could just drive him there, like any parent would. OSS would still get Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon with DH, and given his age, that is A LOT of time to spend with a parent, especially an NCP.
2) We have created our own schedule with friends and family around the current schedule. I'm not about to change my social calendar to accommodate a teenager who, in a year's time, should have his license. And we have a hobby that we participate every other week that DH leads, so we'll screw over others with this change.
I told DH I'm not okay with this. He said he wanted to talk to OSS about it. I asked why, because I refuse to change our schedule based on the wants of a minor. We did discuss that OSS NEEDS to get learning to drive and start looking for a part-time job once he has a license because driving him around is going to get really old, really fast. He agreed, but still wants to talk to OSS.
Y'all, why does this feel like a manipulation tactic of some sort from BM? I mean, I know she doesn't actually think things through or how it might impact others. She knows DH will take the kids to their friends' houses and other activities. She never has the gas money to bring the kids to us, so you'd think she'd be thrilled that someone else would have the responsibility of taking OSS somewhere. So HOW did this become her solution?!
The only thing I can think is that OSS doesn't want to spend a full weekend at BM's house, so he would rather be able to be gone on his weekend with her than his weekend with DH. Even then, I'm surprised BM would give up a day with him considering how much she relies on him for babysitting, emotional support, MOTY status, etc.
OR - this year, the weeks fall so DH has the kids Thanksgiving and Christmas. As in, it's his normal visitation, and since holidays aren't outlined in their CO, DH gets to make the decision on where they go and when. But FFS, he would happily work with her on those dates since he doesn't GAF about holidays. So....?
I'm just boggled that this was the solution to a nonexistant problem. Absolutely. Boggled.
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I get the weird visitation
I get the weird visitation being ridiculous. SD9 has a friend that's a daughter of one of DH's closest friends. She tried to call last weekend and we had to explain that she was with Psycho. DH's friend only has every other weekend, meaning they likely won't get to talk. This friend isn't a fan of Psycho (for good reason) and doesn't want his kid to have contact with her, so calling SD9 while she's over there is out of the question as well. It's unfortunate, but is what it is. So I get how it oculd be annoying. However we're not going to make ANY changes to the CO.
HOWEVER, I'm with you, your SS is almost old enough to drive, the friend isn't clear accross the country, it's feesable for him to see them if that's really the issue. My guess is that your BM has an alterior motive and SHE would be the one giaing form this, she may have even convinced SS it's for him.
I get it when you're dealing
I get it when you're dealing with family friends or family members. I even get it when someone is truly psycho.
But we're talking about dropping off teenagers to hang out. This isn't a play date. It isn't at our house. Heck, OSS has friends that are old enough to drive who could come get him (maybe not that are friends with this kid, but in general). It's not like DH would be sitting around, chatting, drinking tea with Friend Mom and Dad!
We have even TOLD OSS he can have friends stay over! DH will meet people. We have a clean home. We both work full-time jobs. We live in a secure neighborhood. DH has ZERO problem doing what he needs to help facilitate friendships that involve parents meeting each other. Like...HOW is there an issue?!
There's not. Most likely BM
There's not. Most likely BM has an alterior motive. Whether it's holidays or an activity that she's planned and then tried to convince OSS that the issue is the weekends so he can't see his friend. But it's BM.
Isn't just awesome how our
Isn't just awesome how our husbands "can't see" a problem with stupid bm requests until we have to spell it out for them. Did he not think about everyone else involved? A 15 year old being able to see a friend was the ONLY consideration when deciding a change that would affect multiple households. Really??
BM has always been *really*
BM has always been *really* good at clouding his judgment. I don't know why, and he is far better at seeing through her crap now than he used to be. But as soon as she says "it's for the boys" it's like his brain shuts off.
He didn't tell her yes. He either told her that he would talk to me or he'd think about it. At least he does come to me before making decisions, but I was a bit gobsmacked that his initial reaction when relaying this to me was "seems reasonable".
Ugh! After nearly a year of not dealing with her crazy demands/wants/guilt trips, I'm getting the sensation that it's all starting back up again. Going to have to be super vigilant with her again.
BMs love the "its for the
BMs love the "its for the skid" line. They use it on EVERYTHING! We get that anytime BM doesn't get HER way and she tries to make it about SD. How frustrating. I agree their is an alterior motive that benefits BM or she wouldn't make the request....or she is trying to show her "power" or she is ramping back up again. The BM we deal with will be okay for a teeny tiny bit but the moment something doesn't go her way or for whatever crazy reason she will ramp up the crazy here and there! Never trust them!!!! LOL
Also, it is a stupid request. A non issue she is making an issue.
If the kids were younger I'd
If the kids were younger I'd say the kid's mom is also a friend of BM and therefore they could all hang together. I dunno. Maybe friend's mom is a friend and they want their kid free weekends to coincide so they can hit the town together...?
Whatever it is - it does not feel as if full lateral problem solving approaches were applied. :-)
Women are raised up to handle social schedules. Men are raised to not. For this reason, I think they don't always think through the whole schedule and various impacts. I'm not making an excuse for men, they are perfectly CAPABLE of doing this. They just don't want to. If I could hand it all over, I would, too!
With FaceTime and internet
Texting, Kids can keep in contact with there friends. !! I would not change anything, or BM will drive you nuts with the changes every week
We just went through this.
We just went through this. BM asked for a swap on weekends so she could participate in an adult rec league. Because she is important, forget everyone else.
SO came to me before providing her an answer. I asked why she couldn't just get a babysitter since it's a few hours one evening over the weekend. I reminded him the goodwill gestures are not reciprocated but if he's okay with that then I don't care about swapping weekends. Blah, blah, blah is this the hill I want to die on? Whatever SO. Lol
They switch. On the condition that she accommodates all of our previously scheduled events - a family gathering, an exotic vacation, a few concerts and his fall travel schedule for work. Meaning... she will still have the kids on slightly more than 50% of her rec league nights.
THEN she got crappy with him. Because, well, BM. Then she apologized for being a $#!%head. "It's just that... that you've moved on..."
Yes, banshee, that happens with divorce.
She made a couple more halfhearted delusional attempts to punish SO in the following weeks. None of them worked of course but he no longer feels the need to keep the peace. He'd been getting there on his own but her continued antics pushed him to declare his hill to die on.
Totally worth the ineffective weekend swap. I'm thrilled she pushed him over the edge on something ultimately so nonsensical.
In your situation, where making the change will negatively affect the household, I wouldn't do it.
I would suggest that DH work out a solution with SS, if he's truly the driver of this request. Take BM out of the equation. I'm sure they can come up with something workable without bringing utter chaos and disruption to your home.