Update...about to have a fit

Hi all! I haven't been on in a couple of months. Things have been nice and quiet here since HS graduation. Dropped SD off at college 3 weeks ago...yay! Now...not so yay. DH tells me today that she hates college and is coming home. She has wasted all of our money! Supposedly they are making her finish out the semester since they have paid for it. Bigger kicker, she doesn't want to move back home with her mom because she doesn't like her BF. They've been living together for 4 years now and SD doesn't like him because he doesn't pay her attention. DH now says that she is coming to live with us! This causes so much turmoil inside of me...first of all, the only time we fight, it's over his kids. SD is extremely lazy. She never picks up or cleans and he doesn't make her. Secondly, I don't even have it in our budget for her to move in and free load off of us. He says she will have to get a job, but guys...they didn't make her work in HS and she's dropped down to part time in college and they aren't making her work there. She gives excuses that she needs all that time to do homework. I have two of my own kids in college. They both have full time jobs...my DD actually has two jobs! They are motivated and hard working. I just know that our marriage is going to suffer if she moves in with us. I won't be able to stand her laying around being lazy. I don't want to be even more financially strained because she has no clue what she wants to do. Our basement is like an apartment. I paid to have a bedroom finished down there so that when my kids or family come visit, they have a place. I have no family here...I'm only here for DH to be near his kids. He talked about letting her move down there. I'm like...no! She doesn't drop out of school and come take over here. Oh yes, next weekend when she comes home, DH and his ex are getting together to sit down and have a talk with her to figure out what they are doing with her. That's got me miffed too because he said I can't be there. This crap affects me as much as them. I also don't want him and ex deciding things that affect MY future! We had planned to move from here in the next two years. Now what??? On top of this, he thinks he should still help SD out if she goes to another school. The kids went to the school of her dreams and just couldn't hack it. Now what???

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Your better speak up and hash

You'd better speak up and hash this out ASAP.

I can't believe he decided this without even discussing it with you. And why isn't he furious with his daughter? This is such a huge parenting fail on his part.

Tell him NO. Or, tell him that rent for the downstairs apartment will be market rate, because if you wanted to subsidize a loser you'd just rescue a homeless man instead of a college dropout. You DO have a say in this. Please stand firm.

I have defiitely been filling

I have defiitely been filling his ear with all of my thoughts on this! This is the princess SD. She does NO wrong, so he will never be furious with her or tell her what he needs to tell her. All I've got to say is when him and BM, get together, he better be thinking about my thoughts on these matters too or I have a feeling my house will be going up for sale in the next year and I will be moving on.

This is the time in the

This is the time in the semester when lots of kids who've gone away to college get homesick, feel overwhelmed and want to come home. For normal kids (and I have no idea if your SD is fairly normal) it often passes and by the end of the semester they want to continue. I'll cross my fingers that this happens for you. The fact that she's dropped to part time doesn't give warm and fuzzies, though. No good can come of her dropping out of college unless she wasn't college material in the first place. Is she college material? Will she go to community college when she comes back?

I think the sooner you take a stand with your husband, and let him know that a full time job, rent and help around the house will be expected, the better. Telling him doesn't mean it will be so, but you definitely want to get your requirements out there front and center. You also need to discuss the launch plan so that she's not still living with you in another couple years. Good luck.

Exactly this:

It seems like this SD is moving in for sure, yes? Or do you think there’s a chance to stop it? If she does move in, It should be with the understanding that things are different this time: She only gets to live there as long as she is contributing with chores, maybe a small rent, and with the understanding that if there are no plans to go to college, she will need to be working full time and saving for an apt. And that she WILL be expected to move out at X date (a year tops), because you two are moving on in your lives and have future plans.

I would be sooo annoyed at this all. You think you are finally free, and then, just kidding! Ugh, I feel for you.

What was said to me is she is

What was said to me is she is moving back home but she told DH she can’t move back in with her mom because of mom’s BF. He basically said he was forewarning me that she would probably be coming to stay with us. All I can do is hope BM fights for her to go there but I kind of think she’s even getting fed up with all of this. DH is super soft on his kids so I just feel like I can make all of these stipulations but will he actually follow through and make her do them??? I’ve not seen it in the past so I don’t have much hope for the future.

Neither parent is trying to

Neither parent is trying to talk her into staying. She has never faced adversity in her life. She has basically lived in a bubble and will continue to live on a bubble.

Nope no special meeting with

Nope no special meeting with the ex to sort this out. You and DH are married therefore a partnership and you have just as much say in your partnership and assets as does DH, he doesn’t like that then he can go kick rocks in a lonely apartment with his pwecious pwincess who can’t hack real life. He doesn’t like it? Then he never should have remarried! You can’t continue to play loyalty to your first family when you create a second one. Make sure he’s fully aware that his actions will result in him living the single old man life because he couldn’t pull his head out enough to realize you are just as damn important as the one he divorced!

I know, right??? We are

I know, right??? We are talking about an 18 year old. Why should he be having special family meetings with his ex and kids that do not include me...especially when the outcome may totally change my life!!!

Exactly! This is your life,

Exactly! This is your life, your finances, your retirement!!! Just as much as the first chick he knocked up! She doesn’t get all say just because she spread her legs first! I’m so fed up with the asshat mentality that first family means sacred, if they were so damn sacred then stay married and continue to bend over to that family!

Your DH can not

let SD move in with you without a discussion with you !! You wants are not important!! Just tell him NO, She is not moving in your house. You will pay for an apartment for a month or TWO. And SD is on her own.

I wish I could offer that. We

I wish I could offer that. We are still paying child support on the younger one. We are strapped financially!

By the way, when I talked to

By the way, when I talked to him earlier and was giving him some of my stipulations, he got offended saying, you act like SD is a loser. Hello! She’s quitting college with absolutely NO plan as to what she wants to do next!!! She won’t hold a job either! She has been entitled and now it’s coming back to bite the parents!

Oh heck no way! You have to

Oh heck no way! You have to sit down and have a very calm, very cold (remain icy cold!), talk with your DH. Have your talking points laid out on paper so he can follow them. Allow some wiggle room for negotiation with him, but DO NOT ALLOW this - if she does move in here are the stipulations about rent, how much, when it's due. You can also find actual rental agreement templates on line. Print one or two out and tell DH she WILL be signing a rental agreement (it's called being an adult and responsible, esp. if she decides no college...payment due dates, quiet hours, cleanliness requirements) like this one or that one. DH and BM do not get to unilaterally decide what will affect your living situation.

Adults live under rules - she's made an adult choice and she lives with the consequences or YOU go.

The worst thing that can

The worst thing that can happen to SD is to allow her to move back in and continue in her lazy, do-nothing ways. That can NOT be allowed. She needs to work full time and help around the house. Immedidately.

And that is for HER own good. She needs to feel useful (rather than entitled), successful, and independent. And how does she do that? Not by aitting around Daddy's basement being waited on. She needs to launch on her own path and it is her parents' job to help her do just that.

If she moves in, there is an expectation of contribution AND an exit plan. That would be the only way I'd agree to having her move back in.

I would tell him, "SD moves

I would tell him, "SD moves in, then you are moving out. I refuse to live with both of you. You decide which way it is going to be." I do not understand this at all. There would be no discussion with my husband's ex. She is irrelevant when it comes to MY home. DH and I would make a decision on whether or not she was living here. That decision would be communicated to BM. BM could do with it whatever she wanted, but the decision would be made by DH and I.

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Update...about to have a fit

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