Excluded until something is needed
I had to chuckle this morning when I thought about a phone call from my sGrandson last night.
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid they think I am. I am excluded and ignored UNTIL one of their kids want something for birthday or holidays. My birthday, anniversary, and holidays - I am excluded or forgotten about. Which is why I disengaged with the 4 adult stepkids. Each one is on a different level of disengagement. This one's mom - I have not spoken to since last Christmas when she was in our home and it was more of a Hi How are you? several hours go by and then Ok Bye - so I don't think that really counts as a conversation but I did have to acknowlege her and she had to acknowlege me.
So last night I get a phone call from my SGrandson. Hi! I love you and miss you! Can you buy me .... please? That is it - not how are you? What have you been doing? Nothing. Haven't heard from him for at least 4 months - it is not his birthday, not a holiday, just I want such and such. Of course, if I say no then I am made out to be mean or I only care about my grandchildren. Whatever - I changed the subject and never said I would buy anything or not buy anything. My husband only shook his head.
It really angers me that they believe I am that stupid. I just wanted/needed to vent.
I should clarify - it was not
I should clarify - it was not just because I have been ignored on birthday/holidays. It is because I have always been excluded/ignored despite my efforts to get to know them.
I didn't say no and I didn't
I didn't say no and I didn't say yes. I ignored it and said, "Do you like your new teacher? How is school going?" After he answered I then told him that was great and put him back on the phone with my husband.
My husband knows where I stand on not being used anymore. He shook his head. Neither one of us will be buying what he wanted.
Amazing how they only think
Amazing how they only think of you when they need something. I'm glad you ignored his "request" and handled it very classy. I hope you never buy anything for any of them EVER....
Great way of disengaging!
My husband of course will buy
My husband of course will buy gifts and get them B-day cards but I don't mark my calendars and I don't go shopping for them. He will say "GK's birthday is Sunday - I am going to stop and get a card and gift card." and then he will just ask me to sign the card - which I do and that is the extent of it. With my grandchildren - I do the same and he just signs. We stopped trying to "blend" the family.
I think I would be very
I think I would be very tempted to say.."Oh..you would like a PS4 for your birthday? Well.. I have an even better Idea. I will be getting you what you got me for my birthday.... I really liked it."
Let his wheels spin on that.
That would be the response I
That would be the response I would give to his mother. He is only 7. He is only be taught that behavior by his mother. But if she tries that - damn straight I would say something similar or just give her a blank stare.
That is awful.
That is awful.
Those are the kind of people you stay away from.
While parents are most
While parents are most definatly an ATM periodically it should be a very short and transient phase of our lives.
Somtimes even our kids need to be ignored and left to their own devices. The older they get, the more this should be the case. Particularly when they are being Rump Twinkies.
Yep. DH never consults me
Yep. DH never consults me about skids until they need a ride or a birthday gift. This year I am going to ignore SDs birthday. Luckily her bday falls on a no skid weekend. DH asked me to give SD a ride the other day and I took that opportunity to tell him that he doesn’t include me on kid stuff except when he needs a favor. He needed me to do the favor for him so he was apologetic but if I would have brought it up when he didn’t need the favor he would have flew off the handle like he usually does because he’s like a pit bull ready to lunge at people.
Yep - the assumption that you are stupid seems to be a standard.
When it comes to money or stuff they want, it's amazing how cunning people can be. The sad part SA is that it is affecting the values and personality of your gskid. Rotten trees often produce rotten fruit. Keep your laughs at the ready, and let SD's bullsh!t roll.
There are days where it hurts
There are days where it hurts to always be exluded and then there are days where I don't give a $hit. I am getting better at focusing on me and the marriage. I play it real cool and don't say a word to any of them - I know they want so badly for me to say something to start a "family fued" but sorry this is one cool cucumber. I treat them like I do my ex - no contact unless I have to and that is very rare.
You are lucky you have your own grandkids,
so focus on them. When you are in this kind of situation with gskids being twisted by SDs, then it's best to keep your heart on a back burner. I've already steeled myself for the day when SD has her first baby - it's already a given that her father will be of much lesser importance than the almighty BM, and I won't even be a blip on the radar screen. Thus, I will treat these kids like I would a temporary co-worker's - cute, but no permanent relationship here so don't invest any emotional energy on it.
I have had to harden my heart
I have had to harden my heart - this same SD used one of her kids and then all of sudden I didn't matter anymore. It hurt - do that to me once and I am done - I don't beleive in second chances anymore. I am too old to be used like that again.
I am lucky with my own grandchildren and I no longer worry about being "fair". I don't have to be.
Brat-In-Training. Me, me, me.
Brat-In-Training. Me, me, me. What about giving back? Maybe writing a card for step grandma just because? The parents are creating an entitled little greedy monster.
I specifically taught my children not to go begging for gifts from anyone...except Santa
Then they had to use their best writing skills to send a letter and manners at the mall. The grandparents would ask what the kids needed for christmas or birthdays and I would give suggestions. If my kids had ever pulled a stunt like that they would have literally gotten a lump of coal.
Yep - I have yet to receive a
Yep - I have yet to receive a thank you for ANYTHING!! My husband is always thanked but I am not - which is why I have changed the way I sign cards now - if I sign them at all.
I Used To Buy Cards & Gifts
I think we all wanted to do what would make DH happy, and in doing so we discovered that we compromise our own happiness because it is a thankless job in many regards. After hearing only DH being thanked and praised for all that “he did, “ I just decided to remove myself from that equation and see if the same things still happened. Of course we all know that they didn’t t. DH even signed a birthday card to his grandson with the wrong name for the grandson! After he sent the card, DH actually asked me what his grandson’s name was! I made sure the next time we both saw SS he was made aware that his own father didn’t even know his grandson’s name. Talk about a sour grapes look from both SS & DH. No amount of money could buy that.
Cards, gifts and reminders
Eventually, after so much of this B.S., you ask yourself if DH would purchase gifts, send cards and remind us of the Birthday of someone in our family. Not once in our 27+ year marriage has DH done this. For many years DH did not think it was up to him to prepare for, clean and cook for or entertain my family when they visited but I was when SD visited. And like you, all the 'thanks' went to Daddy. Then, when we remove ourselves from the equation, we are the wicked SM. Pretty remarkable when you think about it.
Guilty as charged. However,
Guilty as charged. However, I do regularly prompt my bride to call her mother, ask her the latest from her sibs, etc.....,
Guilty
From what I've read from you, I am sure you do not think this is just something that is expected from DW and you would not be giving DW a hard time if she one day said she didn't want to do it anymore. You let your DW know she is appreciated. So I honestly have a hard time thinking you are guilty of this. After all, YOU are the one who set my DH straight when I printed off one of your comments about equity partnerships and gave it to him to read. ((HUGS)))
I am happy to have helped.
I am happy to have helped. As for Guilty... I do struggle to remember birthdays, etc... and DW often reminds me of upcoming key events.
Interestingly... I have to bug the crap out of her to call her family.
So, at some level we have a balance